Physical effects of detaching and final decision for NC and new phone number

[MyBPD_friend]

Hello members, Admins and Mods.

During the last few months, I've received a lot of help, information and advises on this wonderful unique forum/board.

This forum is the best I've ever come accross.

I want to thank you for the continuing support and help to get through a difficult friendship with a BPD woman.

In this threat I want to point out an important side effect of my final decision to go NC with my BPD person - the physical side effect.

Since about three months or little less, I woke up early in the morning around 4-6 am with no obvious reason. I saw my BPD in late January 'by accident' as she said (one of my posts). W edidn't talk and looked at each other for minutes without a word - what a bizarre experience that was... .

In late March, I decided to get a new cell phone number, along with an already neccessary new contract.
After that decision, I sleep much better and a s long as I used to sleep.

A few days ago, almost on the day after one year when we met, I got my new SIM card and installed it. I also cancelled my old number which does no exist anymore.
She won't be able to contact me again, if she would try, and she did in the past.

That decision for NC seems to have a very good impact on me, it feels like relief.
I still think of her, but the pressure is gone - I'm very thankful for that and my strenght to do so.

At this time I won't leave this great forum, but I want to come back as little as possible to get my head free even more.
Perhaps I can try to help others who really want to detach in the future.

Many of the stories here made me alomost cry, I've been lucky not to get into a romantic rs with this woman, however, a deep friendship can be as devastating with a BPD also.

Thanks again to all of you.

I will check back in to tell you what happens and if I keep feeling better and free.

A BPD survivor from Germany.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for giving us this update and for your heartfelt words.  This place has helped so many of us and I do hope you will continue to check in and let us know how you're doing.  We are here if you find you need any support as you heal and it will be nice to see you on the board.  I can also understand your wanting to take some space from the BPD world right now.   

I want to commend you on having the strength to change your number as you have.  That takes a great deal of willpower and must have been very difficult.  It's great to hear that you are feeling better in yourself as a result of taking that decision.  I can relate to the feeling of relief.  Are you sleeping better now?  I found I began to appreciate lots of little things that others might take for granted too, like not being overwhelmed with emotions any time my phone rang.  I became more open to others too whom I'd had less contact with during the drama I encountered.  I hope that you too are finding that there are other improvements in areas that you may not have noticed were impacting you?

Glad that you are putting your well being as a high priority.  Only good can come from that. 

Love and light x  

[MyBPD_friend]

Thanks for giving us this update and for your heartfelt words.  This place has helped so many of us and I do hope you will continue to check in and let us know how you're doing.  We are here if you find you need any support as you heal and it will be nice to see you on the board.  I can also understand your wanting to take some space from the BPD world right now.  

I want to commend you on having the strength to change your number as you have.  That takes a great deal of willpower and must have been very difficult.  It's great to hear that you are feeling better in yourself as a result of taking that decision.  I can relate to the feeling of relief.  Are you sleeping better now?  I found I began to appreciate lots of little things that others might take for granted too, like not being overwhelmed with emotions any time my phone rang.  I became more open to others too whom I'd had less contact with during the drama I encountered.  I hope that you too are finding that there are other improvements in areas that you may not have noticed were impacting you?

Glad that you are putting your well being as a high priority.  Only good can come from that.  

Love and light x  

Thank you for your wonderful words of understanding and support.
I just came back from the postoffice where I dropped off a handwritten last letter to her.

I know her birthday is coming up in 10 days so the timing is bad but I can't change that.
I feel ok but not great about it. It will hurt her, but I didn't blame her for anything.

I said I'm closing NOT against her and that I do this FOR ME.
Hopefully she will understand that this is necessary for me.

For now I want to concentrate more on my youngest son who just got his first own car.
I also want spend more time with wonderful wife, who always been open, very tolerant and understanding. She knows about the BPD friend and why I took this very difficult step.

I will be back here after some distance.

[heartandwhole]

MyBPD_friend,

I, too, commend you for looking after yourself and knowing when the time was right to let go. That is not easy. 

At this time I won't leave this great forum, but I want to come back as little as possible to get my head free even more.
Perhaps I can try to help others who really want to detach in the future.

I hope you will come back and share your hard-earned wisdom with others. I know that over the years of posting here, I've learned and learned some more, and will continue to do so. It's a great way to grow and thrive.

I wish you all the best and do keep us posted about your progress.

Alles Gute, und bis bald!

heartandwhole

[MyBPD_friend]

MyBPD_friend,

I, too, commend you for looking after yourself and knowing when the time was right to let go. That is not easy. 

I hope you will come back and share your hard-earned wisdom with others. I know that over the years of posting here, I've learned and learned some more, and will continue to do so. It's a great way to grow and thrive.

I wish you all the best and do keep us posted about your progress.

