Realizing you jaded, when its possibly too late?

[Inko51]

Another harsh lesson I have learned is how damaging and self-absorbed you can become without perhaps realising during this period of obsession and fixation.

I have been seeking support from basically any friends and family who are prepared to listen, but I guess it can also become draining for them too. I found myself getting frustrated as one friend seemed to go off the radar after initially offering great support. I found myself feeling letdown and then I had a response from them apologising, but because they have had tragic news themselves they have not been in a good place and yet they were apologising to me for not being in touch for a bit. I also have another friend whose health has nose dived and I didn't even consider her whilst I devoted my time and lifeblood to my love life.

When my ex abandoned me at Xmas I also had another friend who attempted suicide, so basically I am now also ensuring I focus on the needs of others too who are more deserving of our time and energies.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Disclaimer: a bit drunk writing this, so I hope it makes sense.

Was at work yesterday and my coworker has my ex in her class. If only things weren't even more connected . Anyway, a very huge exam is coming up this week my coworker told me about, and I remember taking it last semester and teared up a bit during it due to being overwhelmed. Im sure my ex is extremely stressed about this exam because its one of those heavily talked about exams we have to take for a class we need for our degree. Its a very very hard exam that the majority people fail.

The past couple semesters, Ive always been there for her. Ive given her words of encouragement, dropped off food for her when she's not eating, or to do something sweet for her to show i care, told her words of affirmation when she's stressed with school and in times of finals. Ive given her notes, or shared information to help her with her classes. Even this semester, she has all my notes pertaining to this class.

But she doesnt have me physically there with encouragement anymore. She doesnt have me babying her or taking care of her or genuinely being there for her. And I think this is in my favor, or will be. I think she will start to "realize what she had but is gone now". Although this is a possibility, I understand the possibility of her not feeling this either.

I strongly feel that she is using her friends to fill in the void where Im not there anymore. Im not sure where this confidence or thought process comes from, but I believe its because im slowly starting to realize my self worth and also how i tolerated so much from my exBPD during the relationship. And I feel like she may feel my absence now. I feel like she may be regretting her decisions or actually start to start feeling confusion without me there for her.

We both are pursuing a career in pharmacy. I even helped her become registered to become a pharmacy technician, she only became motivated when I pushed to get my registration. and sent her a bunch of links to help her find a job after I found a job. And let me tell you, its difficult finding a pharmacy technician job. If I didnt first find a job in the professional field we both seek, then she would have never pushed herself either. I know this sounds a bit "full of myself" but i would get this vibe from her that was either more jealousy at times. or maybe this was just due to my self esteem. Idk.

Im trying my best not to hold on to hope, but rather just have faith and radical acceptance. I am also doing my absolute best to not give a ___ about what she thinks of me or anyone else. I am practicing self love. Im also not sure if what im doing or thinking is wrong or right. But its helping me. I never though I would come this far in my journey.

I love this girl so much, but im learning to love her in a more healthy way and learning to love myself. i think we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship by putting our partners needs first and forgetting our own. I admit I was a people pleaser, and to make my ex happy, i became inorganic to my true self.

I think giving my ex all this space is a good thing. I think she is missing me, and thats the best gift you can give anyone.

My feelings of this positivity flip flop however, of course at times in the day i miss her like crazy and feel sadness and despair. But what really helps is changing the thoughts from "what if she never comes back" to "what if she does come back?"

Thank you to all of you following my story, helping me, or trying to find answers in any way you can.

[CryWolf]

Last night my grandma came and handed me some pastries she made. And it slipped out but I said “that girl (exBPD) always loved these and loved your cooking” and then both my grandparents said “it’s okay we can invite her and make it all together one of these nights. I’ll make a bunch of the dishes she’s likes”. I started crying when they left the room, because they were very supportive in that moment. But also because that moment may never come where my ex comes over and we do that. She used to come over and we would cook together and spend time together with my grandparents. Or she’d stay at my house while at be at work or school. Shes never been so close to someone before like that. We became so close and my family was always good to her. Sadly she didn’t believe they liked her because her exes family hated her and her own family is against her... Her coming over and staying stopped the last year of the rs because of school and my grandparents wanted me to focus more on that and I was slacking too much in my grades after a semester of failing 3/4 classes because I was too focused on my rs with her. As well as my grandparents are old fashioned in their culture yet they became Americanized by letting me have her over. They believe in “marriage” first but they went against all that for me. Although their beliefs are different from mine I had to respect it because I’m living with them. So we didn’t have all this personal time together. My grandparents don’t know of the break up and I don’t talk to them about it.

