Have I missed anything? Now giving up the chase - I'm tired of the pain

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 Since coming to this site it has served to illustrate many things, notably the collective pain we all feel from a relationship demise, but also that we are searching to make sense of what has happened to us in our never ending quest for answers by accessing a fellow wisdom bank.

With this in mind I have started this thread because I am now tired of searching and longing. It’s baffling the way our pain keeps us attached to someone, who for all intents and purposes, does not want us. It’s painful to realise that fact, but from a personal perspective, I want to garner the collective wisdom once again to see if there is anything I have missed out which could have improved on my overall situation. Truth be told I see this post as a check out list really as I feel it is too late for me now with my ex.

I feel I have given it my all and in a sense now seek permission from myself to let go and cease this reflective torture as painful as that prospect is, but at least by ‘letting go’ I want to do so safe in the knowledge I did all I could to retrieve losing the love of my life. Even writing ‘letting go’ sends painful judders. But I am where I am and that is the reality even though I did not choose this outcome. I don’t even really know why and what changed between us so suddenly?

I have recorded many posts on this site with my back story, so I will just recount the relevant bits here, but only to illustrate the actions I have taken thus far. If you have read my back story already then you can probably skip most of the next page. But I really would appreciate any feedback if someone has any good suggestions as to what I could have done differently, or if I have omitted something obvious which I could have done to improve matters.

I basically adopted strategies thinking it would keep us together, but sadly this has proven to not be the case. As she merrily gets on with her life, I feel by contrast I have been subjected to a bewildering emotional atomic bomb and am now left scrabbling through the rubble of my relationship and defining character.

From herein I will still contribute to other peoples’ threads, but will unlikely start another of my own as I very much see this particular thread as a ‘letting go’ scenario. So here goes:

Back Story:
We met at work and I experienced the love bombing people speak of. She was caring, warm, thoughtful, affectionate, tall, elegant, sexy, fun and generally had an aura which drew you towards her. She was in her mid 40’s and had two children. Her ex-husband had since remarried and had children to his new wife and lived close by. Their relationship was acrimonious.

It started out with her coming to stay with me at weekends minus the children as she did not want to include them straight away, which I could fully understand and respect.

We went on lovely walks, trips out and life was perfect between the periods April-November 2017. Her texting was voracious, but always saying lovely things and expressing deep love and affection. She was keen to get engaged after eight dates and we even talked about having a child together.

I declared my relationship at work to my peers/CEO as I was a manager so this only seemed right to do so, but I suppose I also tried to over compensate by avoiding her to some degree at work, which annoyed her. It was not an ideal scenario in this sense, so I did feel it would be better if I left the organisation long-term if the relationship was to be serious. She had been there a while and also had two children to consider, so it made more sense for me to move on.

Meeting her children was probably my first red flag. There was some challenging behaviour to contend with, particularly from her son.  She forever complained about their laziness, but yet did everything for them to the zenith degree, so did not appear to make the connection that her behaviour towards them clearly affected their behaviour. Her son was very demanding of attention. Nonetheless I was not deterred and felt by having security and some boundaries in place we could all have a positive future together.

Anyway, the problems began when I decided to draw a picture of her and her children in Nov 2017 as a surprise Christmas present. Although not linked on Facebook, I was able to access her homepage and used her cover photo as the reference source and made a start. A few days later when I tried to continue I was blocked. I rang her and she admitted blocking me as she said I had upset her for some reason, but she would now unblock me. A week passed and I tried again. Still blocked! This time when I phoned she was in a middle of a crisis with her daughter and was waiting for the doctor. I said ‘well don’t worry concentrate on that as that’s clearly more important’. She was very angry and said, “I am sick of this, it’s over between us!” Initially I attributed this to stress, but she followed this up further with a couple of texts. The first of which said, “It really is over and ‘we’ don’t want your Christmas presents either.”  I said, “Well, just let me know how your daughter is!” She responded with, “I’ll let her father know!” I thought it was interesting she used the word “We” as this illustrated in my mind her collusion with her children. I thought her comments were unnecessarily hurtful.

A couple of days later at work I spoke to her and said, “Can we not resolve this?” But she was adamant it was over. So I had no option but to back off.

