How do you deal with anxieties that they're better with the replacement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi! Long time lurker, first time poster. I cannot express enough how much this website has helped me.

I am gradually learning that my ex bf was not good for me, and that our relationship was on a steady decline. BUT what has been eating at me lately is that he has been with the replacement for almost twice as long as we were together for (we were together for a year, they're going on 2 years). He started dating her within 2 weeks of us breaking up and I haven't looked at either of their social media since (he's blocked on everything) but when they first started dating I was... .jealous because she's attractive, younger, has the same political views, etc. Another thing that stays in my head was that he and I were a long distance relationship and he blamed his behavior on us being distance, saying "he's never been like this with anyone before". Whereas he and the new girl live in the same city and because they are still together (a mutual friend told me without my asking ) I have been no contact for their entire relationship but he has made new accounts and email addresses to contact me every few months saying he misses me and wants to be friends... .

All in all... .how do you deal with anxieties that they're somehow better with the replacement and are in this perfect, happy relationship while you're still missing them?

[lost008]

Hi! Long time lurker, first time poster. I cannot express enough how much this website has helped me.

I am gradually learning that my ex bf was not good for me, and that our relationship was on a steady decline. BUT what has been eating at me lately is that he has been with the replacement for almost twice as long as we were together for (we were together for a year, they're going on 2 years). He started dating her within 2 weeks of us breaking up and I haven't looked at either of their social media since (he's blocked on everything) but when they first started dating I was... .jealous because she's attractive, younger, has the same political views, etc. Another thing that stays in my head was that he and I were a long distance relationship and he blamed his behavior on us being distance, saying "he's never been like this with anyone before". Whereas he and the new girl live in the same city and because they are still together (a mutual friend told me without my asking ) I have been no contact for their entire relationship but he has made new accounts and email addresses to contact me every few months saying he misses me and wants to be friends... .

All in all... .how do you deal with anxieties that they're somehow better with the replacement and are in this perfect, happy relationship while you're still missing them?

[Turkish]

The mother of my children,  ten years younger then me,  dumped me for a senior college football jock ten years younger than her.  Things like these are painful and it sucks overall.  They did much better for two years than we ever did... .then they didn't.  I witnessed that they didnt,  and I can imagine it's so much harder not to know what's going on... .

[Gunit1]

I think we all wonder the same thing. Mine cheated on me and left me for guy she's with now and met his kids within 2 months and now all living together only down street from me! I always wonder why chose him, I'm younger and not on myself but Def better looking then this guy! This guy screams daddy issues for her. Anyway I wonder if she's better with him and not so toxic. U will never know until find out later if they broke up. What can say is when we were together she was body conscious. Liked keep thin. 6 months with him and saw her other day and wow she's letting herself go. I dunno if means she's happy or if really she's unhappy and going downhill.

[Shawnlam]

My ex was 11 years younger than me and drop dead gorgeous.He last relationship lasted 3 years with many breakups.They had a house together,she was engaged and he met her whole family and they were constantly together ... .it still ended.The one before that one year he met nobody in her family and the one prior 6 years and one kid.Me and her 6 months(knew her for 5 years),I met her kids and mom that’s it. Honestly I don’t think anyone knows why some last longer than others or less,why some were ugly some beautiful some rich and some bums ... .I’d be surprised if they even knew why.Whatever you do don’t take it personal that they are together longer,maybe he or she is just better at coping or ignoring her BPD traits.Maybe she’s less intense now because she doesn’t feel that threat of abandonment? Maybe he loves her less than you did so she’s less scared and still trying to get him hooked? All in all she didn’t miraculously wake up BPD free one morning and is the perfect woman I assure you... .it’s still complicated in that relationship and it’s just a matter of time .People on this forum had been married 10 plus years to theirs and most suffered 9 plus years ... .don’t miss that or be jealous,be thankful

[Skip]

Welcome... .glad you decided to post!

Getting back to your question... .

All in all... .how do you deal with anxieties that they're somehow better with the replacement and are in this perfect, happy relationship while you're still missing them?

This is something I think everyone struggles with to a degree and for a time until they process it. Have hope.  

Some process it by creating a narrative that (a) "the new person is flawed and the new relationship is doomed" and others process it with a narrative that (b) "I'm mature enough to accept that, in love, we weren't right for each other and if our partner connects in another relationship, that is the cycle of life."  Most start with some version of A and grow toward some level of B.