A few nights ago, I held my baby brother. He’s 1yo. And I just started tearing up. My emotions are all over the place.

At work my coworker tells me he’s never seen me so confident, or smiling and laughing like before.

[CryWolf]

Next week is the last week of classes, and then summer vacation begins. I am doing my best to plan things to keep my mind off my ex and show im doing better without her. Things I have planned are maybe a music festival with some friends that i'm unsure of going, and my friends from my hometown (across the country) are visiting and planning a trip to Florida and invited me. I also want to go back home, (across the country) to visit my friends. I havent done this since I met my ex.

I want to go and do these things but I also dont, I think its becayse I have this little fear holding me back. Its the fear of my ex coming back into my life, and then having purchased these tickets and all these plans without her, it would push her back away. Everytime my friends visited she would pick a fight and start something from nothing. She wasn't okay with my leaving the state because her fear of abandonment and how she wasn't ready at the time. Last time I went to a concert, she blew up on me when I didn't answer her texts on time after I told her, my phone will be off until after the show to save my battery (i had the older iphones that constantly died like crazy).  I know this sounds absurd, and having these fears are holding me from living my life. But Im just afraid of that possibility.

I want to keep myself as busy as possible, and not stay home and think about her. I will most likely start working more at my jobs so that should also help.

How do I overcome these fears? If she does come back, how do I prevent her leaving again by still doing the things I planned for?

[CryWolf]

Fighting the urge to check her social media. I was on my parents computer earlier, and her social media popped up under the google bar with her picture. I saw it, and immediately left. I was tempted but am proud of myself I walked away, and did something else. Spent time with fam, went to the park and then gym.

Here I am, tempted once again. But I chose to come here. I miss her in the worst way possible. But I don't feel this fog over me anymore. I feel like I got my independence back or obtaining it for the most part.

The moments with her keep replaying, the laughs, the jokes, the good memories. The bad ones all faded away. I can recollect some, but I dont remember her for them. I wonder if she feels this too. Who knows? I want to reach out...

But I keep reading that will only push her away.

Finals are next week. She broke up with me the finals of last semester. i failed all my finals. But still passed my classes. The last day I saw her and spent time with her was on my birthday. Now my next birthday, who knows how traumatic it will be.

I am doing my best on not being hopeful she will reach out to give my notes back, but in a perfect world, I hope she texts me saying, "When do you want your notes" and I respond with, "you can drop them off, and have dinner with my family" maybe this is a little too much and might push her away again.

I just want to make a fun and lighthearted evening with her, and show her all the changes I made without telling her. Wishful thinking, but im being a fool right now.

The ball has been in her court, and she has yet to respond. Maybe she isnt ready, maybe she doesnt know her feelings, maybe im still painted black, maybe she is afraid of rejection. Who knows.

Im doing my best, and I hope im not a lost cause.

Thank you for reading

[once removed]

it sounds like youre hanging in there, CryWolf, and doing the best you can. none of this is easy.

resisting checking social media does get easier, and i found in the long run it kind of retrained my brain to avoid that sort of impulse.

hows it going with your therapist and counselor?

[CryWolf]

it sounds like youre hanging in there, CryWolf, and doing the best you can. none of this is easy.

resisting checking social media does get easier, and i found in the long run it kind of retrained my brain to avoid that sort of impulse.

hows it going with your therapist and counselor?

Thank you! Today I had the urge for her to see me, or walk by me to speed up the process and miss me. But instead, I left campus to the park. Took pics, played with someone’s husky (always wanted to pet one), then enjoyed dinner by myself And going to Watch the new avengers movie alone tonight. Doing what I can to keep my mind off her.

I still miss her like crazy, and it’s still hard processing emotions. She’s still on my mind but the codependency is fading away. I want her but I can live without her.

I haven’t seen the school therapist since last Monday. He can only see me once every two weeks. So this upcoming Monday will be our last session, as it will be summer, and I’d have to wait until August again. I’m a bit scared to not have a support system until then.

[CryWolf]

having terrible seperation anxiety today. Last night i came home after having a busy/fun day by myself. Right when i sat down I balled my eyes out before I fell asleep. I had a dream last night, where I was minding my own business then she approached me. Hugged me, and didnt say anything. We both cried, and just held each other. It felt so real and happy.

The more I distanced myself and gave her the space, I have dreams where she comes to me and its so blissful and she looks so happy to see me... Before when I was chasing, my dreams were of her dating someone else and looking at me with disgust and hatred. Its weird.