At the CEO leaving event (last time I would see my ex at work as I was leaving the following day myself and she did not work on my last day), I left the party and said goodbye and wished her and her colleagues a good Christmas collectively. She then followed me down the steps and said, “Is that all you’re going to say?”, so I added, “Well, I hope it all goes well for you!” She then started texting not long after, ‘how weird it would be with me not there’.

The following day, she turned up for my leaving event at lunchtime with her two children on her day off and we arranged to walk the following day (23 Dec 2017). On the walk she was distant and cold and again reiterated she did not want any Xmas presents or contact with me on Xmas day as she wanted nothing heavy and to purely concentrate on her kids. I respected that.

When I left the organisation I sent a farewell note and by this time most people knew we had been in relationship so I thanked everyone for my presents and said,  ‘I may have found my future partner in the organisation so I had a lot to be thankful for’. She was not aware I had sent this note so when she went back to work she fielded lots of questions (I had left), so she was fuming. She later text me, “Never speak to me again forever”. I explained why I had sent the message because she felt I had denied her at work, but no longer needed to anymore, so she started texting me again. In fairness I could understand her being annoyed and on reflection I should have not placed her in this position, but my action was not borne from any malice.

Throughout the end of Dec 2017 and all of Jan 2018 we text each other daily. One minute her texts were friendly, the next she was hypercritical of me. During this time she refused to accept phone calls and any requests to meet up were ignored. It was a draining period trying to work out what was going on. One minute she would be asking me, ‘if she was special to me’ and ‘did I miss walking with her’, then next she was saying, ‘I need to think about things’ and then say, ‘we are not getting back together’ . She would then refer to how I had pushed her away from the start and how I had not made her feel special. Then she would revert back to positive messages again. It was very much like, ‘loves me, loves me not’. Some texts had kisses, others were short, cold and infrequent.

Early Feb 2018 she sent me a flurry of negative texts, how my meals were ‘minging’ that I made and how ‘gross’ they were, also how me being a vegetarian was irritating, although unsure why as I never expected her to be. She then said she was off out and sort of inferred she was meeting someone. This resulted in me sending an email saying, ‘I was extricating myself and perhaps we needed some space’. In my mind I was thinking temporary as I was trying to organise another job and was tired of the energy the constant texting and post analysis was taking. But it probably was a bit clumsy if I’m honest. She responded with, “You will never hear from me again and I am now blocking you.”

[Inko51]

 Since coming to this site it has served to illustrate many things, notably the collective pain we all feel from a relationship demise, but also that we are searching to make sense of what has happened to us in our never ending quest for answers by accessing a fellow wisdom bank.

With this in mind I have started this thread because I am now tired of searching and longing. It’s baffling the way our pain keeps us attached to someone, who for all intents and purposes, does not want us. It’s painful to realise that fact, but from a personal perspective, I want to garner the collective wisdom once again to see if there is anything I have missed out which could have improved on my overall situation. Truth be told I see this post as a check out list really as I feel it is too late for me now with my ex.

I feel I have given it my all and in a sense now seek permission from myself to let go and cease this reflective torture as painful as that prospect is, but at least by ‘letting go’ I want to do so safe in the knowledge I did all I could to retrieve losing the love of my life. Even writing ‘letting go’ sends painful judders. But I am where I am and that is the reality even though I did not choose this outcome. I don’t even really know why and what changed between us so suddenly?

I have recorded many posts on this site with my back story, so I will just recount the relevant bits here, but only to illustrate the actions I have taken thus far. If you have read my back story already then you can probably skip most of the next page. But I really would appreciate any feedback if someone has any good suggestions as to what I could have done differently, or if I have omitted something obvious which I could have done to improve matters.

I basically adopted strategies thinking it would keep us together, but sadly this has proven to not be the case. As she merrily gets on with her life, I feel by contrast I have been subjected to a bewildering emotional atomic bomb and am now left scrabbling through the rubble of my relationship and defining character.

From herein I will still contribute to other peoples’ threads, but will unlikely start another of my own as I very much see this particular thread as a ‘letting go’ scenario. So here goes:

Back Story:
We met at work and I experienced the love bombing people speak of. She was caring, warm, thoughtful, affectionate, tall, elegant, sexy, fun and generally had an aura which drew you towards her. She was in her mid 40’s and had two children. Her ex-husband had since remarried and had children to his new wife and lived close by. Their relationship was acrimonious.