I don't know what the psychology is behind this, but romantic love is a really unique relationship - we make huge emotional commitments to another person, we think in terms of heavily every after, we are intimate to the highest degrees, we become part of the family, and then one or both go "no contact" and we lose all of that. Not because or a car accident, or a volcano, but because one of the partners just lost interest and marked the other down to zero and moved on.

That is a huge blow to overcome.

To get your mind around this, you might ask yourself, "would I feel better if he was living alone and not wanting me".

What would you say?  Why?

[MeandThee29]

I cannot imagine that my pwBPD will be better with a replacement long-term.

He basically doesn't like close relationships other than with his side of the family and has told me that he prefers surface relationships in general. When we were together, he resented ANYTHING that diluted my focus on him. It was exhausting. Now he holds me in utter contempt.

He can be utterly charming with people who don't know him well, and I guess that might spark a relationship. If that happens, hopefully they have their wits about them and see the truth.

[Jeffree]

I hope my STBx finds someone to live the rest of her life with so she can remain as far out of my life as humanly possible.

Lost008,

How I imagine I would deal with anxiety that she'll find someone she's better off with is to remind myself just how much she found fault in everyone and everything. That she'll ever find someone to make her happy is like thinking, "What if the world really is flat?" It's an impossibility that she'll ever find someone any better. We will all just be lumped into a long list of men who disappointed her.

J

[Shawnlam]

People who are perpetually in a state of self loathing,empty and fear abandonment can never find happiness anywhere unless they seek treatment and stick with it.

[once removed]

Some process it by creating a narrative that (a) "the new person is flawed and the new relationship is doomed" and others process it with a narrative that (b) "I'm mature enough to accept that, in love, we weren't right for each other and if our partner connects in another relationship, that is the cycle of life."  Most start with some version of A and grow toward some level of B.

yeah. it took me a long time to get to B.

i remember in the early days, i asked those close to me to tell me, over and over, that my ex wouldnt be better in the next relationship, that the new guy wasnt better equipped, that it would all crash and burn, and that she would be back. i was really heartbroken and rejected. i would day dream about this "better version" of her in her new relationship. i find when i see my fellow members agonizing over this same thing, the words are identical to what i expressed at the time.

i guess the first step was accepting that just as i had been different in each relationship ive been in, and just as ive picked different partners, so would she. relationships are unique, and special, and so was mine, but if we look at it clinically ie "a relationship is an interaction between two people", then we can stand to reason that the next relationship will play out "differently". what that entails is anyones guess but it helped me stop trying to predict the future, and to stop hanging mine on it.

"different" as it applied to me, means i was a better, stronger version of myself in each relationship. i carried over lessons from every prior relationship, some the "right" lessons, some "wrong". i think that applies to everyone, BPD or not.

her relationship, or what i was privy to, was different, and it lasted longer than mine did, for what thats worth. id have spent four years waiting for it to crash and burn if id so chosen.

i think that my ex will probably have lots of challenges facing her in each subsequent relationship. for example, her jealousy and possessiveness is overbearing to say the least, and it did not begin or die with me. is there someone out there better equipped to handle that? yes. i made things much worse.

ill have lots of challenges facing me in each subsequent relationship, too, and though i will be a stronger better version of myself, i will almost certainly repeat some mistakes. i guess the difference is i was fortunate enough to finally find some real direction and guidance. i couldnt have done it alone. i think the same is probably true for her, but she has every bit the shot at it that i had.

[truthbeknown]

Hi! Long time lurker, first time poster. I cannot express enough how much this website has helped me.

I am gradually learning that my ex bf was not good for me, and that our relationship was on a steady decline. BUT what has been eating at me lately is that he has been with the replacement for almost twice as long as we were together for (we were together for a year, they're going on 2 years). He started dating her within 2 weeks of us breaking up and I haven't looked at either of their social media since (he's blocked on everything) but when they first started dating I was... .jealous because she's attractive, younger, has the same political views, etc. Another thing that stays in my head was that he and I were a long distance relationship and he blamed his behavior on us being distance, saying "he's never been like this with anyone before". Whereas he and the new girl live in the same city and because they are still together (a mutual friend told me without my asking ) I have been no contact for their entire relationship but he has made new accounts and email addresses to contact me every few months saying he misses me and wants to be friends... .

All in all... .how do you deal with anxieties that they're somehow better with the replacement and are in this perfect, happy relationship while you're still missing them?

Lost, i recently posted an answer to a similar question on one of the other posts but here goes:

I recently made a breakthrough with my feelings on this topic.  I was hung up like so many of us as to why I am/wasn't good enough but the next guy is?   I went through countless hours of analyzing the data.  The facts were he lived closer and so more convenient for her (because she can't be alone), maybe has more money (right now anyway?), isn't as sensitive as me and therefore can blow off her bad behavior?  etc. etc.   

