What Are You Doing For Mother's Day?

[Turkish]

Mother's Day passed in the UK last month on March 11th. In the USA and Canada,  it's coming up May 13th. What is everybody doing in reaching out to their mothers,  or not,  and how do you feel about your choice? We've already had threads pop up about this,  as is normal here on the PSI board. I'd be especially interested in newbies and lurkers (we are all safe and anonymous here  .

Given I share kids with my ex,  I'm also in the dynamic regarding the kids' mother,  my ex.  It might be similar for siblings of pwBPD here as well,  if the sibling has kids and you have nephews and nieces.

Me?

My ex has the kids this mother's day weekend, her first in four years due to the custody schedule (MD and FD aren't holidays in the order).  I'm thinking of taking the kids the next weekend to make the two hour drive to visit my mom.  She'd like that and the kids would also.  I'll take my ex and the kids or to lunch after church, probably get her a card signed by the kids,  6 and 8, and a gift card. She did that for me last father's day. I had the, make her a card the first year that we split, just to do what I thought was the right thing even though I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her at the time.  

[AnaiD]

Your plan sounds like a day well spent, i think your mom will like it!

I am not doing anything, having some motherly issues right now.

Sometimes I think these days shouldnt exist... .Mothers day, fathers day, womans day, valentines day... .Why?  There is this social pressure associated to these dates, you have to do something special, get some gift... .People will ask you about it... .

We should celebrate whatever positive aspect of life we have whenever we want and as much as possible

[Harri]

I probably won't do anything this year.  I haven't since my mother died in 2007.  Same thing after my father died in 2009.  Prior to their deaths I had stopped doing all celebrating of this Hallmark holiday.  No card, no gift, no dinners.  Maybe a Happy mother's day if I happened to see her, but that was it.

For the first time since she died I am actually thinking of going to the cemetery.  My parents are next to each other in the same niche.  LOL  When we put my mothers urn in the box thing (name?) my dad made a big fuss about how they had one right next to their two for me.  I remember feeling enraged that they would assume I would want to be near them for all eternity.  I said nothing tho as it would have been pointless and at that time i was living with my father.  Lately though I have been thinking about that.  I don't want to be near them.  so I am thinking I can go and find out the info I need and start the process of selling that niche (whatever it is called).  Seems like a fitting way to spend mothers day... .undoing the assumptions and controlling behaviors of my abusive parents.  

Call it my final Hell No.  Seems I finally have something worth celebrating on that day.

Edit:  Oh yeah... .happy Mother's Day!   

[GaGrl]

Turkish, there was a point after our divorce that we no longer tried to do Mother's Day and Father's Day together. Are you anticipating that might happen at some point for you?

[Learning2Thrive]

This year, I will celebrate the mother I need to be for myself... .and celebrate that I can be that person despite all my weaknesses, frailties and shortcomings.

 I will allow myself to remember the rare and wonderful moments with her when I was small and treasure my innocent heart accepting that I genuinely loved my mother as a child.

I am thankful she gave me life. I wish her love and peace in what remains of her life, knowing that we will never speak again in this life because it is not safe for me. This is my choice and my voice.

This year I will soak in a lovely bath, light a candle... .or a few... .and give thanks for the essence of life and the possibilities of adventure and discovery that await. Then, perhaps a lovely bike ride and/or a hike with my sweet pup.

Love and peace to all. It is within you.

[Turkish]

AnaiD: I'm with you.  I couldn't care less about father's day.  :)oing nothing given what's going on in your life is certainly a good thing to do fit you right now it sounds like.  

Harri: I thought of you when I posted this.  There are others here whose parent or parents are deceased. Visiting their remains might be a good idea.  You can take measurements of your plot and post on ebay,  perhaps? Is ostuary the word you're looking for?

My mom said that she has a plot next to her parents back in her home state.  I wouldn't want to put her next to her beating, raping, ASPD father. She told me a number of years ago that she wanted to be cremated and put next to her husband on her property. She ruined my memory of the closest father figure I ever had by telling me years after he died that he had raped his own two daughters. Even so,  I'll try to respect her wishes. I'll have to get permission from whoever buys the property. If I were a single guy with no kids,  I'd do a nighttime infiltration from the creek,  but I don't want to get shot.  The kids might not be happy.  

