I feel stupid and embarrassed that this has happened again.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I thought my ex was diagnosed with BPD because he told me he went to therapy doc said "attachment issues and problems with regulating emotions.  Now that we have been apart for about 6 months, I think he is a covert narcissist.

 This is pretty crappy for me because my ex husband was also one.  I feel stupid and embarrassed that this has happened again.  I  have realized I have only ever dated narcs.  This last one has been contacted by my local police station and told not to have any contact with me a and he continues to try and send me messages through my family members.  I am pretty sure the guys lied about therapy to make matters worse.
 
I hung in for an extra 5 months after our first break up thinking he was working on myself... .found out he was actually just keeping me strung along because he hadn't found any one else to stroke his fragile ego.

[Teedot]

I thought my ex was diagnosed with BPD because he told me he went to therapy doc said "attachment issues and problems with regulating emotions.  Now that we have been apart for about 6 months, I think he is a covert narcissist.

 This is pretty crappy for me because my ex husband was also one.  I feel stupid and embarrassed that this has happened again.  I  have realized I have only ever dated narcs.  This last one has been contacted by my local police station and told not to have any contact with me a and he continues to try and send me messages through my family members.  I am pretty sure the guys lied about therapy to make matters worse.
 
I hung in for an extra 5 months after our first break up thinking he was working on myself... .found out he was actually just keeping me strung along because he hadn't found any one else to stroke his fragile ego.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Teedot,

I'm sorry to hear you've had this revelation and are feeling this way.  I can relate.  It took me ten years(!) to break free of a covert narcissist and finally realise what I had been dealing with.  Talk about slow on the uptake.  Try to go easy on yourself.  There's learning in everything and whilst this is unpleasant for you, it's worth exploring what your new knowledge means for you.  Perhaps this can open doors to a different type of r/s future in time.  Discomfort is there to tell us something. 

After the police contacted him, have you informed them of the continued efforts to reach out to you via others?  How do you feel when you receive news of his doing so?  I'm wondering if you've considered taking next steps.

Love and light x

[Teedot]

Thank you HQ. I'm exhausted.  12 years with my first and almost 3 with this last nut job.  I have told my family to block him.  To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid to officially charge him, which i know the police officer will do if i tell him about the charming through my family... the officer told me since he's in the military, his job will be in jeopardy and I'm afraid if this charge affects his job, he will get even nastier :/

[Mutt]

How do you that the police officer is going to charge him, were you talking to the officer? Did you raise your concerns with the officer? Don't be hard on yourself Teedot sometimes we have to go through the lesson a multitude of times to learn everything about that lesson. Some people stumble through life making the same errors, you're aware of it now, you have an opportunity to change things.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Teedot, I agree w/Mutt: Don't beat yourself up.  Hey, we're all human and make mistakes, sometimes many times.  Your awareness, as Mutt suggests, gives you the ability to make a change going forward.

LJ

[Teedot]

How do you that the police officer is going to charge him, were you talking to the officer? Did you raise your concerns with the officer? Don't be hard on yourself Teedot sometimes we have to go through the lesson a multitude of times to learn everything about that lesson. Some people stumble through life making the same errors, you're aware of it now, you have an opportunity to change things.

The officer told me if he didn't leave me alone, he would be charged with Criminal Harassment.  I am in Canada, we don't do restraining orders, the cops charge him themselves and that is that.  The officer told me his career will be jeopardized immensely. I guess my ex feels that since he is not contacting me directly, he is safe.  He is telling my family members how awful I am, and then asking them to pass along messages of love and that he misses me (puke).  I have told my family members to block him on all avenues.  At this point, I am hoping he will go away.  But it scares me that someone is that obsessed with making contact with me after I told him i am finished with him.  I am sad that I loved this "man" like he did.  I feel sick when i think about all the things he has done and it's hard not to think about the things has done that I do not even know about :/

[Harley Quinn]

I'm afraid if this charge affects his job, he will get even nastier

But it scares me that someone is that obsessed with making contact with me after I told him i am finished with him.

Teedot, based on your experience, how far does his nastiness go?  What he is doing is harassing you and if he continues then your first concern needs to be yourself.  It sounds like this is affecting you a great deal and I can empathise.
 I have a restraining order against a former partner who harassed me and I can still remember the level of anxiety I felt, which was hard for others to understand.  It was like I couldn't breathe.  Do you have any indication that he could become aggressive or even violent? 

This continued behaviour of his after a police warning is concerning.  We have a link here to the MOSAIC threat assessment tool which would allow you to assess any risk.  I'd encourage you to take a look at this and establish a score for your own peace of mind.  It may help you relax or it may cause you to consider following up with the police. 

In my view, if he continues to violate your wishes to be left alone now that your family have him blocked, then he needs to experience consequences for his actions.  I'd reassure myself by remembering this may save someone else from the same experience in the future.

Please keep us updated and let us know how things are going. 

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

Hi Teedot,

I would like to stress what Harley Quinn said about looking after yourself, take really good care of yourself. It’s his choice if chooses to risk just job, I’d suggest to not worry about him he’s an adult and can take care of himself, if he pushes it he’ll have to face the consequences in court. It sounds like he’s been warned...  I think that you made a good choice of getting him blocked on all fronts.

As far as feeling bad, you’re going to have a lot of different feelings, highs and lows, my advice is talk about it like you are now, use the boards to process the anger and grief.

[Teedot]

Thank you for your advice.  The last couple of days have been better.  He has not made any contact with family or friends that I'm aware of and I've been getting back to doing things that i like... .listening to the music i love and little things like eating what I want etc.

  I almost feel that I'm putting out a healthy vibration and a happy vibration into the world.  I do believe when this happens toxic ppl will move on to another target.

 I have decided if he does not stop, he will be charged accordingly and he will have to deal with the consequences.  My consequence will be peace and the never ending drive i have to better myself, no matter how many times these soul suckers try to knock me down...

[Mutt]

I've been getting back to doing things that i like... .listening to the music i love and little things like eating what I want etc.

That’s good news, do what you like and do it often take really good care of yourself