Left Wife, Physical Abuse Ongoing

[Papa]

Hi. I don't know what to say. I'll try to be brief but probably won't manage it.

I have been married to my wife for twenty five years, but left her last September, because I had felt unwanted and unloved for most of my marriage. My wife had been wonderful in the first six months of our engagement, but then she suddenly went far away - she didn't want intimacy any-more 'until we were married' and blamed me that we'd had intimacy during our engagement, but before this she'd been so forward. At about the same time, just after we'd signed for our first home, she 'lost her job', so I ended up paying for everything on my voluntary sector wage - things were very tight. And she was very unhappy and angry. She hit me and physically attacked me many times in the first year or two, though never causing any serious harm. At around the same time, she began to be resentful of my family, my work, my friends. I should have called off the engagement then. I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe I was afraid of failure. Maybe it was my faith. Mostly, I think I just wanted the wonderful girl I'd got engaged to, to come back and hoped she would when we were married. But she never did.

For the rest of our lives together, my wife said she loved me but almost always seemed to push me away. She said I was 'the best person in the world', then she'd tear me apart and denigrate me, my work, my family. I felt controlled and my wife constantly had grievances with my family and friends. After six years I was ready for divorce, when against all odds she became pregnant. I could not leave and felt trapped and hopeless. I tried with every ounce of will I had for the next decade to try and make things work, to make a happy and secure home for our kids and to make my wife feel valued and loved and secure, in the vain hope she would love me back. But underneath it all, the problems persisted. I became increasingly isolated from my friends and family over the years, because of my wife's difficult behaviour.

After 18 years, I fell in love with someone else and had an affair. But I did not feel I could leave - my wife had no income and I could not provide for two homes. I could not have imagined what would happen to my children if I had left, especially my oldest child who has complex special educational needs. After two years, we ended the affair.

My eldest has now made it into university, against all the odds and my youngest is in her last year of school. Our 25th wedding anniversary was also my 50th birthday. I couldn't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life like the last twenty five years. I left my wife in September, after she hit me in August. (She hit me when I said she had not kissed me for 20 years - the problem for her was not that we hadn't kissed for two decades, but that I had been so horrible as to say it). She also attacked my motorbike and caused hundreds of pounds of damage to it.

For two months I felt entirely lost and unsure of what I should do. My wife was desperate for me to come back and I was very close to doing it. Then I found this article on emotional abuse https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional_abuse/. I was so shocked - every single sentence could have been written about me. And all the things I was struggling to understand were presented as a coherent whole. I knew I could never go back.

I've since read 'say goodbye to crazy' and 'stop caretaking the borderline... .' and see my wife's behaviour (and my unhelpful responses over the years) reflected quite clearly in the pages. I'm worried how to help my children, especially my daughter and want to get 'understanding the borderline mother' to help me help her.

In March, it was my daughters 18th birthday. She had a party at our family home and asked me if I could give one of her friends a lift home in the snow (I have a 4x4). I did and my wife was all 'your the kindest man in the whole world, what a lovely dad... .' then when I dropped my daughter back to my wife after taking her friend home, my wife suddenly began to get agitated. I calmly said 'I can't talk about that now... .goodnight... .' and went to go home. My wife slammed the door on me VERY HARD - trapping and breaking my index finger in the lock. I've had major surgery on my hand and just had the steel taken out of the bone this weekend.

[Harri]

Hi Papa and welcome to the site.  I am so glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  You have landed in a place where we understand and many of us have faced the same challenges you described in your post. 

I don't normally post on this board as my pwBPD (person with BPD was my mother--actually she had traits of BPD).  I do want to say that the book you mentioned "understanding the Borderline Mother" is and excellent book though I found it emotionally difficult to read.  I do think it is good as a parent to read the book as many of the issues the kids face can be pretty complex and difficult.  Have they ever been in therapy?  What about you?  Even now that you left, you could be experiencing a lot of difficult emotional issues that might need the help of an expert.

About your broken finger and other times your ex physically abused you, have you ever pressed charges or thought of it?  A broken finger requiring surgery and a metal plate?  That is a pretty serious break.  What did your ex do?  Have you ever sought help for domestic violence?

We have a lot of articles that discuss healing, detaching and some offer tools and skills that can aid your communications with your ex.  Look over on the right side of the page and you will see a list of links that you can start with.  We have even more articles though, this place is HUGE!