Gagrl I've had the kids for the past 4 years on MD and FD. Last year was the first time I invited her or to lunch. After Year 1, she mirrored by actions and got me a card and a gift card.  Or it could have been the reverse, I honestly don't remember and don't want to pat myself on the back unreservedly.

The kids have money from birthdays.  I should have them spend it on their mom.  In my mind,  it's teaching the kids,  not about me.  This year,  she'll have the kids.  Since she brings them to church most of her Sundays,  it will likely result in lunch.  I don't mind buying, even if she owes me $1500 for S8's ABA Therapy and registration for summer camp (I pay one,  she pays the other).

If I visit my mom the week after MD, my mom likely won't know the difference. Truthfully, the kids will provide "cover" for me.  

Learning2Thrive: That's beautiful and strong  

[GeekyGirl]

Mother's Day can be so painful. I'll definitely keep the folks here, along with my friends who have experienced the loss of child or their beloved mother, in my thoughts.

I'm NC with my mother (her choice), so I probably won't see any of my family of origin (FOO). My DH and DS do try to make it special, usually with dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, some time outside (usually May is GORGEOUS where we live) and best of all... .no chores whatsover. Usually I'll put the guys to work in the garden.

I like Learning2Thrive's idea. Even though MD can be difficult, it's always a good idea to be kind to yourself and look for healthy ways to take care of yourself. 

[Fie]

My both parents are NC with me, so there will be nothing there.
I will probably get a present from my daughter, made at school (hope so !  ;-)... .then, probably we'll have a normal day. I mean, it's all commercial anyway  

There was a time I used to get really anxious around this time of the year. I'm sure other people here recognize that feeling.
My parents' choice was, as I was putting up more boundaries, to stay away from me. As much as that has hurt me, in the end it might be for the best. And I mean, my mother does not deserve a present anyway. It's *mothers*day right. She never really was a mother to me.

[Harri]

Turkish, hahaha about posting the plot on ebay!  A small detour in conversation --->  did you know you can buy a casket from Walmart?  I kid you not!  They deliver them right to the funeral home!  How convenient and thrifty!  I think they have urns too.  I just may get one to make things easier for my bro!  

In previous years I have spent mothers day honoring myself, honoring my inner child for being so brilliant in coming up with some pretty cool and effective survival and coping strategies    I have spent time remembering and cherishing the good parts of my childhood and being thankful for them.  This year though, I see this particular plan as another way to cut the invisible emotional ties that still bind me to her even with her dead.  On the surface it may not seem all zen like, and full of higher power stuff but it is for me.  Incorporating the anger and rage I used to be afraid of and used to deny in with the love and compassion I feel for her *is* healthy.  

Turkish, I hope when father's day comes around you allow your kids and your admiring fans to celebrate you.  Fie, Wools, GeekyGirl, Learning2Thrive, and every other mother here who has managed to do more than just have kids, same for you!  Cherish your daughters and sons and cherish and honor the woman and Mother *you* have all created yourself to be.   There, I even used a capital M on Mother for you all.  If honoring yourself means allowing yourself to feel sad, or angry or to sell off your burial plot in the family crypt and then doing a happy dance, go for it!  

[sklamath]

I love reading the ways you are caring for yourselves for Mothers Day! I am going to plan to visit a favorite museum.

I am not planning to see Mom, even though I will be within a reasonable drive of my parents' house. We haven't been in contact since Easter--her last rage incident, after which I figured out that it's uBPD we're dealing with. I just dropped a letter in the mail today to start the dialog around what's going on in the relationship, letting her know I love her and am finding T helpful, and encouraging her to seek T as well. I am worried that contact at this point in the form of Mothers Day brunch would be inadvertently rewarding her last tantrum... .Is that off base?

So I picked out a pretty card that didn't include any sentiments that I don't feel. I'm sure some people actually have the "best"/"always there for me"/etc. moms... .but some of us don't, and that's OK.

[Harri]

Hi sklamath.

I am going to plan to visit a favorite museum.

Great idea!  I love museums.  So peaceful and full of beauty.

I am worried that contact at this point in the form of Mothers Day brunch would be inadvertently rewarding her last tantrum... .Is that off base?

I don't think it is off base  at all.  Your letter sounds quite nice and i hope she receives  it well and responds  in   kind. 