Alles Gute, und bis bald!

heartandwhole

Thank you so much for your encouraging and emphatic words.
I'm a little worried how she'll perceive my letter and that my phone number is not available anymore for her.

Ich wünsche Dir ein schönes Wochenende

[MyBPD_friend]

MyBPD_friend,

I, too, commend you for looking after yourself and knowing when the time was right to let go. That is not easy. 

I hope you will come back and share your hard-earned wisdom with others. I know that over the years of posting here, I've learned and learned some more, and will continue to do so. It's a great way to grow and thrive.

I wish you all the best and do keep us posted about your progress.

Alles Gute, und bis bald!

heartandwhole

Yes, not easy.

my wife realized today that I was nervous and got angry quickly. I need to try to be calm and not let my family feel what I'm going through.
That doesn't change my feeling about my decision though.

[Harley Quinn]

I find being really present with my son takes my mind off anything else that could be going on in the world outside of us.  Mindfulness in action.  Enjoy your family time, and remember that if you need to vent any feelings we're always listening.

Love and light x

[MyBPD_friend]

I find being really present with my son takes my mind off anything else that could be going on in the world outside of us.  Mindfulness in action.  Enjoy your family time, and remember that if you need to vent any feelings we're always listening.

Love and light x

Thank you Harley Quinn. You're all so nice here - I appreciate all responses and the friendly, supporting atmosphere on this site a lot - Thank you!

I do think about cutting her off, knowing it's the only and right decision. I actually had done that last July already, when she suddenly came back with ext messages. Back then I shouldn't have responded. She was havig a hard time after that, she told me.

However, I will be on a business trip to Holland next weekend. I will be in town but avoid going to places where she might go. Sunday, she'll take part in a the oldest European marathon run, she only does 10 km like last year this time. Monday is her birthday.

So, she's is on my mind but I know that memories and feelings will slowly fade away. I just don't want to see or talk to this ill woman again.

BPD is a weird mental illness, that I've never known before. When we met, she was the closest and nicest woman in the world, beautiful, intelligent, young. Within only hours I got to see her illness and the worst possible woman.
The most difficult part for me during those 12 months was to get some logical meaningful understanding for her behaviour, which I have learned is not possible with BPD.
That illness is so sad.

I will keep updates and I'm trying to stay in here.

[Harley Quinn]

However, I will be on a business trip to Holland next weekend. I will be in town but avoid going to places where she might go.

That's tough for you.  I found that thinking about where he might be so I could be elsewhere kept him on my mind.  Perhaps it's worth thinking about what you might do or say if you were to bump into her, be prepared, and then go about your time as you wish.  Maybe focus on finding a nice gift for your wife and do something fun in your downtime that you can enjoy to keep yourself occupied.  This time now is about restoration for you, so be extra kind to yourself and maybe do something as a treat that you wouldn't normally.  Hope it goes smoothly and uneventfully.

Love and light x

[NGU]

That decision for NC seems to have a very good impact on me, it feels like relief.

I was reading another thread and saw you changed numbers. Found this thread hoping for good news.

And here it is.

Thank you for the updates.

-ngu   

[Zen606]

Hi BP Friend,
NC and new number, best thing you could have done.  You don't need that type of negativity in your life. I did the same and it will be 6 months of peace and growth for me!
Congratulations to both of us!
Zen606

[MyBPD_friend]

That's tough for you.  I found that thinking about where he might be so I could be elsewhere kept him on my mind.  Perhaps it's worth thinking about what you might do or say if you were to bump into her, be prepared, and then go about your time as you wish.  Maybe focus on finding a nice gift for your wife and do something fun in your downtime that you can enjoy to keep yourself occupied.  This time now is about restoration for you, so be extra kind to yourself and maybe do something as a treat that you wouldn't normally.  Hope it goes smoothly and uneventfully.

Love and light x

Thank you Harley,
I just came back from my two day trip to the Netherlands. I was in her city and also visited the bar and Club where she mostly goes, if she goes out.
She was not there.
I am/was doing very well on my trip, even in her city. Yes, she's been on my mind but not as much as previously. I enjoyed my time, did have fun going out and meeting some new people.
I've decided that I will not avoid to go to these places, not only to proof strength to myself, but also to her, if we ever meet again in those cases. I also know what to do if I see her.

It feels very good and a big relief knowing, that she can't contact me via my cell phone given the fact that I have a new number.

The only thing I would like to know how she perceived my 'goodbye letter'.
As far as I got to know her and experiencing her behaviour, I think she didn't expect that I would really do this - but I'll never know, and it's not really important just a curiosity.

Love

[EdR]

Hi!