I hope to see more of you here.  Like I said, a lot of people can relate to your situation.  Some are just starting their journey and others are further along.  We can all support you.  Things can and frequently do get better.

[Turkish]

Papa,

That's a serious injury.  Do you have a safety plan,  such as not being alone with her again? This might help,  even though you are separated:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

How are things now, beyond your healing finger? Did you tell the doctors it was an accident?

[Papa]

I do think it is good as a parent to read the book as many of the issues the kids face can be pretty complex and difficult.  Have they ever been in therapy?  What about you?  Even now that you left, you could be experiencing a lot of difficult emotional issues that might need the help of an expert.

Harri, thanks. My son has had counselling about dealing with the family break-up from university, and my daughter is going to see someone about the same things, through the support she has for ADD. But I haven't shared anything about my thoughts that my wife may have BPD or BPD traits, other than with my sister and our family GP. I also haven't shared with my children about my experience of emotional abuse, which I have only understood and named these last few months. I want counselling to help me undestand what/when/how is appropriate to share with my kids, without risking been seen to be demonising their mom or attempting to alienate her. (To be clear, I'm not doing that, but I want to help my kids understand, without risking being seen to be doing that). I am going to see a counsellor for the first time a week-on-wednesday, but I don't yet know whether/how experienced they will be about BPD type issues.

About your broken finger and other times your ex physically abused you, have you ever pressed charges or thought of it?  A broken finger requiring surgery and a metal plate?  That is a pretty serious break.  What did your ex do?  Have you ever sought help for domestic violence?

When the hospital staff asked how I had been injured, I told them the truth. They referred me to support from the domestic violence team. The domestic violence team suggested I report it to the police, so I did. The police subsequently interviewed my wife, though I don't yet know what the outcome of that was. I am planning to follow up with both the police and the domestic violence team, later this week. I can't quite believe my life has come to this. Although our relationship was fatally flawed, they were happy times too, especially with my children. I feel broken.

When my wife slammed the door on me, my finger was trapped in the locking mechanism. The door latched shut. My finger was cut deeply on three sides, the bones broken and stuck out of the skin. Deeply shocked, I yanked the door open, swore at my wife and shouted "you nearly cut my finger off!". The only thing my wife said was "I didn't do anything". Because of the snow, there was no possibility of getting an ambulance, or even a taxi to the hospital. I drove to my sisters, just a few minutes Down the road. She and her husband had drank some wine, so they couldn't take me to the hospital - she could come with me, but I had to drive myself there, through deep snow, with a broken and bleeding finger. It was two days before they could operate. Throughout all of this time, and until now, I've had no contact from my wife. She hasn't taken any responsibility for what she did, offered any apology, spoken, phoned, texted or sent any message, not even through my kids. The last and only think she said was "I didn't do anything".

We have a lot of articles that discuss healing, detaching and some offer tools and skills that can aid your communications with your ex.  Look over on the right side of the page and you will see a list of links that you can start with.  We have even more articles though, this place is HUGE!

Thanks. It's a bit overwhelming and I feel a bit lost, but there's clearly lots of really useful stuff in here. Thanks again for your support. Papa.

[Papa]

That's a serious injury.  Do you have a safety plan,  such as not being alone with her again?... .
How are things now, beyond your healing finger? Did you tell the doctors it was an accident?

Turkish, thanks. Yes, the medical team were quite emphatic that 'this was not a minor injury'. Both the domestic violence team and the police said that as there was no need for me to see my wife, I should not having any ongoing contact with her, such as entering the house when I collected or dropped off my daughter, and should not meet with her alone. I will be following this advice, and don't expect to accept or offer any communication with her other than writing, i.E.through email. (apologies for any at formatting or errors, I'm using dictation software as I struggle to type whilst I am regaining movement in my finger). I'm quite shocked not to have had any communication from her, through this time.

Beyond the finger and the slight sense of having slipped into an alternative reality (that involves surgical staff, domestic violence teams, the police, and having drastically reduced time with my children), I'm struggling. The children and my extended family don't really understand any of this. How could they? I'm only beginning to understand any of it myself.

I also suspect my wife has been quite effective in blaming our separation on my affair - that it is all my fault, as always. Although I know my children still love me deeply.

