I told her I’d please like some boundaries respected.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know I said I wouldn’t post here again but after the week I’ve been through I simply didn’t know where to turn especially about BPD and the weirdness I’ve experienced.Starting last weekend me and my gf have had some talks some good but some weird none really anger or shutting down.It all started on Saturday after the whole dinner cancellation I figured why not tell her how I felt about that in a new fashion not my old ways of finger pointing.Well as odd as it seems although she was angry because she tried to convince me only I had issues with how she is (cancelling dates,rendezvous’s etc etc) I some how pulled off telling her about all the past friends she lost that she did this to.She only said men were the issue and all her female friends with kids are loyal and never left her where in yet again I pulled off telling her one by one all the female friends she lost including the ones she has now that left her over a year and more but canes back. She never answered me until Sunday where she said I really wish you wouldn’t of sent that stuff yesterday it made me feel shi$&y.30 minutes after she invited me to come see her and the kids when I told her I missed her and wanted to see her. So I believe in some fashion she is very very slowly letting me back close to her even after I told her I’d please like some boundaries respected.
With that said and this is the part I don’t understand is she texted me after I saw her Sunday and said I love you very much and I’m sorry I’m. Not acting as you would expect me to lately your patience will go a long way I promise. Then this week I found out her ex bf is coming into town for business 4 days and she used to cheat on her previous ex with him a lot.So I texted her last night saying : hey I know xyz is coming into town and I’m sure he has reached out to you because he likes to play games with you, just wanted to know if you were gonna see him for lunch or dinner.Her answer was , yeah he reached out to me and unfortunately for him I won’t,can’t,shouldn’t .So all I said was thanks babe that’s all I wanted to know .I do have trust issues with her because she cheated on her last two boyfriends and me ... .but if I keep fixating on that may as well stop this all together

[Shawnlam]

I know I said I wouldn’t post here again but after the week I’ve been through I simply didn’t know where to turn especially about BPD and the weirdness I’ve experienced.Starting last weekend me and my gf have had some talks some good but some weird none really anger or shutting down.It all started on Saturday after the whole dinner cancellation I figured why not tell her how I felt about that in a new fashion not my old ways of finger pointing.Well as odd as it seems although she was angry because she tried to convince me only I had issues with how she is (cancelling dates,rendezvous’s etc etc) I some how pulled off telling her about all the past friends she lost that she did this to.She only said men were the issue and all her female friends with kids are loyal and never left her where in yet again I pulled off telling her one by one all the female friends she lost including the ones she has now that left her over a year and more but canes back. She never answered me until Sunday where she said I really wish you wouldn’t of sent that stuff yesterday it made me feel shi$&y.30 minutes after she invited me to come see her and the kids when I told her I missed her and wanted to see her. So I believe in some fashion she is very very slowly letting me back close to her even after I told her I’d please like some boundaries respected.
With that said and this is the part I don’t understand is she texted me after I saw her Sunday and said I love you very much and I’m sorry I’m. Not acting as you would expect me to lately your patience will go a long way I promise. Then this week I found out her ex bf is coming into town for business 4 days and she used to cheat on her previous ex with him a lot.So I texted her last night saying : hey I know xyz is coming into town and I’m sure he has reached out to you because he likes to play games with you, just wanted to know if you were gonna see him for lunch or dinner.Her answer was , yeah he reached out to me and unfortunately for him I won’t,can’t,shouldn’t .So all I said was thanks babe that’s all I wanted to know .I do have trust issues with her because she cheated on her last two boyfriends and me ... .but if I keep fixating on that may as well stop this all together

[Turkish]

Understandable to have trust issues given history.  Can you let this lie as a closed issue now between you? You asked, and she responded civilly. I know that inside this might not be closed... .

[Shawnlam]

I’m at a point of giving her another chance so I can turn the page on previous behaviors.Im crossing my fingers by having established some boundaries she will try her best to respect them.

[formflier]

  she will try her best to respect them.

Hey... .can you briefly describe the boundary and what her respecting them looks like?

Boundaries are my number 1 tool for stabilizing my relationship... .nothing else came even close.  Add to this a "boundary way of thinking" about what I would or wouldn't be involved in.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Many people confuse boundaries and rules... .

Standing by to chat more about boundaries... .

FF

[SlyQQ]

she is dual tracking which is normal when someone with BPD feels an increased threat

[Shawnlam]

The boundaries I’ve set without any mention of a ultimatum might I add are as follows ex: when she cancels an appointment last minute  “she made and suggested” for us which used to anger me .Now I’ll say something along the lines of : I’m disappointed,this just doesn’t work for me , I put that time aside to be with you.Then if she doesn’t change and still does it ,I’ll treat her different.Not get revenge don’t get me wrong that just doesn’t work.But I’ll keep myself busy doing what I want the next time she proposes something I’ll be “ busy”,but I always answer her texts just not right away I’ll do it on my time.
She also knows cheating won’t be accepted and I want the truth I ask her a question.Ill validate her as a reward “no I’m not joking” seems the relationship has become easier this way and less stressful for me as well. Because I’m not always worrying about stuff  because in a way I take care of me to now ,not just her.

[formflier]

Can I challenge you to read the article link that I provided?

Are some of the things you talked about boundaries?  How do they express your values?

You are on the right track!      Keep it up!

