When is enough enough. I cannot go on this way

[Inko51]

Since coming to this site, I have been privileged and moved to share experiences with fellow sufferers. In spite of poor treatment I have been touched by the absolute loyalty people have for their exe's in spite of some pretty shocking treatment. I too fall into this category.

I am not going to relay my full back story again as I have created a number of posts and explained it, but suffice to say I was dumped by my ex who seemed to exhibit possible BPD traits in Nov 2017. She ended the relationship suddenly and in spite of this we kept in touch and she then effectively dumped me two more times. We were texting daily throughout Jan 2018, but looking back now it was clear her interest had waned, but she was applying push and pull constantly telling me frequently if I hadn't done this or that then we would be together. I felt glimmers of hope, but only to have them dashed with comments like, "If you hadn't of messed up a walk we had planned, but you did and we can't change that now."

After one tirade of negative texts and a possible inference she was possibly meeting someone else, I suggested space between us leading to her stating, "You'll never hear from me again and I am blocking you". I did write to her explaining I merely suggested some space due to her negativity towards me and tried to offer solutions mixed in with some humour and reminiscence in my letters. I had no response to my four letters I sent over a month and half period, so I sent a final letter basically stating I would not write further, but wished her well. I was still friendly and included a drawing I did of her dog prior to Xmas. I just did not have the heart to throw it away. This final letter led to me receiving a phonecall from the police. She had contacted them saying she wanted a clean break, so their suggestion was not to write further. This was early March 2018. Needless to say I have respected enforced NC and I have heard nothing from her.

Now I may still want to engage in some further analysis of her texting to ascertain the hidden meaning behind her patterns, but there comes a point when you have to truly consider your position.

These past months have been horrific and I am tired of the pain, the false hope, the whereas and wherefores, should I have said this, or done that? If only I had not sent a message requesting space. Why did I do it? Should I risk potential legal issues just to talk to her and hopefully make her understand what she means to me? I dream about her and she is on my mind when I awake and when I go to sleep. I feel like her prisoner in my own self-imposed psychological cell.

Then I think about it more and realise as painful as it is that I have to face glaring facts - she does not love me. If she did, would she disappear from my life? We tend to project our feelings onto others. If she only felt a quarter like this she would surely be making contact? It was more like my message asking for space was her ideal opportunity to capitalise on my reaction and use it to jettison me out of her life and guess what - it was then my fault for asking for space. What I said afterwards made no difference, because of the simple fact she did not want me and probably never did since breaking up with me back in Nov 2017.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of ways I could bring her back into my life. But I am deluding myself. If she wanted to be in my life she wouldn't be ignoring me. I have to face facts she has moved on. So what should I do?

As agonising as it is I have to truly accept the realities of what is before my eyes. We won't be walking down the aisle, or having a child together.

But I feel I have done all I can to reverse things. Yes, I have made mistakes both in the relationship and post breakup, but my love for her was unwavering and anything that happened could be worked upon if two people want to. That' how healthy relationships should be. But if she does not love me and I no longer feature in her life I don't want to be the equivalent of a male Miss Haversham.

Obsessing and stressing is damaging. I don't have the solution as to how I move on, but at this stage just accepting I have to separate I'm hoping is a step in the right direction. I'm not ready for another relationship even though I'd like one at the current time. But whilst we are still attached to someone who clearly does not want us, then our energies are focusesed in the wrong place.

My thoughts go out to all!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Inko51, I suggest you let go.  It's doubtful that anything you might have done differently would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with a BPD r/s.  So give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up.  I have a saying, "Put your energy where your power is," i.e., in the things over which you have control (usually just yourself).  When in doubt, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.

LuckyJim

[Insom]

Hi,  Inko51.  It sounds like you're still processing what happened in this relationship. This is normal. 

Now I may still want to engage in some further analysis of her texting to ascertain the hidden meaning behind her patterns, but there comes a point when you have to truly consider your position.

When you're ready, let us know if we can help you with this.  We are here to listen!

Obsessing and stressing is damaging. I don't have the solution as to how I move on, but at this stage just accepting I have to separate I'm hoping is a step in the right direction.

How does it feel to accept that it's time to separate?

