Dumped three times but determined to find happiness

[Inko51]

She dumped me towards the end of Nov 2017. As often is the case, it came out of the blue and I had no idea what was coming. I had merely asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Despite a couple of attempts asking her to reverse the decision, she was having none of it. I stopped chasing and then surprise, surprise she started chasing me. But this proved to be a fools paradise.

On the 27 Dec 2017 inspite of already being dumped, because of an email I sent, I was dumped a second time. The email was only talking about our relationship, but she felt I was presuming too much. This time she said, ":)on't contact me ever again forever." When I explained via email I meant no malice, she started texting once again.

From the end of Nov 2017 (first dumping) to the end of Jan 2018, our relationship was confined purely to texting. If I suggested meeting up it was ignored as we're phone calls. Texting varied hour-by-hour and day-by-day. One minute she was asking if I missed her and still seeking validation, the next she was providing a litany of complaints about me, much of which were distorted. Truth be told, I became impatient and emotionally drained with the constant up and down. I was doing the bulk of the texting and as her interest waned, I just increased my texting efforts (big mistake).

On the 01 Feb 2018 after receiving a litany of negative texts, even to the level of saying the meals I made when we were together were 'minging' and 'gross', I suggested the need for some space. This led to the final dumping as she responded with, "I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me." And she was certainly true to her word.

I sent a few letters trying to explain how important she was to me given I was blocked everywhere and that I still wanted her in my life. I received no response, so sent a final letter, including a drawing of her dog which I had undertaken before Xmas but never got the chance to give her. The letter just said I would now leave her be and wished her well for the future and if she ever changed her mind she knew where I was. The final letter resulted in a telephone call from the police. She had contacted them to say she wanted a clean break. The police fortunately said the matter was informal, but should I write further then this could stray into legal terrain. To make matters worse, we met at work and fortunately I left in Dec 2017, but one of my ex work colleagues who I had a good relationship with ignored my recent contact so I suspect she has possibly smeared my character at work too to add insult to injury.

I sent four letters over a period of a month and all were friendly and polite. My only other crime was to believe her and reciprocate her love. We never had a row and I treated her well in my view.

I have felt devastated ever since and just could not have felt more deflated and low. It was all like a bad dream. As a professional person I cannot believe what had just happened. I was aware she had also contacted the police about her previous ex and her neighbour, not that that helped me.

Since then I did what most people do, over analysed, replayed events over and over again and if I had just done this or said that, resisted temptation to reach out and try to explain further, monitored my phone constantly just hoping for the text that would never come. I also obsessed about her wondering what she would be doing, how she was feeling and visualising her when I awoke and before I went to sleep. I missed her 'night night' messages. Because she told me she didn't think I cared about her enough this motivated me to send her letters. In fact sending her heartfelt letters became the cornerstone of my self criticism. How did I become so needy? Why did I think that would even work?

But today something has changed, which is what I really want to share. I decided I no longer wanted to be a victim of someone who does not care about me. Whilst I have struggled to machette my way through each day, I sensed her life has been just fine without me. So why should I continue to suffer and diminish who I was just because I cared for someone?

The reality is, as painful as being duped and dumped is, broken in grief will not re-attract her, or anyone else come to that! So instead of sliding even further into the depths of despair, I want to become the person I was instead of a broken husk of that person. The person I was is the very person she was attracted to. But I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it inspite of her.

I have read a lot and realised that we are responsible for our own feelings and actions. We do not require external validation for our own happiness and worth. Nor can we control someone else's responses, only our own.

I don't expect to ever hear from her again, but I have no control over that. But why should I stay in perpetual mourning for someone who has treated me so poorly with no consideration or care, in spite of proclaiming I was her soul mate, how an angel had sent me to her and how I was the person she wanted to marry and have a child with. I've long given up on the prospect of seeking closure and true understanding of why she dumped me. what does it matter now?

