I left my entire life and lack support. Feel invalidated and without closure.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time here. I've recently left my partner. I left my entire life, my home, my dog, my new family... My world became very small when I left; most of my friends are now silent and either believe him, or don't want to get involved. I am coming to terms with how my ex partner treated me. Obviously I am not qualified to diagnose him, but I am seeing a lot of similarities in my research on BPD. I recently spoke to one of his ex's who believes that he has this. I'm devastated. I don't know if he does have BPD, but he hurt me so much. It's really hard to describe the pain, just how deep it is. I know that part of the pain that I am feeling is caused from my own problems, the problems that allowed me to tolerate abusive behavior, and stay for as long as I did.  While I know that I didn't cause the abusive behavior, the attachment and the cognitive dissonance is really hard to let go of. I do still very much love him. I don't know if he ever loved me. He was my best friend, we were "a family". We had a future planned. One part of the dysfunction in the relationship was drug and alcohol abuse, on both of our parts. I'm sober now, but the last time I saw him he was not (cocaine). I'm torn because I don't know if he has a disorder or if the drugs brought something out in him; I think possibly a bit of both, especially after speaking to his ex and finding out that he lied about her so much that she actually left our community because of it.  Ugh... I'm looking at what I have written thinking, how could I care about this person after all of the pain they have caused many people, but I do.  

As time passes and I continue to put my life back together it is getting a little easier, the pain is not so intense. I'm working on my own issues in therapy. I'm mostly just looking for a place where I can talk and maybe get some feedback. I keep doubting myself, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was just the drugs, maybe the month and half silent treatment wasn't that bad. Was it really abuse? One of the hardest parts of all of this is that lack of support from my friends and community. It's really hard to put your life back together (I left my home with a backpack and nowhere to go) without support. And I know he has lied to people about me for quite some time.

I don't know. Some of the things he did are so hard to explain to people. He only physically assaulted me 4 times during our relationship, I say only knowing that once is one too many times; I'm just trying to emphasize that the abuse was mainly emotional.  

I've had a lot of trauma in my life and after leaving him I had a complete emotional breakdown. I have some pretty serious ptsd. I'm getting therapy for it, but it's a long road ahead.

I've sent him an email since leaving, telling him many of the things that he has done to hurt me. I hadn't really even admitted most of them to myself until after I left. He didn't respond.  And I don't know if he did the things he did intentionally, or if his shame prevents him from being able to respond. I know he is a good man, it is why I still love him. I don't know if he knows the damage he causes, or if he just can't deal with it so ignores it. Either way, I'm left feeling invalidated and without any closure. My domestic violence advocate tells me that I won't get closure from him, ever. I know she is probably right, but I still hope that one day he will see what he has done and apologize... .UGH...

[LL]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time here. I've recently left my partner. I left my entire life, my home, my dog, my new family... My world became very small when I left; most of my friends are now silent and either believe him, or don't want to get involved. I am coming to terms with how my ex partner treated me. Obviously I am not qualified to diagnose him, but I am seeing a lot of similarities in my research on BPD. I recently spoke to one of his ex's who believes that he has this. I'm devastated. I don't know if he does have BPD, but he hurt me so much. It's really hard to describe the pain, just how deep it is. I know that part of the pain that I am feeling is caused from my own problems, the problems that allowed me to tolerate abusive behavior, and stay for as long as I did.  While I know that I didn't cause the abusive behavior, the attachment and the cognitive dissonance is really hard to let go of. I do still very much love him. I don't know if he ever loved me. He was my best friend, we were "a family". We had a future planned. One part of the dysfunction in the relationship was drug and alcohol abuse, on both of our parts. I'm sober now, but the last time I saw him he was not (cocaine). I'm torn because I don't know if he has a disorder or if the drugs brought something out in him; I think possibly a bit of both, especially after speaking to his ex and finding out that he lied about her so much that she actually left our community because of it.  Ugh... I'm looking at what I have written thinking, how could I care about this person after all of the pain they have caused many people, but I do.  

As time passes and I continue to put my life back together it is getting a little easier, the pain is not so intense. I'm working on my own issues in therapy. I'm mostly just looking for a place where I can talk and maybe get some feedback. I keep doubting myself, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was just the drugs, maybe the month and half silent treatment wasn't that bad. Was it really abuse? One of the hardest parts of all of this is that lack of support from my friends and community. It's really hard to put your life back together (I left my home with a backpack and nowhere to go) without support. And I know he has lied to people about me for quite some time.

I don't know. Some of the things he did are so hard to explain to people. He only physically assaulted me 4 times during our relationship, I say only knowing that once is one too many times; I'm just trying to emphasize that the abuse was mainly emotional.  

