My previous ex. I’ve had more than one.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, everyone! I’m thinking that this post belongs here. I’m currently on the detaching board. This post is about my ex before the ex that brought me here. I’ll try to condense it as best I can.

We were from the same small town, and when we actually engaged in our home State, we were both moving back home after moving away for individual reasons. She moved away, with her long term boyfriend, for school. I moved away for a change of scenery and a pipe dream.

Once she and her BF got settled, she basically dumped him. They were still living together, it sounded like she moved on right in front of his face. They moved 1000 miles away to a certain kind of school. We come from a small town, farming community.

Anyway, she and her ex, who were still traveling back and forth together, ended up at the place I was moving into. Another story of its own. She asked to travel with me to continue to pick up and haul my stuff back. 2 days later, I called.

It turned into her flying home every weekend on credit cards. But I met her at the airport. Every weekend. And we drove the 4 hours back to where I was living.

We eventually moved in together. She proposed marriage to me after a few months. I was elated. I said yes. What the heck? Eventually, I would be punched in the face. Eventually I grew tired of it and I put my hand up while she was charging at me and I told her that if she hits me, she’s getting one back. I’m glad that she didn’t hit me. I was serious in the moment, and would most likely have a record. But, you see? That’s how I stopped my parents from hitting me. Once I’d had enough, and felt strong enough to make a stand? They never touched again.

Eventually, her ex hung himself. He was involved with another woman. The rumors went around. My previous ex had the audacity to take the podium at the funeral, when the funeral director opened it up. She talked about all of the good times they had right in front of his wife.

She said something and felt emotions near the end of our final breakup. One night, it was in the kitchen.  She started to cry and asked me if she was responsible for his suicide. I didn’t know what to think about that. I think I do now. She wasn’t responsible. But she may have played a big part.

[JNChell]

Hello, everyone! I’m thinking that this post belongs here. I’m currently on the detaching board. This post is about my ex before the ex that brought me here. I’ll try to condense it as best I can.

We were from the same small town, and when we actually engaged in our home State, we were both moving back home after moving away for individual reasons. She moved away, with her long term boyfriend, for school. I moved away for a change of scenery and a pipe dream.

Once she and her BF got settled, she basically dumped him. They were still living together, it sounded like she moved on right in front of his face. They moved 1000 miles away to a certain kind of school. We come from a small town, farming community.

Anyway, she and her ex, who were still traveling back and forth together, ended up at the place I was moving into. Another story of its own. She asked to travel with me to continue to pick up and haul my stuff back. 2 days later, I called.

It turned into her flying home every weekend on credit cards. But I met her at the airport. Every weekend. And we drove the 4 hours back to where I was living.

We eventually moved in together. She proposed marriage to me after a few months. I was elated. I said yes. What the heck? Eventually, I would be punched in the face. Eventually I grew tired of it and I put my hand up while she was charging at me and I told her that if she hits me, she’s getting one back. I’m glad that she didn’t hit me. I was serious in the moment, and would most likely have a record. But, you see? That’s how I stopped my parents from hitting me. Once I’d had enough, and felt strong enough to make a stand? They never touched again.

Eventually, her ex hung himself. He was involved with another woman. The rumors went around. My previous ex had the audacity to take the podium at the funeral, when the funeral director opened it up. She talked about all of the good times they had right in front of his wife.

She said something and felt emotions near the end of our final breakup. One night, it was in the kitchen.  She started to cry and asked me if she was responsible for his suicide. I didn’t know what to think about that. I think I do now. She wasn’t responsible. But she may have played a big part.

[gotbushels]

Hi JNChell   

Thank you for sharing. Those are interesting. 

My previous ex had the audacity to take the podium at the funeral, when the funeral director opened it up.

That does seem to me a disrespectful and haughty decision on her part. If I was a congregation member and the departed's ex decided to address the congregation like that--that would have made me very uncomfortable.

Any thoughts on what you've shared means for you?

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

Thanks for sharing this, as I have something very similar in my dealings with my STBx.

I could see my STBx with the same audacity... .maybe even did address mourners upon the accidental (?) OD death of her SO before me.

Interestingly enough, he was the bio dad to my stepkids. I received a phone call from their aunt (his sister, obviously) last Thursday checking in to see what was going on now that STBx is turning up the drama and rhetoric around my recent request for support and word has gotten back to the West Coast contingent.

Long story short, she said that when I first started dating STBx she wanted to tell me to run, but didn't/couldn't because she could see what a good man I was and would be for her niece and nephew. I have received their gratitude in many different ways and it is heartwarming, especially given their grief over all that STBx touches in their lives.

She and the rest of her family see STBx as the direct cause for his demise. STBx even sourced the H for him through her cousin, so theirs is not an unreasonable hatred toward her. Yet she, just like your ex here, would think nothing of taking the podium at the funeral of someone who suffered at her hands.

I can't say that thought has ever crossed my mind as to end my life because of hell she hath wrought, BUT I have often wondered how accidental his OD was.

How long did your relationship last with this ex? How much of your light did she darken?

J

[Cromwell]

Hi JNChell

The minute I started to stand up against my ex, where previously I just appeased some of what was truly outrageous behaviour, I was surprised that she would stop as if id broken her momentum (just verbal never physical) and she adopted what id refer to as a vulnerable victim play (making out that i was the aggressor).

if theres anything ive learned is to make a habit of showing some steel now and again, theres nothing more id prefer than to be with people or in a relationship where its not necessary, but a kind or calm nature can easily be taken for granted in my experience. It is much better than to store up the upset and then have to go from calm to aggressive. It isnt even about a lack of assertiveness, it is about assertiveness not working in the r/s ive had. assertiveness becomes a challenge from the other side to try and suppress as a quest towards the long term goal of achieving and maintaining control. The physical violence never happened in my r/s I think only because my ex knew that was probably the only boundary I wouldnt allow. She smashed every piece of a new kitchen I had saved for, the kitchen she knew was my sanctuary. Scissors were thrown, but not at me. Glass table fist through it. I sat like a calm observer as my house and what little possessions I had were destroyed, then walked off and said "what a mess youve made". I just didnt replace anything, served her dinner on paper kitchen towels. I tried everything to make her see for herself her behaviour, I still dont know what the "right" thing I could have done. I was brought up with the same violence, it doesnt intimidate, but thats not a good thing, it should. I think putting up with it stems back from learned behaviour, I didnt have the choice to walk out as a child so just got used to it, so when you re-experience it in a r/s, its just a replay of the same old dysfunctionality. She always felt better after the "release" of the destruction, but we have to carry the andrenaline spike and then crash, as well as the unwritten script of "what will tonight bring". my ex woke me up once she was standing with a stilleto heel in her hand at my face and said, "just to let you know how easy it would be".

then going around and telling everyone else I was "controlling" her.

I think a lot of it is to provoke a reaction where we would hit back physically and that gives them validation that is been desperately sought for, to paint black with justification.

Dont know how I didnt rise to the bait, but thats strength and I can only say how much I feel for you having to put up with that. i dont care how deep or enmeshed I would be in a r/s, the minute anything whacky like that its time to walk.

[Insom]

Hi, JNChell!   

I’m thinking that this post belongs here. I’m currently on the detaching board.

Indeed!  This is a great post for Learning. 

Eventually, her ex hung himself. He was involved with another woman . . . One night, it was in the kitchen.  She started to cry and asked me if she was responsible for his suicide. I didn’t know what to think about that. I think I do now. She wasn’t responsible. But she may have played a big part.

It's normal for survivors to bear a tremendous burden of guilt and other painful emotions in the wake of a loved one's suicide.   Is it fair to blame survivors?  These links about recovering from suicide loss recommended by BPD Family say not.