I want to reach out, i want to check in on her. I want to do so many things to know what shes doing or if shes with someone. But I know it wont serve me purpose. I have to keep reminding myself this. its so damn hard. Im sure everyone here has bigger problems than me, and I apologize if im making my situation a big deal. Im not even sure if I should be in the bettering relationship section or detaching section now. Its like i'm stuck in the middle doing both.

Its about to be 5 months now, and I still love her and think about her. She was my best friend, and I was hers. I miss her so much.

[once removed]

its so damn hard.

it really is. especially a first serious relationship. i still remember mine.

the dreams are really hard too. sometimes they can stick with you all day, and color everything. its hard to shake.

Im not even sure if I should be in the bettering relationship section or detaching section now. Its like i'm stuck in the middle doing both.

its a very personal decision. one thing i learned is that we have to take active steps to be "unstuck", whatever that entails.

i do think you have exhausted your options in terms of reaching out. as you said, the ball is in her court. there isnt really specific advice or specific steps left to actively improve the situation, though thats not to say you should not continue going down the route of introspection and self improvement; it is to say you can do that while detaching, and that letting go and grieving does not preclude her ever reaching out again. it does mean letting go of hope or waiting for it to happen.

or you can continue to wait, and the pain will follow. your circumstances may change. they may not, and its a matter of how long youre willing to wait. it was one of those decisions i couldnt make until i could, and i think thats true for everyone.

there are options, none of them are easy. its hard but we are with you 

[CryWolf]

it really is. especially a first serious relationship. i still remember mine.

its a very personal decision. one thing i learned is that we have to take active steps to be "unstuck", whatever that entails.

Yes this is so true. No matter what it is, you have to keep moving forward.

i do think you have exhausted your options in terms of reaching out. as you said, the ball is in her court. there isnt really specific advice or specific steps left to actively improve the situation

Sadly this is true. Sometimes she would state that she didnt know if she loved me or not. I never allowed her the chance to miss me. I was always there for her. If she craved ice cream, id go and surprise her with ice cream on her doorstep. I tried to be chivalrous and romantic without being a doormat but I now realized I didnt have boundaries like I should have. So hopefully now this space is giving her seperation anxiety and confusion about the breakup. I hope her feelings are clustered and shes wondering about me and if she made the right choice to leave.
I need to stop hoping though because it will prolong my pain. But this is where I am now.

ive completely revamped myself and turned into a better version of myself since the breakup and still working on it. The breakup allowed me to grow, and focus on what needed work on in our relationship and ourselves. But yes the ball is in her court. If she does come back, she has to earn me back and know my value.

Like I mentioned before, if she does reach out it would have to be for those notebooks. So who knows what she does.

I wish she knew how much I love her. Or she comes to understand her feelings and realize she did love me and not have this confusion. I read about her feelings of confusion on her blog way before we ever broke up, and she was always confused. how she has so much feelings for me but doesnt know if its love, if its the "once in the lifetime feeling" etc. I guess only time can tell.

[CryWolf]

Saw my therapist, and we got deeper into boundaries and understanding codependency. As well as each relationship with certain people will always be different and different boundary limits will be applied.

We discussed how every time I was making changes in my life,

Finding a job in pharmacy (she wanted one too but I got it before her), getting a raise, getting good grades when my ex wasn't, etc. All the positive changes I was making, I realized she was becoming a bit more distant each time.

It was making her feel abandoned because we essentially became "one" although I never saw it that way. But it makes sense. I sensed jealousy at times when I thought Id expect her to be more happy and proud. At times she would say "im so proud of you" or "wow good job" but it didn't feel sincere. Maybe I was overthinking.

I feel more secure and aware of my feelings now. Im not in the "fixer" mode anymore or at least try not to be. I had to always fix things and dwell on them before.

[CryWolf]

She used to cal me a "damsel" or "too sensitive" but I was always on edge because I didnt know if she was joking or being serious by the things she'd say at times. And the way she was describing me, was exactly how I felt about her. I felt she always was in a crisis, always complaining about the same thing EVERYDAY! how people at school cant drive, how someone might be watching her in their car, how people cant park, how someone almost hit her. everyday damn day. I picked up so many bad habits from her.

One thing that pissed me off so damn much, was she was always late. 30 minutes, an hour, 2 hours. I would be waiting at the restuarant, or in the car outside, and she knew how much I hate being late or waiting. yet she would do it. She would apologize, but i told her, "youre not sorry otherwise youd stop doing it". I had to force boundaries and I lost a lot of patience with her. Even when it came to putting her coat on, she would take so long putting it on. I hated who i became.