Equally unaware of the truth, some of my extended family blame me for having an affair and leaving my wife. But I have been able to tell some of my family the truth, and some of my old friends. And they have them wonderful and supportive.

Today I took my elderly mother out for lunch in the countryside. Despite advanced memory problems, she has been wonderful and repeatedly told me 'there's no point staying in an unhappy relationship'. And then I realised the white blossom we were looking at was Hawthorne, the Spring blossom, that always blooms at the time of my wedding anniversary (next Wednesday). And our children were born in 'Hawthorne cottage', our Beautiful little house in the country, where we lived when the children were very young. And I cried again. I still love my wife, though I cannot live with her or even see her anymore. And I deeply love my children and regret all the pain and distress this is causing them.

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I admire your courage at taking a look at your part in this relationship and doing everything to understand the interconnectedness of all that has happened: how it affects you and important people in your life. Thank you for the article on emotional abuse. I have read it and will keep it in my files, as so many of us need to know what the red flags for emotional abuse are: to avoid getting into another bad relationship and to be able to find a fulfilling caring relationship. You say you are still in love with your wife. I am wondering what being in love with your wife means, and how do you distinguish that from sexual attraction and the false charm that people sometimes put out so that they can get what they want. Please keep us up to date on what is going on, as many of us have been in similar situations so we understand as much as another human being can because indeed every situation is unique.

[Papa]

You say you are still in love with your wife. I am wondering what being in love with your wife means, and how do you distinguish that from sexual attraction and the false charm that people sometimes put out so that they can get what they want.

Zachira, thank you. It's a good question. I don't know what the answer is. I have always been attracted to my wife, although that rarely seem to be reciprocated. My wife charmed me, and is often charming to other people. I don't think I have been "in love" with my wife, for a very long time. But if Love is "laying down your life for your friend", then I have loved my wife all of my life.

[Harri]

Hi Papa.  I am glad to hear that you will be getting counseling for yourself and seek info on how to discuss things with your kids.  You may be surprised to find they know far more than about the situation than you think they do.  Either way, it is wise to get help for yourself.  You can't help them until you start helping yourself.

I cringe just reading about your injury and then to know you had to drive yourself to the hospital!  I am glad the doctors are aware of DV against men and that the police are taking it seriously.  You will find a lot of family and friends do not understand the depth of dysfunction.  We here can.  We may not have the exact same story but certainly enough things in common to be able to understand and support you during this confusing and unsettling time.  Let yourself cry as you feel the need.  I googled the Hawthorne flower and it is quite lovely.  Delicate yet strong. 

I hope you will be able to see your children soon.  Definitely heed the advice of the police and DV team about not seeing your wife.  Do you know if charges are being placed?  Is that something you decide or the police?

[Papa]

But if Love is "laying down your life for your friend", then I have loved my wife all of my life.

I think I will be thinking about Zachira's question for a while. My first answer is true but I'm sure there's more than that. (Sorry , everything below is just rambling... .thinking things through in public. The last sentence sums it up - I can't really make sense of it all and still feel very emotionally conflicted about my wife and our relationship).

My wife could also quite rightly say the same about herself for me... .the regular weeks where she stayed at home and looked after the kids whilst I travelled the world with my work. The thousands of small things she did every week as expressions of her love. She could be incredibly thoughtful and kind and work very hard to make our home lovely... .but sadly to me this often seemed superficial. My wife did so many kind things and worked very hard, but usually not on things that mattered very much to me or to the kids. And often they felt quite constraining.

I didn't care much if the house was immaculately tidy, the laundry square, the garden pretty or the rooms decorated beautifully... .in some ways there was a perfectionism about all of that which made me feel uncomfortable. And I always felt the perfection was something we all had to 'jump to' or run the risk of mum exploding. Although she would say she did it for our family, for me, I think really it was just an image of the kind of life she wanted to live or to project to other people.