[Inko51]

Thanks Lucky Jim, I think I have no choice but to now let go. I cannot reach out due to potential legal ramifications and I don't see how I could now be with someone who would do this anyway, or ignore me for this length of time. That certainly does not feel like love. You are absolutely right, we cannot change what we have no control over. She seemed so into me, but realistically I don't think we would ever return to those glory days of yesterday. Accepting I will never see her again takes some coming to terms with and as much as I feel she has abused me in some ways, I still could not bear the thought of her being upset or in trouble. So weird given she has tried to damage my character!

Thank you for the reassurance that I could not have changed the outcome. I have spent a lot of time ruminating over that. My family have noted my decline and said it is making me ill and I have become a shadow of my former self. Starting a new job has helped a bit as they are a nice team, but she still occupies my mind throughout the day and night. I just cannot shake her off. I will look out for the Serenity prayer. Thank you.

[Inko51]

Thank you Insom, it is undoubtedly painful to consider separating I won't lie, but I'm now beginning to think it's more painful to stay in this heightened state of limbo.

I gaze across the bay from where I live towards where she lives and just long to see her. Last time I saw her was 23 Dec 2017. Even if her coastal town comes up on the local news I get butterflies. I just cannot carry on like this. If I could reach out I would, but deep down I know it's futile anyway. She controls the cards and it is up to her - but she has made her position clear by her lack of actions. Chasing her (even if I could) just feels like it would not yield any results (apart from a visit from the police most likely!).

I will include a flavour of the texts so perhaps it illustrates how frustrating it became. I just could not believe or understand the switch over.

During the good times - April to October 2017. When we met, these are the type of texts I received during this period throughout the course of the day every day, as follows:

Could I pull off wearing you?
I've wanted to kiss you all day (forever) so we could start there,
I just want to know your feelings. If you don't want to answer that's okay xxx
Making love in water. Swimming naked in a river. Writhing around together on a beach,
Mmmm I love you darling xxx,
Did I tell you I'll wear one if I get married again? Xxx (Tiara),
I do love you you know xxx, Lol.
You can kiss my heart to make me feel loved xxx❤,
I'm excited. I love you xxx
I absolutely loved seeing you today xxx
Ahh thank you! I love getting photos of you! Xxx

Then from November 2017 when she dumped me suddenly for asking her to unblock me on Facebook so I could finish a drawing of her and her kids, as follows:

How come you take so many photos of yourself?, 
It is hard to understand because I really really didn’t think I meant that much to you at all x,
Well yes you’ve said now but it’s up to me to believe it isn’t it? X,
I’m sorry but marriage is not on the agenda. It’s not a way of fixing or proving something. It’s not something to take lightly and the only way I would consider it would be if everything was completely right,
Yes you should have made it clear from date one. I honestly believed we were getting engaged on date eight like you'd said. I was prepared. X,
And you say you’d accept my children and maybe want one with me but you’ve criticised them all along and the way I bring them up so I don’t get what’s changed your mind?,
Last day spent with me working. Shame I was the guinea pig,
I’ve understood all along. I wish you hadn’t ballsed up the next walk we had planned but that’s the way it went,
I haven’t made mistakes.
You denied me for five months.
Weird you’re leaving,
It’s a shame you weren’t receptive to me when we met isn’t it? But that was the way it was and we can’t change that. Sleep well!,
It was the many comments you made about other women, your exes that have contributed. I know you say some were jokes, but they did not feel like jokes. Some of it upset me you know,
I’m not going to change my decision. We’re not getting back together.
And I remember when you told me my life was full of drama and how you did not want a relationship like that,
It’s like saying sorry a thousand times. It means nothing after a while. I always say best not to have the need to apologise in the first place,
And you haven’t even said you’re sorry my ovaries hurt today,
You pushed me away for months. Night night,
Seems you meet lots of women through work,
You keep saying that but I think you need keeping in line big time. Yep, And you know it makes sense because you love me,
You always bid me goodnight. I don’t do that. I say night night.
What are you doing today?, Was it more fun when I was with you,
Do you miss walking with me?,
Eating vegetarian got a bit irritating,
That meal was proper minging,
That Mousaka was gross, I don’t think you cooked a proper meal,
I'm off out now

[Inko51]

Hi Insom et al, I have included the behaviours I experienced as an added illustration. I have posted these examples previously too:

1)   Intense affection from the get go i.e. ‘How I was her soul mate’, ‘sent by the angels to her’, declaring ‘deep love’ and needed constant reassurance i.e. asked whether ‘we had bonded’ and wanted to get engaged by the eighth date and even told her two children to this effect.