Great to hear you are doing better. NC however is not really for me, but in your case it seems to have done you a lot of good. I think the distance between Germany and Holland helps with that. If you were living in the same town, anxiety levels would go through the roof. (at least for me... .that's why I really, really wanted to obtain some form of closure... .to prevent painful or awkward situations)

[spero]

Hello there myBPD_friend,

Hello members, Admins and Mods.

During the last few months, I've received a lot of help, information and advises on this wonderful unique forum/board.

This forum is the best I've ever come accross.

I want to thank you for the continuing support and help to get through a difficult friendship with a BPD woman.

I will check back in to tell you what happens and if I keep feeling better and free.

I'm glad that this place has been of help to you. I encourage you as much as possible to pursue recovery for yourself to the fullest.
I'm sure you know what to do, and even if that means spending time lesser here, i'd be supportive of that.

We'll always be here and when you're ready, you're always welcome to re-connect and post again.

Take good care and take heart,

Spero.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hello there myBPD_friend,

I'm glad that this place has been of help to you. I encourage you as much as possible to pursue recovery for yourself to the fullest.
I'm sure you know what to do, and even if that means spending time lesser here, i'd be supportive of that.

We'll always be here and when you're ready, you're always welcome to re-connect and post again.

Take good care and take heart,

Spero.

Thank you Spero,

This is a great place to be for people who have to deal with the BPD disorder.
It has been very helpful to me.
After my final decison I'm doing much better. I now feel very sorry for my ex BPD friend, I know she's struggeling with her life and disorders and I hope for her that she will seek help soon.

I feel strong to stay around here and perhaps help others to deal with their BPD relatives, gf, wife, husband and friends.

I do know, that for many people here it's not really possible to go 100 % NC as I've done. But through reading for days on the web and on this site, also through recommendations of specialists, I think going NC is in most cases the best to heal and to find new and more healthy perspectives in life.

As complex as BPD is, healing this disorder seems to remain a rare case.

Good luck to everyone here.

[Zen606]

To MyBPD friend
Going 100% NC, if possible, is the best way to detach from a BPD or trait partner/ex. For 6 months I have been 100% NC with my ex, changed my number, blocked him on my email, etc. After 6 months I see him drive by yesterday, he smiles and say hello. I did not respond, just stared at him and got into my truck. There is nothing for me to say to him and getting into hellos can go into another re-cycle.

This incident brought up many feelings for me, in particular still being in love with him. But particularly because of these feelings the best thing for me is to not place myself in at-risk situations, so continued 100% NC is for me, the best way to go. I am doing some very good work in psychotherapy, and want no backtracking.

We are vulnerable, and they know it. Regardless of my walking away from him when he wanted to see me and stay "friends" he still smiles and says hello? I would rather he ignored me.
Zen606

[MyBPD_friend]

To MyBPD friend
Going 100% NC, if possible, is the best way to detach from a BPD or trait partner/ex. For 6 months I have been 100% NC with my ex, changed my number, blocked him on my email, etc. After 6 months I see him drive by yesterday, he smiles and say hello. I did not respond, just stared at him and got into my truck. There is nothing for me to say to him and getting into hellos can go into another re-cycle.

This incident brought up many feelings for me, in particular still being in love with him. But particularly because of these feelings the best thing for me is to not place myself in at-risk situations, so continued 100% NC is for me, the best way to go. I am doing some very good work in psychotherapy, and want no backtracking.

We are vulnerable, and they know it. Regardless of my walking away from him when he wanted to see me and stay "friends" he still smiles and says hello? I would rather he ignored me.
Zen606

Hi Zen606,

I'm very sorry you had and have to go through this difficult time. I do feel very simular.
I think you are absolutely right, saying hello or something else could easily lead into another ce-cycle, which I surely don't want.

In late january, I met her, as she said by accident, which actually wasn't true. However, I posted this weeks ago. While I was focused on my phone, she placed herself in front of me just 6 feet away and stared at me when I realized she was there (a club for dancing). I stared back and this went on for 4-10 minutes. I looked into her eyes as she looked deep into my eyes - as I did too. At this point I was very angry on her because she kept the silent treatment for two months before for no obvious reason. I didn't have to say a word to her, she left for a few minutes for her friends and came back to me which she did three times within a time frame of 15 minutes. That was so most bizarre experience with a person ever.
When she wanted to say good bye to her friends, I just left without any word.

Next time, whenever that will be, I will not say a word to her and ignore her. This woman is extremely toxic, the worst is, she knows that in a way.

I feel sorry for her, but I'm sure that my feelings for her will slowly disappear.
One thing is important, for many BPD, the attachment to a 'healthy' partner is not anything like love. They use us for many reasons, mostly to fill a gap that they feel constantly. Our relationship has never been what I consider friendship, unfortunately she doesn't even know what friendship and appropriate communication is.

Fortunately for me, she lives 3 hours away, that means if I put myself in a position to eventually meet her by accident, it's my choice, not hers. It will also be my choice not to talk to her as she would definetely behave like nothing ever happened.