And underneath it, what did it matter how pretty your house was, if the couple living there never kissed each other? If you never went to bed at night or woke up in the morning feeling that the person laying next to you loved and accepted you and wanted to be close to you? For most of our marriage, we made love less than once a month, although it was a bit more frequent in the last couple of years. But she never kissed me since our children were born - it always felt mechanical and cold. Most often like something she was grudgingly doing 'for me', or much less often, because she had a sexual need. But it almost never felt like an expression of the intimacy and love that I craved - like someone loves you and wants you and desires you, because you are you, and you are precious to them. It often made me feel horrible. For me, it was very frustrating to have so little intimacy in our lives, then very horrible that even in the times when we were physically close, more often than not that too felt devoid of intimacy. I felt deeply alone for most of my marriage. It is less lonely being on your own, than having the person you love just inches away from you but being unable to reach out and touch them or hold them and express your love to them.

I think we were mostly parents and flat-mates, but in a weird set-up where I paid for everything and wasn't allowed much contact with friends or relationships outside the family, or freedom. And where she could go off the rails unpredictably if things didn't go exactly her way (sometimes you just couldn't guess what 'way' she had in mind... .I suspect sometimes she didn't even know).

But it is also true that we both gave our best to do all we could for our kids and to make each others lives happy. We had lots of family adventures together. And lots of laughter. She was, for most of my adult life, my closest companion and my best friend.

I can't make sense of this in my head.

[Papa]

You will find a lot of family and friends do not understand the depth of dysfunction. 

That's very helpful for me to remember. I did feel upset when one of my cousins was very blaming, but I just need to accept that she and many others will simply not understand what's going on.

Do you know if charges are being placed?  Is that something you decide or the police?

I asked the police not to press charges. I think that's my choice. I also asked them not to see here, I just wanted to log my injuries and I am concerned that my wife may make spurious counter-allegations. Because it was treated as DV, the police take heed of the victims request, but are not bound by it. They decided they needed to talk to my wife. Unfortunately the went round when my daughter was in on her own, which she found very upsetting. I don't know if they've managed to see my wife since, but I guess they have. I haven't done anything wrong, but my wife plays the victim brilliantly, because she always feels she really is a victim. I'm slightly concerned she may have led the police along on some emotional dance.

[Starfire]

You've had lots of good discussion here on many of your points.  I'd like to offer my perspective as the daughter of a mother wBPD (undiagnosed).  I knew from a very young age that things were not right with my mother.  What I didn't know until about 3 years ago that it was BPD.  Nor did I know the sort of anguish that my father suffered during the 30 years of their marriage.  In his defense, he had no idea about BPD, either.

What a relief it would have been when I was 18 if my father had handed me a book that could have shed some light on the complexity that was my mother.  What a great help he and I could have been to each other had we known what she was suffering from.  My point is that I seriously doubt your daughter will be traumatized by the knowledge you could share with her.  Indeed, she may very well be relieved.

[Papa]

Starfire, Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your taking the time to write that. I hope with all my heart that she might respond as you suggest. It is wonderfully encouraging to hear that from someone who's been in her place. Thank you again.

[Turkish]

That's a comforting perspective Starfire.

Children of pwBPD can offer their unique perspectives across boards in reaching out to others. 

[Harri]

Hi again Papa. 

But it is also true that we both gave our best to do all we could for our kids and to make each others lives happy. We had lots of family adventures together. And lots of laughter. She was, for most of my adult life, my closest companion and my best friend.

It is good to remember the wonderful parts of your marriage Papa.  Losing your best friend is painful.

I'm slightly concerned she may have led the police along on some emotional dance.

Unfortunately this does happen sometimes.  Fortunately the reality of males being the victim of DV is becoming recognized by more people.  Do you have any news on whether the police spoke with your wife?  It is now some time after the incident with your finger.  Do you still feel okay with your decision to not press charges?  I am not trying to pressure you I just want to see if you feel the same.

I am glad Starfire posted that.  So many of us over on the Parent, Sibling, In-law (PSI) board can attest to the fact that she is right.  Sharing info about the disorder can be a huge help in the healing process for your kids.  See what your therapist thinks.  You said you are seeing her/him on Wednesday.  Is that this week or next?

I am glad to see you posting and that you are around on the board.  It is important for you to build up a support network. 

[GaGrl]

Papa, my DH was married (legally) to his uNPD/BPD first wife for over 30 years. Her affairs started almost immediately - his sister years the wife tell a friend that DH had been her ticket to America. The marriage became loveless, but there were two children and a niece who had been adopted and brought to the U.S. By the time the children were teens, she had moved out with what then became a series of boyfriends. She was arrested for bashing in one boyfriend's windshield with a tire iron and another time went after a boyfriend wi th her gun. Classy.t

The teen children, all in private conversations, asked him why he didn't divorce her and encouraged him to do so. Thirty years of emotional abuse kept him from thinking there was a Life after that marriage. However, we were 56 and 52 when we married.