I've had a lot of trauma in my life and after leaving him I had a complete emotional breakdown. I have some pretty serious ptsd. I'm getting therapy for it, but it's a long road ahead.

I've sent him an email since leaving, telling him many of the things that he has done to hurt me. I hadn't really even admitted most of them to myself until after I left. He didn't respond.  And I don't know if he did the things he did intentionally, or if his shame prevents him from being able to respond. I know he is a good man, it is why I still love him. I don't know if he knows the damage he causes, or if he just can't deal with it so ignores it. Either way, I'm left feeling invalidated and without any closure. My domestic violence advocate tells me that I won't get closure from him, ever. I know she is probably right, but I still hope that one day he will see what he has done and apologize... .UGH...

[Harri]

Hi LL and welcome.  Glad you found us but I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  You have found a place where people can relate very well to your experiences.  You are definitely not alone.  So many of us have similar stories and are at various place in the recovery process so you will get lots of support and guidance as well.

how could I care about this person after all of the pain they have caused many people, but I do. 

Love, just like any other emotion, just is.  We don't have to act on our love any more than we have to act on our anger or any other emotion.  Emotions are not always rational though they may make sense! 

It is good that you are in therapy and can see how your own issues have played a part in this relationship.  that right there is a big step towards recovery. 

I don't know if he did the things he did intentionally, or if his shame prevents him from being able to respond. I know he is a good man, it is why I still love him. I don't know if he knows the damage he causes, or if he just can't deal with it so ignores it. Either way, I'm left feeling invalidated and without any closure.

The question of intent comes up a lot here.  For me, i finally decided that intention had no place in my situation and was not important for me to move on and heal.  I will say that if you are indeed dealing with BPD, then chances are he was too emotionally dysregulated to make conscious choices about his behaviors.  He is still responsible for them but I don't believe that people with BPD consciously choose (ie plan) to hurt other people.  Other people may feel differently.   As you continue to heal and learn more about the disorder you will find your own answer to these tough questions. 

Take a look at the right side of the page where there is a section called Getting off the roller coaster.   There are links that will take you to articles about BPD, detaching, self help etc.  Read, post with any questions or comments you may have and just hang out with us.  You are in good company here.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LL, Let me join Harri and say Welcome!  I admire your courage to leave an unhealthy, abusive r/s.  I understand that you are in pain, yet you are taking responsibility for it by working on your issues w/a therapist.  To me, this indicates growth on your part.  I suspect that the trauma you refer to likely played a big part in your r/s, because it probably seemed familiar on some level.  Does that sound right to you?  In any event, we are glad you have joined us here and many of us, including me, have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[LL]

Thanks for your responses.

My trauma definitely played a part, it was familiar and even though all of the red flags were so obvious, I couldn't acknowledge them. I would see things, but then he was so great sometimes, most of the time actually, and I would quickly forget. He was very supportive, kind, sweet, charming, brilliant. I lost my family a few years ago (pattern of abusive relationships, it's something I am working on in therapy) he introduced me to his and we built a life together. One very hard thing for me now is how suddenly I lost everything. I miss my partner, my best friend, but I also lost my community and what seemed like my new family. I am alone almost every day, trying to start over, trying to find work. It's really hard. And I advocated for him so much after I left, I know he suffers and needs help; but I am also suffering and most of my friends are gone. I just can't really believe this has happened.

I am also very frustrated because I miss him, but he did some real damage to me. I can't explain some of the things that he has done. He never put me down, not in an obvious way. He always told me I was the prettiest girl in the room, that he must have really high standards because he picked such a pretty girl, but not just on the outside, that I was also smart and had inner value. So many compliments. He thought of me as his lucky charm, he would tell people that. We won a car at a raffle once, and gave the credit to me for being in his life, it was sweet. I knew at that time that this was a bad thing, it scared me a lot. I wondered what would happen if something bad happened, would it then be because of me if I fell out of his good graces. And that was one of the most painful things he would do to me, the silent treatments, and the angry walks with me (for god knows what reason, he wouldn't tell me) then as soon as we walked into the room full of friends he would light up, like a switch, all smiles... It hurt, and I would be at the event sitting in the back trying to hide my tears, wondering why I couldn't make him happy like that anymore.

