I can't stop blaming myself

[blooming]

My uBPDex (although he has pretty much been diagnosed, but not officially) and I broke up for the final time 3 weeks ago after 5 months of recycles and before that over a year of being together consecutively (so without break-ups). I found out 1.5 weeks ago that he cheated on me (kissed another and contacted her on facebook) while we were together. He denies this (I asked him about it via whatsapp, that's the only contact we've had in the past 3 weeks).

As much as my friends and family and therapist keep telling me that it's him who has a problem and that it's not my fault, I just can't seem to get my head to think those thoughts to. All I'm doing, all day long, is blaming myself. I keep thinking of conversations we had where I should have said something differently and then I read them back (I have them all saved on my computer) and I feel like such a failure and am so angry at myself for ruining this relationship and scaring him off.

Some things I struggle with are:
- When I was feeling a bit down I usually told him so immediately, which made him think that there was always something wrong with me and that it was always about me and that I was selfish, because he never really spoke about his feelings.

- I sent him long whatsapp messages trying to explain what I was feeling (for example when I first started to walk on eggshells because his behaviour changed), which he really couldn't handle and only got irritated by and I should have just tried to have those conversations in real life because then they probably wouldn't have escalated as much, but I didn't dare to. I thought I could explain myself better if I could write it down.

- There was a period in which I felt a bit lost and didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life because a lot of the pastime activities I had done stopped. He couldn't handle that I was moaning about this, saying that I should "just find something to do with my life" and "I'm not an entertainment boyfriend". I shouldn't have talked to him about how I was feeling, I should've talked about it to different people, because it only made him annoyed with me.

- Later on he thought I did way too much with my life and that I didn't have enough time for him. So when I signed up for a workshop at my study association (from 5 to 7 pm on tuesday evenings, and on monday I already had rowing practice 'till 7 and on wednesday and thursday 'till 9, but I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal because you still have the whole evening ahead of you at 7 pm) he got really angry saying that I never had time for him and that when he planned something with friends when I had the evening free, I shouldn't act like I was sad about that, because I didn't have the right to, because I was the one who planned too much. I didn't do the workshop after that of course. And I quit some of my committees and started rowing less. But it was already too late then. I should have made him more of a priority. I hate myself for that.

- There was a period where he was really stressed because of his study and because I had been in the hospital for a few days with a kidney infection. Instead of talking about his stress to me, he downloaded a dating app and started talking to a girl on there, exchanging numbers and flirting a lot. I found out about when we were on a weekend away together. He said it didn't mean anything and that it was just for some easy distraction and easy attention. I couldn't handle it very well. I have quite low self esteem and this really hurt me. I think I pushed him too far in wanting an apology from him and wanting him to show me that it was a mistake. Because he was still stressed in that period (well, I think this is the reason) he couldn't really show any of his emotions and it really didn't seem to bother him at all. When we talked about it he just listened and stared into the distance. The first time we talked about it he was really sweet and tried to comfort me, but the second and third time he just didn't want to discuss it any further and didn't understand why it was such a big deal. I shouldn't have pushed him so much in talking about it. Maybe if I hadn't, we'd still be together, because this was the main reason we broke up the first time. Also because he got really angry about that I had looked at his phone (he had left his phone out in the open while he was cycling with my dad and I saw that he had received messages from her because his screen lighted up) and got even more angry when I said that I wouldn't mind it if he'd look at my phone. He said I scared him.

- In the week after I got out of hospital I didn't make enough time for him. I planned to see my friend a lot because I hadn't seen them in 3 weeks because of my illness. I should've planned more time for him. He had been so sweet during my illness, sitting by my bedside a lot, and this was how I repaid him? I hate myself for that.

- As I said before I have pretty low self esteem and have struggled with anorexia nervosa in the past. The eating disorder thoughts are pretty much always in the back of my mind. Usually I can suppress them, but sometimes, when I'm not feeling well, I can't. I have had nights where I said that I found it difficult when my ex touched me because I felt so ugly and gross and just wanted out of my body. He said he found it very hard to hear that because he thought I was attractive and it's just not nice to hear that someone you find attractive hates herself so much. He struggled with that. I should've tried to keep my thoughts to myself more when I was having a difficult time, because sometimes he worried about me when it wasn't necessary, because I knew they were just thoughts but he was scared I would act on them and that my eating disorder would come back.