Blank cards are perfect to send to BPD moms. 

Let us know how it goes (both with mothers day and with the letter)

[Woolspinner2000]

The only one I have left in my family for MD is my step mom who sold my dad's place and all his things and said she'd never be back. I'm not too excited about getting her a card, but I'll send one that's generic.

This year I think I'm actually interested in celebrating myself as a mom, and how far I've come. I can actually begin to feel proud of myself for how far I've traveled in my journey to healing, celebrating that I'm finally really getting to know myself for who I am.   

My mom wanted to be cremated, and I think my siblings and step dad have the ashes, but I don't want any. That's okay with me! 

For each of you that have chosen to be a better mom, one with kindness and healing in your touch, may you celebrate your courage and strength!

 
Wools

[joanlee]

I am taking my little dog to McCall to stay in a cabin for the weekend. My son and DIL are not speaking to me, so I have no interest in staying around. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and to me, it's just another day!

[Turkish]

It's good to see the self care theme here, especially with some who are mothers themselves 

I was invited my the ex-laws to go a little out of town to celebrate: my ex, her sister, their mom,  two of their SILs who had babies last year.  I demurred. It would be halfway to where my mom is also. I like all of those people more than my ex,  but I spend too much time with her anyway.  Her weekend with the kids.  My weekend with me.

[Learning2Thrive]

Her weekend with the kids.  My weekend with me.

Turkish, it’s good to see you are planning on spending some much needed time with you. I hope you will deeply nurture your AWESOME and AMAZING inner little Turk.

I didn’t mention before, but I was actually born on Mother’s Day. Sick... .but true story.

Obviously, my birthday is not on MD this year, but as I was also the eldest child to my narcissistic mother, not even my birthday was ever mine... .it was ALWAYS her day, as well as Mother’s Day when it fell on a different day. And she was never satisfied unless she could shame her children to tears publicly on their birthday(s). I imagine you or others here know something about that type of behavior or some variation.

As I have aged, I have started practicing staking my claim both on my birthday and on MD. I celebrate that she gave me life and I am thankful she didn’t kill me but that’s where I end focusing on her. It was so terribly sad grieving what could have been. But I have accepted it... .mostly. It’s a process and I always seem to find new levels I need to work through. I work hard to disengage from spending any more time or energy trying to understand someone who is insane; someone whose behavior is dangerous; someone who delights in delivering pain to her own children by using her own grandchildren as pawns in some sick gotcha game.  I am worth my time more than she is. I didn’t cause her sickness. I can not control her sickness. I sure as hell can not cure her sickness and no amount of throwing myself under more buses ever will.

I primarily use bicycling as my escape and healing. Training to do long rides (50 - 100 miles plus per day) helps me heal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There is nothing more empowering to me than pedalling down the road under my own power. I can focus. I can get stronger. I can go farther. Breathe it in. Feel the sun on my face, the breeze on my skin. Smell freshly mown alfalfa fields or freshly baked pastries as I pedal along. There is good in this life: SO MUCH GOOD.

Seek and you will find the awesomeness that is within you. We are worthy of love and kindness. Especially our own.

Sending you kind, healing and peaceful thoughts, Turkish... .and all who are reading along. YOU are worthy. You ARE worthy. You are WORTHY. Every day. Even when you don’t feel like it.

Thanks again for the question/topic, Turkish. I hope your day with you is filled with self loving kindness and lots of your favorite things.

[Turkish]

Thanks L2T, thanks to and for all of us here 

I have two bikes in the garage.  S8 is resisting getting on hr BMX type bike; it's just a little to big for him,  and I'm big for it.  I have an adult sized bike. I bought both from the neighbor for $70. They threw in knobbies for mine for free.  We need to get out on those things!

[Angie59]

Dreading it.

Angie59

[MissAlwaysWrong]

This is my first mother's day after learning that my mom is uBPD. I moved out and that was when the real rage came through. We "speak" on and off every few months, and when I say speak I mean she yells at me because I ruined her life and the family because I moved out before she was ready for me to. (Side note I was 25 y.o at the time). I had flowers, a card, and some old family photos delivered to her job yesterday in hopes of opening up some dialogue since I haven't seen her since January. She invited me over to her house. I tried being really positive and encouraging change so we could have a relationship again, but it didn't seem like she wanted to. She barley looked at me or spoke. I have no idea if I am spending mothers day with her or not.