It started out with her coming to stay with me at weekends minus the children as she did not want to include them straight away, which I could fully understand and respect.

We went on lovely walks, trips out and life was perfect between the periods April-November 2017. Her texting was voracious, but always saying lovely things and expressing deep love and affection. She was keen to get engaged after eight dates and we even talked about having a child together.

I declared my relationship at work to my peers/CEO as I was a manager so this only seemed right to do so, but I suppose I also tried to over compensate by avoiding her to some degree at work, which annoyed her. It was not an ideal scenario in this sense, so I did feel it would be better if I left the organisation long-term if the relationship was to be serious. She had been there a while and also had two children to consider, so it made more sense for me to move on.

Meeting her children was probably my first red flag. There was some challenging behaviour to contend with, particularly from her son.  She forever complained about their laziness, but yet did everything for them to the zenith degree, so did not appear to make the connection that her behaviour towards them clearly affected their behaviour. Her son was very demanding of attention. Nonetheless I was not deterred and felt by having security and some boundaries in place we could all have a positive future together.

Anyway, the problems began when I decided to draw a picture of her and her children in Nov 2017 as a surprise Christmas present. Although not linked on Facebook, I was able to access her homepage and used her cover photo as the reference source and made a start. A few days later when I tried to continue I was blocked. I rang her and she admitted blocking me as she said I had upset her for some reason, but she would now unblock me. A week passed and I tried again. Still blocked! This time when I phoned she was in a middle of a crisis with her daughter and was waiting for the doctor. I said ‘well don’t worry concentrate on that as that’s clearly more important’. She was very angry and said, “I am sick of this, it’s over between us!” Initially I attributed this to stress, but she followed this up further with a couple of texts. The first of which said, “It really is over and ‘we’ don’t want your Christmas presents either.”  I said, “Well, just let me know how your daughter is!” She responded with, “I’ll let her father know!” I thought it was interesting she used the word “We” as this illustrated in my mind her collusion with her children. I thought her comments were unnecessarily hurtful.

A couple of days later at work I spoke to her and said, “Can we not resolve this?” But she was adamant it was over. So I had no option but to back off.

At the CEO leaving event (last time I would see my ex at work as I was leaving the following day myself and she did not work on my last day), I left the party and said goodbye and wished her and her colleagues a good Christmas collectively. She then followed me down the steps and said, “Is that all you’re going to say?”, so I added, “Well, I hope it all goes well for you!” She then started texting not long after, ‘how weird it would be with me not there’.

The following day, she turned up for my leaving event at lunchtime with her two children on her day off and we arranged to walk the following day (23 Dec 2017). On the walk she was distant and cold and again reiterated she did not want any Xmas presents or contact with me on Xmas day as she wanted nothing heavy and to purely concentrate on her kids. I respected that.

When I left the organisation I sent a farewell note and by this time most people knew we had been in relationship so I thanked everyone for my presents and said,  ‘I may have found my future partner in the organisation so I had a lot to be thankful for’. She was not aware I had sent this note so when she went back to work she fielded lots of questions (I had left), so she was fuming. She later text me, “Never speak to me again forever”. I explained why I had sent the message because she felt I had denied her at work, but no longer needed to anymore, so she started texting me again. In fairness I could understand her being annoyed and on reflection I should have not placed her in this position, but my action was not borne from any malice.

Throughout the end of Dec 2017 and all of Jan 2018 we text each other daily. One minute her texts were friendly, the next she was hypercritical of me. During this time she refused to accept phone calls and any requests to meet up were ignored. It was a draining period trying to work out what was going on. One minute she would be asking me, ‘if she was special to me’ and ‘did I miss walking with her’, then next she was saying, ‘I need to think about things’ and then say, ‘we are not getting back together’ . She would then refer to how I had pushed her away from the start and how I had not made her feel special. Then she would revert back to positive messages again. It was very much like, ‘loves me, loves me not’. Some texts had kisses, others were short, cold and infrequent.