So although it's a tough journey and the pain is horrific I don't deny, we owe it to ourselves to mourn and move on, but not to be too hard on ourselves either. It's not needy or pathetic to care about someone even if it is unrequited. In fact being honest with feelings is a sign of strength in my view. And lest not forget, there are other people out there who would not only be attracted to us, but would also treat us well and how we deserve to be treated.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Inko51,

That sure is a turning point.  How do you feel for giving yourself permission to let go of the hope of reconciliation and focus on your healing?  I read your backstory after seeing your contribution to my thread and I can hear new resolve in this post.  I hope this resolve includes taking good care of yourself, and being patient and kind towards yourself as you work through the grief process.  In what ways do you plan to help yourself with this?  As you rightly said, being honest with feelings is a sign of strength and giving yourself opportunity to process these is equally important.

I have read a lot and realised that we are responsible for our own feelings and actions. We do not require external validation for our own happiness and worth. Nor can we control someone else's responses, only our own.

You've clearly been reading the right type of material.  Have you taken a look at the Lessons (to the right side of the page)?  These are there as a framework to help you take the steps towards healing and I found them really helpful as a check in point to see where I was in the stages.  Bear in mind, you will have better days than others, some of the latter will be awful and everything in between.  It's normal for you to cycle through emotions as you work through detaching, yet every step you take will add up.  We're here with you on the journey. 

Thanks for sharing your update with us and keep posting - it helps a great deal. 

Love and light x 

 

[Inko51]

Thank you Harley, actually I have not concentrated on the framework lessons, but will do so. I have read a lot of people's stories though which has been really helpful.

Since my breakup happened I have tended to neglect so much, family, friends and interests, whereas my ex has continued to function unabated and I suspect she is probably likely to be in another relationship by now. My plan is to reengage with what I have neglected and see how that goes.

I am under no illusion that there will most likely be good and bad days still, but at least I have now had to accept she is not coming back. It was a painful realisation, which is why I think I hit a real low point yesterday.

But thank you for reaching out and finding this site has been so helpful. In the dark times it's so good to know there is a safety valve where I can share my thoughts and by doing so I hope this helps others too.

[Inko51]

I would also add Harley, I think I just reached a saturation point of grief and realised that I had to fight back.

I was deluding myself thinking she would return. She always said that once you become an ex that's it. So if I mean so little to her I do myself no favours by pining for her.

[Harley Quinn]

If your ex had come back and you returned to the relationship exactly as things were, would that be the type of r/s you would truly want?  This is a question I had to ask myself many times when I found myself missing my ex and helped me to get real with myself in my lower moments.  It's helpful to give yourself tools for those moments.  Coming here can be one of them.  Journalling is also something many members do, or writing out the difficult behaviours of their ex to remind them when they think of only the good and forget the rest. 

What many of us do is wish for the return of the initial idealisation, which isn't a realistic view of things.  In fact there are a whole bunch of beliefs we can hold which make it more difficult to detach.  You may find this interesting.  It's an article on Surviving a BPD breakup and contains the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck.  It was a real eye opener for me as I held several and over the course of my detaching it gave me things to work towards letting go of.  I'd be interested to know if you feel any of these still apply to you. 

Meantime it's great to hear that you are focusing yourself on moving forwards.  Every small step adds up and re engaging with family and friends is a smart starting point.  It made a world of difference for me.  Being around those who love you and can remind you that you are lovable is so important.  Keep posting too.  We're listening.

Love and light x

[Inko51]

Thanks Harley,

I have thought a lot about things (as you do!). One of the things that flummoxed me is that ironically she did not appear complicated and because I had a lot of things going on at the time so it was nice to be with someone who did not appear to have difficulties beyond day-to-day minor woes (kind of ironic now).

I was saying to Cromwell in another post, what is hard to bear is that you not only lose the one you love suddenly and if that isn't enough, there's all the other ramifications i.e besmirching your character, loss of income and time, rejecting your friends and family, whilst they appear to miss out on all this. What's more, they also not only dump you, but seem to despise you too. And your only crime is to fall in love. I could accept if I'd cheated, or been an abuser of some sort. Plus I've never been involved with the police in my life, but I was teetering on the edge of that too given her actions of reporting me. In was feeling nostalgic and sad, she was thinking restraining orders. We were clearly on a different page.

