ex BPD got married to my replacement. Why does it bother me?

[willtimeheal]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I found out the other day my ex BPD got married to my replacement. They have been together for three years. I am not sure how I feel. Part of me is glad it’s not me who married her and part of me is sad it wasn’t me. I have spent three years rebuilding my life. I have a great relationship now and it’s boring sometimes cuz there is no drama. But I am really happy. But yet when I heard she got married my heart broke a bit. I can’t help but wonder did she finally find that perfect person. Did he fix her?  :)oes she now have everything together?  Why could she get it all together with him and not me?  Makes me wonder and then I get mad because it’s been years and why does it bother me?  And I dont want to dig deeper. I did the therapy and looked at my soul. I just really really loved her.

[loyalwife]

Hi willtimeheal:

    My uBPDh married me, and I was the replacement. He told his daughter and friends (so it could leak to his ex wife) that I was more 'fun'. When I heard it, I actually believed it. When we got engaged, he was still legally married and that was messy. The point is, once with a BPD, you experience life on a all time high, and that is all that you remember,  yet the low you forget. It doesn't take long though for the non to understand that they are in relationship that teeter totters depending on the BPD's mood. I fully believe that the reason that you were bothered after three years is that you remember how much 'fun' your ex could be. And, you did really really love her.
    I can't fix anyone, no one can. The drama that is intensive and is good feels great, but never forget that the drama that is bad feels horrible. I think you are wise to say that you were glad that it wasn't you that married your ex. As a replacement, let me tell you, it's just rinse and repeat. You can rest assured that the same problems you experienced with your ex is being rehashed and that the initial honeymoon phase is long over.
    It wasn't you.

[once removed]

its always a bit of a stinger when an ex gets married. ive had it happen with exes i havent spoken to or thought of in years, and it still has a certain ding emotionally.

i cant really tell you how their relationship will play out. i hung in there for a while waiting for my exs relationship to crash and burn. it didnt. and it was very different than my relationship with her. i think that its natural to feel that emotional ding with this sort of news, but i think if we make it about us, it indicates attachment. think about it, we dont tend to have this same sort of process with most of our exes.

as to why does it bother you? only you can answer that, but is it possible you have not fully grieved the relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi willtimeheal,

Why could she get it all together with him and not me?

Replacing your SO for someone else doesn't fix your problems.

[AustenJ]

Thanks for your candid response, loyalwife. Your comments are truly revealing, and I'm sorry you are dealing with the "rinse and repeat" cycle. You deserve soo much more! Hugs to you!

I guess we all play that replacement role at some point in regards to our pwBPD. And there's usually a long list of other replacements before us... .and our replacements and the people we replaced are largely just like us... .we are good people who love hard and want to fix/rescue people: if we all randomly met in a bar, we would probably all end up being pretty good friends... .birds of a feather. And we would all probably recognize the red flags in the SO of the one of us that was there with his or her BPD girl/boyfriend .

I think part of it comes down to how much we/our replacement is willing to put up with... .our person with BPD doesn't change... .ever... .we do, in order to accommodate their aberrant behavior. I work with my ex and I get to see her acting out the same way with my replacement as she did with me. She still drinks heavily, cheats, cuts, vapes, drives recklessly, etc.

No one can fix them.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I am waiting for her relationship to crash and burn so it confirms I am not the crazy one. I know I am not crazy but there is this piece of me that wants/needs that validation. It just pisses me off to think she is happy and that after all those years with me and all the work -someone else gets the benefits of the “fixed” her. Even though I know she can’t be fixed. I don’t know why my mind goes there. I just wish I didn’t think about her anymore. I get mad at myself for thinking about her. It’s been three years. I need it to stop.

[Shawnlam]

The only thing I can say Willtimeheal is my exGFBPD longest run was 6 years with a man and it ended with her breaking his leg and walking away  with her two kids.The one after lasted 1 year ,the one after 3 with about a dozen recycles and then me 6 months.If it makes you feel better she hasn’t changed trust me, it’s just the guy she’s with is more tolerant (or oblivious) to her issues.But I totally get why it hurts you,because you loved her ,you are a good person be proud of that.

[once removed]

It’s been three years. I need it to stop.

it may be that hanging onto the idea that she is broken (needs fixing or cant be fixed) or 100% responsible for the breakdown of your relationship is not helping. theres a lot of investment in that narrative. anything that suggests otherwise seems to pain you.

it wasnt until i let go of that narrative myself (it was painful to face, of course) that my perspective started to switch, and i could see the bigger picture, her part, my part, our part, that i began to detach from those wounds, detach from the outcome, and find peace and resolution.

[willtimeheal]

Once removed... .
I don’t fully understand what you are trying to say. I want to understand. I know the relationship fell apart because of both of us. I know my part and I take responsibility for it. I spent years in therapy looking at myself and rebuilding myself. I was no saint and I allowed things and played the game too. I was naive and stupid and thought People could never be so cruel. I thought people could change if you never gave up on them. In the process I lost myself and my morals and values. I looked at all of that and why I allowed it. I really like who I am now. Can you please explain out what you meant. I don’t quite get it. Thank you.

