Another detaching step...moving to new space

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone,

I’m so thankful to have this forum.  It’s helpful to get support and also to give support.  It also has been helping to keep me grounded.

While my STBXH (UBPD) is out of town, I am at our home and this mornings by movers are coming to move my furniture. 

This has been heart wrenching, yet in some ways cathartic.  While packing up, I have remembered, smiled, cried (loudly) and now feeling pretty even this morning.

I normally put a lot of pressure and expect myself to soldier on.  Acknowledging my feelings and thinking about what I need is not my habit, yet.  I’m working on that.  That said, I am realizing that moving 25 years worth of stuff in three days is not a great idea.  I will need more time later.  I’ve been letting my husband set the timeline.  While I look around and realize that he has done nothing in the way of preparing the house for sale.  I need to take time to set realistic expectations for myself as the moving is concerned.


I’ve been working through difficult feelings.  Sometimes thinking to see a therapist, I haven’t been in therapy for almost a year.  While therapy was very helpful for me, I just don’t think it’s what I need now.  What I really have to do is the hard work of sorting through emotions and beginning to heal from traumatic and painful experiences.


Movers on the way... .how have any of you who are on your own set a timeline for getting past these torn up feelings?  How long does it take?

Blessings and peace,  Mustbe

[hope2727]

Wow you are really entering into a new phase and as I like to think of it adventure. Congratulations. A new space will be a big step toward a new life. I think that touching base with your therapist even for a quick "tune up" isn't a bad idea. It may help you organize and clarify some of your thoughts and feelings during this next transition. I know that occasional appointments with my therapist help me stay on track when I am feeling overwhelmed.

As for 25 years of stuff I totally get how hard it is to sort and purge. It can feel overwhelming. I am currently doing my 2nd life purge. I did one after a divorce about 15 years ago. I left my farm and a lifetime of horses and country life to return to university. Nothing like a one day farm sale and watching your life's work sold at 10 cents on the dollar to make you reevaluate the value of your time and money. My motto after that sale became "what will I charge for this in my yard sale?" before I bought anything from that day forward. This time I am purging 2 degrees worth of notes and textbooks as well as almost a decade worth of living in my current house after a VERY sudden sale. My current motto is "do I REALLY need this?" I am trying to minimalize everything from clothes to kitchen wares in this move. I am also as yet unable to find a new home so I am considering renting a tiny space for a year while I do my internship next year and therefore taking basically nothing with me. So my advice on sorting is this. If you haven't used it chuck it. If you can live without it do it. If you absolutely love it take it. The rest is just stuff.

As for the time it takes to get past the feelings? It just takes as long as it takes. I find that allowing myself to really experience each feeling it tends to heal faster. That which we resist persists so to speak. So its ok to have torn up feelings. I wouldn't expect anything less. You are grieving the loss a relationship, life style, home, and dream of a future. That is a lot to grieve all at once. Maybe keep a journal and read back over it later. I kept one when leaving my farm and reading it now is a really powerful experience. It helps me to see how devastated I really was. If I can survive that I can survive anything. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi hope2727,  thanks for the support! Thanks for sharing about your transition from horses and country life.  I can’t begin to imagine how devastating that must have been to sell your things for so little of a return.  You obviously have a great deal of strength.  I have kept a journal off and on.  Though, I haven’t been consistent with it.  Sometimes I look back at what I have written and think wow that really did happen.  I didn’t just imagine it. 

lIt’s been difficult to find a good fit for a therapist. The first therapist I went to was able to be understanding but also to challenge me.  She has retired, unfortunately.   One therapist was too calm and detached.  My daughter went with me once and she told the therapist that she was worried that her dad would hurt me or that I would become ill from the stress and the therapist said something like, that must be scary for you.  That therapist was a good listener and I needed someone to vent to, but even I got sick of listening to myself.  The most recent therapist was sort of opposite.  She was kind of aggressive in her response and did not know much about BPD.  So, I’ve kind of given up on it.  How did you find a good fit? 


As to the sorting, thanks for the advice.  Minimalism sounds perfect.


You are right, I am grieving all of those things. 

An internship sounds exciting.  Good luck with that.

Blessings and Peace,  Mustbe   

[hope2727]

During my divorce I went to one therapist who I didn't click with. She was somehow very uncomfortable for me although my ex-husband continued to see her afterward. He claimed she was very helpful. So who knows. Personally I don't think she saw through his lies and secret double life and to be quite frank I felt very judged and attacked. Our second psychologist I liked and he didn't. She was very positive toward us and our relationship but called a spade a spade. She very much held us accountable for our own part of the situation. He stopped showing up for appointments but I stayed on with her until the divorce was finalized and I adjusted to my new life.

During the end of my relationship with my expwBPD we saw his therapist at first. HUGE conflict of interest. She was very enabling of his abuse and seemed to believe his lies and half truths. I found that very frustrating. He was finally placed in therapy with someone else against his wishes. I was so relieved as perhaps it would help to have a fresh set of eyes help him. I went on to try a total of 3 therapists over the next couple of years. The first was to far away to get to easily. The second was good but sometimes frustrating when he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about aka: gaslighting. He was helpful in many ways but finally I moved on when he said I was well enough to end therapy. I went for about a year without any therapy. Then I sought out a third psychologist and was with him for about a year. He was quite helpful. Although not as familiar with BPD he was really good with PTSD which was super helpful for me. I haven't seen him in awhile but feel comfortable going back when I need help thinking things through.

