BPD wife is cycling out of control

[Fungrl]

Well... .met my charming beautiful bod wife 3 years ago and she swept me off my feet n we fell in love... .she did tell me she had bod, bipolar 1, ptsd, ocd, amongst a few other thingd but of course in my my nliss i chose to ignore it...  forward a year, i start noticing really flirtatious almost obnoxious behaviors out in oublic whrn she had been frinking... .i mean inappropriate... .shes an ex dancer, escort, on again off agsin addict... .its lile shes working the room and flirt w anyone who will give her attention... .this obviously annoys me n angers me but she just says thats who i am... .im friendly... .ok... .forward 6 months later n shes fooling around w our neighbor which i haf suspected but it shortly came out in the open... .i forgave her she promised it wouldnt happen agsin, doesnt know why she does hose things... .yada yada yada... .does it agsin 8 months later... .this time i notice this secrecy of hernphone, jist plain being shady... .she leaves me this time for a woman i know and comes back 2 weeks later says i made a mistske... .forgave her yet sgsin but now i competely dont trust her her lies anything n th relationship gets cold bc now im losing interest in her sexually... .bc the trust issue is consuming me... .i start researching her disorderd. In oarticular BPD.  And voila... .she is the poster child for this disorder.  The lyong, even when theres no reason, the selfishness, the coldness, inability to feel compassion for me when her actions have clearly hurt me... .i mean i literally get s blank stare... an emotionless individual... and yes that stings alot... its creepy... .i could b balling n it doesnt faze her... .except... .when i intercepted a text between her and another woman... .who by now she is triangulsting me with as we speak... .and when confronted she punched me in the face... .twice... .that was ugly... .she couldnt look me in the eys... .she did apologize half heartedly telling me not to startle somine w ptsd.  So 1 month into the trisngulation, shes doing what she wants, thinking shes getting her cake and eating it to... i know alot about her disoder now so im not completely blaming her... .im trying a calmer, more no confrtational approadh to her and her behaviors... .any suggestions... .

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[Mutt]

Hi Fungrl,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you decided to join us there is hope. I can seee how hurtful that would when your partner is flirting with others in the room and is invalidating you. Many of our members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you’ll see that you fit right in here.

Are you safe at the moment?

[Radcliff]

Hello Fungrl,

Let me join Mutt in welcoming you to bpdfamily!  This is a great place to get support.  Tell us about your calmer, non-confrontational approach.  What changes have you made in how you're approaching things, and how is it working?

WW

[Fungrl]

Thanks for replying all of u... .the calmer approach is basically being non reactive at all to her manipulative comments and behaviors... .Her comments obviously meant to control me... .like “ does it bother u im sleeping with  so n so... .dumb question obviously... .i just looked at her blankly snd smiled... .im giving her what she gives me... almost the identical behaviors... .i sctually think it soothes her to some extent but also throws her off balance bc im not longer reacting to her leading comments... .she tries to charm me every time i back off... .its almost comical in its repetition... .she told me today ive done a 180 in dealing w her and to b honest... .i just dont care anymore... .i cannot allow someones disorder send me into a tailspin... .shes not s bad person... .i do love her and i now understand her limitations... .i know she cant xontrol it... .it goves me peace... .thanks to these forums i dont take her ___ personally anymore... .i know this dosorder is harder for her to manage than it is me... .i will no longer feel that uneasy how is any of this my fault mentality bc i know its not... .i told her i wanted an open relationship until i figure out what i want to do bc allowing her to believe she had the upper hand is easier than the constant head butting... .im actually in a good place w all of this... .we r getting along peacefully st the moment as im watching her implement the dame behaviors on the new other woman... .calm and indifferent seems to be the way to go... .pay attention yall...

[Fungrl]

And yes i am safe thank u so much for asking!

[Fungrl]

What is up with these BPD not being able to stsy alone?

[Radcliff]

Fungrl,

Great, you're learning to not take her behaviors personally.  That's a very good step!  It helps us be less reactive and calmer, so we avoid making things worse, and it also limits the damage on us a bit.

What is up with these BPD not being able to stsy alone?

There's a lot to learn about this illness.  Take a look at Lesson 1 here, and let us know what you think the answer to your question might be:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

WW