I also thought long and hard about the relationship and was it what I wanted? I think what also happened in my case is that my focus was on the wrong thing. When I met her children later on down the line after I had bonded with her, they had challenging behaviour and there was a fractious relationship between her and her ex husband so this made for a complicated dynamic overall. I felt I had a lot to offer so I was trying to work out how I would manage this situation to the betterment of everyone. I never considered for one moment that her kids behaviour were a clear reflection on her behaviour. I just felt she had been struggling as a single parent.

So to try and manage this complicated situation with two children with challenging behaviour and then support my ex who seemed to exhibit BPD traits was just too much of a tall order.

I feel her actions towards me were nasty and again your ego takes a hit as you feel you have a lot to offer, but you are utterly rejected. Ironically if you have a lot of interests and potential, if you are still rejected in spite of that you then very much focus on what is wrong with your character, because surely it cannot be anything else.

I am well travelled, involved in wildlife conservation, wildlife photography, artist and engage in many sports and I have a relatively nice home, car etc, etc so what is wrong with me? That kind of thing. I did examine the list you speak of and I really did take on board all the guilt and responsibility for the relationship failing, so much so, that I wrote a letter to her to this effect. How lame is that? It meant we could not have a child together now or get married as we had planned and it was all my fault and if I had only not messed up. Trouble is when I look at how I am supposed to have messed up it seems distorted and untrue. Yet I still took the can for it.

I am focusing on moving forward now and I have started painting again and I will keep reading and adding to discussions as I want to support others too as there is no pain like it in my view and that takes into account the loss of close relatives.

Thanks Harley and sending good vibes to you too x

[Inko51]

Another point Harley is that when she raised her concerns, which she purported led to the breakup i.e how I had pushed her away and how I did not like her children, or her come to that and how I did not make her feel special, there was no recourse for changing anything. There was no specific examples offered just general broad statements.

She would text things like, "It's a shame you pushed me away from the start isn't it? We could have done so much together, but that was the way it was and it cannot be changed now. Anyway good night!" or "You wanted a child with me, but you did not show interest in mine".

[CryWolf]

hey buddy, I see your on the detaching section as well.

I just want to give you some info from my relationship. My ex dumped me NUMEROUS times  Reasons from finding x-rated videos on my history, to flirting with a girl on social media 9 months before i met her, to accusing me of staring at a waitress. The breakups always felt like 'this is the last time". of course i begged and pleaded, and we got back together. man i teared up like the water show they do in front of the bellagio in vegas. haha. sometimes she'd even say, " we need to break this cycle" and im like "youre the one causing the cycle of breaking up all the dang time"   

I feel her actions towards me were nasty and again your ego takes a hit as you feel you have a lot to offer, but you are utterly rejected. Ironically if you have a lot of interests and potential, if you are still rejected in spite of that you then very much focus on what is wrong with your character, because surely it cannot be anything else.

I am well travelled, involved in wildlife conservation, wildlife photography, artist and engage in many sports and I have a relatively nice home, car etc, etc so what is wrong with me? That kind of thing. I did examine the list you speak of and I really did take on board all the guilt and responsibility for the relationship failing, so much so, that I wrote a letter to her to this effect. How lame is that? It meant we could not have a child together now or get married as we had planned and it was all my fault and if I had only not messed up. Trouble is when I look at how I am supposed to have messed up it seems distorted and untrue. Yet I still took the can for it.

I am focusing on moving forward now and I have started painting again and I will keep reading and adding to discussions as I want to support others too as there is no pain like it in my view and that takes into account the loss of close relatives.

I can relate about having so many hobbies and interests, that you start wondering, "why am i not good enough?" yet you bring excitement and spontaneity into their life. I recently started telling myself, I have so much going on for me. None of these guys can compare to me, and I know what i bring to the table. "its her damn loss". This mindset is so strong for anyone to have. And of course you wont be like this all the time, but any moment you can, it does wonders.

