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Author Topic: Don't know if I've been dumped or ghosted  (Read 413 times)
ShrimpAndGrits

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« on: April 23, 2018, 10:38:46 PM »

Nine months ago I met my boyfriend and things seemed so perfect from the beginning. We were both 40 and are now both 41. He has two children, aged 5 and 19. I am divorced with 3 kids.

Anyway, we never fought. But as months went by, he texted and saw me regularly, but never let me meet his parents or children. I quickly figured out he'd compartmentalized me as a sort of "happy place" he could use to escape from family stresses. His dad had a stroke shortly after we met, costing him much of his life savings and causing him to have to play caretaker and give up his own job to work with his dad after he recovered.

His mom is dying with stage 4 cancer, although he says he doesn't feel the things he thinks he should feel about it.

He told me early on (within the first month) he had BPD and was in DBT for it. I've read a lot since then and don't believe his DBT is the Linehan-approved variety, but some watered-down version. Still, he seemed very normal for months.

But the last few months his affection has grown cold, and he has given me only his leftover time when he has any. Out of desperation, I gently pressured him to let me meet his family, to make me a real part of his life. This was on 4/13. Since then I have only gotten the following:

On 4/17, when I tried to drive to his place to talk (an hour away): "When I don't talk it's because I can't. I don't think you believe that. I don't think anyone believes it. I think it's just assumed that I'm being an a**hole. I'm not being an a**hole. I'm trying to find a way to make it to the next minute. This text is going to cause me to melt down. There's nothing I know how to say to make sense of me for you. I don't know why I'm sad. I don't know why I can't handle interacting with people. I don't answer my phone. I don't answer texts. I don't even answer when someone speaks directly to me. I can't. I tried an ordinary conversation with my grandmother last night and I had to take pills to stop myself having a panic attack about it. I want to find a way to sleep until I'm past this. I f***ing hate it. I wish I could feel something besides panic, but that's all I have. I'm either worried I'm having a heart attack, or I'm completely empty. It's got nothing to do with you or anyone else. I'm just empty. When I said I'm no good for you, this is what I meant. I'm no good for anyone who gives a s*** about me because people giving a s*** about me makes me want to disappear. I'll never be what anyone needs me to be. I'm not even real anymore."

I apologized that he had to do that for me and said I'd go back to my town and wait if that's what he wanted. He replied, "I need to stick my head in the sand for now." That is the last I've heard from him.

For the rest of the week I gently texted him what was going on with me, without any questions or prompts that I expected him to answer. But when Sunday came and went with no word (he typically visits me Sunday nights) I kind of melted down. I didn't say anything in anger, just went on about how much I miss him and love him and wish he'd come to me and yadda yadda. I know this probably pushes him further away but I lost my head. I love this man. I'm terrified of losing him.

I messaged his ex wife, whom he's still close to. She's the mother of the 19 year old and married. She told me to move on; that when he does this it generally signals the end of the relationship, but he doesn't have to do the breaking up because the girlfriends lose patience and end it. (She also mentioned that he never told her or her husband or their daughter about me, which I suspected. He seemed so comforted by keeping me in a different world.) But I don't want to be one of the many who've abandoned him. I want to be there on the other side of this. But am I just a sucker? Is he trying to end it with me, or is he telling the truth that it's "not about" me?

I have cried more over him than my divorce from a 16-year marriage. We seem to be perfectly matched in every way. I feel like he's just terrified of me leaving him, but maybe I'm just telling myself that.

So. The long of it is above. The short of it is: perfection. Compatibility. Red flags as I'm kept at arm's length. Gently trying to push my way in further. Total shutdown. No communication for a week from him, way too much from me. I feel like I'm becoming BPD-level clingy myself, and I'm not usually that type.

Please, please. I need insight so much. None of my friends (nor apparently his ex wife) understand enough about BPD to be of any help or how things are not always as they seem.

