Husband refusing to get help

[Anna63]

Hello Everyone,

To be honest, I'm a little nervous writing this. My husband shows 7 out of the 9 traits for BPD but is un-diagnosed. He refuses to go to counseling (due to financial stress, so he says). We've been together for five years and it has gotten progressively worse, and we've only been married for two years. In the past four weeks we've had 5 major arguments over things that are small or merely what I would call annoying (like our puppy having an accident on our carpet, the house being messy, the fact we can't spend a lot of money eating out, and etc). Now I get the frustration with all these things, it's not like I enjoy cleaning up after our puppy, or being broke, but he will go 0-90 in about 30 seconds then the rage sets in. He claims I do not participate in the argument, that I "stonewall" him, or try to trap him in circles which I don't believe I do, at the same time, I can't have a rational conversation with his rage. He's erratic, irrational, volatile (screaming, throwing things, destroying property etc) he's never hit me nor threatened to harm me or our animals. He does say "I should just myself" frequently. When this happens, I find myself getting angry, I'm thinking "You're trying to manipulate me, scare me into complying with whatever it is you want me to do" which always is apologize. To him, it's my "stonewalling and immature fighting behavior" that drives him to react like that, to treat me like that. Then we argue more, because I won't accept responsibility for something that isn't my responsibility (like his behavior and choices). And then the fight will go on like that for hours until I'm worn out and apologize just to get him to stop.

I'm exhausted, we're both only in our twenties and the fact that we've only been married for two years makes me sad. I just didn't expect it to fall apart so quickly, especially since we had lived together for three years before tying the knot.  My parents want me to leave, they're afraid he's dangerous, I personally don't feel that way but then again I'm too involved to see it with clarity I suppose. I don't want to leave, but I also want to leave. I love him, but I don't like him. I never know when he's going to snap, it makes me anxious, paranoid and angry.

I'm planning on going to counseling as soon as I can, but I'm also dreading that conversation because it's going to set him off. I'm just so tired of fighting.

I don't know how to navigate through this, especially when he just says "I'll just fix myself". I've heard that for two years, and I told him "If you could do that without help, you would have been able to do that by now" but he refuses anyways.

So really, any help at this point would be amazing. I feel like I'm going to snap.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Anna63,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you here, I'm glad that you decided to join us. I can understand that it would be difficult to talk about these things, it's hard to talk about in real life, family and friends don't get it or if they do they can't completely understand although their hearts are in the right place.

I think that you'll find a lot of parallels with other members ( including me ) have similar stories. You're not alone. This is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated or judged. We're not doctors and can't diagnose only a professional can do that what we can look at are BPD traits, how did you find out about BPD? What do you typically do when he goes into a borderline rage?

[Harri]

Hi Anna.  I want to join Mutt in welcoming you to the board.  There are a lot of members here who can relate and in turn can help support you as you work your way through this tough relationship.  You found a great supportive place that has a lot of wise and caring individuals.  As you read and post more you will see this first hand.

Those circular conversations that go no where or end up with you just apologizing out of exhaustion sound very familiar.  We have some communication strategies and tools you can learn to use that will help you to stay out of those sorts of arguments and can possibly prevent a minor incident from escalating.  One in particular I think you might want to start with is Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend explain.  Often times we try to JADE in an effort to reduce or end the conflict but what happens is that the conflict escalates because the pw BPD (person with BPD) see it as invalidating and will then become even more upset.  When we combine Don't Jade with Validation, often there can be a big change in the course of the conversation.  When I first started here, I had a hard time with Validation wondering why I had to cater to the pwBPDs needs instead of them just being a responsible for their own emotions.  It took a long time for me to get over that and realize that while the tools help the person with BPD they are really for my own benefit.  Here is another article that includes examples of Validation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

We have lots more article here that can help you but I thought these were a good place to start.  You can also look over on the right hand side of the page where you will find a list of articles most helpful for people trying to better or work on their relationship with a pwBPD.  I hope you find them helpful.  sometimes between reading the posts, posting your own stuff and reading the articles can be a bit overwhelmed so take your time.  Read and post as you feel like it. 

Oh and I almost forgot to mention the most important part.  Often the best and only way you can help your husband is to start helping yourself by working on you, learning the tools and skills we talk about here and even getting into therapy as a source of learning and support.  Often times we bring our own issues into the relationship and while they may not be disordered, they may not be helpful in terms of interacting with our spouses or pwBPD.

I do hope you spend some time reading and sharing more of your story.

Take care.