There's probably a lot more which I'm forgetting.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi blooming,

Reading your post I can see how upset you're feeling over things going in the direction they have.  Blaming ourselves can be a part of the process, and it's one you want to move through and not get stuck in.  The what if's can be hard to shake.  You seem to be taking on most or all of the responsibility here.  :)o you see him as blameless in the r/s's demise?  

I keep thinking of conversations we had where I should have said something differently and then I read them back (I have them all saved on my computer) and I feel like such a failure and am so angry at myself for ruining this relationship and scaring him off.

Doing this to yourself is prolonging the misery and I'd even go so far as to say it could hold you back from doing the real work of detaching and grieving.  Can you see a way to stop yourself from doing this?  

I'm interested to know if it is usual for you to take yourself apart like this, or is this only around this particular r/s?  How self critical are you normally?  For example, if you fell out with a friend would you dissect the conversations and go through this same process?  

Love and light x

  

[Mutt]

Hi blooming,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling right now. Sharing your feelings and being innate with your partner is a part of a r/s it sounds like he had a problem with intimacy. You should spend time with other people than your so like family and friends if a partner is trying to jeopardize that then that’s a huge red flag for toxicity. You should have a wide spectrum of people as your support network not just an SO.

That being said and I’d like to echo Harley Quinn with asking yourself what could i have done differently, what if i didn’t do x would that saved the r/s? It sounds like you’re in the bargaining stage of grieving grieving loss has five stages anger, denial, barganing, depression, they’re not in order and you might go through a stage more than once. This is normal.

Bargaining
You try to negotiate to change the situation.
In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change".  
Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

SELF ASSESSMENT | The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blooming, It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Most BPD relationships, sad to say, are not built to last.  Blaming yourself is a way of relieving him of responsibility, whereas in reality both of you contributed to the outcome.  Don't beat yourself up!  Hey, you're human.  Suggest you embrace your imperfections.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

Some things I struggle with are:
- When I was feeling a bit down I usually told him so immediately, which made him think that there was always something wrong with me and that it was always about me and that I was selfish, because he never really spoke about his feelings.

I dont see anything inherently wrong in you doing this, the opposite in fact. Although I think I can realise why he would have had a problem with it if he has BPD. Again, this is not something to blame yourself for that you are an assertive person and an open and honest person. Most people would see these as positive characteristics to bring into a normal relationship.

- I sent him long whatsapp messages trying to explain what I was feeling (for example when I first started to walk on eggshells because his behaviour changed), which he really couldn't handle and only got irritated by and I should have just tried to have those conversations in real life because then they probably wouldn't have escalated as much, but I didn't dare to. I thought I could explain myself better if I could write it down.There's probably a lot more which I'm forgetting.

Agree a little bit here, much of the problem with instant messaging is lack of being able to convey and express and misinterpretations due to texts. For instance, I once got a text where she asked me where I was, when I told her I was with friends at work, she replied back "OK"... .then 2 minutes later "you better be doing the shopping"

I had told her in the morning I would go shopping after work, now her response of "OK" on the face of it, is reasonable, despite it in caps, does it mean she is shouting and angry? Sometimes she would write ok, other times Ok. So theres already an issue in one word. Then the follow up, which took 2 minutes (meaning I have to wonder why it took her so long, was she angry and had to think what to say or just busy?) to start of using "you better", can be interpreted as a friendly reminder, as much as a demand all the way to a underlying threat. The problem with my BPDx is that it could mean any of these things. Also tone of voice and making jokes, was often not well received even in face to face communcation. So yes, to a normal no PD person, talking face to face would have been easier, but what choice did you have, you already say you assumed he wouldnt handle (a fair assumption). so besides just never talking about your needs at all (which I did, to my demise) you did the best you could, again I cant see anything blame worthy.

- There was a period in which I felt a bit lost and didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life because a lot of the pastime activities I had done stopped. He couldn't handle that I was moaning about this, saying that I should "just find something to do with my life" and "I'm not an entertainment boyfriend". I shouldn't have talked to him about how I was feeling, I should've talked about it to different people, because it only made him annoyed with me.

- Later on he thought I did way too much with my life and that I didn't have enough time for him. So when I signed up for a workshop at my study association (from 5 to 7 pm on tuesday evenings, and on monday I already had rowing practice 'till 7 and on wednesday and thursday 'till 9, but I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal because you still have the whole evening ahead of you at 7 pm) he got really angry saying that I never had time for him and that when he planned something with friends when I had the evening free, I shouldn't act like I was sad about that, because I didn't have the right to, because I was the one who planned too much. I didn't do the workshop after that of course. And I quit some of my committees and started rowing less. But it was already too late then. I should have made him more of a priority. I hate myself for that.

