Asked my mom to leave my home.

[Learning2Thrive]

As I was reading more on Pete Walker’s website I came across this passage which deeply resonates with me and my situation and may possibly relate to you and yours:

Healing from PTSD is also a long, gradual process because recovering our developmentally arrested instincts of full self-expression requires practicing new self-championing behaviors that trigger flashbacks to times when we were punished or abandoned for acting in our own self-interest. Self-championing was punished like a capital crime in many dysfunctional families. The flashback pain that this kind of practicing triggers can feel so acute that it masks the gradual relief and reduction of the chronic pain of remaining invisible. The pain of flashbacks induced by practicing self-expressive behavior that was punishable in the childhood family is a bit like going to the dentist for a toothache. Unless we accept the acute pain of the dentist’s therapeutic procedure, we will suffer chronic dental discomfit indefinitely.

Please be gentle and extra kind to yourself today. You ARE WORTHY of self-championing and self-care.  

[Harri]

That is an excellent quote L2T.  Thank you for sharing it here.  

The flashbacks are necessary to healing but can often mask the progress and healing we have actually achieved... .very interesting!

[herkey18]

As children we were forced to accept the abuse in the name of love and respect for our parents. As adults we need to love ourselves enough to learn how to heal and that means providing ourselves with the physical and emotional safe space required to facilitate healing. 

Yes, Yes yes.  I read this and thought this is why it is so hard to be the child of a BPD, so hard to break the cycle of abuse.  There is so much guilt because of that parent/child relationship and feeling like we are being disrespectful to our parent.   We have to love ourselves!  Thank you for this thought.

[Blueskyday]

Hi,

I didn't read all of the responses so forgive me if this has been said.

If she had cancer she would not be emotionally killing you so you may not feel a need to flee to protect yourself! You are held hostage by your sense of responsibility which doesn't necessarily mean you don't love her. ( Ive ben confused by this in the past)

You can still love her from a different street. Lord knows not many husbands would buy into this situation. Are you willing to continue to put others before your significant other?

You did a wonderful thing but it takes two to tango and your mother doesn't want to dance.

I was advised to turf my then 17yr old out as her abuse was negatively affecting my Lupus and I was suicidal. This advice came from an expert on domestic abuse. It was harder than words can express.I know your pain and your struggle. You see to me it just shows me what a decent person you really are. You need to hold on to this fact.

You will always feel guilty but you can help her relocate. You can still be there for her but just not enmeshed.You can come home and close your door when you need to. You are still the child here.

[Turkish]

My mom got into my face accusing me of being a liar the first day I brought her to live with us.  Near the end she got into my face  (space) waving her calendar and threatening to get a lawyer against me. Given elder abuse laws, many of us can be in real danger much like a domestic abuse situation.

You did what you have done to be safe.  My friends here were instrumental in helping me work through the guilt,  and I'm glad that you are getting good support here 

Unlike DV with a romantic partner, PSI kids like us deal with high the societal guilt and also internal guilt of "abandoning" our parents. This is a tough thing to struggle with. 

[Sad4Her]

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry for not replying back to each and every one of you right now. It's been hectic but I'm pushing through with the help of your kind words and stories. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it's way past the time to do it. Love to you all!

[Harri]

Hi Sad4Her, thanks for popping in to let us know you are pushing through. 

Hang in there. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Sad4Her, just popping in to let you know you are not alone.

 I hope things are getting better for you as the FOG lifts and your perspective becomes more clear.

Thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.

L2T

[looking4light113]

I was in your exact almost situation. My husband and I purchased a home with a back house just so my mom would have somewhere to live where she could afford. I started therapy at almost the same time we all moved in together after I got sober from alcohol. Through lots of sessions I finally asked my mom to move out for the health of our relationship (also for my sanity and so I could continue to work on myself but I didn’t tell her that part). It has been AWFUL. She has made it so so incredibly difficult and made my husband the bad guy since I have been asking him to correspond with her. She has called him so many names and has been disrespectful in her tone and attitude toward him. I feel for you. It is so difficult to separate. She moved out today. Through this separation though there have been times where I have felt so much freedom. At times before we asked her to move I felt like I wanted to move out of state just to escape her. Im sorry you are going through this but it is so worth it.

[Sad4Her]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind words and support. Sorry it took me this long to respond. It's been hectic. I'm selling my home and looking for a new one. Looking4light113, although it feels good to have someone understand what I'm going through, I want to cry for you BECAUSE I know your pain. My mom has been out of the house for a few weeks now. She has calmed down... .for now. It's sad that I won't even miss my beautiful house even a bit. I never really felt like it was mine because my mother dictated everything, down to how and when to throw my garbage. Hopefully, we will live a long and happy life in our new home. I wish you guys the best as well!

Thanks you!
Sad4Her

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind words and support. Sorry it took me this long to respond. It's been hectic. I'm selling my home and looking for a new one.
…
My mom has been out of the house for a few weeks now. She has calmed down... .for now. It's sad that I won't even miss my beautiful house even a bit. I never really felt like it was mine because my mother dictated everything, down to how and when to throw my garbage.

No apology necessary, S4H. We’re here whenever it’s a good time for you to drop in and I’m so glad you did.

I’m also happy to hear your mother has calmed down for now. It’s good to have a reprieve.

Selling your home and looking for a new one sounds like a very healthy decision for you. Have you found something you fancy yet?

 

  L2T

[zachira]

I am so happy for you that you are buying a house that you can feel is really yours because your mother will not influence your choices while you live there. Such a wonderful way to start over and an example for all of us! Keep us posted on how you are doing and what your new life is like in your new home!

[Harri]

Thank you for the update Sad4Her, I was wondering how things are going for you.  What an exciting yet stressful time with big changes going on (mom moving out and selling a house).  New beginnings!

How are you doing with stress management? 

[Sad4Her]

Yes! We found a beautiful home. Can't wait to move in! Thank you all!