But that doesn't mean you haven't asked a very interesting question about your past relationship.  There are reasons why all of us here, me included, ended up in close relationships with disordered people.  What drew her to him?  What drew him to her?  What drew you to her, and her to you, during what sounds like a very emotionally intense period?  What needs did you have that she filled?

[JNChell]

Hi there, gotbushels. I’m sorry for my late response. I haven’t been very active on here recently.

Any thoughts on what you've shared means for you?

The only thoughts are that I’m slowly digging backwards past my recent ex. My S3’s Mother. I’m realizing that most of my relationships have been dysfunctional. I’m learning through therapy that I’ve been attracted to what was/is familiar to me. My wiring. It’s toxic and harmful, but it’s familiar (family). This is where I have to forge a fork in the road for my Son’s generation. Thank you for asking.

[JNChell]

Hey, Jeffree. Sorry for the delay.

Long story short, she said that when I first started dating STBx she wanted to tell me to run, but didn't/couldn't because she could see what a good man I was and would be for her niece and nephew. I have received their gratitude in many different ways and it is heartwarming, especially given their grief over all that STBx touches in their lives.

This has to be very validating. I sometimes crave for something like this to happen from someone from her side. Namely my ex best friends that are now her’s. I’m glad that they reached out to you. I hope you found comfort in it. You need to know something. You are an upstanding man. You have taken care of her children after being drug through the gauntlet over and over and over... .

Odds are, you saved those kids. You know, J? We don’t wish our exes any bad will. Hell, the pull for them to recognize and put the work in can be overwhelming, but futile. It’s that last, rusty, out of tune heart string that keeps plucking I guess.

Yet she, just like your ex here, would think nothing of taking the podium at the funeral of someone who suffered at her hands.

Right in front of his widow. She was the only one that got up to speak. They were together for 7 years, and she spoke about the good times and the catch phrases he would use. Further more, there was a wake that night at his mom’s place. It was a fire, friends and drinking event. She had to go, and so did I. It was awkward for a while. Anyway, looking back? What the heck? After our breakup I had some brief conversations with his widow. She told me that he had described some pretty intense abuse.

I can see it now. When she got on to me, it was right in front of him. It’s a long story, so I have to spare the details. But, looking back, she was torturing him and I didn’t know.

How long did your relationship last with this ex? How much of your light did she darken?

4 years. Same amount as S3’s mom. She darkened a lot of light. I was going through a very confusing and difficult time with my adoptive parents passing with no closure from them. She was unsupportive to say the least. Thanks for reaching out J. I hope you’re well.

[JNChell]

Hello, Cromwell.

I still dont know what the "right" thing I could have done

Odds are, there is nothing that you could’ve done to deter these things. Delayed them? Maybe. Do you think now that what has played out was on you?

so when you re-experience it in a r/s, its just a replay of the same old dysfunctionality.

Precisely. I’m working through this stuff currently with my therapist. She’s a PhD psychologist that specializes in trauma. Forgive me for not knowing your whole back story, but if it involves trauma suffered by your parents, please send me the link/links.

What you say is true. It’s familiar to us. We grew up with it. It’s what we know, and it’s what many of our exes “know”. It’s what we were taught. Let’s call it generational indoctrination. It’s a sickness that has been coming down the pipeline for generations. Every once in a while, it’s time to re-route the plumbing. That’s why we’re all here, together. We’re aware and wanting to change. These conditions and behaviors are being fed by a societal sewar. It’s compounding, but awareness is also showing it’s face. Things have a way of working themselves out.

[JNChell]

Hi, Insom.

Is it fair to blame survivors

I didn’t blame her. I simply brought this here as an observation into an abusive person.

What needs did you have that she filled?

Loneliness, validation, companionship and a sense of family. All were there, then they weren’t. A 5’2” 110 pounder can punch with the best of them. Thanks for the post.