Tips to detach totally when she's still around and triangulating

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've never been involved with anyone with BPD and didn't run when the red flags waived in front of me (idolisation, sympathy card, future planning within weeks etc). I got sucked in by how amazing she made me feel, someone that listened and wanted me. She quickly became very intense and was with me every spare minute of the day, calling, texting, video chatting, she would hate it if I didn't respond right away and gave me direct instructions that I should answer her texts immediately, if not she would think I was mad at her and would question if I really loved her and she didn't know how she could be loved by me. She wanted to be with me 24/7 and she  even tried to wait in the bathroom while I showered so she could be near me!

You would have thought any sane person would have run. Well, I have Asperger's and she didn't care, she seemed to understand me, at least that's what she said so I went along with it despite her saying she thought she had bi polar, it didn't bother me as I dealt with a long term relationship where she had depression so it wasn't new or scary.

Then I noticed lies, she would tell me something and others something else. They were only minor but found it odd why someone would tell such trivial lies. We talked about living together which I said couldn't happen at the moment and a week later she left me saying she needed to concentrate on herself... .then I would see her with another bloke and just ignored it but then she started saying lies to mutual friends about how full on I was and she basically felt smothered etc! She confronted me and asked why I was NC in a very adult way but she didn't answer my questions about the lies she was telling, she just told me she loved me, hugged me and put her head on my lap. My head was left reeling, thought I was putting her out my mind with full NC then this. Since then, a week ago I've not heard from her.

The hardest thing to forget was how she made me feel, could someone that loved you and idolised you just leave without any heads up? I really need to detach from these thoughts and I'm anxious she'll start telling me she loves me again and then go through ignoring me again until the next time.

[RandallUk30]

I've never been involved with anyone with BPD and didn't run when the red flags waived in front of me (idolisation, sympathy card, future planning within weeks etc). I got sucked in by how amazing she made me feel, someone that listened and wanted me. She quickly became very intense and was with me every spare minute of the day, calling, texting, video chatting, she would hate it if I didn't respond right away and gave me direct instructions that I should answer her texts immediately, if not she would think I was mad at her and would question if I really loved her and she didn't know how she could be loved by me. She wanted to be with me 24/7 and she  even tried to wait in the bathroom while I showered so she could be near me!

You would have thought any sane person would have run. Well, I have Asperger's and she didn't care, she seemed to understand me, at least that's what she said so I went along with it despite her saying she thought she had bi polar, it didn't bother me as I dealt with a long term relationship where she had depression so it wasn't new or scary.

Then I noticed lies, she would tell me something and others something else. They were only minor but found it odd why someone would tell such trivial lies. We talked about living together which I said couldn't happen at the moment and a week later she left me saying she needed to concentrate on herself... .then I would see her with another bloke and just ignored it but then she started saying lies to mutual friends about how full on I was and she basically felt smothered etc! She confronted me and asked why I was NC in a very adult way but she didn't answer my questions about the lies she was telling, she just told me she loved me, hugged me and put her head on my lap. My head was left reeling, thought I was putting her out my mind with full NC then this. Since then, a week ago I've not heard from her.

The hardest thing to forget was how she made me feel, could someone that loved you and idolised you just leave without any heads up? I really need to detach from these thoughts and I'm anxious she'll start telling me she loves me again and then go through ignoring me again until the next time.

[Skip]

How long a go was the breakup?

[RandallUk30]

Hi, it was about 5\6wks ago

[lighthouse9]

Hey Randall,

High functioning aspie here. I've received some advice from my therapist that the Aspie/BPD relationship can kind of go two ways. One, you (we) are ideal partners because we aren't easily sucked into some of the emotional tailspinning. Two, you (we) are less than ideal partners because these relationships can be highly illogical and they require high levels of emotional validation for our partners, which can be difficult if we don't recognize their emotions.

Since my break up, I've focused on learning some of the emotional validation stuff like I've learned any other social skill. I don't want her or anyone to feel like I don't value and validate what they are feeling, so learning the skills and recognizing when to use them has been imperative. It also helps me structure things and stay away from the self blame stuff or the shame stuff that tells me that it's my spectrum disorder that ruined the relationship. I've also learned a lot about BPD and bipolar disorder (not sure which one my ex might be, she shows signs of both but is undiagnosed though admits to identifying with BPD). This learning helps me to keep her illogical behavior in context and I found myself self soothing some of her irrational behavior with "of course she would behave that way, given her own neurodiversity."

What does this mean for me? Basically there's nothing she could be diagnosed with that I couldn't find a way to accommodate and love in our relationship. That's the logical side of me and the part that doesn't get easily sucked into emotional tailspinning. However, she doesn't feel the same way about herself and has at times used my diagnosis against me (she's since apologized, but it still hurt). I've had to re-learn that I'm a desirable partner and learn to see some of her hurtful words for what they are - total projection, and if anything, really hard stuff that she felt bad about for herself.

Whether you are trying to detach or not, I suggest using your awesome brain and way of seeing the world to see her in a different light. Learn about her and learn about yourself in a relationship like this. The skills on the bettering board are great for this. She might not be the last time you are in a spot like this, because we can make really attractive partners to people that are used to volatility. Learn about boundaries and how you can create a way for her to interact with you that is ok with you - and you can respectfully ask her to not interact with you if she's not going to respect your boundaries. You have a lot more agency in this than you might think.

Finally - to your note about "I have Asperger's and she didn't care" - please please please don't ever sell yourself short here or consider your Asperger's to be something someone has to overlook or tolerate. Some of my best moments with my wife were because she wholly embraced me and thought who I was was wonderful. Yes, we had the ugly moments I talked about with projection - but really, those projections could have been about anything. When things were good, she used to bring me coffee in the morning and say "Go!" with a smile on her face, because she knew she was in for a two hour adventure into my brain that likely wouldn't happen with someone neurotypical.

Are there ways you can embrace her neurodiversity, whether you decide to keep her in your life or not?

Keep us posted.

-Lighthouse

Edit: noticed this was on detaching not bettering -my bad! Still, the bettering skills are excellent for keeping a pwBPD in context, even when detaching (in my opinion).

[Skip]

She confronted me and asked why I was NC in a very adult way but she didn't answer my questions about the lies she was telling, she just told me she loved me, hugged me and put her head on my lap. My head was left reeling, thought I was putting her out my mind with full NC then this. Since then, a week ago I've not heard from her.

Busted. She reached out, she is taking your questions as being shameful (she's busted) and she has pulled back.

If you want her to be gone, just raise this issue again if she contacts you.

It sounds like you want her to talk about it, resolve it. She is probably hearing it as "you are defective" and backing off.

[RandallUk30]

She was a refreshing change as my previous NT ex got infuriated with my “illogical” thinking and zoning. With my xBPD I felt I could relax and really just be me without having to act like an NT, it was great and she was so honest and chilled with Aspergers but then the “you’re so amazing and I love you more than anyone” stage started to fizzle and it was more about how I could reassure her own insecurities while managing my own routines which are a must. To be fair with her erratic emotions and my need for stability and routine I’m not sure it could work in a productive way.

I’ve done a lot of learning about social norms and acting more NT in my job role I pretty much pass as one but it’s nice to have someone you can be yourself with. I miss that which is why I’d love to rekindle things but I know it will be highly dysfunctional and I’m getting to old for drama.

I’ll do more reading on this site and thanks for your posts. Nice to meet a fellow aspie.

Skip I think you’re right. Actually she has contacted me this very moment asking how I am etc. I’m going to try being amicable and if any love or miss you things turn up I’ll respectfully ask her not to say them.