Early Feb 2018 she sent me a flurry of negative texts, how my meals were ‘minging’ that I made and how ‘gross’ they were, also how me being a vegetarian was irritating, although unsure why as I never expected her to be. She then said she was off out and sort of inferred she was meeting someone. This resulted in me sending an email saying, ‘I was extricating myself and perhaps we needed some space’. In my mind I was thinking temporary as I was trying to organise another job and was tired of the energy the constant texting and post analysis was taking. But it probably was a bit clumsy if I’m honest. She responded with, “You will never hear from me again and I am now blocking you.”

[Inko51]

The Honeymoon Phase (April – Nov 2017)
The following are the actions I took at each stage, which are the bits I would really appreciate any feedback on and whether they resonate with others.

It’s fair to say I was slightly more reserved with my feelings during the love bombing phase, but I did love her and told her to this effect. I also hope I did demonstrate this through my actions too and trying to help her at times. For instance, I told her to temper her notes to her ex-husband to avoid creating unnecessary ill feeling. However, if I tried to make suggestions when she complained about her children she did not like this. We also told one another our innermost secrets.

I did find her children difficult if I’m honest, but this was due to the dynamic. For starters she had a difficult relationship with their father and he was still actively involved, so it was trying to work out how I fitted into this situation. If I suggested me spending time doing activities with her son she seemed to be resistant to this.

Although she did follow some of my suggestions, I was placed in a double bind. For instance if I did not show interest it was interpreted as not caring and if I made suggestions this was interpreted as being critical of her parenting skills and not liking her children. Some of the behaviours I observed would have been problematic for anyone. That said, with a considered approach and patience, I felt it could still work for all. Her house was very small so I would have been prepared to obtain a bigger property as I think the restricted confines and limited space added to the tension.

When we were together it was magical (well appeared so from my perspective). I really thought it could work between us.

My preference would have been for her to enact some strategies herself and I would have then supported her to create unity, rather than by contrast enact them when we actually lived together otherwise her children would have perceived they were of my making and possibly be ultra resistant to this.

One of the other problems was she flitted from being a parent to a peer, so I suspect any changes she implemented, she would have said these were my suggestions rather than hers  so as not to be unliked by her children. They were happy with the status quo being maintained of her doing everything for them. But if she created expectations on them they would threaten her with how they wanted to live with their father. This really got to her and possibly tapped into her existing insecurities. She made me aware she often received criticism from her mother about her parenting; surprisingly her mother felt she should do even more for her children? Couldn’t think how!

Truth is I felt I had a lot to offer her children. I am a wildlife photographer and wildlife artist and have an interest in most sports. I have one stepson who I maintain contact with, so I was more than happy to embrace the full unit, but with some caveats in place for it to work. I would not want to be undermined by both her and her children. I am pretty laid back, so I wasn’t expecting huge changes just occasional help and consideration of others.

In my mind it was important for us to be clear with each other first to present a united front to her children. I am not suggesting I was right or had all the answers, but if I was to be involved I at least wanted to have my say too and bring another perspective to the table so to speak.

During this time I probably said a few things which annoyed her from time-to-time. She later said I spoke about my exes too much, but she was the one who asked the questions. She did not appear to trust my motives either which was a shame.

The First Breakup (Nov 2017)
When she dumped me out of the blue over my request to be unblocked on Facebook, I tried to reason with her and initially attributed her actions to stress. She was adamant it was over so I backed off initially until she chased me at the work party.

During the last time we saw each other (Dec 2017) I tried to reach out to her but she was cold and distant and pulled away.

We did text one another during this time and I was friendly and made my intentions clear that I thought she was special and wanted it to work between us and was more than happy to embrace the whole unit. I forever explained this via text/email (the only mediums she would respond to).

The Second Breakup (Dec 2017)
I apologised for the email I sent at work and explained my rationale that I no longer had to deny her. Once I had done this she started texting again.

I also explained I was not adverse to marriage, but she declined this option now. She would hint about us i.e. ‘asking me to not talk about her in the past tense’ and asking me ‘if I was seeing someone else’, then stipulating, ‘nor was she’ and ‘it just wouldn’t be us’. I sent long emails trying to explain how we could improve things and suggested meeting and ringing, but again she avoided this increased level of contact. I said repeatedly I was only interested in her and not other people. My text ratio was far greater than hers too.