Dont blame yourself for taking all the blame. A majority of people in relationships with BPD's do. It doesnt mean youre a doormat, but you see their point of view even if you dont know of their condition. You are compassionate and caring. Of course, there is the tool "validating the invalidate" which is key to making any relationship work. We all make mistakes, and we learn. You learned and are learning. The only time you fail is when you dont acknowledge/try and continue to make the some mistakes and dont even bother putting the time in. You are trying my friend.   We're all trying our best, learning and growing. Please dont let the past or anyone discourage you.

Before i wrote my ex that email i sent her 2 weeks ago on my posts, I saw an email that i sent her a year ago this same time. Apologizing for everything, taking the blame for not understanding, etc. I wasn't taking blame to relieve the situation but because i started blaming myself for not understanding her and maybe i hurt her and maybe i wasnt listening. I did love her and wanted her to know. I even wrote her letters on napkins from mcdonald's in the car during a breakup, with my tears rolling down them.  

It seems like you have a lot going on for you! You could go on one of those bachelor shows   

but all jokes aside, one thing I noticed about you, is you have amazing writing and literary skills. 

Another point Harley is that when she raised her concerns, which she purported led to the breakup i.e how I had pushed her away and how I did not like her children, or her come to that and how I did not make her feel special, there was no recourse for changing anything. There was no specific examples offered just general broad statements.

She would text things like, "It's a shame you pushed me away from the start isn't it? We could have done so much together, but that was the way it was and it cannot be changed now. Anyway good night!" or "You wanted a child with me, but you did not show interest in mine".

I think she may be saying these things, but some other issue might be at play. Maybe she said these things, to give a sense of purpose for the breakup, or something to do with her kids, and probably having to put them first before a relationship. Just some speculations, and of course you wont ever know unless its from the source directly. Im sure you did the best you could and wanted the best for her kids as well.

[Inko51]

Thanks Crywolf, the kids thing was very complicated, but you may have hit on a salient point. The kids was the first conscious red flag for me. They had challenging behaviours and demanded attention at all times to ridiculous levels. Her role often fluctuated from being a peer to being a parent. And this is where it got complicated.

She would forever complain about how lazy they were and how tired she was feeling doing everything for them. She did literally do everything, all meals, washing up/drying, cleaned the house, cleaned their rooms, made their beds, cleaned their shoes and the list goes on. They weren't toddlers but in their older teens. I probably did the wrong thing by giving her suggestions, which she then took as a criticism of her parenting skills. I did hear her one day slagging me off to her daughter and she was often slagging off her ex-husband/their father to them in front of me too and seeking relationship advice from her daughter. I did not partake in commenting.

Sometimes her texts to her ex-husband were overly aggressive and I would often advise her to temper them. She was also criticised by her mother for not doing enough for her children (I cannot imagine what much more she could do!). She had a fractious relationship with her parents.

I feel her children would pick up on her anxiety levels and abandonment fears as they would sometimes threaten if she chastised them that they wanted to live with their father instead. This used to upset her greatly and I advised her to call their bluff and not succumb to blackmail. But no doubt she may have interpreted this as me trying to offload her children.

Now I suspect what happened was that due to her anxieties she would follow some of my suggestions, but rather than just do them, she would more than likely say I had suggested them instead of her. This served two purposes. Firstly it protected her relationship as she was not the one suggesting it and secondly, it kept a gulf between me and her children so she did not feel abandoned by them. Naturally her children would not like my interference as this threatened their status quo and why would they want to change a situation whereby they had a personal slave to do everything for them? I suspect they probably said they did not like me and this added pressure too.

My suggestions were only ever designed to make it more compatible for all. For instance I struggled with her son saying to her, "get me this, or get me that - Now!" He was aggressive towards her and his sister and seemed to be frequently in trouble at school.

In an ideal world I wanted us to work together on a baseline of acceptance and then for her to implement it in the initial phase. I would then support her so we had
consistency of approach and a united front, otherwise if we were to live together and then implement the change this would be perceived as only happening because of me and this would undoubtedly create a gulf and she would naturally choose her children. I get that. Unfortunately we never got round to having the chat. This was only an issue if we were to live together of course because at the end of the day it was ultimately up to her and the child's father how they wanted to socialise their kids. But I was placed in a double bind. If I did not intervene I demonstrated lack of interest and if I did intervene it was because I did not like them and was critical of her parenting skills.