Sorry for the length. And thanks in advance for anything anyone has to offer. I adore this man. I have no reason to want to be rid of him.
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 10:57:49 PM »

At least he is honest with you,  even if that honesty feels like driving a knife into your heart given how much you care about him. 

People with BPD feel core shame, that they are unlovable, undeserving of love.  His response to you communicates this.  It's hard to find an opening for validation (if you've mentioned Linehan, I'm assuming you've become familiar with some of the BPD communication strategies... .see Lesson 3 at the top of the board for more).

This is a tough spot: validate his feelings by giving him space? Reach out, possibly invalidating his need for space (to go through his severe emotions)?

Despite what he said, I'd check in soon... .and here it's tricky.  If you say,  "I'm worried about you" that might be taken as invalidating.  I'm not predicting that you might say that,  I'm just speaking from my own experience and what I've seen here over the years.  It's better to be neutral. Something like, " I haven't heard from you, how are you doing [his name]?"
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 11:13:21 PM »

Thank you for that, Turkish. I am new to the concept of validation. I practiced it on him once with great success when he messed up something he was cooking and became dysregulated over it. But when I feel rejection from him, I guess it didn't come so textbook-easy to me. I've sent him 13 texts of varying emotional neediness (no anger, but I realize that doesn't mean I haven't done damage) since he didn't come yesterday (over last night and today). (Also about 6 unanswered phone calls.) I don't regret any of the content, but your simply stating that I am invalidating his need for space is a realization I wish I'd had much earlier.

Our nine months together have never included week-long silences. I know there's really no way of knowing whether he'll come out of it and want to resume our relationship, but I guess I'm looking for hope that's a possibility. How long can these need-for-space silences last? I am absolutely determined not to abandon him because he feels mentally ill and incapable of normal communication, but where's the line between being there for him/giving him space and self-abuse/playing the martyr? Also, I'm super aware that I've got to rein in the neediness. It seems logical that he would understand, but I know the BPD brain operates sometimes a little illogically--as does my own when emotions run high.
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 11:25:09 PM »

It's hard not to be needy especially when our emotions are triggered or high.  We have needs too.

Given that,  we can be unintentionally invalidating. At the very top of the site there are good top level articles which can help.  Also take a look at the links at the bottom which link to member discussions:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Take a look and tell us if this is helpful. 

13 texts was likely too much,  especially if he never responded. No texts might be the other way too much "she doesn't care." Finding a balance might be safer. Give it a day or two,  then,  "how are you doing?"
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2018, 11:37:03 PM »

Very helpful link, and I've already watched some of the videos... .wish I'd turned to this board months ago.
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2018, 11:58:34 PM »

Miracle of miracles... .after nothing since last Tuesday I just got this: "I'm not disappearing. I feel very defensive right now and my first instinct is to lash out and I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone and it feels like it's not something I can control. Every single thing is either making me angry or sad and those are not emotions I can get a handle on."

I wasn't going to text him, but since I felt his text was an open door for a gentle reply, I said, "Thank you. I just realized in the last hour that I've sent you 13 texts since last night and I feel awful about not giving you the space you need. I can understand why that would make you feel defensive. I say 'take as long as you need' and then I get emotional and don't stick to it. Please know I'm working on that. There's nothing I won't do for you, and if that's learning to wait better, then so be it. It means a lot to me that you sent that."
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« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2018, 12:01:20 AM »

That's a great, validating response from you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Let him take it from there. 
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« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2018, 01:45:17 AM »

Welcome to the boards, LaneandKent. Your story has some parallels to mine, so maybe I can relate. My dBPDbf has some similar traits to your partner, and at first I had ZERO clue how to deal with it. I didn't understand the push/pull/withdrawal and his feelings of shame and inadequacy that manifested in him seemingly "attacking" me for no reason. I better understand now what he's going through, and have also learned better how to validate him and give space. Hell, I have never been a clingy person and always have been very independent. What I didn't realize at first was even trying to talk to him when he's dysregulated was seen as pushing his space by him. Because he can't handle stressful events or conversations like other people can.