I also suggested days out to integrate as a family and just for us to chill out. I felt having fun days out would help us all bond and give opportunities for new experiences further afield. Again this did not happen.

The Final Breakup (Feb 2018)
When I sent an email requesting some space, it probably did sound like I was meaning it longer-term, but it was certainly not my intention. This resulted in her stating, ‘I would never hear from her again’ and ‘she would now be blocking me’.

That same day I drove to her house at night (she often said I was not spontaneous enough and often referred to the man who leaves chocolates like in the adverts), so I guess I did a take on this. I hand delivered a letter and her favourite chocolate bar. The letter was jokey and a bit sarcastic in a fun way saying things like, “Don’t be so melodramatic and eat chocolate instead” - that sort of thing.

I pondered over it that night and thought, well, if she is angry, she may not appreciate the humour, so I sent a further letter just explaining how my email was not meant to drive her away and I only wanted some space to clear my head and concentrate on a new job. Again no response!

I left it a couple of weeks and sent a further letter (as I was blocked) addressing all the concerns she had raised in her texts and how these could be addressed with proposed actions. I also explained what she meant to me. Again no response!

I then had to recognise that she really did not want to engage. When she text me in Dec 2017 saying ‘Do not contact me again forever’, she then re-communicated once I explained things, so I hoped this would be the same this time round. But alas it wasn’t.

I was clearing things and found a card I never sent her at Xmas with a drawing of her dog. I was going to throw it away, but I didn’t have the heart to, so I wrote one final time (including the card) in early March 2018 and said, “I accept it’s over and you clearly don’t want to engage, which I will now have to respect, but if you ever change your mind you know where I am, so I will wish you and your family well for the future and please find a nice dog drawing of the rival for my affections Grrr , but will refrain from writing further as that only seems fair and proper.” I also included some useful info I had found about pain control related to a medical condition she had.

A couple of days later I had a phone call from the police saying she had contacted them and said she did not want any further letters and wanted a clean break. The police said it was an informal call, but their advice was not to write to her further otherwise it could enter legal terrain. I had no intention of doing so anyway as per my final letter. I was aware she had contacted the police about her previous ex and her neighbour.

At the end of March 2018 I phoned my previous employer to discuss a publicity event and my ex answered the phone. I just asked to be put through to the relevant person but she was not there so my ex gave me her email. Her tone was cool. We did not have any discussion beyond this. The person in question did not get back to me when I emailed her and sadly we got on well together when we worked together, so I suspect my ex may well have besmirched my character, but I have no direct evidence to prove this beyond this example.

Other Actions:
In addition to the above, I have purchased numerous breakup coaching materials and have been advised to adopt all sorts of varying strategies, paid for direct counselling and coaching to see if there was anything I needed to improve about myself that I was not aware of. I have also read numerous materials too (hard copy books and via the Internet). I have consulted friends and ex partners for their take too on my character. I am more than happy to improve areas which are lacking that I may well have missed which contributed.

I am not perfect, who is? But I’d like to consider myself a decent human being with sound ethics and a spirit of adventure. I don’t take myself too seriously, have a sense of humour and am always looking to improve. I engage in exciting hobbies and have lots of interests. So I find it incredibly sad that I have been dumped in the way I have.  I still have excellent relations with my ex wife and ex long-term partner.

I basically now feel I have exhausted all avenues. I am concerned that should I even try to reach out I could just end up with legal issues, which would have a massive detrimental impact on my professional career and my life. I have not received any contact or glimmers of hope from my ex. I don’t bear her any malice and would not want her to be unhappy, in spite of my feeling that she has not treated me kindly. I do want to keep the moral high ground.

Funnily enough I still feel protective about her as she was an important person in my life. That is why I feel so sad she has felt the necessity to block me completely from her life as a sort of unnecessary punishment.

Final Reflection:
I did start to feel I was a terrible partner and I have apologised for so much, but somehow I have not considered her behaviour and when I said we had both made mistakes, she retorted, “Well I have not made any mistakes!”

Perhaps I could have handled the children situation a bit better and just listened to her rather than do the ‘atypical male’ thing of offering solutions, but I was also trying to find my feet and work out the dynamics involved. I was not living in the same place she was, so I felt it important to get it right.

