He got an upsetting phone call from his dad; now we're off to the races again

[Ladystardust86]

Hi, my name is LadyStarDust86 and my husband has been recently diagnosed with BPD. He has struggled with mental health problems for as long as I have known him, and to my knowledge this is his fifth or sixth diagnosis. Others have included adjustment disorder, major depressive disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder. In addition to BPD he is currently being treated for OCD and bipolar disorder.

He is currently enrolled in a PhD program in another city about two hours away, so he maintains a crash pad there and stays with me when doesn't have to attend class or a meeting on campus. His rages can be quite scary -- he breaks things and has at times gotten physically violent with me and our dog -- however last year they seemed to be getting better. Then in January he completely went off the deep end and holed himself up in his apartment up there and refused to come home until early March. All the while he raged at me from afar, sending me verbally and emotionally abusive emails,  texts, and voice mails, and calling several fake wellness checks on me when I blocked him.

When he came back things seemed better. He resumed therapy and taking his medication, and we started going to couple's counseling. Then last Thursday he got an upsetting phone call from his dad and now we're off to the races again. I know he doesn't mean any of the awful things he says when he's like this, and repeating that to myself helps a little, but I feel pretty alone and hurt right now. I'm trying to keep hope and look for support, because none of my friends or family understand why I don't want to leave him.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. Just trying to weather the storm, looking for any support or encouragement I can get. Hell, just having someone I could talk to who understands what I'm going through would be a godsend.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

HI LadyStarDust86

I'm sorry that things have been chaotic recently. It sounds like stress tends to cause your H to be unable to deal with his emotions more than usual. Would you say that is the case? You've found a great place for support and encouragement. It's hard when family and friends can't understand why you stay, but they don't get to see your pwBPD when they are doing well.

What was the call from his dad about?

[Ladystardust86]

Yes, stress definitely makes him less able to emotionally self regulate. When he isn't stressed out he is relatively normal, if a little distant. I don't know what the phone call was about in total, but I do know they discussed his sister, from whom he is estranged. I'm really struggling because this diagnosis is so new and I'm trying to respond to his rage in a healthy way. But I don't really know what that looks like. He's not home so I don't know what's actually going on unless I engage with him via phone or text. But that seems to provoke the rage further. Compounding the situation is that I now believe my mother had either BPD or NPD and my childhood was very traumatic. When he does this not only is it difficult to withstand in the moment it is also intensely triggering. And he is one of only a few people who know about my family history, so not only am I being triggered, my primary source of emotional support gets yanked out from under me. It's so hard not to continue to rely on unhealthy coping strategies when I haven't learned anything else to replace them with. I cannot over emphasize how alone and abandoned I feel.

[Tattered Heart]

It's so hard not to continue to rely on unhealthy coping strategies when I haven't learned anything else to replace them with. I cannot over emphasize how alone and abandoned I feel.

This is so true. It's really frustrating when you want to respond correctly, but don't be too hard on yourself. Like you said, you have a LIFETIME of learned behavior that triggers you to respond how you respond. It's not something that will be fixed overnight. It is gradual steps, a little here, a little there. Then you'll take a few back, but you'll get there. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Us Nons are often the ones who have it together and we have a hard time being nice to ourselves. It's our inner parent talking to us.

Text is hard to talk to someone with BPD. Neither of you can read facial expressions or hear tones so it easily gives way to misunderstanding. I keep my texts with my H short.

We have a ton of tools and skills on our Tools & Skills Workshop page. I would recommend you read through some of those, but again, go easy. It's a lot to read and take in. I always suggest that you choose one skill and begin working on that. Really dig into and ask for help on how to practice it on this board. One of the easier skills is:

Validation . Oftentimes we think we are validating but it comes across as invalidating to someone with BPD.  Then we have some examples of Validation Examples to help you see what validation looks like.

Also, we do have the board for Parent, Sibling, or Other with BPD that can help you begin to work through things with you FOO.

How does all that sound?

[Ladystardust86]

Yes, that does sound helpful and the articles I read were informative. I am left wondering how much of my experience is unique. For instance, everything I have read says that BPD emotional outbursts are short, but his last days, weeks, or even months. Has anyone else experienced that?