Check in: Where are you in the Stages of Detachment?

[once removed]

hey family!

its always a good idea to have a semblance of where we are in terms of the roadmap of our journey.

The five stages of Detachment
1      Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.

2      Self-Inquiry- we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them.

3      Processing- become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.

4      Creative Action- start something new with real enthusiasm for the doing of it, rather than out of the need to prove something.

5      Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being.

how long since your relationship ended? where are you in the stages of detachment? what steps are you taking within that stage?

[MyBPD_friend]

I'm  done with her.  Detached completely three weeks ago. I disappeared from with no way to contact me anymore.
Feeling good.

[Secret Celeb]

Stage one.  And I'm miserable. I want to heal. I want help. I need to move forward but my head won't stop spinning.  Does anyone know if there is a Facebook support group for this?

[once removed]

Does anyone know if there is a Facebook support group for this?

the benefit of this group is that you have anonymity, and can speak freely. i also dont think youll find better support than here. you have some responses to your thread, engage them and let the healing begin.

[Starfire]

I feel mostly somewhere between 3 and 4.  However, I got a text from ex last night after not hearing from him in six weeks, and even though I'm still maintaining no contact, it feels like a setback.  So, until I know for a fact that I'm not going to break down and respond... .call me at stage 2 again.

[SlyQQ]

nailed three and five

but nowhere on four

so still in limbo

seven years

[steppedinone]

Through the first three for sure. Feel like I'm working through four and five at the same time.

As I have to deal with this person in the workplace, I'm afraid there could be setbacks. I've gone as NC as I can, but she's not been afraid to "check in" on me before.

[Ex2BPD]

Does anyone know if there is a Facebook support group for this?

Dear Secret Celeb,
Possibly you made the Facebook query because that is where you 'hang out' ... .or for some other reason?

(It would be interesting to know why you would give up your anonymity -- which you have with this Family -- in order to post on Facebook, unless you have a Phantom FB account?  Just stumped and curious -- it's Totally your decision. 


THAT Aside,  you say: "I'm miserable," "I want help," ~ My belief is that if you visit THIS site (and I did  for up to six times a day, I was so frantically miserable) as often as needed throughout the day; and read testimonials, get affirmations, hear that others' are going through (and have gotten through) you will incrementally begin to heal from the 'miserable' stage you are at now.

There are several Borderline Personality Disorder support groups on Facebook. All of them are very small scale/minuscule in both membership and resources; no tutorial videos, no reference library of materials, no interactive linking.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling miserable -- but for Support Groups? -- hmmmm -- I tried CODA online, tried to hook-up with a therapist, did massive journal writing, and *Nothing* got me closer to complete Freedom from the torment of being unceremoniously dumped (accompanied by brutal robo-texted verbal attacks that left me completely gutted) after being the pedestal-goddess, more than BPD family.com.

Be well, Take care. 

[Sparky5]

I guess I'd still be in stage one. I can't get much relief when she still lives in my home,doesn't have means to leave (exist on SDI) and is entertaining another relationship and on a dating website, all the while blaming me for it. All I can do is lean on God and leave it in His hands. He brought me here and I'm very thankful for that. Stay strong people, this too shall pass.

[Harley Quinn]

One year out and I'm within Freedom stage. 

Whilst there are some trauma effects still occurring they are far less than they have been and I don't think anything about my ex - as an individual - that triggers me emotionally.  (The trauma stems from incidents that happened which tie in with other events in my life.) 

Steps I am taking within this stage is pretty much a continuation of what I've done throughout - taking care of my own needs more, growing as a person with new interests and enjoying learning new avenues for my creativity.  Also I have just commenced the therapy as I've made it through the waiting list, so my counselling can draw to a close.

After the pain and turmoil I encountered in my r/s, I can say I have reached a place of peace in my life and wish this for everyone here.

Love and light x   

[lighthouse9]

I've been cycling between 3, 4, and 5. I've hit some much needed anger/disappointment/annoyance recently that's leading to a different kind of processing than I have been doing. The creative action piece is showing up everywhere - it's like I can't get enough of all of the fun things I want to do and am almost overwhelmed by how much freedom I have some days, in a good way. The loss isn't hampering my day-to-day functioning. I miss her, but the time and distance are healing as are the various stages of grief. I'm well aware that things could change for me, but I'm enjoying where I'm at right now emotionally.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone,  I  have been apart from my husband for four months now and I feel like I am cycling through 1, 2, and 3.

#1 Acknowledgement  - Our 38th anniversary is coming up, that is a long time together.  I’m still trying to accept the fact that the marriage is over.  Rationally, I know that it’s the choice I had to make.  I actually miss so many things.  Of course, the things I don’t miss are the reasons I can’t stay.  So daily I am trying to accept my feelings and acknowledge them.  It’s a growth promoting practice, but it has been painful.

#2 - Self Inquiry - I have been able to acknowledge the emotions that surface, but also to analyze the emotions somewhat objectively.  For example, I enjoy time to myself, but now I have so much more time to myself and have been feeling lonely sometimes.  I can stand a little aside that emotion - I remember that I often felt lonely in the relationship.  I can make plans to be with others and I have plans with other to look forward to.

#3 -  What have I learned and can take with me on my journey? I have learned a lot.  I’m stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for.  I have learned that when I let myself be vulnerable, it’s easier to connect with people.  I sometimes put walls around myself and make it difficult for people to get to know me.  

Processing what has happened in my marriage has shown me that I wasn’t perfect, even though I tried to be.  Every day, I am having to accept myself and my imperfections.  And it’s okay.

[Sparky5]

I've been cycling between 3, 4, and 5. I've hit some much needed anger/disappointment/annoyance recently that's leading to a different kind of processing than I have been doing. The creative action piece is showing up everywhere - it's like I can't get enough of all of the fun things I want to do and am almost overwhelmed by how much freedom I have some days, in a good way. The loss isn't hampering my day-to-day functioning. I miss her, but the time and distance are healing as are the various stages of grief. I'm well aware that things could change for me, but I'm enjoying where I'm at right now emotionally.

How long did it take you to get to this stage of healing?

[PaintedBlack28]

Dear friends, I can proudly announce, three years after the break up that I have reached the stage of freedom. Thinking about my exBPDGf doesn't hurt any longer,  and I have a feeling of absolute indifference about her and her whereabouts. I wish you all achieve the same if not better luck. It has been a very painful experience but it has been an opportunity for immense personal growth and experience in life. Now I share my life with the most lovable woman I ever met, and I don't need a perfect mirroring object anymore, but a person with whom I can build a relationship based on common trust, and which is based on equity and respect. Take good care of yourself and yes, there is a better life on the other side.

[Harley Quinn]

PaintedBlack28 THANK YOU! It is wonderful to hear your news and your thoughtful message of hope to all of us here.  Congratulations on making it through and onto better things in your life.  Wishing you every success in your relationship future.

Love and light x 

[Sirnut]

Thanks for this thread. I think I’m in stage five ... and yet, I still miss her, or at least the good side of her. Does that make any sense?