sibbling conflict with a borderline

[ellehcar]

we have just recently accepted but have none for a number of years that our 27 year old daughter might be a BPD.  These past couple of years she has gotten more and more difficult and has caused many family conflicts with her actions.  We have 5 children and she is the youngest plus we are a blended family.  Her siblings used to accept her selfishness behavior as immature, but it has finally come to a head and my two oldest (Mine from a previous marriage) aren't taking her behaviors anymore.  We have started therapy and are at the beginning of our setting boundaries and our oldest daughter has been very vocal about the unfairness of how she is being parented as to how the other siblings were parented.  She doen't understand why we don't put our foot down and MAKE our BPD daughter get counseling.  I have tried to explain to them that their sister we believe has BPD, but they aren't excepting it.  Our BPD daughter won't seek help and she has all the qualifications of BPD so my husband and myself know that we don't need her to be diagnosed.  We have started reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and it is helping so we are going by what the book says.  I have asked my daughter to read the book but she feels that we are giving into our BPD daughter and not making her take responsibilities and we are trying to set boundaries. Does anyone else have any of the same situations as to how we can help our non bp family members understand what we are going through. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi ellehcar,

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, I'm sorry o hear that. It has to be difficult to mediate ( not literally ) between the kids and having a blended family presents some unique challenges.

She doen't understand why we don't put our foot down and MAKE our BPD daughter get counseling.

I have tried to explain to them that their sister we believe has BPD, but they aren't excepting it.

I used to think that way for many years wanting the other person to change, I had to accept things as they are and not for how I wish things to be when you change, everything changes because you're approaching things differently and the reaction you get from others will be different based upon how you act. I could be wrong here but it sounds like she wants you to do something about it.

Probably one of the most useful things that I learned here for pwBPD that I use with non's a well is to not JADE. Don't Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain. What do you think about not explaining BPD to other kids and letting them come to their own terms?

[Feeling Better]

Hello ellehcar,

I would like to join Mutt in welcoming you here, I understand how difficult it can be trying to ‘keep the peace’. Sometimes we can try too hard, I know I used to but I have had to learn to stand back and let my adult kids sort themselves out.

One of my daughters always used to moan about her uBPD brother, she didn’t like to see the way that he treated us. He had total disregard for us or our feelings and no respect whatsoever. I think it used to hurt her to witness his behaviour, whilst we were too scared to confront him about it, we were always walking on those eggshells around him.

I was told by a relationship counsellor, who my son and myself were seeing, that she thought he may have BPD. I told this to the other members of my family, and suggested they read up on it if they felt like doing so. I don’t know whether any of them have researched BPD, my guess is that they haven’t because none of them has said anything to me about it. I personally don’t think that you can get your non BPD family members to understand what you are going through if they are not accepting what you have told them. They may change their opinions in time and then become more open to your suggestions but at the moment I think you will just have to accept what is.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing by reading about and working on setting boundaries.

It sounds like you are caught in the middle between your daughters, not a good place to be, I can testify to that. Maybe you might be interested in reading up about drama triangles and how to avoid them, you might find it useful. Here is the link for you:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle