She cut herself in front of me, blamed me, and hit me

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been dating this amazing woman for 1.5 years off and on. She is diagnosed BPD and bipolar.

I looked through her phone because I suspected cheating and I was right. I gently approached her and I mean very gently. It escalated into her grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting herself in front of me on the wrist. She then said “ look what you made me do” and continued to blame me for it. I left and stayed at a hotel. We fought that entire night via phone and the next morning I told her that cutting herself and blaming me was messed up. She texts me back saying “ahaha you should see my wrists now”. I call her immediately and she is screaming violently and hangs up. So I called for a wellness check. They brought her to a mixed gender clinic in downtown LA. I pick her up the next day and she hits me twice breaking my jaw. She kicks out the car window. Calls me every name in the book and then breaks up with me. She tells me some man molested her there.  I didn’t hit back but definitely have been telling her to “go to hell” because I am so raging mad inside. I’m so raging angry at her.


Please help me. I love this girl so much. She is trying to justify domestic violence /everything by repeating how bad that clinic was and how it was unnecessary for her to go. She won’t even say sorry to me for cheating which she doesn’t even admit to and I have hard evidence. Or so I think it’s hard evidence but she twists everything.

Was I wrong for calling that wellness check. She is so good at manipulating me and she is saying it’s me trying to control her. Maybe I was wrong because I did know she wasn’t going to kill herself. But I freaked out and panicked. This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this. Plus I def. added to her being upset by coming at her for cheating after I tried calmly approaching it but her response was insane.

[Spam591]

I’ve been dating this amazing woman for 1.5 years off and on. She is diagnosed BPD and bipolar.

I looked through her phone because I suspected cheating and I was right. I gently approached her and I mean very gently. It escalated into her grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting herself in front of me on the wrist. She then said “ look what you made me do” and continued to blame me for it. I left and stayed at a hotel. We fought that entire night via phone and the next morning I told her that cutting herself and blaming me was messed up. She texts me back saying “ahaha you should see my wrists now”. I call her immediately and she is screaming violently and hangs up. So I called for a wellness check. They brought her to a mixed gender clinic in downtown LA. I pick her up the next day and she hits me twice breaking my jaw. She kicks out the car window. Calls me every name in the book and then breaks up with me. She tells me some man molested her there.  I didn’t hit back but definitely have been telling her to “go to hell” because I am so raging mad inside. I’m so raging angry at her.


Please help me. I love this girl so much. She is trying to justify domestic violence /everything by repeating how bad that clinic was and how it was unnecessary for her to go. She won’t even say sorry to me for cheating which she doesn’t even admit to and I have hard evidence. Or so I think it’s hard evidence but she twists everything.

Was I wrong for calling that wellness check. She is so good at manipulating me and she is saying it’s me trying to control her. Maybe I was wrong because I did know she wasn’t going to kill herself. But I freaked out and panicked. This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this. Plus I def. added to her being upset by coming at her for cheating after I tried calmly approaching it but her response was insane.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

If she needed to be hospitalized then the authorities made that determination and she was.  She wasn't well.

Have you sought medical help for your broken jaw?

[loyalwife]

Hi Sam591

    You started your post out saying that you had been dating this amazing woman for 1.5 years. This in itself is the difficulty of loving a pwBPD and/or bipolar. It reminds me of the poem "When she was good she was very very good, when she was bad she was horrid". Weighing in on the good vs bad times can be hard, but when it comes to physical abuse huge boundaries need to be drawn.
    Had you suspected her of cheating before, or was this new?
    Was she jealous of you or suspicious? Sometimes it's a projection.
   
    It is important that you remain safe.
    Love doesn't hurt.  Remember that. Loving a person with BPD can be frustrating at times, and it can be emotionally hurtful; but when it comes to physical harm lines must be drawn. For your protection and for hers.
    You will learn new ways of detaching from her that in the end may bring you closer together, or further apart. I've been a similar situation, when I called the cops on my husband because he threatened to hit me.  I also filed a restraining order on him. At one point in time I was afraid that he would go through with his threats of hurting me or killing himself. Finally, when I was willing to completely let go of the situation, and was willing to walk away, did he change. Since then, it's not been easy as there is still the recycling and push/pull behavior. Instead of a fully grown man, I look at him as an emotionally underdeveloped child. It's much easier to step away from a toddler having a tantrum and come back after they have readjusted their attitude.  This may or not be helpful to you, but it did and does work for me.
    Take care and be safe. I know that you love this girl, that's what makes this difficult but not impossible.
     Sending you light and hope.

[Radcliff]

If she needed to be hospitalized then the authorities made that determination and she was.  She wasn't well.

Have you sought medical help for your broken jaw?

I agree with Turkish -- the police would not have taken her into protective custody unless they needed to.  You made the right call.

Let us know if you sought medical treatment for the jaw.

Do you and she live together, or apart?

WW

[Spam591]

I agree with Turkish -- the police would not have taken her into protective custody unless they needed to.  You made the right call.

Let us know if you sought medical treatment for the jaw.

Do you and she live together, or apart?

WW

She lives 12 hours south of me and I fly down for work a few rimes per month and stay with her.

I went to the ER down there and had x rays done. They are saying I will prob need surgery and referred me to a specialist at home.

I’m so angry. I said some very unkind things today because I have this hatred in my heart right now. She keeps trying to make me feel guilty for calling for a wellness check and is saying i was doing it to manipulate her which makes me even more angry because I’ve never been through anything even remotely like this and I panicked and called. It’s like she believes I’m out to get her or something when all i wanted to do was have her Own up to cheating. Then she beats the  out of me.

[Turkish]

Did you tell them how you were injured?  Will there be repercussions for her?

[Mutt]

I went to the ER down there and had x rays done.

Down there.,. was this conversation over the phone and not in person?

[Catlady3.14]

My heart goes out to you... I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have been in this same place many times before( minus the physical abuse)
The folks here are really supportive and the info you'll find is useful. Read as much as you can and take care of yourself.

[Spam591]

She is now not apologizing at all for hitting me or for the threatening to cut herself and then doing it and telling me it was my fault.

Not to diminish rape victims feelings but I legit feel so violated by her hitting me I would imagine it feels similar to rape. I’m RAGING angry at her. Especially when she won’t even give me an apology and is making me apologize for everything. It’s always my fault. Everything is my fault. And when I’m done apologizing she won’t even let me have the floor to express why I’m hurt and tells me its good that I’m hurt because her reactions are justified. I’m afraid that if she puts her hands on me again I will kill her. She literally ruined me. I was such a sweet gentle soul.

[Radcliff]

The fact that you feel violated is understandable.  Assaulting you badly enough to cause injury is a terrible betrayal.  Your anger is also understandable, and the fact that she is not apologetic can hit us with such a "does not compute" feeling it can send us flying into a rage.  It just doesn't make sense.  Her distorted thinking interacts with your trauma in a very bad way. 

You need to be apart from her right now.  Have you made any plans to travel south?  I'm not giving you a "run" message, just advocating distance to maintain safety for both of you until you get a handle on the situation.  Are you seeing a therapist?

Did you tell the medical professionals who saw you how your jaw was broken? 

WW

[Mutt]

Spam591,

I can understand how frustrating and demeaning it would feel for being blamed for something that she did. Is there something that you can do to change the tempo? Can you go for a walk, for a drive, go run errand? Can you think of anything?

Im not trying to minimize what happened to you I think that sometimes when we feel violated and we’re angry it’s like having blinders in and you don’t see your peripheral vision. Let’s zoom out and look at the bigger picture when things have cooled off?