You are quite young, actually! You have such potential for a healthy life.  Stay the course. Therapy helps.

[Papa]

Thanks everyone. I've been a bit full on with work last week then just trying to relax and enjoy the bank-holiday weekend - unusually sunny for a change. I took the depression self test last week and came out at 28 - moderate. So I bought a copy of the book on CBT and tried to think more positive thoughts about how I'm coping. I repeated the self test today and got 22, so that's progress in a week. My copy of 'BPD mothers' also arrived today, but not had chance to look at it yet.

Had a lovely time with my daughter this afternoon. I'd asked my daughter for dates for her exams and any holiday plans with her mum, so we can plan our summer. My wife sent her with 2 pages she'd written out of dates... .all very helpful, but it's weird this is the first communication we've had since she broke my fingers, and no mention of it. I guess this is her pattern though. She does something outrageously hurtful... .ignores it / makes no comment for a while... .then never mentions it and wants to act like nothing ever happened.

In the meantime, I'm going to my first counselling session on Wednesday, then seeing surgeon and physiotherapist on Friday... .so that's another 1.5 days away from work dealing with the aftermath of all this.

[Harri]

Hi Papa, it is good to hear from you.  I've been wondering how things are going for you.

It is great that you were able to spend time with your daughter and work out some more dates!  It is weird that your wife made no mention of your fingers but is it really a surprise given what you know of her?  I don't know her so I can't say for sure.  It is great that you have taken steps to help yourself with your very understandable depression.  Hopefully as you begin therapy that will improve even more over time.  Just keep in mind that while therapy is a huge benefit, sometimes it is really hard too.  It sounds like you are up to the task though so that is also great.

I hope things work out great with the physical therapy and the surgeon and of course everything else.  Please keep us posted, okay?

[Papa]

Thanks Harri. Will do.

[Harri]

Hi Papa.  Just checking in to see how things are going.  Post when you can okay?

[Papa]

Hi. I haven't posted for the last couple of weeks. I came home from work about two weeks ago to find a letter from my wife's solicitor, saying they were preparing for divorce. it was a bit of a shock. I don't know what to say about it really.

It's been quite busy the last few weeks. I've had to sort out solicitors; been to the hospital for my last follow-up with the surgeon; been for physiotherapy to try and get more movement back in my finger and get the swelling down; been to see a therapist; been trying to keep on top of my job, the house and having time with my daughter. My daughter and I are doing fine in our relationship, thank goodness, but I haven't spoken to her about any of this. She's got her exams in a couple of weeks and I think she just needs some time to heal too, with some space that is 'normal' and happy to have time with her dad. She's started bringing her friends around, which is really nice.

The therapist was a lovely young girl (I must be getting old). I told her what had happened to me and she was a bit flummoxed. I think they mostly do depression, and she said I scored a mild depression, but below the clinical threshold where they would treat it. I said I thought that was right, given my self-test from the CBT book. I would probably have been very much worse a few months ago, but didn't feel depression was my big problem now... .I needed help for myself as someone coming out of a long-time emotionally and now physically abusive relationship, and help to understand how to help my children. I think their service is only really used to dealing with female victims of emotional or physical abuse, which they refer on to services set-up to support women. She didn't know of anything for me, but said she'd check with her colleagues and get back to me in the next day or two. That was about two weeks ago. Haven't heard from her since.

My family have very kindly helped me replace my motorbike that was stolen last year. I've really enjoyed having the freedom of that again. It's probably a bit silly, but I used to cycle over a hundred miles a week when I was at school, then I got a motorbike at university, and getting around on 2 wheels just feels like quite a deep part of me. I'm having a long weekend off work this weekend, and then I'm going to take the bike and go camping in the Lake District for a couple of nights next week. I just need a break. I haven't really had any time off since our last family holiday in August 2017, which was very stressful for me because I knew I had to leave my wife, as she hit me and refused to let me leave the room for hours, just two nights before we went away.