He would tell me I had said things that I had never said. Some really seemingly insignificant things like, "you told me that you didn't want me to buy you flowers, that you preferred that they live, or he would tell me that I was the person he took to a place, when it was not me, it was an ex. He told me a said terrible things to him, "remember that time you called me a worthless piece of ___?" I never said anything like that to him. And I couldn't argue with him about it, I would say I didn't say that, but he would twist the argument so much and in the end I would just give up trying to plead my case or be heard. At the end of the relationship he has started to tell me terrible things. He told me that I ruined him, destroyed him, that he felt he had to choose between being in a relationship with me and realizing himself as a person. He told me that the only other people in his life who made him feel this way about himself were his parents (that was pretty much the worst thing he could say based on his relationship with them) and all of this was because? I don't know. He wouldn't tell me what I had said or done specifically. Just that I brought him to zero. It hurt so much. And I apologized So much! Once he gave me the silent treatment for a month and a half. He would answer questions, he was civil, but he would not engage. If I prepared dinner, he would say no thank you then go in the kitchen and make something for himself.  He wouldn't hug me. He would have sex with me then immediately move to the floor to sleep, to show me that he couldn't be close to me emotionally. I thought is was the drugs. I reached out to friends, they either told me to leave him, or found him a new supplier. A big part of me hopes that it was just the drugs, but my advocate tells me that drugs don't cause people to be abusive, it can definitely contribute, but the underlying issues were always there. And the fact that he was emotionally abusive to his ex is also a pretty clear sign of that. He contacted his most recent ex (the one before me) after I left him, the woman that he referred to as "she that will not be named" and told me that he hated that he had been with her, that she was a garbage person. UGH! From what he told me about her, she didn't seem like a very nice person. She had wanted to warn me, but was afraid that I wouldn't believe her. I told her that honestly I don't know that I would have.

I feel like a fool. It's so hard doing this alone. I'm doing better than I was when I first left him, but it's a bit of a rollercoaster. I'm so lonely. My whole life changed. I miss my dog so much! And I know it will take time to build a new life, but in the meantime I am left feeling like I don't matter.

When I reread this stuff it is so clear in this moment that he is troubled, but it's so hard to let go of the good parts of him. And I know that a lot of the attachment is based on my own dysfunctions, he was filling a hole in me. He made me feel special and wanted, and loved. I do believe that he did love me, but now that is gone and I am left with with just myself, and I have a lot of work to do on me. I still hope that one day he will see, but I know that this isn't likely.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LL,

I’m glad you found this forum.  I understand when you say you aren’t qualified to diagnose him, I feel the same, but we can see the symptoms and understand better what we are dealing with in our relationships. My husband is not diagnosed either.  He may not be BPD, but many of the behaviors he exhibits seem to point in that direction.  It’s a spectrum disorder, so some people exhibit many symptoms and some not so many. 

I totally empathize with you when you say you left with a backpack.  My husband kicked me out of the house without even my purse which I managed to get back in and get.  Also, I miss too my dog so much.  My husband was my best friend for decades and my dog was a great friend, too.  I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I know exactly how it feels.

Glad to hear you are feeling some better.  Time and space has helped me heal some too, but it is rough going for sure.

It isn’t as unusual as you may think to love someone who can be abusive to you.  My UBPDH also made me feel special in so many ways.  The problem was when he went the other way there was no filter and an all out attempt to make me feel all the terrible things he must have been feeling in the moment.

Even though we may love our partners, the relationship may become too unhealthy for us to maintain. 

There are people like me here who understand and will listen.  Post if it helps.  Also, read the lessons on the right. 

Congratulations on being in therapy and working on yourself.  Sounds like you are making progress.

Hang in there, Mustbe

[Speck]

Hello, LL:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[LL]

Thank you for the replies. It's good to hear from others about their experiences.

I'm up and down. Sometimes I miss him terribly, other times I am very hurt and angry. I feel like a fool. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault. My therapist tells me that it is good that I am oscillating between feelings, it's better than getting stuck in one; I guess it's part of processing.

The social isolation is really hard. Starting my life over again, realizing that most of my friends were fairweather or not really friends at all. 

After I left I wrote him an email telling him that I needed him to know the hurtful and abusive things he has done (I had not spoken up about them while I was with him and it was insane that I didn't acknowledge most of it to myself until the end), he didn't respond. Our relationship was essentially just over from one day to the next. He has made no attempt to acknowledge the abusive behavior, no signs of remorse, there will be no closure coming from him. It's hard. It's difficult not knowing if he is doing it intentionally, or if he is just too full of shame to own up to what he has done.  I've been through breakups in my life, none of them have ever felt like this. I do still love the man, very much. It's hard to find my own closure, years of my life seem to have just been a lie. It took so much for me to trust another man after having been in an abusive relationship in the past, I thought I would see it if it ever happened again, but I didn't. I fell for him, I thought he was the one, he was my best friend. When he was the man I fell in love with, he was a truly wonderful human being, I adored him, but the other side of him was cruel in a way that I have trouble explaining to people. I know it will take time, but in the meantime, I feel like a crazy person for not being able to just move on with my life.

