How to show brother it's his wife that is the one that is the problem

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Haven't spoken to brother in years due to BPD wife.  They deny it adamantly and blame everything on everyone else.  She went back to school to get psychology degree to "prove" his family are all socially disordered when is all her.  All she ever did was cause trouble and whisper to him constantly how awful were all are.  After all these years he still believes everything she says even though he knows better and she has alienated him from every friend and all family he ever had, but its still everyone else and he believes it. Never questions her or tells her no.

I've left them alone and only have discussed with my mom a few times when she calls me crying about their emotional abuse of her.  Even then i never engage them, giving them what they have asked for;  to be left alone. But now i have learned from my mom that now that both thier 2 boys have moved out and as my brother was very close to them,  the wife has started her campaign against them, her own children, to separate them from my brother and is throwing fits trying to convince him to move across the country to get him away from all of them because they are "jerks". Wth? Her own children!

This is all i can take.  Those boys don't deserve to lose the only person they were allowed to be close to (We were forbidden to see our talk to boys years ago).  I want my brother to see what she had done,  is doing,  before it's too late for them.  I thought i might be able to send him an easy to read book with examples that would help him see the truth,  by reading about others and why they behave this way,  what is thier goal,  to isolate,  manipulate,  keep them from seeing the one with the real problem. I want him to be able to tell her no for his boys.

Does anyone have suggestions about books that someone in denial and frankly has become equally as disordered can possibly be enlightened or at least maybe start to question?

Thanks!

[Crushedbyac]

Haven't spoken to brother in years due to BPD wife.  They deny it adamantly and blame everything on everyone else.  She went back to school to get psychology degree to "prove" his family are all socially disordered when is all her.  All she ever did was cause trouble and whisper to him constantly how awful were all are.  After all these years he still believes everything she says even though he knows better and she has alienated him from every friend and all family he ever had, but its still everyone else and he believes it. Never questions her or tells her no.

I've left them alone and only have discussed with my mom a few times when she calls me crying about their emotional abuse of her.  Even then i never engage them, giving them what they have asked for;  to be left alone. But now i have learned from my mom that now that both thier 2 boys have moved out and as my brother was very close to them,  the wife has started her campaign against them, her own children, to separate them from my brother and is throwing fits trying to convince him to move across the country to get him away from all of them because they are "jerks". Wth? Her own children!

This is all i can take.  Those boys don't deserve to lose the only person they were allowed to be close to (We were forbidden to see our talk to boys years ago).  I want my brother to see what she had done,  is doing,  before it's too late for them.  I thought i might be able to send him an easy to read book with examples that would help him see the truth,  by reading about others and why they behave this way,  what is thier goal,  to isolate,  manipulate,  keep them from seeing the one with the real problem. I want him to be able to tell her no for his boys.

Does anyone have suggestions about books that someone in denial and frankly has become equally as disordered can possibly be enlightened or at least maybe start to question?

Thanks!

[Turkish]

What kind of relationship do you have with your nephews? I could guess not much given the alienation by her,  but if they left,  you might have an opening to reach out to them.  

I'm trying to think if it were me and my brother. Do you think appealing to him man to man might open something up? Better than "what the [explicative] is wrong with you as a father? They are your SONS." But maybe something leaning that way.  

If your nephews are "free" and adults now,  the better path might be contacting them.  We've had members her connect ok with relatives from whom they were alienated.  

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome to the board.  I agree with Turkish that contacting your nephews may be the better way.  I have a feeling they would appreciate the gesture and value any relationship with a family member.  You may find you have to do the majority of the reaching out at first as they may not feel comfortable.  My family was estranged from both sides of the family and I would not have reached out on my own or pursued any contact if I were unsure given the non-existent contact prior to that.

What do you think?

[Crushedbyac]

Not sure at all. Im quite certain they have had years of conditioning against us and  would be vey suspicious. They have also been taught to be distrustful of anyone with  a life stressing extreme anti social superficial relationships.  I don't think they would understand in the least.  We haven't had contract with them since they were under 10. My mom is only allowed to speak with them under  wife's supervision, even today and they are in 20s. Plus  me connecting with them would definitely be reported and viewed as trying to be subversive and provide an endless " i told you so" to my brother. Just more "proof" we are out to undermine them as parents. I'm not saying it's not worth trying, just wouldn't have very high hopes,  plus doesn't help my brother.