I don't know how to heal.

[alyce]

Do any of you feel like you're constantly homesick, but you don't actually have even a comforting mental space designated as "home" you can go to in order to feel better? I can barely remember anything positive about my childhood - even if it was a moment I enjoyed, when I think back to it, only sadness envelops me because I realize I was content in spite of terrible circumstances. There's a weighty quality to me that I feel obliged to hide from the rest of the world, because I don't know how to have fun or practice self-compassion, I don't know how to be vulnerable, and I don't know what unconditional love is.

I'm young, but I feel like I've tried to do as much as I can to break the cycle in my family. I've made a lot of progress on my own, but even though I appear stable on the outside, I constantly wonder if/when the illness that has tragically defined my mother's life will take hold of mine. It defines my attachment style, my entire way of approaching the world - all unconsciously.

I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety, and they have told me that I don't have it, but it remains a fear. I feel like I have all the risk factors in my background, and I've seen seemingly healthy individuals nosedive into dysfunction because a rubber band snapped in their minds thanks to their childhood trauma. Do you ever worry that you have limited, if any, control over your own life because of your past? How it always stays with you no matter how motivated you are to fix yourself?

I feel alone even in the company of other people who support me, because I never feel comfortable sharing my entire self with them, because that self is so defined by pain. I don't fully know myself because I don't like dwelling or exploring how damaged I truly am.

I went no contact more than 5 years ago, but it never seems to get any easier - partly because my mother is always creating new email addresses, phone numbers, and online accounts so she can reinforce what a terrible human being she thinks her daughter is. I've distanced myself from her side of the family because they accept and perpetuate toxicity, but that leaves me with no family at all. It's like I'm constantly circling back to a grieving process because I have hope that I can trust a few people out of that group, that if I communicate my boundaries and try thoroughly enough, they won't hurt me. But they always do.

What can you do to help yourself take steps forward without backing into the same dark corner they put you in?

[HappyChappy]

What can you do to help yourself take steps forward without backing into the same dark corner they put you in?

Hi Alyce,

You ask what can you do, well I think you’ve made one positive move by posting on here. Talking things out, and realising others on here care. And we care because we’ve been there and also benefit from help. Also because BPD children can be more empathetic than most, because we had to give our mothers the “there there’s” rather than the other way around. So all I can say is I’ve felt the way you have and then gradually had a more positive and happier outlook, to the point that I’m back to being HappyChappy . But I found my progress so slow at times, it felt there was not progress at all , but there was. If you look back on your ealier post on here, in time, you may see the progress more easily.

Some things I was taught by my Therapist to keep going forwards were: 1) Treat yourself every day to something you like, buy yourself a present. 2) Write down all your achievements and remind yourself what you are good at. Then look in a mirror and tell yourself everything that is good about you. BPD nag to knock our self esteam down, we can nag ourselves happy by doing the same.  3) Spend time in nature, walking or whatever you like, apparently green stuff cheers us up.
 
But also it may help to discuss further what promoted your post. There’s a lot in there  and if things get busy we tend to fail at problem solving. So take control and lets address each issue one at a time. So what of late has upset you the most ? What provoked this thread ? What present are you going to buy yourself ?   

[Speck]

Welcome, alyce!



Let me join HappyChappy in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Do you ever worry that you have limited, if any, control over your own life because of your past? How it always stays with you no matter how motivated you are to fix yourself?

I used to feel this way when I was younger. Now that I'm an old fart at age 46, I can tell you from experience that it does get better. I now feel that I can manifest my own destiny because I view myself as the captain of my own ship.

It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. Sometimes, it can take years. It's a process. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out for counseling, as that will be key to your healing. Another positive thing that you have done for yourself is reached out to us. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck