They can be supportive at times.. (good news)

[Jessica84]

Good story... for a change. I thought I'd share this so you know pwBPD CAN be supportive when WE have a crisis!

I've had a horrible week at work. Started last week. Vicious attacks on my work, spreading of lies, attempts to micromanage and control... .I vented to my BF. I was erratic, emotional, a bit hysterical, raising my voice, crying at one point. I wasn't thinking of his BPD at all... .and surprised after the fact that I got away with it!

Even more surprising... .my bf was a beacon of calm throughout... .consistent, comforting, loving, offering sage Buddha-like advice, left me alone when I needed it, quietly listened when I asked. He was VALIDATING - used statements like I know how you feel, I'd be upset too, I'm sorry. He even brought me a book of quotes he said helped him in times like this. 

I know it won't last (in fact, I can see he's about reached his limit already ) so I'm trying to pull myself together and address the problems myself... .but it really meant a lot to have his support thru the worst of it. Just wanted to share. Hope it encourages someone out there to know it's possible... .that our BPD loved ones are still there, somewhere deep inside, trying to love us back the best they can.

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[NGU]

Hey Jessica.

It's definitely nice to hear some good news once in a while.

Your story is interesting to me personally because I've noticed my BPD wife really pulls it together like a champion when other people are hurting. Or when somebody needs her help.

You finally got me curious enough to check Stop Walking on Eggshells. Maybe situational competence. The sidebar next to this section says

BPs can empathize well with others and often understand and respect how others feel.

I'm not sure whether that can be translated to "This is one of the character traits normally not altered by BPD." Or if it means they are above-average empathizers. Either way, there's something similar included in the book.

-ngu

[Jessica84]

NGU - I think that has to do with the "drama triangle"?

here:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle


They rotate their roles from victim, rescuer, persecutor. I try to stay out of this triangle, not take a role. But life happens. This week, I was the "victim"; not his victim, but a damsel in distress. He took on the role of "rescuer".

I now have to make efforts to get out of playing ANY role. Dust off, get back up. If I stay in victim mode too long, he'll likely start persecuting... .or playing the victim himself. This is where conflicts begin... and could escalate.

[NGU]

That's a good link. Haven't seen it before. It's now going into the mental pile.

Thanks for pointing that out.

-ngu

[SunandMoon]

It's always great to read success stories here! I'm glad your BF stepped up for you when you needed him, Jessica84!

If I stay in victim mode too long, he'll likely start persecuting... .or playing the victim himself. This is where conflicts begin... and could escalate.

Nice acceptance of the reality of the situation too. Wish it was different but you're spot on!

I do think they have above-average empathy, NGU. Feelings = facts = reality.
Strong feelings are something they can easily relate to on a personal level, especially if they are at baseline, and can therefore validate in others (perhaps in a way they wish to be validated themselves).

[Jessica84]

I noticed my BF gets super calm when others around him are freaking out. During the hurricane, he remained calm and cool while our city went underwater. Everyone was panicking, he was at peace. I guess he likes it when the outside world matches his inside world? He really is a comfort during these times. But other times... .like if I don't respond to a text fast enough or bring him chicken when he asked for beef, it's the end of the world.

Or today... .He got a scratch on his eye, moaned about how bad it hurt and wanted me to patch it for him. So now he's a pirate. 

[CryWolf]

My pBPD would do the same! She was so calm and collected and my voice of reasoning when I would be so stressed over something or couldnt think clearly to solve an issue. She would rub my shoulder, grasp and hold my hand until I calmed down.   

[Socks75]

I find my pwBPD is incredibly supportive if whatever is distressing me can't be personalized in any way by him.

For example, last month my family was coming to visit. He texted at the end of my work day like he usually does and asked me how my day was. I told him I was tired and pretty stressed getting things ready for their visit. I felt safe enough telling him this because their visit wasn't in any way related to him. But he got weirdly defensive, then distant, than angry, all over the space of a couple of hours. I could not figure out why. It was frustrating because sometimes I feel like every day is a bad one for him, but I don't get to have one.