However, what shifted for me was accepting that the purpose of this relationship was just for me.  In other words,  I had asked myself, "what if I can accept that i got more out of this relationship then her? that she was really just a gift to me and that I wasn't for her? Could i live with that?"   And the answer is yes.  Here's why,  in every relationship that i have been in I am usually the giver.  And with borderlines and the like when they are valuing that in the beginning I think my partners were surprised and welcomed it.  But then at some point it scared them and the engulfment took over.  Or should i say the enmeshment took over.  They start to believe that if you have any flaws that it is a reflection on them.  So why would the other partner work out then?  I have heard from friends that he is more like her ex husband and doesn't always treat her so nice or he is rougher exterior with her.  So she doesn't have to open up with him?  But none of those facts matter because those are her dynamics. 

What matters is that i finally accepted that I loved her and being able to love her was a gift and some of things i got from just knowing her were a gift.  So rather then me being attached to being HER Gift i just accepted that the relationship was one-sided; it was more for me then it was for her.  Since i love her/ loved her I want her to be happy.  If my dynamics of loving her so deeply scared her then i'm finally able to accept that i didn't need to be her gift.  That I'm okay with all the good that i received (but glad to let go of the negative as well). 

I hope this makes some sense because it was a big breakthrough to break the enmeshment.  They get us enmeshed with them and then they run away from that enmeshment when they get scared.  Meanwhile we carry the link to that enmeshment i believe.   I think i  broke the link by accepting that I got more out of the relationship then she did and that's okay. 

[backAnd4th]

once removed, thanks so much for your posts. I find that they really resonate with my experience.

i remember in the early days, i asked those close to me to tell me, over and over, that my ex wouldnt be better in the next relationship, that the new guy wasnt better equipped, that it would all crash and burn, and that she would be back. i was really heartbroken and rejected. i would day dream about this "better version" of her in her new relationship. i find when i see my fellow members agonizing over this same thing, the words are identical to what i expressed at the time.

Reading your post and in particular this part of it gave me the same feeling I got after my relationship ended - I discovered BPD, found this board, and found that my experiences with my ex's behaviors were not uncommon. Over a year later and I still find myself feeling a lot of these exact feelings.

My replacement, which my ex immediately traded me for, has now officially lasted longer than our relationship did and it still drives me crazy. I keep looking for ALL kinds of rationalizations as to why that could be the case - more distance between them, replacement's greater tolerance for BPD-esque behaviors, replacement's lower status and thus more willingness to hold on to a "great catch", etc. I could go on and on. None of them really help. I wanted the relationship to crash and burn like ours did (and still kind of do). I'm becoming impatient.

Some of my worst fears are that I was the problematic one in the relationship, and that its downfall was my fault, and that I'll never have another chance at happiness or a great match like that again, and that I lost everything (not just intimacy and companionship but a lot of friends and a fluid social circle).

I often wonder why she was willing to change and improve and address some of the problematic behaviors that killed our relationship for someone else, someone that I think is worse than me by a lot of meaningful metrics. I constantly begged my friends and my therapist to reassure me that she hasn't changed and that she can't change, and that she seems to be thriving now because she's found someone to feed into all of her nonsense - and that their new relationship is headed down the same path our relationship went, it'll just take longer. I asked them to tell me these things, and they did, and then I didn't believe them when they said it. It was horrible. Eventually I stopped asking as much. I hope that one day I'll stop asking entirely.

I guess I'm reaching out to you for more guidance on this topic (and hoping that it doesn't hijack the thread), if you would be so kind... .how did you achieve that balance and finally move on?

How did you stop waiting for your ex's replacement relationship to crash and burn? How did you find the right midpoint between "it was all their fault because of the disorder" and "it was all my fault because I'm not good enough and this other person is better in every way"? Did their relationship eventually end, and if so, did it end as you expected it would and did you feel any feelings of validation, or did you feel differently because of how you were able to move on? Did you have any other complicating factors like having to potentially deal with your ex spreading a very distorted narrative about you?

I am still struggling with the fact that, BPD or not, humans generally have the capacity to grow and improve, and that even if I was right and my relationship failed in large part due to my ex's behaviors, that doesn't mean that she is completely void of the ability to learn from them and adjust them for the future. It just kind of hurts that I feel like I was able to do that, and I'm willing to acknowledge my failures to her (should we ever be in a position to speak to each other again), and that if she's actually capable of some self-awareness and introspection and growth, then why isn't she making any effort at all to accept any responsibility whatsoever for the downfall of our relationship? Did you have any anxieties like this? How did you cope with them?