[JNChell]

Both of my parents are deceased. If my adoptive mother was still alive, I’d likely not contact her at this point, but who really knows. I’ll be spending MD tying up any loose ends on the townhouse I’ve gotten for S3 and I. Of course, he’ll be with his mom and half sister this weekend. I have a six day weekend with him next week, so I want to have the new place as in order as I can for him. He excited to cook with me and take a bubble bath in the new, jetted garden tub.  I hope that all of you are able to have peace this weekend. Bless you all.

[Penny123]

Hello All, Mother's Day and her birthday (June 24th) are hard. First, it's hard to select a card for my BPDMom that I still have a rocky relationship with. I see all these beautiful, meaningful, deep, precious store Mom's Day and Birthday cards in front of me and I go through most of them, placing them back in their spot. Nodding my head no, that's not us and feeling sad it isn't. My Mom lives six hours away so when I mail a card/present/money, there is a chance it can be sent back to me (if she is angry with me at the time). She says she has to feel like it's sent with love. Sometimes she is sending me back much needed checks to live because she has bullied and harassed me for them. She has not spent her income/savings money well. I look at Facebook and see all the great postings/pictures on Mother's Day. Every year, I pick a picture of us to post and I end up not posting because of the fight we are having. This is usually what happens every year and this year hasn't been any different.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I plan to call my mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Other than that, as a mom, I don't have any plans or expectations. I've never been a fan of these holidays.

I really hope my ex (BPD\NPD) does nothing this year. He was emotionally abusive and still is. It's been a few years and he still rages at me periodically. The last rage just a few days ago.

Last year I asked him nicely to NOT do anything for me even though he asked because the kids said something to him. I also told the kids I truly wanted NOTHING. For me, I'd much rather have a nice quiet relaxing day. I do not need or want presents. I'm not materialistic. If anything I'd much rather have a homemade card from them. Something they put some time, thought, effort, creativity, themselves into.

So what happened last year? He dropped off flowers and chocolate at my doorstep. During our marriage, that's what he did every single year. Flowers and chocolate. Like a checkbox. It didn't matter if I asked for a quiet relaxing day. Nope. It had to be flowers and chocolate. I can't even eat chocolate anymore due to digestive issues. He knows this. The kids know this. Then he face-time'd our oldest to make sure I got it. I felt extremely angry and rightfully so. Hell, I even cried in the bathroom! My wishes were ignored. I said no and he did it anyway. Why? Who knows and I'm not sure I even care. I've never been the type of person to say "no" but secretly wish "yes". When I say no, I truly mean no. I gave the chocolate to the kids and put the flowers on top of the fridge where I didn't have to see them. I felt angry because he tends to (or tries to) bulldoze over my boundaries often. It's frustrating and sometimes infuriating. I hope it's different this year and he just leaves me alone. That in itself would be the best present.

[CollectedChaos]

Hello all!

I'll be spending MD with my H and my inlaws.  It will be nice to celebrate a mom who is worthy of celebration  

MD growing up always ended in my mom being upset that my brother and I didn't do enough for her (we were kids!  homemade cards and breakfast in bed was about all we could manage) and would lock herself in her bedroom.  We'd cry for hours at the door begging for her to come out, slip her drawings and food through the crack under the door... .just a mess.  Eventually she would come out but would completely ignore us.  The next day she would act like everything was great and it never happened.  Needless to say, I am happy to no longer have to deal with that! 

[Panda39]

I will most likely celebrate Mother's Day with my son on Saturday, because everyone and their mother are literally out and about on Sunday!  We will probably go out for some kind of treat and spend some time in the sun and dirt at the Community Garden we joined this year.

I usually spend some time here on Mother's Day supporting folks that struggle with the day.

My SO will be spending the day with his daughter's who will not be seeing their uBPDmom... .I usually send a message supporting them in whatever they decide is best for them in terms of seeing their mom or not.

My mom lives out of State and flowers are on the way  

I see a lot of good ideas in this thread, love all the self-care in them.  Wishing everyone (if not a Happy) a tolerable Mother's Day.

Panda39

PS Sending     to little CollectedChaos what a lousy way to treat you and your brother... .a homemade card and breakfast in bed are an awesome Mother's Day gift!