I do empathize, I do know addiction and how it can change you. I understand that he might be emotionally unwell and need professional help. That's one of the things that makes this as painful as it is; if I didn't it would be easier to let go, but I know he is a good man. He is not a monster, he is a human who is struggling and suffering.

I want to forgive him and move on, it's really hard. Right now it's hard to imagine a joyful life. My self-esteem has taken a nosedive, I feel unlovable and unwanted. Pretty much every day is a struggle. But I'm doing the work, getting therapy, rebuilding my life.

I miss my dog so much!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LL,

I want to start by giving you a big hug.

You're with people who get it here.  There is nothing crazy about feeling as you do, or the fact that you were unable to process and accept what was going on whilst it was.  I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship with my ex, much like your own.  The violence started towards the end and I left him but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I know just what you're going through.  I'd been in denial during the r/s and was very wrapped up in his being unwell.  I felt like a fool too when I got out.  Go easy on yourself.  This happens more than we imagine.  

You're a caring empathetic individual and can understand his pain - this is clear.  I'd urge you to be compassionate with yourself first and foremost.  Only he can choose to change the way things are in his life, and only we can choose to change things in ours.  You're doing a wonderful thing by facing so much in therapy - I admire your strength - and I'm really glad to hear that you have a domestic abuse advocate.  Mine was a huge support.  Can they help you to connect with others in similar situations?  I attended a 12 week recovery programme with the service and it was really beneficial in helping me to start rebuilding myself.  I keep in contact with a couple of the girls and we meet up.  If the service don't do anything like this, maybe they can point you in the direction of local support groups.  Getting out even for an hour a week and meeting new people can help you to begin improving your confidence.  

What sort of things do you enjoy doing?  Perhaps there are hobbies or interests that you lost along the way during the r/s that you could pick up again and maybe find groups of like minded individuals with the same interests?  :)oing what you love is good for the soul and can be an opportunity to connect with others.  

Speaking to others who understand is so helpful.  That's why I'm also glad you've reached out here.  Keep talking and reading.  We're here for you  

Love and light x    

[Lucky Jim]

Starting my life over again, realizing that most of my friends were fairweather or not really friends at all. 

Hello again, LL, Finding out that some were not really your friends can be a good thing, to me.  My true friends stayed supportive in the aftermath of my separation and divorce from my BPDxW.  It's a winnowing process that leads to deeper friendships with those who stay by your side and makes it easier to shed those who don't.  Sure it's disappointing to find that others have dropped you, but leads to more authentic friendships, which I view as a good thing.

LuckyJim

[LL]

Lucky Jim, I do agree that in the long run, it will be better knowing who is actually a friend and who isn't. It's difficult right now though when going through one of the hardest times in my life and not having the social support. It's during these times that you need your friends the most. I don't have a family to rely on either. It's just a lonely experience.

Harley Quinn, I do have things that I used to enjoy doing. I've started making the effort to do them even though nothing feels ok right now. Just doing the footwork until one day the good feelings outweigh the bad one. I'm struggling a lot with feeling like a complete loser. I've lost my home, my partner, my dog... I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I know they are just feelings, and feelings come and go. I know that happiness has to come from within, I'm working on it. It's a slow process. I've been to a few support group meetings, they are helpful. And I've put in an application for a place that offers housing and support for women who have left DV situations.

I just want to let this go. It's so hard. I desperately need closure. A failed relationship is difficult under healthy circumstances, this is something so different from that. My ex seems able to just move on, without one bit of accountability.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LL,

I'm so pleased you're attending support groups and have your application in for the housing and extra support.  Good on you for taking the initiative and seeking out help.  So many people try to soldier on to their own detriment.  I hope the application goes through quickly for you and that you are soon within a safe and supportive community.

I'm struggling a lot with feeling like a complete loser. I've lost my home, my partner, my dog... I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.

It's hard feeling like that.  As you begin to take these small steps forwards, you will find that you start to notice the things you've gained too.  For myself, there was a sense of relief to be free of the anxiety and chaos.  Then a sense of freedom, to be able to do as I pleased without fear of the inevitable repercussions.  I gained a great deal of support and knowledge through having gone through what I did.  In time I'm sure you'll come to see this as gaining a fresh start.  Right now, I know it feels awful and you miss him despite the abuse and that's normal.  The only way out is through, as you know, so I'm happy to hear that you're pushing yourself to do things even though it's uncomfortable at the moment.  It takes a lot of grit to do that, so you are stronger than you think. 

Keep posting here as much as you need to.  I'd also encourage you to join other discussions.  We all support one another here and it's beneficial to read others' views and experiences.  It helped me to feel less isolated in my situation.  Let us know how you're doing.  We care.

Love and light x