2)   After extreme affection from Apr–Nov 2017, then extreme negativity, how I did not care, how I pushed her away, how I was too confident and all the things she seemed to like about me (humour etc) were now a source of annoyance.  Ended relationship suddenly with no immediate explanation. Resumed communication, then because I asked for some space due to her frequent negative texts about me, then said, ‘I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me everywhere’. 

3)   Contradictions. Said she wanted to get engaged at date eight, but then when suggested getting engaged after eight months, she said she would only get engaged if everything was right, so presumably everything was right after eight dates?

4)   Very negative about her ex-husband and how he does not support her with his/her two children. She would frequently be negative about him in front of their children and in front of me. I would often advise her to temper her notes to him so as not to alienate him. He left when the children were very young and remarried and has two children with his current wife (lives close by). She said he was not emotionally there for her.

5)   Married twice and seemed to have difficult relationship endings. Called or threatened the police on her ex partner, neighbours and contacted the police about me because I sent her some letters (letters were friendly and none threatening) because she blocked me everywhere else.

6)   Poor relationship with parents. Difficult relationship with her mother and father. Alleges her mother constantly criticises her parenting skills (said her mother says she does not do enough for her children!) and alleges her father struggles with both her and his wife’s ‘over parenting' approach. Both tend to do every practical task possible for the children (peel their fruit, clean their rooms and undertake every household task).  Her mother and father have a difficult relationship and were on the verge of splitting.

7)   Has two children (boy and girl). The boy has challenging behaviour and both seem very immature for their ages. Tends to do everything for them then complains how lazy they are.

8)   Always seems to loom from one crisis to the next and has a chaotic home life with few barriers in-situ. Acts immature and as a peer alongside her daughter. Engages in teen speak and always on Snapchat, FB, Whatsapp, Twitter etc (she is in her mid 40’s).

9)   Forever complaining about ailments: Sore legs, headaches, period pains and even criticised me for ‘not saying sorry that her ovaries were hurting’. Daughter also has a lot of ailments and health issues. This impacts on activities. Frequent trips to casualty and lots of conversation about health issues.

10)   Complained that I did not take enough interest in her children, but then appeared frosty when I suggested undertaking cycling or activities with her son that did not involve her. Very protective.

11)   Very focused on her appearance and did not appear to have any hobbies/interests. Talked about enhancement surgery.

12)   Liked to appear to be a victim of circumstances and frequently referred to how she did not like boys/men (during negative phase).

13)   Has a babyish type voice and appears to need rescuing from problems. Often complaining about how men have let her down. If offer advice/solutions pertaining to her problems or children then not taken well as then perceived as criticising her parenting skills. Yet also has a hard independent streak.

14)   Appears to get very upset about minor issues and holds onto comments and then later draws upon these as a sign of lack of caring.

15)   Sudden temper outbursts (no violence noted though).

16)   Intense texting all hours and into the early hours during idealisation. Delay of responses caused agitation and interpreted as not caring/lack of interest.

17)   Became jealous. We met at work and she started to question why I was supervising female staff so long and was upset if I did not acknowledge her at work. She did not seem to understand the need to maintain professional boundaries. Asked me if I ever met any single women at the gym or cycling and referred to how I seem to have met lots of women at work.

18)   Showed no interest in any of my interests or background career. Did not like me to have independent interests. Found hobbies irritating.

19)   Critical of my friends even those who she had never even met.

20)   Did not like me mentioning exe’s and criticised me for talking about them too much, even though she asked the questions. Could not understand why I maintained a friendly relationship with them. I was with my previous ex partner for 19-years and supported her son from the age of 11-30 years old and still maintain a relationship to this day. She did not like this.

21)   Controlling: Said I needed 'retraining' and 'bringing in line big time'.