I think it's hugely encouraging that your partner ended up getting back in touch with you and explaining he wasn't disappearing and tried to articulate to you what he was struggling with. He actually did a very good job of that, and you did a good job as well of validating him after and respecting his space. It's not always easy, because when you love someone, you want to be there for them when they are upset. You want to comfort and reassure them. This might work fine with non-BPD's but BPD's get overwhelmed very easily, and have a hard time opening up to gestures of love and reassurance when they are feeling bad.

I have been with my partner for about 28 months now, and am really JUST starting to really be totally ok with him needing his space. I also realized that 99.9% of the things that upset him, and make him withdraw are not really about me. I just trigger him if I'm too close when he wants to be alone and isolate himself. It really isn't about me.

You may find over time that saying as little as possible, and staying as scarce as you can usually brings them back around faster. Like your partner, mine was left by every woman in his past, or at least when he pushed, then ran quick, as if thankful for the exit. I was (am) the first one to say "I'll be over here, giving you your space, but I'm not really going anywhere." He's been testing that for years, and I think is finally getting exhausted and slowing the roll a bit because it's starting to sink in. We'll see.

As hard as it is, because you just want to help, and be close to your partner, you may find that the next time he gets distant and explains what's going on - if you just say something like "I understand how overwhelming/stressful this must be. Take your time. I'll give you your space, but do reach out if you need a listening ear" - works wonders, even if he needs a little time. I have even toned down the "I love you's"... .Not because I don't. But because when they are really dysregulated they feel unworthy of love, and often don't trust it. When he's upset, I use "Your happiness is important to me... ." Because he seems to take that better and believe it more. But really, to me - it means the same thing.

It sounds like your partner is very well aware of what he is struggling with, and actually is able to articulate it pretty well. Many BPD's don't understand why they feel the way they do or how to explain it. Yours has a pretty good grasp - so that's good.

Best of luck. This isn't easy, but few things in life are. You seem to be very loving person, and it's clear you care about this man. Dig into the tools on this site and practice with the validation. I still do that almost daily. Because I get it wrong at times, and need a refresher. A few posters here have had very good advice in saying ":)on't try to solve anything major or communicate complex feelings in text messages. Too much can be misconstrued or go wrong."

From personal experience, I agree. If he sends you a detailed text or email, respond with a short validating message and an invitation to talk in person, or on the phone at least if he wishes. You already figured out 13 texts don't help with a pwBPD. (We've all done it, myself included haha... .)

It's a learning curve. 

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« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2018, 06:56:56 AM »

Thank you for these posts, I think I’m validating, when I’m not. It’s a work in progress.
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« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2018, 07:58:52 AM »

Thank you for these posts, I think I’m validating, when I’m not. It’s a work in progress.

This is so true, Loismay. I'm getting the hang of it, but it's really hit or miss. If he's really stressing me out, or his behavior is really out of left field, I can totally forget my tools and, ***BAM!*** it's the express train to JADE city.

That's a bit tough, because all my life I have been used to the fact that if someone levels a complaint at you, "I tried to talk to you about something and you were rude!"

Normally "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it that way, I was really stressed, and I guess I was a bit snappy. Nothing personal. What did you want to say?"... .works. The person is relieved, and maybe says "Oh, sorry, I misread you... ." and everything is fine. You move along.

This works with 90% of the population, and you get used to that. That you CAN explain and it actually corrects the situation.

Trying to learn an entirely different communication style catered toward diffusing emotional dysregulation is an art form all its own.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2018, 09:03:05 AM »

Thank you so much, BasementDweller. It is immensely helpful to know someone else has been there and learned from it, and I can learn from others. Hard to even describe how it feels to have stumbled across the boards--books are super helpful, but cannot answer all my questions. And like I said before, friends can listen, but tend to err in understanding the pwBPD (I haven't even really reached out to my friends much in this... .I don't want them thinking he's a jerk when he's the opposite).