- There was a period where he was really stressed because of his study and because I had been in the hospital for a few days with a kidney infection. Instead of talking about his stress to me, he downloaded a dating app and started talking to a girl on there, exchanging numbers and flirting a lot. I found out about when we were on a weekend away together. He said it didn't mean anything and that it was just for some easy distraction and easy attention. I couldn't handle it very well. I have quite low self esteem and this really hurt me. I think I pushed him too far in wanting an apology from him and wanting him to show me that it was a mistake. Because he was still stressed in that period (well, I think this is the reason) he couldn't really show any of his emotions and it really didn't seem to bother him at all. When we talked about it he just listened and stared into the distance. The first time we talked about it he was really sweet and tried to comfort me, but the second and third time he just didn't want to discuss it any further and didn't understand why it was such a big deal. I shouldn't have pushed him so much in talking about it. Maybe if I hadn't, we'd still be together, because this was the main reason we broke up the first time. Also because he got really angry about that I had looked at his phone (he had left his phone out in the open while he was cycling with my dad and I saw that he had received messages from her because his screen lighted up) and got even more angry when I said that I wouldn't mind it if he'd look at my phone. He said I scared him.

- In the week after I got out of hospital I didn't make enough time for him. I planned to see my friend a lot because I hadn't seen them in 3 weeks because of my illness. I should've planned more time for him. He had been so sweet during my illness, sitting by my bedside a lot, and this was how I repaid him? I hate myself for that.

- As I said before I have pretty low self esteem and have struggled with anorexia nervosa in the past. The eating disorder thoughts are pretty much always in the back of my mind. Usually I can suppress them, but sometimes, when I'm not feeling well, I can't. I have had nights where I said that I found it difficult when my ex touched me because I felt so ugly and gross and just wanted out of my body. He said he found it very hard to hear that because he thought I was attractive and it's just not nice to hear that someone you find attractive hates herself so much. He struggled with that. I should've tried to keep my thoughts to myself more when I was having a difficult time, because sometimes he worried about me when it wasn't necessary, because I knew they were just thoughts but he was scared I would act on them and that my eating disorder would come back.

There's probably a lot more which I'm forgetting.

Blooming I hope you feel better to share all this, get it out your system. In terms of the context, you are doing the same I did and many others have done, a sort of post-R/S post mortem. There is no such thing as doing anything "perfect", but what you describe above comes across you were just expressing your needs and also holding back on a lot because you felt a lack of empathy on his part. It is obvious you liked him a lot and tried your best but please dont take his lack of reciprocation as an indication of your own personal fault. There will have been things you have done unknowingly that would have been fine in a non pwBPD but is not the best approach in this impossible relationship. These are impossible relationships without the pwBPD getting into therapy, well, if you are expecting a non turbulent, reciprocating one that is. Its why I said earlier not to take it personal, you have a right to enjoy your hobbies and other interests besides him. My BPDx was always jealous of any attention I gave to anyone, even my own family, even in times where I wouldnt be with her anyway, because it meant I was temporarily unavailable to fill her needs at the drop of a hat. And yes, I ended up sacrificing a lot of these things for her, it made little difference in the end except to slowly isolate myself until she was even more the centre of my universe. the more she got that, the more engulfed she felt, the more she started her antics. Like I said, impossible whatever you would have done. So try to stop dissecting it all, you probably did far better than you think and if you have low self esteem, not being able to vocalise your inner concerns with your partner doesnt help to build it up. Just know you are not alone what you went through, it is a highly complex and difficult personality disorder for anyone to be in a R/S with, its certainly not one to underestimate, this self doubt you are going through is normal. Theres also some stuff that for me at least seem contradictory, you say he was by your bed side and really sweet and you blame yourself for not giving him enough time when you recovered, yet during that time he was so sweet he was simultaneously on dating apps chatting with other people? As I got to know my ex better, the moments she began to get really sweet were the times I started to think "what are you hiding from me, what have you been up to that im not supposed to know, or what do you want from me". Just another way of looking at it. I hope you find more happiness moving on from this, sounds like you have little to blame yourself for at least from my perspective.