I feel like I can't do or say anything right

[inthemiddle1]

I've been going through a really rough couple of months with my BPDbf as of late. The situation from my last post is still ongoing but has not reared its ugly head in a while, but I am sure that that is still playing a significant part in how our relationship has been these last few weeks.

I will start at the beginning. I am useless when it comes to organisation/planning/communications, this is a known thing. I'm what you would call a typical ditsy blonde. I don't do it maliciously, but I get very overwhelmed easily when it comes to making plans and I am really bad at remembering who I've told about these plans, etc.

A couple of months ago I had a friend come up to meet me before I go travelling, I made plans with her, told my boyfriend that she was coming. Shouldn't have been a problem, however because my other friend that my bf has fallen out with was also going to be involved in the plans I had made, he kicked off. I managed to control the situation, but a few weeks later I had almost the exact same thing happen again. A different friend came up to visit me, this time my bf thought that he should have been included in the plans because my other friend wasn't going to be there. I explained that this friend had recently just split up with her boyfriend and probably wouldn't want to be around couples at this time and that she hasn't travelled all this way to be a third wheel. So again, he kicked off saying that I didn't want to include him in any plans and that I don't care about him enough to include him in anything and that I'm selfish and only think of myself because he was on a weekend off that he was now going to be stuck in the house, not doing anything exciting, while I was out having a great weekend with my friend. Again, I was able to manage the situation, and everything levelled out again.

Flash to a few months later, I've organised a leaving party (nothing special, just a few drinks at a local bar). I told my BPDbf that I was organising one but, of course, forgot to tell him what date or where I had organised it. He was working lates that week, so he has now accused me of deliberately organising the party at a time he couldn't make (even though he could just come after work), alongside the usual: 'I don't care about him', 'communicating with your boyfriend should be the easiest thing in the world', 'I'm selfish', 'I don't think about him at all'.

A week later, he has accused me AGAIN of not telling him about plans that I had, to go to the horse racing with some friends from work. This time, I know that I told him, but because he knows I'm forgetful and he's not, he's adamant that I didn't tell him a thing. I know that I'm really bad at organising/remembering things, but he will not admit that there’s not even a chance that he could forget things that are said to him too!

Then literally a day later, I go to the horse racing and I get it in the neck because some guys from work turned up when it was meant to be a ladies day out! I had no idea that they were going to be there (apparently it was a very last-minute thing and they weren't going to be staying with us during the day. However, I still got in trouble for it because 'I should have invited him if I knew there were going to be other guys there', 'even his friends don't like him enough to invite him out', 'no one cares about him', etc.

I feel so absolutely helpless in this situation. I feel like I am trying to walk over shards of glass at the moment (like treading on eggshells but 100x more painful). I feel like I have to watch everything I say and do, but I'm still not careful enough to see the shards of glass around me and end up treading on all of them instead. Everything I do results in an argument of some sorts and me getting hurt and more and more unhappy. I am sure that these episodes have something to do with me going travelling in a few months, but I am at my wit’s end. I am consistently put in situations that I can't get out of. I can completley understand his feelings towards every situation, so I can validate his feelings, but the only way that I can resolve these onflicts is by apologising to him for messing up again and trying to convince him that I am trying to be better and to not screw up again on the communcation front. It's got to the point now though that he won't even accept an apology because it's happenned too many times in close succession and I'm not learning from my mistakes. So, I am stuck in a position where nothing I do will make the situation better or resolved.

The problem is that this is making me feel so, so horrible as well. I'm starting to feel absolutley worthless. It's getting to the point where I feel like I am crying more than I'm happy. I hate saying this, and I am so ashamed of admitting this but I'm starting to hate myself, I punch things or pinch myself or scratch myself out of pure frustration and anger at myself that I manage to put myself in these situations to begin with and because I'm watching someone that I love so dearly hurt so much from my own doings. All my life I have tried to be a good person, I am trying my very hardest to do everything right and to not hurt anyone and be there for everyone in my life, but I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I can't do anything right and it's killing me inside. I'm trying to hide when I'm upset from my mum and my best friend because I don't want them to think badly of my boyfriend and I don't want them to know that I feel so unhappy right now. I feel like I shouldn't go out anywhere because it just causes more trouble than it's worth honestly. I just don't know what to do... .

I am so patient with all of his flaws, I am learning and trying to remember to organise myself better and communicate better but these things can't happen overnight. I just find it so hard that I have to apologise and try and smooth things over all the time and ride all the bad times out with him, when I don't get any patience or lee-way when I've messed up in return.