I also noticed that she seemed resistant to me spending time alone with her son. I suggested we go cycling together and maybe he could learn to scuba dive for instance. She was dead against this. Yet in my previous relationship I had taken onboard my ex-girlfriends son for 19-years and we have a great relationship to this day.

There were many dynamics to contend with and I was keen to get it right, but she clearly perceived my approach as disliking of her children.

Thanks for the comments about my writing and literary skills. I feel there are a lot of good writers on here, including yourself. The power of expression is so important on this site.

[Cromwell]

But I was placed in a double bind. If I did not intervene I demonstrated lack of interest and if I did intervene it was because I did not like them and was critical of her parenting skills.

damned if you do damned if you dont. catch22 scenario. i remember it fondly.

[Inko51]

Sorry you had the same experience Cromwell. You really get put through the ringer!

[Cromwell]

I never had grey hair at all until I met her! Every day Im sure I find a new one. must be all that new found wisdom as my old folks used to say. I hate it as you get older you start to hear these haunting old proverbs that you used to just laugh off, but they turn out to be the truth. Nothing that Dr Scharzkopf cant fix, right?.  

Dont worry about her putting me through the ringer, she puts herself through worse every single minute of the day. I just came to the realisation there comes a day in ever caretakers career that they finally come to say "F this job, I QUIT!"

and Im glad you managed to spare yourself the future agony. 8 months later I really see things far differently than I did at the time and I know from the way you post here, you will get over this and see the value of what the experience gave. For me it did make the whole thing worthwhile and with that, the bitterness, anger or feelings of longing just evaporate away as quickly as they arrive.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Inko51,

But why should I stay in perpetual mourning for someone who has treated me so poorly with no consideration or care, in spite of proclaiming I was her soul mate,

I am in exactly the same position as you. Only in my case I have known my ex for 16 years. I reconnected with her 6 years ago (just after I got married) and allowed her back into my life because I felt she was my real soulmate.

In my case my fantasy view of what our r/s could be has kept me in a state of perpetual desire and agony. It is intensely painful to finally see that my ex was never as committed to this r/s as me, nor did she ever really give me hope that we could be together in the future. Most of that fantasy creation was my romantic idealism and since she is a beautiful, sexy woman, I wanted her just like an addict craves heroin.

I haven't seen my ex for 14 months and we haven't contacted each other for a month. This time I feel the turmoil really is all over. However, despite an agonising 6 year entanglement with a few highs (in the bedroom) but mainly lows, we have both come to the conclusion that our mutual character assassination is not conducive to a loving r/s. I loved this woman and would have done anything for her, but my resentments about how little time she gave me and how little validation she gave my feelings turned my extreme love into a toxic cocktail of anger and revenge.

These kinds of relationships are devastating and we are better off out of them. Only then can we get peace of mind and heal. I wish you all the best.

RF

[Inko51]

Thanks Cromwell and Romantic Fool,

I completely get the siren thing crashing you onto the rocks. I have never fallen for someone so hard in such a short time frame. And it is like a fix. Funnily enough though I did not recognise how hard I had fallen for her when we were actually together. It's only when she withdrew that the pain and shock of realisation set in. A bit like when you first notice the small green shoots of pond weed on the surface, but then when you look into the pond it is choked with the stuff and all too late.

My first dumping was in Nov 2017, followed by an additional dumping in Dec 2017 and a final one for good measure at the beginning of Feb 2018. It just becomes exhausting and I know I now crave peace like you guys do. When I am in the logical zone I just think, why are you still drawn to someone who treats you so badly, but when I am in the emotional zone, my crazy side kicks in and I want to contact her and go back for more. Needless to say my logical side wins, but the friction point between the two is what causes the pain and turmoil. But even if I wanted to reach out I know I cannot because of potential legal ramifications, so this serves an additional safeguard I guess.

I wish you guys all the best too and it is so helpful to hear other peoples' experiences as you really do feel you're alone trying to make sense of complete illogical events. At one point I really believed I must be a terrible partner and worse still I did not even realise how bad I was. I was apologising and taking the rap based on her perceptions and not my own. It's almost like being brainwashed and I felt I was street savvy!