I've read about half of the 'Borderline mothers' book... .I don't know what I think. Lot's of things resonate. Other things not so much. My wife wouldn't murder our children, or neglect their physical needs, or not take them to hospital if they were poorly. I find the 'Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch' thing really helpful, but my wife doesn't seem like just one of these, more like she slips between different aspects of these at different times, or like she can be/is all of these things, but some aspects come to the fore at different times or in different situations. I don't like the 'fantasy fathers' descriptions... .I don't *want* to be any of those things. I hope I haven't been, but maybe I have. The Huntsman (partner to the Hermit) is the one that rings most true, but I really don't think I've been emotionally distant or neglectful of my kids. I think i've been incredibly available to them, apart from when i've had to be away with work. I hope they think so too. I'm pretty sure they do.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Rambling. Thinking aloud in the open.

[Papa]

Highs and Lows.

I was elated yesterday to hear from my son that he was planning to come home for a week and that he wanted to spend half his time with me and half his time with his mom (uBPD, we are separated since September). My son hasn't spent a night with me since I left his mom. I was SO happy at the thought we would have a few days and nights together.

But I was also a bit worried - he last came home at Christmas, and that went really badly. I reluctantly agreed (at my wife's request) that we could go and meet him together, but when I arrived to collect her she was hysterical and emotionally abusive, then she hit me whilst I was driving us down the dual carriageway. We were both pretty upset by the time we collected my son, and that upset him so much that he said he never wanted to come back again. Then the next big event was my daughters 18th Birthday in March, when my wife again suddenly got angry and slammed the door on me, breaking my finger, which is still healing and regaining movement now.

SO I was REALLY pleased and excited that he was coming home, but also slightly worried that my wife might do something to make the situation unbearable for him, and he'd go away again.

Then tonight, my daughter had been to stay and we'd had a nice time. To cut a long story short, I had not said anything to my daughter about my wife's solicitors' letter about preparing for divorce. I had decided not to say anything until after her exams in a couple of weeks time. But this evening my daughter revealed that her mom had told her that 'she(mom) had got a solicitors letter from me, saying I was petitioning for divorce, and it was really out of the blue, and she (mom) was really upset about it and she (mom) wanted to go through mediation, but I was pushing for a divorce. This is the exact opposite of the truth.

What my wife had recounted was my experience, not hers: her solicitors wrote to me saying they were preparing to petition for divorce, so get ready to hand over your financial details and get a solicitor. To which my solicitors responded with a letter saying a) we think this would be best solved by mediation and b) what are the grounds you are using for divorce - please note that the grounds have no effect on the settlement (in the UK) and we would not want them to set a negative tone to beginning of the mediation, which should be a constructive process.

I can't get over that my wife has then acted to my daughter as if the letter from my solicitors is 'out of the blue' and a horrible shock and yet again, she is somehow 'a victim'.

My daughter was very upset when she realised there were two entirely contradictory accounts of what had happened. I offered to show her both the solicitors letters, so she could see what I was saying was true, but she didn't want to. She is caught in a terrible place.

And now my son is on the way home tomorrow - but I really don't want him to arrive in a big emotional storm about 'mum says' dad's divorcing her and she's really upset, but dad says mum is divorcing him'. He might just turn around and head straight back to his university town. I'll be so said if this screws up our chance to have time together.

Sorry again for long post. I don't know how to say these things succinctly. Papa.

P.S. good news is whilst my left index finger only has about 50% range of movement back, at least I can type better now

[Harri]

Hi Papa and thanks so much for the update.  I have been wondering how you are.  Some how I missed responding to your last post and for that I do apologize. 

In your previous post you mentioned you have been reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and that some of it resonates.  I found that to be true for my situation as well.  My mother was my disordered person and while it is sometimes hard to categorize and label in hindsight and without professional opinion, I found many of the concepts in the book to apply regardless.  A note about the categories of witch, waif, hermit, queen; a person can cycle through all four of them showing various behaviors depending on the mood, the person they are interacting with, etc.  No category, including the fathers category, are static nor do they apply to all situations.

I am thrilled to hear that you are spending some time with your daughter and that your son plans to visit.  It is unfortunate that your wife is dragging them into her own issues and projecting and distorting the facts.  I am not sure why she would lie other than to try to portray herself as the victim or the injured party... .which seems ridiculous to me. 

