Trying to improve my relationship

[Jo133]

Hi, im looking for advice and guidance to improve my relationship, I have spent a couple of hours reading on here and feel I already have a better understanding of my partner I have been trying in my own way to change my approach to outbursts/episodes very seriously for the past 2 months and reading about these tools is very helpful, I have been in a relationship with my BPD partner for 8 years next month we have had good times over the years, I would say it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and at times a long hard uphill struggle, my partner gets angry, threatening and says hurtful horrible things, I tell myself its not personal, Im finding it hard not being settled not knowing what tomorrow brings  jo133

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi jo133,

Im finding it hard not being settled not knowing what tomorrow brings  jo133Im finding it hard not being settled not knowing what tomorrow brings  jo133

That walking on eggshells is a terrible feeling I can relate with that. I'm happy to hear that you're enthusiastic about the lessons and making changes in your r/s  Can you give us examples of what triggers these episodes? What are the issues in the r/s?

[loyalwife]

Hi Jo133 

     You are in a safe, non judgmental place here. Like many of us, living with a pwBPD can be draining and if you haven't read the book "Walking on Eggshells", I highly recommend it.  We may not be able to change our pwBPD SO, but we can definitely change how we react. This I have found by not reacting to the chaos has made living with my pwBPDh  better.
     I'm sorry to hear that your partner gets angry, threats and says horrible things to you as it does hurt. When they are in the throw of a 'temper tantrum' I don't think they always even know what they are saying, they just want to hurt as much as they are hurting.
     Being good to yourself, and self care will help you hurdle some of the difficult times. When we start to do this, the dynamics of the relationship begins to change. There isn't a one size fits all solution, but there is truly a family here, like no other.

     You are in the right place, and it's so good that you found this site.

     Take care... .of yourself.
 

[Jo133]

hi, triggers can be anything small like how he loses his keys/bankcard/wallet or anything else on a daily basis, which is always my fault he left them there i moved them ect ect thankfully i feel ive mastered these small things by staying calm validating and usually finding them, last week was 24 hours of abuse aimed at me, calling me names putting me down saying hes leaving wants a new family,can do better than me, mine hate him hes going to smash all the men in my family, mess us all up he splits everything yours mine ect ect, this was because i met my daughter and her partner (it was the due date of the baby boy they lost in late pregnancy) i had explained i was going but he used the excuse that i had not told him i was staying out that late 8pm, i feel i have learned to let things go and use different techniques now this has stopped the episodes from going on for days/weeks to point he feels out of control, i understand now that he felt left out, this is a regular outburst about my children's partners and this puts me on edge when bringing them together, although most of the time my partner is loving and caring and would not put me or anyone i love in any predicament, i do feel he has got to used to not even trying to control his emotions where im concerned.
i realized there was something more to my partners diagnosed of deppression about 2 years into our relationship, i kept pushing a little more each time with doctors, my partner has not been against gaining help for the past 2 years, he is seeing the correct people now for borderline personality disorder although it is still early days an at present there is no concrete plan for his treatment  jo133

[once removed]

hi Jo133, id like to join Mutt and loyalwife and say

When they are in the throw of a 'temper tantrum' I don't think they always even know what they are saying, they just want to hurt as much as they are hurting.

i think this is very true. my dad would get that way, especially if he misplaced something, which happened often. there wasnt any reasoning with him. attempts to do so were often distorted, and fueled the fire. eventually, hed work himself down, often he would apologize and be embarrassed, and sometimes he wanted to sweep it under the rug or deny most of it had happened.

at the end of the day, the tools for this sort of situation are about bringing yourself peace, and not escalating the conflict. it sounds like youve made some progress in that regard! learning not to JADE is a great start, approach things from a different perspective than trying to "save" or "fix" the situation really helps, and what is also important is limit setting, and you can learn more about this in the Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect section of the lessons to the right of the board. our partners will tend to push our limits, but intuitively, over time, they tend to acknowledge that we have them. my ex, even at her worst, knew my limits because my behavior and actions around them were consistent.

when was the last bad episode?