Broke up last night...how to stay away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all,
  So a little background. My ex girlfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We broke up last night. She’s in the military and I’m in school, I have a year left. Our entire relationship she has said she doesn’t want marriage so I adapted to that and kind of said ok I can handle that. She’s been talking to a therapist very recently (she doesn’t have an official BPD diagnosis but she matches up with every single symptom). Anyway, she just realized a couple of weeks ago that she actually does want marriage. And then got SO MAD when I said I didn’t want to get engaged in 2018 but would be willing to talk about 2019. It took a little to bounce back from that but she told me in a drunken state over the weekend that she went to a fertility clinic (were lesbians) and had in vitro procedure and could be pregnant. Like she went behind my back without telling me to go have this done. Last night we had a conversation and both of us agreed that we’re in different places but I feel like she hasn’t thought any of this through.

Did I do the right thing to walk away? Am I dumb for doing that? Does she just need support? How can I completely detach?

Thanks

[Kdk228]

Hey all,
  So a little background. My ex girlfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We broke up last night. She’s in the military and I’m in school, I have a year left. Our entire relationship she has said she doesn’t want marriage so I adapted to that and kind of said ok I can handle that. She’s been talking to a therapist very recently (she doesn’t have an official BPD diagnosis but she matches up with every single symptom). Anyway, she just realized a couple of weeks ago that she actually does want marriage. And then got SO MAD when I said I didn’t want to get engaged in 2018 but would be willing to talk about 2019. It took a little to bounce back from that but she told me in a drunken state over the weekend that she went to a fertility clinic (were lesbians) and had in vitro procedure and could be pregnant. Like she went behind my back without telling me to go have this done. Last night we had a conversation and both of us agreed that we’re in different places but I feel like she hasn’t thought any of this through.

Did I do the right thing to walk away? Am I dumb for doing that? Does she just need support? How can I completely detach?

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

she told me in a drunken state over the weekend that she went to a fertility clinic (were lesbians) and had in vitro procedure and could be pregnant. Like she went behind my back without telling me to go have this done. Last night we had a conversation and both of us agreed that we’re in different places

Hey Kdk, I'm sorry to learn that you weren't part of the discussion concerning in vitro, which suggests to me that she has her own agenda.  It seems like you were intentionally kept out of the loop, which speaks to the state of your r/s, I would suggest.  What are your feelings about it?  Are you hoping for a recycle or are you ready to detach?  Either way is OK and lots of us have done both.  Fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Kdk228,



I’d like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry to hear that. I can understand how upsetting that would be to find out that she’s jeopardizing the r//s with her actions.

It sounds to me like she’s trying to force your hand what I mean maybe if she is pregnant then you would get married for the sake taking care of the baby. BPD is a lack of impulse control at that was an impulsive choice on her behalf. I think that you have a right to think about what you need, I don’t think that’s dumb at all.