Long marriage, heavy drinking/lying BPD husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello
I’m new to this site.  I have been married to a formerly highly functioning BPD husband.  Throughout our 40 years together, he has been generally difficult, dishonest, and physically, financially and emotionally abusive to me.  He claims to love me and wants to stay married.  He can be flirty and charming, but he is unable to connect fully in a deeper, more mature love connection.  Currently, he seems to be a reckless teen, boisterous, loud, smoking pot and drinking... .formerly he was a light drinker, reserved in public, and careful in his public behavior (for the most part)  Since retiring on a psych disability three years ago (he was a successful surgeon), he has survived prostate cancer surgery and has a penile implant.  He is very sad about his situation.  He did not drink much at all during the first 30 years of our marriage, but he has been drinking heavily on and off for the past 10/12 years.  Recently he blames his drinking on wanting to numb himself, so he doesn’t have to deal with his illness and half yearly cancer blood test.  I have been an overly involved spouse, always supporting his career, family relations and reputation.  I do everything I can for him and always did.  I hoped with the right meds, therapy and support he would be declared free of symptoms.  Unfortunately, he prefers to drink over taking one of his meds.  On many evenings, he sits in his car for many hours, blasting the radio and drinking beer... .and he smokes pot at times (still illegal in NJ)! I’m not sure if I can help him anymore.  He is going down hill and I can’t get through to him.  Any advice?

[Ms. Endure]

Hello
I’m new to this site.  I have been married to a formerly highly functioning BPD husband.  Throughout our 40 years together, he has been generally difficult, dishonest, and physically, financially and emotionally abusive to me.  He claims to love me and wants to stay married.  He can be flirty and charming, but he is unable to connect fully in a deeper, more mature love connection.  Currently, he seems to be a reckless teen, boisterous, loud, smoking pot and drinking... .formerly he was a light drinker, reserved in public, and careful in his public behavior (for the most part)  Since retiring on a psych disability three years ago (he was a successful surgeon), he has survived prostate cancer surgery and has a penile implant.  He is very sad about his situation.  He did not drink much at all during the first 30 years of our marriage, but he has been drinking heavily on and off for the past 10/12 years.  Recently he blames his drinking on wanting to numb himself, so he doesn’t have to deal with his illness and half yearly cancer blood test.  I have been an overly involved spouse, always supporting his career, family relations and reputation.  I do everything I can for him and always did.  I hoped with the right meds, therapy and support he would be declared free of symptoms.  Unfortunately, he prefers to drink over taking one of his meds.  On many evenings, he sits in his car for many hours, blasting the radio and drinking beer... .and he smokes pot at times (still illegal in NJ)! I’m not sure if I can help him anymore.  He is going down hill and I can’t get through to him.  Any advice?

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[Mutt]

Hi Ms. Endure,



I’d like to welcome you to the family. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going though this in you marriage. It has to feel depressing and hopeless when a drinking problem turns into a decade old problem. I would think that there is no end in sight.

From what you said I think that you belong here you will get good ideas from posting and reading others’s posts. You’re not alone.

It sounds like he’s depressed, has ever been treated for depression? How about you have you seen a T you went through a lot of abuse. What’s your support system like in real life can you turn to someone if you needed to?

[Harri]

Hi Ms. Endure and welcome to the site.  Your situation sounds quite stressful.  It must be difficult for the both of you to have such a huge change in life.  I know a bit of what your husband is experiencing in terms of being out of work.  I had to stop working about 5 years ago due to physical disabilities and it has been very difficult to find purpose, meaning and fulfillment.  It did not help an already present deep depression either.  Is your husband under treatment for his psych disability?  Or on meds for depression (I am assuming he is depressed)?  Can you share his diagnosis?

I basically have the same questions Mutt asked about the kind of support you have.  What you describe is quite difficult for a spouse to experience so self-care is vital. 

I’m not sure if I can help him anymore.  He is going down hill and I can’t get through to him.  Any advice?

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to shift your focus to caring for yourself and to stop rescuing him from his own behavior. 

Please let us know how things are going and share any of your thoughts. We are here to listen and give support.