[Harley Quinn]

I really did take on board all the guilt and responsibility for the relationship failing, so much so, that I wrote a letter to her to this effect. How lame is that? It meant we could not have a child together now or get married as we had planned and it was all my fault and if I had only not messed up. Trouble is when I look at how I am supposed to have messed up it seems distorted and untrue. Yet I still took the can for it.

It's not lame.  You were in pain, trying to save a r/s and opening yourself up to accepting your part.  You were merely accepting more than that by the sounds of it.  Inko, do you think that you adopted her perspective on things?  I found myself not knowing what was real and what wasn't any more by the end of my r/s.  It isn't unusual for us to believe that we are entirely to blame for things when that really doesn't make sense.  Becoming enmeshed can lead to that type of thinking, as we adopt another person's reality as our own, and there can also be a degree of cognitive dissonance involved.  We're simply trying to make sense of something that is impossible to understand.

I'm glad to hear that you're painting again.  I take art and photography classes and find that I can use creativity as an outlet for my feelings.  I've painted a lot the last few months to get me through a difficult time.  It's a very mindful activity as focusing on what you're doing causes you to be present in the moment, which has a great calming and balancing effect.  Keep the brushes handy! 

Love and light x     

[RomanticFool]

Thanks for your good wishes Inko 51. I am going to need some empathy as I finally break the attachment. I really like your pond weed analogy. Spot on!

At one point I really believed I must be a terrible partner and worse still I did not even realise how bad I was. I was apologising and taking the rap based on her perceptions and not my own. It's almost like being brainwashed and I felt I was street savvy!

The gaslighting can make us feel that we are the unreasonable party. I kind of am streetwise but I have discovered doing battle with my ex is a fruitless exercise. She will simply pull out the ST for as long as she feels like it. I have no answer to anything she does. Just last year when I thought I'd finally broken free she contacted me and said she had attempted suicide.

The best way to deal with a pwBPD is to have no expectations at all and to be as validating around their emotional volatility as possible. When I was in that frame of mind communication was great. The trouble is that my desires and expectations of what the situation could be overpowered my rational mind. My fantasy world took over and when she fell short of where I wanted us to be I attacked her verbally. I can understand my behaviour because it has been like the proverbial water torture over the years but being demanding or aggressive with a BPD is the worst possible thing you can do. My ex fits the description of the 'Waif' BPD and I am a sucker for a damsel in distress. However, she is not what she seems. Far from being a submissive victim she is actually a strong and capable woman. I have learnt the hard way that crossing her has severe consequences.

[Inko51]

Spot on RomanticFool, I would describe waif tendencies with mine too and she too was also far more emotionally stronger than she appeared - I just did not see this at first. She actually became quite controlling too. Now ironically I am normally attracted to strong women so I wonder if subconsciously I picked up on that with her, but that's a whole new subject I guess.

As painful as it is to let go, at least it's you taking control of your own happiness and making that decision. You should be happy. Not that it's an easy thing to do I do get that. Far from it, but I really wish you well with it. I am unable to exercise that level of control in the same way unfortunately as I have no choice but to to let go due to the potential legal issues If I didn't.

One thing that strikes me on this site is the number of people who seem like really descent sorts and yet have been abused in one way or another. I think we all deserve so much better than what we actually get.

[Inko51]

Thanks Harley Quinn, the one thing we do I guess is heavily reflect and ruminate on what has occurred. I obsess about the letters I sent, but the one thing about them I do know was they were friendly, non-threatening and solution-focused. That is why I find it really sad this resulted in her going to the police, especially after the last one whereby I said I would not write anymore and wished her well for the future, including a nice drawing of her pet I did before Xmas. Basically I did not have the heart to throw it away, so included it in my final letter. By contrast I can remember when I ignored her calls just the once because she had been so negative towards me, she rang me constantly until I answered. I wouldn't dream of contacting the police.

I appreciate your reassurance I was not being lame. One thing I do now consider is that, yes, I made some strategic mistakes, but I did my best under trying circumstances. But it does take two to make it work and not the heroic efforts of one.