FF

[Shawnlam]

I read the whole article pretty good stuff I think I’ve been and will be continuing to keep this pace and approache.I also had to figure out (with the help of a therapist)what kind of attachment type I am and my gf is.Seems I’m the anxious attachment type which I’m presently working on and my gf is the avoidant attachment type (in a way).Long story short a huge part of the issues was simply me and my character.So time  to change for the better for me , if it grows my relationship with her great ! If not ,it’s still worth doing these things anyways because honestly I had no idea the issues I HAD never mind the whole learning about BPD .

[formflier]

.So time  to change for the better for me

Doing things for yourself is a solid plan. 

From the article about boundaries:

This is the life skill of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values.

Can we get back to the question about your values you are trying to communicate with the "boundaries" you have discussed so far?

FF

[Shawnlam]

Well so far from a boundaries perspective I’ve had the following discussions already:
Keeping appointments especially paid for trips or occasions we both mutually accepted and agreed upon.

Second one was zero tolerance on cheating with anybody period.

Third was silent treatment is a form of disrespect and any issues we both have need to be discussed not ignored or worse exaggerated.

So far she and I have agreed that  these boundaries have to be respected .( I also keep in mind her emotional state so when something does happen and she’s really upset I give her time to relax “before discussing it with her” because I know she has high emotions vs mine.

What is coming in the near future but I have to phase in slowly is the lieing has to stop and the lack of important information as  well which technically not lieing but it’s also not being truthful.This conversation will be a lot harder so I’m running the scenarios in my head

[formflier]

Gotcha... .all of that sounds reasonable.

How does that relate to your values?

FF

[Shawnlam]

Those are pretty much my core values ( respect mutual,trust) that’s about it.In a relationship or friendship of those to things are respectively met most other things can be worked out.

[formflier]

( respect mutual,trust)

There are some good values!  

See if you can "connect the dots" for me to your "boundary" of her cancelling things last minute.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Can I send you back to this article?  I would point you about halfway down to the "asserting boundaries" area.  

Why would you suspect I've been so dogged in getting you to directly express your values?  What does the "asserting boundaries" section teach is the purpose of "boundaries"?



FF

[Shawnlam]

Well I understood the whole what I consider disrespectful VS what she may think is disrespectful . But I think when something of this nature occurs I just need to step back calm myself and address it.Being disrespected however is hard to miss unless one is purposely blind or is trying to just avoid conflict.So in order for me to be comfortable I simply can’t allow boundaries to be stepped over anymore than she can in her side .All in all no boundaries = no relationship.Delivering the message is the key really , if it’s thrown at somebody without backing,if it’s delivered with ultimatums or etc etc the point is lost and the situation simply degrades .

[formflier]

See if you can "connect the dots" for me to your "boundary" of her cancelling things last minute.

 

What is your value that you are trying to communicate to her?

FF

[Shawnlam]

Maybe  it’s just me or the gin but you are gonna have to help me on this one

[formflier]

From the article on bpdfamily.

For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others", would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something highly offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?  One person may answer "yes" while another says "no".  Our boundaries are often not as obvious to others as we all see things differently. As such, educating and informing others is an important pillar of this life skill.

I think this is kinda what you are trying to express. 

It is important that you can clearly express YOUR values that are the "bedrock" of your boundaries... .said another way, your boundaries are built "on" your values.

If values are unclear, boundaries are likely that way as well.

The purpose of values, and by extension boundaries, are to communicate with the world... .

Many people get confused and think or act like the purpose of boundaries is to control others.  There is a hint of that (although I don't imagine you intend it this way) in your posts.

Much better to have strong boundaries so you can communicate to others who you really are... and let them make a decision if you guys are a good match.

Same thing... you can figure out of you are a good match.

Some people enjoy spontaneity... .cancel and or make plans at last minute.   Their values are different than yours.  that's ok

The important thing is that YOU communicate clearly... .and then respect their decisions.

Enjoy the gin!

FF

[Shawnlam]

Ahhh I get it now,and yes I’ve thought about this one awhile now.I asked myself “Shawn are your just being controlling and then you get made when it doesn’t go your way”. I am someone who likes to plan a little in advance like a week LOL.But I’ve done two things lately ,1: I don’t plan that far in advance I’m up to 24 hrs before . 2: I asked myself  what exactly is the problem.The answer is I get upset not so much because she doesn’t like planning,but more when she plans something like a dinner and then cancels it 1hr before.Thats what is like her to work on,because it kicks me into anxiety and chaos mode never knowing what she is gonna do for plans she made.I now understand that a lot of what she says today for let’s say two weekends coming can’t be taken seriously just now because she is too all over the place .She is like that with her own life as well not just with us,so I can’t change her for this ,she’s been like that for. 30years .

We had an interesting convo yesterday that I’m going to post later,very odd but honest.

[formflier]

So... ."boundaries work both ways".  It is much more effective to communicate through your actions, than through conversations trying to control or change another person.

It appears she is a chaotic person that often cancels at last minute.  That would rub me the wrong way as well. 

However, what would happen if she cancels at last minute and you went to dinner anyway (perhaps the plans were at a restaurant).  I get it if she is hostess at her house and she cancels... .you can't force that... and shouldn't try.

However, you could pivot YOUR plans and go out to dinner and have an enjoyable evening. 
 
Let her experience her chaos.  You experience a wonderful dinner, albeit not "exactly" the dinner you had planned for.

Ultimately it's best to "control" what you control.  Who you make plans with.  If you know she is like this... .why would you continue to make plans with her?  Wouldn't it be better to just call her up... .ask her what she wants to do in 10 minutes... .and roll with it.

Is it OK for you to say NO to her plans?

https://youtu.be/055wFyO6gag

Hmmm

FF