[truthbeknown]

Once removed... .
I don’t fully understand what you are trying to say. I want to understand. I know the relationship fell apart because of both of us. I know my part and I take responsibility for it. I spent years in therapy looking at myself and rebuilding myself. I was no saint and I allowed things and played the game too. I was naive and stupid and thought People could never be so cruel. I thought people could change if you never gave up on them. In the process I lost myself and my morals and values. I looked at all of that and why I allowed it. I really like who I am now. Can you please explain out what you meant. I don’t quite get it. Thank you.

I'm just going to chime in here and say i've had a big shift recently with this topic.  My ex reached out to me even though she is seeing someone new and i painfully had to put up a boundary and ask for no contact.  I did it respectfully because I needed to for me.  But i still couldn't understand why she couldn't value my traits as a human or as a man.  So several things played into why he might be the "better match for her" but here's where i made a big shift.   

I accepted a few days ago through a therapy session that she was a gift to me even if i wasn't a gift to her.  I was very very caught up on why i couldn't be a gift or have value to her.  And then it hit me, we can't force anyone to like the gifts we give them.  And some people aren't able to accept gifts no matter how great they are.  The gift i gave her was Love- pure and simple.  Not cars, not money, not materialistic things but Love.  and for the longest time i have been mourning that she did not want that and yet would take it from someone else?   The truth is, I don't know if he loves her or just thinks she's a great sex partner?  He might be using her?  they might be using each other? 

What i came to realize and acknowledge was that she was a gift to me.  In many ways before she turned to the dark side but the fact that i finally accepted that maybe this relationship was just for me to receive some of the good things from her that i loved was my gift.  I also realized that i WANTED to be the gift for her so much that i was attached to that.  I was attached to wanting to be this fantastic gift that she loved and wanted to cherish.  Not everyone likes gifts.  She may just like to give and is with a guy who takes more then gives? who knows? But the fact that she didn't want my gift is okay now.  Because i got into the place of realizing or accepting that the relationship was more for me then it was for her (or the possibility of that). 

I also came up with a train analogy.  I think alot of us are Train Stations and the borderlines are like trains. By nature they have to make multiple stops along a route and maybe my ex and your ex will stop for 1 year, 2 years or longer ?  but ultimately they want to give more then they want to receive.  Receiving is scary for them (i think).  So if someone is too good for them; they bail earlier.  My ex stayed with her husband for 20years but she was on AD's for 10 of those which subdued her.  With me she felt alive again until she got off AD's and then it led her down a very dark path. 

In summary I sort of get what OnceRemoved is saying about letting go of the fact that they are disordered and for me that was looking at the gifts that i received and accepting that the relationship was not for her but for me.  Weird but it has helped.  I guess i wasn't that good at receiving (being a giver) and letting go of needing her to accept my giving is what has helped.

[AustenJ]

so borderlines are like trains... .they steamroll all and there eventually is a train wreck. In my experience, that is correct.

[once removed]

I know the relationship fell apart because of both of us. I know my part and I take responsibility for it. I spent years in therapy looking at myself and rebuilding myself. I was no saint and I allowed things and played the game too. I was naive and stupid and thought People could never be so cruel. I thought people could change if you never gave up on them. In the process I lost myself and my morals and values. I looked at all of that and why I allowed it. I really like who I am now. 

I think I am waiting for her relationship to crash and burn so it confirms I am not the crazy one. I know I am not crazy but there is this piece of me that wants/needs that validation. It just pisses me off to think she is happy and that after all those years with me and all the work -someone else gets the benefits of the “fixed” her. Even though I know she can’t be fixed.

from where im sitting, these are two very different perspectives. in simple terms, the first one is detached. it says "ya know, we both loved each other, we both tried, and sometimes relationships just dont work out no matter how badly both parties want it. though i wish it could have been different, ive accepted that, and over time, ive worked to become at peace with it. i also know i contributed my share of dysfunction in the relationship, and im at the point where im taking that, along with what else has become useful in my journey, examined it, shifted to a healthier model, and im trying to take that into healthy relationships in the future.

the second one is attached. it says "i tried so hard. why wasnt i enough? i was enough, it was her with the problem, not me. but that doesnt quite ring true to me because shes found someone else and that hurts. wasnt i enough? the answer depends on how her relationship goes."

which of these perspectives is closer to how you feel?

[willtimeheal]

Once removed,
I am closer to the first explanation. I spent years rebuilding myself and accepting the reasons why I allowed what happen to happen. But I do get stuck sometimes. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel and not even blink.

[tryingsome]

But I do get stuck sometimes. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel and not even blink.

It becomes easier for them. I believe cruelty isn't something just born in onself. It starts early and is used as a crutch to relieve pain.
Eventually it becomes a natural way to cope, and easy way out for facing pain.