22)   Destroys all material related to exe’s and did not have any photo’s of her ex-husband (children’s father) on show to my knowledge.

23)   Unable to apologise and take responsibility for events. Does not appear to be able to make the connection between cause and effect. When I said, we both had made mistakes with the relationship; she responded with, “I have not made any mistakes!”

24)   Very black and white thinking. Does not forgive easily and once an ex always an ex. Had very strong views on law and order/capital punishment and was keen to join a local anti-paedophile group.

25)   Had a lot of male friends on Facebook and did not want to link as friends and also blocked me on Facebook from even accessing her homepage.

26)   I never met any of her friends or family.

27)   After seven months she said the relationship was over simply because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook. Later cited that it was because I pushed her away and how she thought I did not even like her, or her children, or her pet.

28)   Very sensitive to criticism, but happily insulting to me. Said food I made was 'gross' and 'minging'. Yet became very upset because I said she looked tired in a photo she sent.

29)   Very sexual, alluring and willing to engage in unsafe sex (but then so was I). Was not averse to having another child with me initially.

30)   After initially breaking up with me continued to text and still needed validation i.e. asking if I thought she was 'very special' and whether 'I missed her'. The next minute hardly any responses and very negative texts about me. Ignored the prospect of ever meeting up and refused to take phone calls during the texting phase (throughout Jan 2018).

31)  Appears to have besmirched my character at work, although I cannot directly prove that. Just had no response from someone I worked closely with and she would relay her problems at work and get upset at work by her own admission.

32)   After saying I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me, did not appear to have any emotional attachment to me whatsoever, or appear perturbed by breaking up. Seemed to move on instantaneously and has never made contact whatsoever.

[Insom]

I can see how all this contradictory behavior must have felt confusing to you!  Would it be fair to say you're still trying to understand what happened?

[Inko51]

Yes Insom, I guess I have been trying to apply logic to understand what appeared to be illogical behaviour. Gaining understanding I thought would help me move on. The traits I saw also made me suspect someone with a possible BPD.

[Insom]

I guess I have been trying to apply logic to understand what appeared to be illogical behaviour. Gaining understanding I thought would help me move on.

This is a great insight.  These are emotional relationships that can feel hard to understand by applying logic alone. 

FWIW, my relationship with my ex helped me solve a deep emotional issue I was having with my immediate family.  At the same time it was an abusive relationship so that fact that I found it helpful is logic defying.  But there you have it.

Have you been able to think about what drew you into the relationship in the first place?  What made it appealing to you?

[Lucky Jim]

Have you been able to think about what drew you into the relationship in the first place?  What made it appealing to you?

Hey Inko51, Insom raises an excellent inquiry that is worth exploring, in my view.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other trauma from childhood.

I spent a lot of time ruminating, too.  Trying to apply logical analysis to a BPD r/s is likely to be fruitless, yet you can gain understanding by reading and posting here.

LJ

[Inko51]

Thanks Insom and Lucky Jim,

I think the draw was a number of factors. Initially I was physically attracted to her without a doubt and she pursued me.

In terms of what she offered that I felt was a draw. Well, I initially loved the fact that she seemed so into me. I think within my previous relationship prior to my current ex she became quite negative and was always airing on the side of gloom in the end. By contract my current ex appeared care free and uncomplicated and we had great fun. So fun was certainly missing in my life and the fact that she appeared to really desire me unconditionally was a massive factor. The sexual side was incredible, like no other.

I was also enchanted by her femininity. She had all the feminine attributes I love. She very much reminded me of Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched.

I hadn't accounted for her strength of character too. In spite of her initial Waif appearance she was quite assertive too. I liked that about her.

The fact that she offered me the prospect of a child was also hugely appealing as I thought I had missed that boat on that score. 

She also appeared hugely caring and this was also a draw. I based this not just on how she interacted with me, but also with others.

I felt at ease in her company and she seemed to love walking so that was also a plus. She also did not appear to have expensive tastes and was happy with simple pleasures.

I think I also felt proud to have such a pretty, feminine girlfriend who appeared to have a zest for life. I felt more free-spirited and less guarded when I was with her during the happy period.