I found my therapist(s) by reading their profiles online. I looked for people with areas of interest that were relevant to my situation(s). In my divorce we went to initial appointments with a couple before we agreed one. In my more recent relationship breakdown I knew I wanted a male therapist to avoid "man bashing". I wanted my therapist to really see my situation from a male perspective. Both the last two were men and I learned a great deal from each of them. I also looked for some one with a strong science background in their education as that is congruent with how I see the world.

I suggest you read their websites. Ask around to others who have been in similar situations as your own. Write them an email briefly describing what you are looking for and ask some questions about their experience with BPD, PTSD, abuse, and what kinds of therapies they prefer to work with. Then do your own research on what kind of therapy you think would fit for you. I really like REBT and DBT. They just resonate well with me. So I looked for psychologists that used REBT and DBT informed therapies. I also looked for psychologists not counsellors or social worker. I also looked for people with high levels of education from schools I respected. I wasn't looking for someone with a 6 month online course. I was looking for someone with at least a masters degree from a top notch school. After that I decided based on meeting them and feeling comfortable.

I hope that helps you. Maybe contact your local domestic violence organization and get some referrals. They often have a list of well informed therapists. 

Keep writing and keep posting. Hugs. 

[Cromwell]

I tried to see a counsellor, but due to work commitments, it wasnt possible.

a combination of time, and the help on this forum helped me to get to a very strong place now and i dont feel the need for any therapy.

to answer your question its taken me about 8 months so far, and although theres a few small residual issues I have, it was about a month ago I started to feel like I overcame the worse of it, that is after a 3 year R/S.

part of my personality is not wanting to burden a therapist by what I would tell them, afraid they couldnt handle some of the transference, and not liking the idea that they might not sleep well the same night. At the same time, i felt undeserving of therapy, almost as if I was going to be doing something self indulgent. Understanding these relevations themselves, have more or less answered my own questions and ive started to get a clear picture with some heavy introspection about how I got in the situation as well as others in the past.

I went for therapy as a teenager and felt so unhappy after each meeting, I thought "arent these people paid to make me feel better, not worse". it was psychodynamic which also meant there was hardly any input at all, or assistance to give tools to help progress. I just ended up not going anymore, lay in bed and started at the ceiling looking for the imperfections (still one of my favourite hobbies btw) and given enough time, my own answers eventually came to me.

btw: my therapist told me I should become a therapist, as well as my BPDx, no thanks and it hurts a little that I now realise that part of being with her was due to being an emotional waste bucket for her, where she could off load, but then go and have fun, feeling refreshed, with other people. I really dont like that feeling of being used, when I thought I was just being naturally supportive to someone, like the saying goes "every good deed deserves punishment". ive came to realise that kindness gets converted into 'stupidity', and its hard not to get jaded about it all. Nice guys finish last and all that, yet the few times I did go out of my way to be assertive, that was converted into being a "bully" all of a sudden. Just cant win   

[Harley Quinn]

I'd say that the worst of the torn up feelings lasted around 3 months for me.  In part, I was forced to focus on other things that were really pressing in my life, namely a child custody battle which took up a lot of my emotional energy.  After 3 months it probably took me around 6 more to feel like I was coming out of the other side.  It's different for all of us, but I would suggest that around a year is a good mark to take stock and look back at how far you've come. 

No matter what stage you are in, everything you do to focus on your well being and to allow yourself to process the feelings will be a step forwards that adds up.  It may feel like slow progress at times and then you'll realise that things are easier than they were.  The subtle shifts will gradually become more noticeable. 

Good luck with the move.  A fresh start in a new environment sounds full of possibility. 

Love and light x

[Mustbeabetterway]

hope2727 thanks for the input on finding a therapist.  If I do go back to therapy, I will look for a psychologist.  I am not familiar with REBT but I bought Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control Workbook. It was very helpful for me and made perfect sense.

I don’t think I have come to terms with being a victim of domestic violence although I have been.  I am not sure if I really want to talk about it or just block it off which I am sure is not healthy.

Cromwell Thanks for your response.   I understand what you are saying about not burdening a therapist, but they are trained to be professional and not become personally involved with the problems of their patients.  They keep a professional distance.  I think it’s ok to be self indulgent occasionally.  

Harley QuinnGoing through custody battle is every parent’s nightmare for sure.  I’m sure you are glad it’s behind you.  Thanks for the good suggestions - focusing  on my own well-being and working  through the feelings is moving me forward, I can tell. Having my own things in a new place is good.  I’m enjoying being on my own and doing what I want, when I want.  

Peace and Blessings to you all,  Mustbe

[Harley Quinn]

I don’t think I have come to terms with being a victim of domestic violence although I have been.  I am not sure if I really want to talk about it or just block it off which I am sure is not healthy.

Hi Mustbe,

I wanted to do the latter, which is how I've coped with trauma in the past and trust me it isn't good for us.  I'm just entering therapy to help me to unravel some of this.

Luckily, I had the support of a domestic abuse advocate who put me forward for the 12 week recovery course they offer through my local service.  Spending 3 hours with other victims for 12 weeks and looking at the effects of DV was really helpful in my working through what it meant to me.  Discovering and expressing my feelings verbally with others who understand made a world of difference too.  Do you have support around this from a domestic abuse service?  It also might be an idea to look up local support groups in your area.  Just sitting and listening may be beneficial to you and perhaps you will find you have things you wish to say as time goes on. 

As always, we're always listening if you feel the need to vent anything.

Love and light x 

[Cromwell]

I actually mis-read this topic, I thought it said "another detaching step... .moving to outer space"

Well that has inadvertently given me something to consider! thanks :D

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Cromwell,  that really made me laugh.  I definitely am not moving to outer space!  Thanks for the chuckle!