What to expect next ?

[Flyingmonkeys8]

Hello

I've been married to my undiagnosed wife for 9 years and we have been together 16 years ,we have seperated in the last 6 weeks , we have 2 young children together.

She's had episodes in the past,the 1st one lasted a couple of days ,2nd one a couple of weeks, the last one 2 months ,in these times I never knew she had BPD,it was put down to depression then cptsd,her usual way back to me is the threat of suicide and need for help.

We had a heated argument ,I stayed over my mother's for 2 nights to  cool off , after that I could see by her face she had lost her emotions ,Ii was split to black.I guess the thought of abandonment caused her emotional dysregulation, she then told me she wanted a break then started the devaluation,silent treatment ,push/pull at this time I beleive she was talking to another man online ,I just added fuel to her fire so she decided to call the police to get an harassment order against me,she then left the house and rented a new one,all the time playing narcissist games,at this point I backed off.

We have 2 children together and I don't want them caught up in the mix ,i wondered how long can people stay in "crisis mode " ?once your painted black can it last forever? She's highly impulsive and did all this within 4 weeks,will she burn out? Does past behaviour usual dictate  what to expect?

Sorry for all the questions , im concerned for the impact on my children .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

 

You are in the right place.

You may want to share more, if she does have BPD, there are lots of tools here to learn.

I am a student here, it's a new every day for me, there is a lot of new stuff.

Being in a relationship w someone w BPD takes a lot of self care, a lot of me having support.

That's why I am happy you found us and that you reached out.

This is a caring community.

Share, read, post here, you will find support and help here.

Sincerely,

juju

[pearlsw]

Hi Flyingmonkey8,

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but glad you found the community here! It takes time, but stick around and keep trying to connect and learn how you can improve things!

How long will this last? Well, that’s hard to say. I know a lot of us probably feel we’ve been living in long, ongoing crises.

Are the kids with you? It is key now to get them and yourself some stability.

I hope others with more experience with kids and wives will come along and join us here!

warmly, pearl.

[waverider]

Will these wild swings always occur, most likely that is the essence of BPD. You can learn skills to both slow them down and minimise them, and also lesson who much you take on board personally.

CPTSD is very similar to BPD, and often confused with it. There are some major differences though, CPTSD involves flashbacks and recollections of a particular time. There is a certain consistency about it. frame, and BPD has a large component of abandonment fears, with the triggers coming from virtually anywhere rather than related to specific areas. The only thing consistent about BPD is the lack of consistency.

[Speck]

Welcome, Flyingmonkeys8!



I wanted to take a moment to join the others in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I wondered how long can people stay in "crisis mode"?

As pwBPD are as individual as each star in the sky, it's hard to say. There's no way for us to know the answer to that. Hopefully, for your kids' sakes, she will settle down soon.

Once your painted black can it last forever?

It can. But that would be rare, as pwBPD like to keep past loves within their sphere of influence. In fact, she may decide to have another go with you. This may take time.

She's highly impulsive and did all this within 4 weeks, will she burn out?

Yes, pwBPD do act VERY impulsively. Once the consequences of leaping before looking become real for her, she will most likely settle down. This behavior is very cyclical.

Does past behaviour usual dictate what to expect?

Absolutely. That's where education and understanding of the disorder can really benefit both the sufferer and the loved ones.

I know you're having a really tough time right now, and I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your wife's behavior. In my opinion, that's true love. Mind you, this site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles scrolling in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Flyingmonkeys8]

Thanks guys for the advice .

The children are spending time with both of us,she relys on me and my family for babysitting, she doesn't see any of her family and only has a small network of friends.it's just the impact of the children in the fact of her behaviour and emotional state.

As I think the thought of being abandoned caused her emotional dysregulation, isit possible the thought of me moving on and being strong could trigger the thought of being abandoned and have the opposite affect ?as in trying to get me back .

Last time when it got to the point of signing the seperation agreement and with me looking as though I'd moved on ,she cracked and pull be back in .