I told her goodbye and that's what I meant, she will be angry, pissed and depressive, as most times. But she meets many people who don't see her illness as fast or at all as I did.

[EdR]

To MyBPD friend
Going 100% NC, if possible, is the best way to detach from a BPD or trait partner/ex. For 6 months I have been 100% NC with my ex, changed my number, blocked him on my email, etc. After 6 months I see him drive by yesterday, he smiles and say hello. I did not respond, just stared at him and got into my truck. There is nothing for me to say to him and getting into hellos can go into another re-cycle.

This incident brought up many feelings for me, in particular still being in love with him. But particularly because of these feelings the best thing for me is to not place myself in at-risk situations, so continued 100% NC is for me, the best way to go. I am doing some very good work in psychotherapy, and want no backtracking.

We are vulnerable, and they know it. Regardless of my walking away from him when he wanted to see me and stay "friends" he still smiles and says hello? I would rather he ignored me.
Zen606

Hi Zen606, hi everyone,

Just wanted to chime in on this... .NC always seems to get to me in a way... .

I do not know the specifics of your situation, so I am sure NC could have very well been a very important instrument to detach. But on these boards it seems to have become some kind of holy grail to at least some. I am not saying that is the case for you guys, but nonetheless I feel the urge to somewhat counterbalance this ideology.

So imo (and those of professionals):
-) NC is NOT a solution in itself. It is just one instrument to be able to get some distance, obtain a wise(r) mind, to heal.
-) NC must be done the right way. Otherwise you would just be fighting fire (ST) with fire (NC). NC IS NOT the same as ST. A good NC approach means that you clearly explain to your partner what your reasons for going NC are. It is NOT a punishment. There can still be some contact over these reasons before you actually go full NC.

Just felt I had to say this. Don't mean to offend anyone.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Zen606, hi everyone,

Just wanted to chime in on this... .NC always seems to get to me in a way... .

I do not know the specifics of your situation, so I am sure NC could have very well been a very important instrument to detach. But on these boards it seems to have become some kind of holy grail to at least some. I am not saying that is the case for you guys, but nonetheless I feel the urge to somewhat counterbalance this ideology.

So imo (and those of professionals):
-) NC is NOT a solution in itself. It is just one instrument to be able to get some distance, obtain a wise(r) mind, to heal.
-) NC must be done the right way. Otherwise you would just be fighting fire (ST) with fire (NC). NC IS NOT the same as ST. A good NC approach means that you clearly explain to your partner what your reasons for going NC are. It is NOT a punishment. There can still be some contact over these reasons before you actually go full NC.

Just felt I had to say this. Don't mean to offend anyone.

I don't agree here, at least for me. After all the hurt she gave me, she didn't communicate with me, I  did not have another possibility than to save me and look after myelf first.
I told her,  going NC is not against her - instead I do this for me.

In my case NC is for good. I  have no desire to stay in any kind of contact in the future.
Just my way of dealing with a very ill BPD and Cluster B woman.

[Zen606]

Hi EdR 
Great points!
Absolutely NC is not a solution and should not be a punishment, it is an instrument of self-preservation. It's an excellent tool when one needs to protect themselves from toxic people.  We need to be responsible for ourselves and know when to keep safe. 

Applying NC works best to do it, as you say, right away and dialogue with one's soon to become ex is such a healthy thing to do, unfortunately sometimes one needs to get away from the situation because it's unhealthy. Discussions can become circular with manipulations like gaslighting and projections. Anyone who has has a relationship with an individual with BBPD/trait knows how difficulty and incredulously confusing it can be to have an emotional discussion.

If one is serious about breaking the relationship, and especially if one believes they are at emotional risk, then it should be done, period. With some people one is able to discuss, others not. 

Zen606

[Zen606]

MyBPD Friend,
You hit the nail on the head, keeping oneself safe, is our responsibility to ourselves. Scott Peck, author of A Road Less Traveled, describes our responsibility for our own mental health, despite the circumstances of the world we live in. Responsibility is a hard road where we make difficult decisions and use them as tools toward continued growth.

I had a BP trait mother. My ex had similar traits, something I realized on the eve of our separation; I saw very big red flag and I was gone. Being in love, the attraction, none of these things could have kept me there.  Bp is a serious disorder, even if only traits are present. It can destroy people and certainly relationships.

I sought mental health services a month before the relationship with my ex ended. It was those red flags that essentially led me there. My luck is that I have an amazing therapist who is essentially an analyst, and the child and the unconscious  are essential in the work I am doing with her. It all comes back to the issue of a parent with BP traits and the child -- me-- a scapegoat for her illness. This is where the 100% NC comes in, the separation had to be done, period. I could not keep myself in a toxic scene.

Zen606