My head is all over the place right now so I'm sorry for the rambley post, I hope some of it made some sense. Just needed to get all of this off my chest.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[StormySkies]

The problem is that this is making me feel so, so horrible as well. I'm starting to feel absolutley worthless. It's getting to the point where I feel like I am crying more than I'm happy. I hate saying this, and I am so ashamed of admitting this but I'm starting to hate myself, I punch things or pinch myself or scratch myself out of pure frustration and anger at myself that I manage to put myself in these situations to begin with and because I'm watching someone that I love so dearly hurt so much from my own doings. All my life I have tried to be a good person, I am trying my very hardest to do everything right and to not hurt anyone and be there for everyone in my life, but I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I can't do anything right and it's killing me inside. I'm trying to hide when I'm upset from my mum and my best friend because I don't want them to think badly of my boyfriend and I don't want them to know that I feel so unhappy right now. I feel like I shouldn't go out anywhere because it just causes more trouble than it's worth honestly. I just don't know what to do... .

He does not hurt from your doings,  he hurts from his BPD which you did not cause.   You ARE a good person in a very difficult position. 

FWIW,  I'm a very organized and capable person but Husband's BPD and the behaviors toward me as a result often have me flustered and not knowing which way is up.  It's very hard to think clearly when under attack. 

[Speck]

Welcome, inthemiddle1!



I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I've been going through a really rough couple of months with my BPDbf as of late.

I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your boyfriend. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[inthemiddle1]

Hi Stormyskies and Speck!

 It really does help knowing there are other people out there going through the exact same situation. I just feel so completely overwhelmed right now with all that’s going on in my life that I find it difficult to react or deal with the situation correctly!

I am in the position where I don’t feel like I’m good enough for my boyfriend because I feel like I am the cause of all these arguments. I know that it his BPD but it is so hard to separate yourself from that and take a step back and realise that you are a catalyst to his problems, but they are HIS problems.

This place is the best thing that I’ve found to deal with all this! It really such a supportive group of people going through the same experiences with the added bonus of a completely unbiased view on situations as you guys don’t know us personally. Thanks for reading through my ranty post and taking the time to reply!

[BasementDweller]

Hi, inthemiddle1 -

I'm sorry to hear this is happening - it must be extremely frustrating for you. I have a similar problem with my dBPDbf, except it is he who is forgetful, and has gone off on me in the past for making plans I never told him about, but he had actually forgotten after being told three or more times, and verbally confirming.

What ended up being a workable solution is that we bought a paper calendar/planner and whenever we are going to plan anything - a social event, a trip, a restaurant date, anything - we sit down and talk, agree on the details, and write it all down. The calendar stays in our home office, and he can check it regularly to be reminded of upcoming things. It has helped a lot, and prevented these types of meltdowns when he forgets things - he now has a written reminder, and will also put reminders in his phone as well. Would something like that help you guys?

As far as him getting upset about you wanting to do things with your friends that he is not invited to - that's a bit different. Maybe discussing it before hand, validating, and explaining that your friend who has just had a break-up wants to talk to her female friend for support, or that there is an office outing you want to attend, but would be happy to plan to meet up with him after, etc... .

That's a bit trickier issue if he needs soothing because he feels rejected when you do things without him, but the part where you sometimes forget the plans, would having a calendar in a place where you see it daily help at all?

[inthemiddle1]

Hi BasementDweller,

I have definitely thought about the calendar situation, I think it would really help with the organisation troubles that I have for sure! The only problem with that is that I am going to going travelling for a few months soon anyway, so I feel like that would be a step in the right direction that has come too late!

I have a similar problem with my dBPDbf, except it is he who is forgetful, and has gone off on me in the past for making plans I never told him about, but he had actually forgotten after being told three or more times, and verbally confirming.

What ended up being a workable solution is that we bought a paper calendar/planner and whenever we are going to plan anything - a social event, a trip, a restaurant date, anything - we sit down and talk, agree on the details, and write it all down. The calendar stays in our home office, and he can check it regularly to be reminded of upcoming things. It has helped a lot, and prevented these types of meltdowns when he forgets things - he now has a written reminder, and will also put reminders in his phone as well. Would something like that help you guys?

With regards to your dBPDbf, does he admit that he’s wrong in that situation once he’s calmed down and can see that he may have forgotten what you’ve told him in the past? Is there ever a situation where it happens the other way round? And how do you deal with those situations in those cases?

[BasementDweller]

Hi there!

It's a mixed bag as far as how he will respond after forgetting plans. Sometimes he will insist I never told him, and therefore I'll not get an apology, even if I sense that he kinda knows but is too embarrassed to admit it. 

Other times, I have been able to say, "I did tell you, check your texts from last week... ." And he will see that he, in fact, did get the message and also confirmed it. Then he will usually apologize. But not unless the proof is staring him in the face. 

I do know that his memory gaps are genuine, and if something happens at a time when he is dyregulated - his memory can be quite poor. The BPD brain fog. So logically, I can understand how if he sees no proof of the conversation ever occurring, and really doesn't remember the conversation - then he probably really doesn't think he has anything to apologize for. Hence my decision for us to do the calendar thing. Now he doesn't forget, and we have a paper trail. 

Perhaps if you think a calendar might help, you can try to implement it in the future, after you get back from your travels.