Depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration, pain. I am heartbroken.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

so, everything is going very smoothly with the breakup.  Cordial emails are separating our things and arranging an uncontested divorce.

Why do I feel slighted?  I was ready for a fight.  Why do I feel like he should have tried harder to "keep me"?  I guess he is done and that is that.  It makes me feel really cheap and disposable.  I know I gave him my all.  

I am struggling with depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration, pain.  I am heartbroken.  I know that he can't be the man that I want him to be.  

He seems just fine to walk away from me, and more importantly, my daughter that he has been a step-dad to for 9 years, and in her life for 11 years.  She has known him most of her life.  And he is just going to leave, not say a word to her, and just disappear?  Just another a**hole man in her life.  I'm so angry about that.  she deserves better.  I deserve better.  I know it is a good thing.  I'm just having a hard time with the fact that he can just leave so easily.  No contact for 2 weeks except for arrangements for him to get his things from the house.  Of course he wished my daughter a happy birthday, but that doesn't count for s***.  

I guess I just needed to vent for a minute.  Thanks for listening.

[lotus74]

so, everything is going very smoothly with the breakup.  Cordial emails are separating our things and arranging an uncontested divorce.

Why do I feel slighted?  I was ready for a fight.  Why do I feel like he should have tried harder to "keep me"?  I guess he is done and that is that.  It makes me feel really cheap and disposable.  I know I gave him my all.  

I am struggling with depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration, pain.  I am heartbroken.  I know that he can't be the man that I want him to be.  

He seems just fine to walk away from me, and more importantly, my daughter that he has been a step-dad to for 9 years, and in her life for 11 years.  She has known him most of her life.  And he is just going to leave, not say a word to her, and just disappear?  Just another a**hole man in her life.  I'm so angry about that.  she deserves better.  I deserve better.  I know it is a good thing.  I'm just having a hard time with the fact that he can just leave so easily.  No contact for 2 weeks except for arrangements for him to get his things from the house.  Of course he wished my daughter a happy birthday, but that doesn't count for s***.  

I guess I just needed to vent for a minute.  Thanks for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi lotus74,

I’m sorry to hear that. There’s a period after seperation where emotions run high and sometimes exes vent and take it out on each other. Detachment isn’t one size fits all, I think that his avoidance with you and your D11 is probably because it’s too emotional for him. I’m not saying this to lessen the importance of what you’re going Im just saying that it’s hard on him under the surface.

I directed a lot of anger towards my ex she as well but she really avoided me, I’m a reminder of another failed r/s in a long string of failures.

You feel like fighting, everyone is different. I’m really sorry that your D11 is going through this he’s an attachment for her and it’s not fair for her. Do you think that she needs talk about it with someone? Is she depressed, anxious? Keep us updated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, lotus74, Like Mutt, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  It's normal to experience a range of emotions in the aftermath of a b/u and I find it healthy that you are acknowledging your feelings.  It seems like you are frustrated by what your Ex is or isn't doing, yet that's something beyond your control so I suggest you let it go.  You can only control you.  I have a saying, "Put your energy where your power is," which usually means just working on oneself.  When in doubt, you might want to consult the Serenity Prayer.

Keep us posted and hang in there,

LuckyJim

[lotus74]

Hi Mutt and Lucky Jim,

Thank you for your replies.  On Sunday my D16 told me that she is having symptoms of depression, anxiety, and has had a moment of thinking about self harm.  I am in the process of finding her a therapist.  She says that she has lost respect for my uBPDh and is ready to move on from him, but I know that the years of his criticisms and emotional manipulation have taken a toll.  I'm so angry with myself that I did not do more to protect her from him and know that this has taken a toll on her too.  How could I have let that happen?  I feel like I sacrificed her childhood to keep "peace" in the house.  I'm really sad about that. 

[Mutt]

Don’t beat yourself up. I looked at your first post and you care about your D16 and tried to repair the r/s between uBPDh. A r/s takes two people don’t blame yourself for his actions we can’t heal everything for our kids you’re doing what is necessary by looking for a T.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm so angry with myself that I did not do more to protect her from him and know that this has taken a toll on her too.  How could I have let that happen?  I feel like I sacrificed her childhood to keep "peace" in the house.  I'm really sad about that.

Hey lotus74, I can understand your sadness so experience it and let it pass through you.  The reality is, as Mutt points out, you did your best.  A lot of what happens in a BPD r/s is beyond one's control and often more than a person can handle, so don't take it all on your back.  That you are helping to find a T for her shows that you care.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lotus74,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling guilt on top of the heartache.  We can really beat ourselves up for a lot in the aftermath of a BPD breakup.  I felt very guilty for allowing my son to come into contact with my ex, as although he was for the most part sheltered from the dysfunction, what culminated at the end made up for that in trauma for him.  We can't always know what will happen and can't always see the big picture when we are so enmeshed in a disordered r/s.  We can only make it right when we do. 

Try to go easy on yourself and show yourself the same compassion you are for your D16.  By the sounds of it you've both been through a lot and you deserve the same opportunity to work through your feelings regards all of this.  Have you seen your doctor about the depression and anxiety?  I hope you'll keep posting here so we can support you at this time.  Do you also have a therapist for yourself?  If not, I'd suggest finding one for you as you look for one for D16.  Let us know how you're doing.  We care.

Love and light x

[lotus74]

Hi Harley Quinn

I haven't been to see a doctor yet about my depression and anxiety.  I do have an appointment set up with a therapist on Monday after work. 

Thank you for all the support.  I really don't know what I would do without all the caring people on this board.  I know in my head that I'm going to be alright in the end.  It just hurts so much right now.  I'm trying to show myself compassion and engage in activities that are healthy and good for me.  Right now it's all I can do to get out of bed, go to work, and try to seem to have it a little bit together in front of my daughter.  I have found some good therapists for her and am working with her dad to get an appointment scheduled for her.

[Harley Quinn]

Getting out of bed, going to work and keeping it together in front of your daughter is all very demanding stuff when you're going through what you are, so see it as a feat that you're achieving this.  Baby steps add up.  It's important to be kind and accepting of yourself whilst you are dealing with what you are.  Perhaps seeing the doctor for some support will also allow you to feel able to handle everyday things more easily. 

Great news on the therapist situation.  That's one less thing to put yourself under pressure over.    If what you need to do right now is get plenty of rest, that's OK.  Likewise, if what you need to do is to keep yourself busy to distract that's OK too.  We all must do what is right for us.  Keep us posted on how you're doing and any developments.

Love and light x