Maybe I could have made better attempts at making her feel more secure. Our homes are very different as are the dynamics. During the latter stages she said my hobbies annoyed her, but my interests are important to me and I also think they send out a good positive message to her kids too. I wanted to be a good role model. She did not have any hobbies by contrast.

I wish I had not sent the email about space as this resulted in the ultimate breakup, but I did try to rectify it immediately with my actions and all the letters I sent were reasoned, considered and always friendly explaining her importance in my life as well as being non-threatening.

Maybe writing to her was a mistake (well if it resulted in the police involvement it definitely was!) and maybe I tried too hard. My rationale was that going NC would just reinforce her view ‘I did not care’, so given she perceived I did not care enough about her and ‘pushed her away from the start’ (well she expressed this at least), I felt writing would have the effect of remedying this.

At the end of the day I would always prefer to talk to her direct to try and resolve matters, whereas for her she has not appeared to reflect on any of her actions. She is not forgiving of other peoples’ mistakes.  Nor has she wanted to talk to me direct from December to now.

In my opinion if you love someone you would not ignore them for any significant length of time. I just could not ignore her the way she has me, but then no doubt this is because I love her, but she clearly does not feel the same way. I suppose her initial intense love interest lulled me into this position of false security.

So that’s my story in full. I miss her and there’s no escaping that, but I am open and welcome to any thoughts and suggestions if there are any omissions, particularly if they could help me become a better person and potential future partner. Apologies for the length, but I just wanted to make sure I captured the whole picture.

I feel I can then move on having considered every conceivable angle and permutation knowing I have given it my all. I don’t ever expect I will hear from her again as my letters probably put her in the ascendancy. But that is her decision.

I feel I now want to rebuild my life and stop pouring energy into someone who doesn’t care a jot about me. I am also tired of feeling sad and still ruminating that I could do something to improve matters.

[Cromwell]

Seems you had a honeymoon period for quite a long time, April to November until things started to change. But all I can say is you then went NC and it triggered her abandonment issue, which resulted in her over-reaction to the police, if you have read many of the accounts here, this is quite a familiar thing to happen.

I dont feel you should be criticising yourself or over thinking what you may or may not have done wrong in the R/S, in most cases you cant win and anything you do is wrong. So the fact things went really well before the cracks started to appear, I think you should feel very proud about, this is one of the most if not the most type of R/S to handle. I am glad that you say you just want to move on in life and just have some residual disappointment, which is entirely understandable. Time will heal, however, dont think that just because you have been blocked at the moment that there is no chance of a recycle. before the start of my 3 year r/s I was friends with my ex for about 3 months, then she disappeared without a trace for 6 months but contacted me again out of the blue on a new number. They can and do re-surface when they feel they might need you again and seem to have very little shame about doing so for some reason.

[Inko51]

Hi Cromwell, well she dumped me first out of the blue, which then triggered events I guess and it was only after six weeks of texting, where I felt she was toying with me, that I then became eventually frustrated and then on one particular day after she once again sent a number of negative texts that I responded with suggesting space, so this undoubtedly probably did trigger her abandonment fears. However I tried to rectify it immediately but to no avail.

I can't help feeling if I had walked away and not written to her, then her interest levels may have returned. I think me writing to her just elevated her position whilst devaluing mine even more, but I cannot undo that now unfortunately and take comfort in your thoughts that I couldn't have probably done much to improve matters anyway. But the thing is in my opinion if you love someone then you don't tend to ignore someone indefinitely and block all possible routes of communication, nor do you ring the police in my view, but then here I am trying to apply logic to illogical again! It's just too dangerous to reconnect with her! I would not want to feel like this again anyway as it's awful as you undoubtedly know only too well yourself. I fear even now that if I tried to reach out to her she would gleefully contact the police and destroy my life.

I just don't get the vibe she will ever pop up, but then based on many peoples' experiences here maybe that could happen. But I think the line has been crossed for me now and I would not return to this relationship even if I wanted to. I see no future in it and I don't feel my treatment was justified, although I also appreciate she may have issues going on for her which resulted in her actions. But I just don't want to take such chances again. I still feel cut up about it, but I am determined not to pine for someone who does not want me and instead put energies into someone who does. I am not ready for another relationship at present, so will concentrate on creativity, hobbies and my career, but in time who knows.