I'm so encouraged that you've been with your partner over two years and have successfully navigated some of these same waters. I still have so much to learn. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2018, 07:59:37 AM »

It's really important not to chase.

It's really important not to spotlight on his "stuff". It will just make it bigger.

He is dysregulated and needs to return to baseline. He seems to have the ability to recognize that and withdraw rather than put you through the hell he could create right now.

For your part, you want to find the strength to let him recover and expect him to be responsible about it. Recover himself. Recover the relationship.

You don't want to lay in wait, begging to help his recovery, making it clear that you would do anything, and walk on eggshells. That will lose his respect, diminish the attraction, and make this worse. Strength is attractive. Independence is attractive. Desperation and clinginess at any level is not.

Does this make sense?
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2018, 10:02:26 AM »

It's really important not to chase.

It's really important not to spotlight on his "stuff". It will just make it bigger.

He is dysregulated and needs to return to baseline. He seems to have the ability to recognize that and withdraw rather than put you through the hell he could create right now.

For your part, you want to find the strength to let him recover and expect him to be responsible about it. Recover himself. Recover the relationship.

You don't want to lay in wait, begging to help his recovery, making it clear that you would do anything, and walk on eggshells. That will lose his respect, diminish the attraction, and make this worse. Strength is attractive. Independence is attractive. Desperation and clinginess at any level is not.

Does this make sense?


It does, and I really appreciate that advice. Since my reply to him on Monday I've been very much at peace and just waiting/praying. No contact. I feel ashamed that I chased, and for whatever reason don't even feel the urge to do that now. Part of that urge, I think, came from the fact that it was the first time he'd gone that long without talking to me. That doesn't make it OK of course, but maybe explains my overemotional reaction. I made it about me, repeatedly, and I regret it.
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2018, 01:10:17 PM »

So now it's Thursday, three days since contact. Believe it or not, I'm fine, and not needing anything from him. He's obviously not ready, and I probably made things worse with my Sunday night/Monday breakdown. 

As it has been three days, though, what is your advice about contact from me? I don't need it, but will it begin to look as though I don't care? Is he going to understand that my silence is out of respect and giving him what he needs, or is it time tonight or tomorrow to drop a note of some sort? I honestly don't want to, after my former behavior. And I know if he's not ready he won't reply, which puts me in danger of starting to get emotional again (but I'm well positioned to manage it better).

I just don't want to seem uncaring or like I've given up on him. With his lack of communication it's so hard to know how he's receiving anything.

This is so different from how it started... .sweet notes from him every few hours... .hard not to dwell on it.
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ShrimpAndGrits

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« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2018, 10:52:08 AM »

Having just the hardest time today. It has been two weeks since I saw him and he's barely spoken to me in that time. I know it likely started when I sent a text saying how sad it felt to be held at arm's length, and how upsetting it is that he hasn't let me meet his daughter. Though I tried to be very gentle in that I see now it was apparently damaging. But face to face mentions of this had gone nowhere. I understand so little, yet. I know the pwBPD's timeline is usually different. Am I just supposed to be ok with being kept in a compartment that feels more like the "other woman" than a partner?

Yesterday I only sent him this: "I'm planning to take the kids to the zoo Tuesday. You're welcome to join us if you're so inclined. Smiling (click to insert in post)" Again... .nothing. Sometimes I'm ok, but sometimes I'm a basketcase.

In August, early on in our relationship, he would text me that he missed me even when I was at work and couldn't respond for a couple of hours. Notes throughout the day and so forth. I am breaking down with this silent treatment and it's little wonder that I lost it and texted the hell out of him Sunday night and Monday. I'm so scared we will never recover the happier times. Even to go back to that is lacking... .I haven't the faintest idea how to share my own needs without being invalidating. The tears aren't stopping today.

(Edited to add that I had to change my screen name, in case any confusion arises from this.)
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