I hope the visit with your son is good and you are able to re-connect.  You may want to post on our Family Law, co-parenting, custody and Divorce Board even though you are at the very beginning of the divorce process.  The people who post on that board are very knowledgable about procedures, issues and strategies involved in divorce.  I believe you are not in the US, but that is okay... .they know a lot.

Also, I am so glad you finger is healing and you already have 50% function back!  That is wonderful news. 

[Papa]

Hi Papa and thanks so much for the update.  I have been wondering how you are.  

Harri, thanks for the reply. It's nice to hear from you. I will think about posting on the other board too, that's probably a good idea. I'll keep posting. It's helpful just to get things down 'on paper' and out of your head, to some extent. It's even better to get other peoples' insights and support. Thanks to you and everyone who has given their time to read or reply.

[Papa]

Harri, thanks for the reply. It's nice to hear from you. I will think about posting on the other board too, that's probably a good idea. I'll keep posting. It's helpful just to get things down 'on paper' and out of your head, to some extent. It's even better to get other peoples' insights and support. Thanks to you and everyone who has given their time to read or reply.

My son has been back for about 5 days now - he's spent two nights at my new house and two nights with his mum, at the old family home. I had both my son and daughter sleep in my house on Friday - first time since September. Very very precious. But also a bit emotional too.

I'm still trying to work out how to explain things to them. I tried to produce a very brief summary of BPD symptoms (1 side) and 'BPD mums' (1 side) here, drawing very very closely on the two books: 'stop caretaking the borderline... .' and 'BPD mothers... .'/ but trying to phrase it in ways that would make sense to my young-adult kids. I don't intend to share this with my kids just now, but if anyone wants to have a look or make any comments, you can see it on the google-doc here.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fHzKzJoye-PmFCwBeKVxg_Mbw1_aq--_ZdyZpzTQCrM/edit?usp=sharing

Best, Papa.

[Papa]

I hope the visit with your son is good and you are able to re-connect.  You may want to post on our Family Law, co-parenting, custody and Divorce Board even though you are at the very beginning of the divorce process.  The people who post on that board are very knowledgable about procedures, issues and strategies involved in divorce.  I believe you are not in the US, but that is okay... .they know a lot.

Yes, I guess with the nearly three months since my wife broke my finger and we've not seen each other face-to-face, maybe to some extent I've moved beyond 'detaching from a failed relationship' and am more in the 'divorce and co-parenting' bit. Life moves on I guess... .

Thanks Harri.

[Papa]

I haven't felt able to post here the last couple of months. My son spent quite a lot of time with me when he came back from university a couple of weeks ago, which was lovely. My daughter has been spending 3 nights in a row with me each week for the last month. They've both started treating my home like their home to some extent, and having more freedom than they would have done in our family home, inviting friends over, going out to parties and letting themselves in, in the early hours of the morning (D18, S20). Which is great. It's been lovely to have them both here together sometimes.

As far as the divorce goes, we are having mediation meeting towards the end of September. I feel anxious about this - BPD / HCP and mediation perhaps not overly likely for successful outcome, but we'll see. I will try and post a proper message on the 'divorcing' board this week.

This weekend (1' weekend of September) is a year since I left my wife. I miss the simplicity of 'being a family', one home, kids always together under one roof, holidays together etc. enormously. I hope I've done the right thing splitting our family up. Sometimes, I still miss my wife - there were good bits to her personalty and our relationship that I loved and miss. But for the most part, I'm glad to be free.

I hope I can get myself back together properly. This has been the most difficult year of my life by a very long margin. I think I've done well in very many ways, but I really want to be properly whole and healthy again.

[Radcliff]

Papa, I'm partially caught up on your story and realized that our marriages have had the exact same duration (ages 25-50).  I too, suffered emotional as well as physical abuse, and have teenagers in college.  I'm glad you're getting some good time with your kids and re-establishing a new sense of normalcy in that regard.  Hang in there.

RC

[Harri]

I was just wondering about you the other day.  Not just about you and the family but about your finger as well.  Do you have full function back?  It is so good to hear from you.  You have been through so much.  I am glad you and your kids are adjusting and spending time together.  That they are comfortable and feel at home with you is wonderful.  Did you ever talk with them about your suspicions regarding BPD?

What made you feel like you couldn't post here for so long? 

Anyway, I know things are still rough but it is good to have you back and hear such good news.

Thanks for the update.