Yes, I think I definitely accepted her reality on the situation. She even used to say, "you need training and bringing inline big time!" Lol. And yet it was her life that was crumbling around her.

Glad you too have a creative outlet. I started painting this weekend for the first time in ages. Interestingly I held an exhibition in October last year and, although she came to it, she did not look at my work at all. I thought that was a bit odd at the time. Looking back I think now that was because she did not like the attention going away from her. That said, I have been shortlisted for an international wildlife art award shortly and instead of booking two tickets for the preview night, I am now only booking one. I found that really sad actually as I would have loved her to be there, but what can you do? It's not my choice how things have panned out and I would do virtually anything for this not to be the reality, but sadly it is the reality I will have to become accustomed to.

[RomanticFool]

If you have been obsessively texting her and have been threatened with legal action, that suggests the nature of your r/s has addictive properties. I am so very familiar with this type of behaviour because I have been that way my entire life. I have been so horribly in love with women at times that I felt I would die if I couldn't be with them. This kind of emotional overdrive has characterised my relationships. Today I read this on the DSM definition of Borderline Personality:

Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

I discovered after coming on here for some time that many of us are so attracted to BPDs because we may well be more emotionally equal than we like to think. In my case I have discovered that I may have some of the emotional dysregulation myself and this description above fits me to a tee.

I'm not saying that applies in your case but I am saying that digging into our own behaviours can be a very fruitful exercise and help us to understand why the attachments are so strong. Keep coming in here and sharing Inko51, you are an intelligent, thoughtful and perceptive person. You do indeed deserve something better than painful, obsessive attachment.

[Inko51]

Thanks RomanticFool, that's just it though, what is so odd is that I had not been texting her obsessively - that was her domain ironically. I sent four letters over a period of a month and a half. I didn't think this was overly obsessive in my view (although appreciate it is relative concept of course!). That said I was obsessed with her admittedly and still am to a degree. At work today a new lady started and laughed suddenly behind me and it was her laugh to a tee and I got sudden goosebumps.

It does sound like after we have truly reflected upon ourselves we need to address some of these 'needy' characteristics if that's the right word to use, because in all other respects people on here seem like great individuals. I do hold fast to the mantra though that being open and honest about feelings is a sign of strength. I suppose it tends to go wrong if having been open and honest about our feelings and intent this then translates into pursuing and becoming overbearing. It's akin to people making the mistake of associating kindness with weakness. We need to remain true to our core values and not throw the baby out with the proverbial bathwater.

In my opinion we have to like ourselves in a healthy way first and foremost, but then create our own tolerance barriers of what we will and will not accept and be truly willing to walk away when these are compromised. I think if we can do this we can still be open and be giving but within safe parameters to do so. It's when we start to value others more than we value ourselves I guess when the trouble starts because of an inherent fear inside of us. Can't remember who said the quote but, 'he or she who loves too much cannot be alone'. We are all members of the Survival Club and deserve good things going forward.

And likewise your good self and all the others I have had the pleasure of chatting with deserve ace treatment going forward. It's interesting how we see the quality in others on here that sometimes people don't see in themselves. We all need congruence I guess so that our our perceptions truly match our attributes and then hopefully the magic will happen. 

[RomanticFool]

Can't remember who said the quote but, 'he or she who loves too much cannot be alone'. We are all members of the Survival Club and deserve good things going forward.

This is really co-dependency. The trouble with this type of behaviour is that we can easily subjugate ourselves in a r/s and be eclipsed by our partner's dysfunctional needs. I think so many of us are swayed by the promise of a beautifully loving r/s with lots of sex, when the reality of getting involved with a BPD is that they get bored very easily.

It was said to me that 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.' I raised my ex up to be some kind of Goddess (she does have an amazing beauty) and by doing so I immediately diminished myself and my own needs. Luckily as I am older now, I am able to see when I do this and take action. The trouble is that the action I take is self-preservation which means I push her away and round and round we go in a cycle of resentment and then we do a mutual character assassination (a key characteristic of affairs between married people going wrong is attacking a person's character).