However, I realized later that I had promised him I would pick something up and drive it to him the next day (an hour away). He took me saying I was busy and tired as direct attack because obviously I was implying that he was adding to my stress with that favour and I was only pointing out I was busy so he would feel bad about me asking him to do it.

It boggles my mind sometimes how something quite far removed from him can feel like a direct criticism.

However, if it is something definitely unrelated - work life, death of a friend, driving somewhere to rescue me - he is a pillar of support.

At least in our situation, he only fails to support me when he finds something about my mood or needs (tired, anxious) that he feels responsible for causing, then doesn't like the feeling and pushes it back onto me.

[Radcliff]

Jessica84,

Thanks for sharing!  It didn't hit me at first, but by the time I got to the bottom of your thread, I realized that my wife also was exceptionally supportive and insightful -- really a beacon of wisdom -- during a couple of very rough patches in my career.  It didn't last forever, but she was astonishingly good, and I appreciated the support I got.

Nice drama triangle reference! 

WW

[Jessica84]

Well... .as predicted, it didn't last... .there's a price to pay for that support.

He wasn't the center of the universe. Wanted the attention back on him. First his eye, then his foot, then his brain... .He calls them "brain attacks"... .locked himself in the bathroom, muttered repeated phrases to himself, screamed curse words out for no reason, refolded the same newspaper over and over... .at one point he declared "I'm mentally ill! You have to be patient with me!"

I mostly went about my normal activities, ignoring his psychotic breakdown, offering support when he spoke directly to me. He kept asking me what he should do. Finally, I told him to listen to the rational side of his brain - the other side was a liar. So... .he started cursing his brain out... ."you're right! It's lying to me. F-ing liar. Why is it lying?  Stop f-ing lying to me!"  This behavior would've shocked me a few years ago... .now, just another day... .  I told him "you'll be ok"... .as I put away laundry.

FYI-- he is ok now. Whatever was attacking him has moved on. 

[Radcliff]

That's a new one for me.  What is interesting is that he seemed to have the presence of mind to know that he was having trouble functioning, and didn't seem to be lashing out at you.

Can you elaborate a little on how you acted with him during his brain attack?  You've been around for a while; it seems like you've got something that's working for you, but it could be helpful for other folks to hear.  I think, if I'm interpreting correctly, you were aiming for enough empathy to make him feel safe, but not so much that he found it rewarding to act like that?

WW

[Jessica84]

Sort of... .I gave validating support when he spoke directly to me. When he was cursing at himself, or otherwise acting like a lunatic, I stayed out of his way. Combo of validation/boundaries.

I mostly tried to keep from getting dragged in to his weirdness, and not escalate the situation. This went on all weekend... .I still think as a result of my getting so much attention the week before. Either it took a toll on his emotional health... .or he didn't get the validation he's used to getting when I'm not on edge. So it all seems self-inflicted to me. His eye healed within an hour, but he wore an eye patch all day for dramatic effect. He limped on the wrong foot. Neither of these garnered enough attention or sympathy from me. So the "Brain attack" is something he played out to the fullest... .going all Howard Hughes and Rain Main!

On Sunday night, I said... .I know you've been struggling this weekend. I'm here to listen if you want to talk, but I don't want to push or pry. Is there anything I can do?  He said no, he didn't want to talk, he was working it out in his head, but he felt lucky to have me, thanked me for my patience. I kept good eye contact as he spoke, then went back to whatever I was doing. Silence, peace.    I validated him to a point... .the rest was up to him to self-soothe. And he did. By Monday, he was 'normal' again.

[Radcliff]

Nice work!    Thanks for the detail!  It is a great example of balancing validation and boundaries.

he felt lucky to have me, thanked me for my patience.

Priceless!

WW

[CryWolf]

Checking in on you Jessica ! 

How have you been?

Please respond when you can