Sorry for the barrage of questions, and please don't feel obligated to address all (or any) of them even - I just really value your perspective. Thank you so much.

[once removed]

"I'm mature enough to accept that, in love, we weren't right for each other and if our partner connects in another relationship, that is the cycle of life."  

this is a 30000 foot view.

the truth is that i had bailed for a while emotionally and physically. she read the writing on the wall, neither of us had the guts to end it, she looked for attention elsewhere, and she started attaching to others. poor coping style on her end yes, but poor coping style on my end, and none of it really a surprise.

this is a 30000 foot view. there are more details to the story, those are the fundamentals. we agonize over the details, and they tend to obscure the fundamentals.

the closer i got to that 30000 foot view and the more i detached went hand in hand. i had to work through the pain and the grief first. i could never have accepted my narrative above at the time. my parents tried to tell me and it was really upsetting and sent me spinning into rumination (i would then push it away, and when i learned about BPD, i totally dismissed it and blamed it all on BPD). my parents tried to warn me, before we broke up, that i was going to lose her. that i was neglecting her. and its not as if they were her biggest fans.

why then, was i so surprised when that was exactly what happened? it was more about me than her or what happened. i didnt believe my ex was capable of leaving me. i over invested in the words, her dependence on me, and i took her and the relationship for granted; when i found out she was capable of leaving me, it felt like the ultimate rejection. i was (still am) pretty sensitive to romantic rejection.

My replacement, which my ex immediately traded me for

is an action that really hurts, and can create a deep wound, and a drive to reverse that sense of rejection (we often think our ex failing will reverse it and invest in that). it requires your attention and it needs healing. building the foundation of your healing on whether she succeeds or fails will not do that.

think about it: for the most part, we dont do this with other exes; we dont see their success or failure as having anything to do with us or vice versa. we grieve, we accept that we werent compatible, and that someone else will be, with them and with us, we take the lessons we learned, and we move on and get closer to finding that person. thats what we want to do here.

Some of my worst fears are that I was the problematic one in the relationship, and that its downfall was my fault

when someones self esteem is crashing, "you could have done better" translates to "you are an unloveable failure". "im responsible for what happens in my life" becomes either "bad things happen to me" or "everything is my fault".

now that you have more distance behind you, face the fear. probe it. its your ticket to Freedom.

I became frustrated with her (and myself) and started to respond to her mood swings with talks about breaking up.
... .
During one of those off times, she slept with one of my friends. It hurt me a lot and damaged my relationship with both her and that friend of mine, to the point where I felt like it would be impossible to recover, and I attempted to remove her from my life.

my ex and i also threatened breakups (hundreds of times, literally), and i went outside our relationship and damaged her trust, so i say this as someone with a similar experience.

these are relationship killers. when they dont outright end the relationship for good, resentment and distance and distrust and insecurity breed, until usually, a traumatic and forced ending. you werent ready for it to end, because it was too good to leave, too bad to stay. by that point, she had read the writing on the wall, and probably grieved to some extent. but you both hung on even afterward. she wanted the good parts of the emotional connection, and you wanted romance. you distanced yourself again (told her you couldnt be close) and she felt rejected, and then with the joke about sex (the activity you could share), she got the impression it was what you really cared about. kaboom.

thats a 30000 foot view.

How did you stop waiting for your ex's replacement relationship to crash and burn?

well, when i bet on it ending in one month, then three months, then six months, and it didnt happen... .

i actively and fully grieved the relationship and let go, and somewhere in the process (the more it faded in the rearview mirror), got busy living my best life and occupying my mind with that.

How did you find the right midpoint between "it was all their fault because of the disorder" and "it was all my fault because I'm not good enough and this other person is better in every way"?

at many times i believed both of those things. to keep it 100%, i also told myself i was better than the other person and so above it all   and that worked so well that i needed my friends to repeat it to me  .

and then i gave myself permission to feel whatever i felt and grieve, stop using dysfunctional coping and crutches, and i licked my wounds. i vented, and cried. i got a lot of support, and as it dried up as it does, i found strength. i learned about BPD, and i learned about myself in ways that while limited, did get me on the journey to clarity; i could see we werent the right match, but my narrative would evolve many times. i said my piece through creative writing, which restored some confidence, brought some clarity, helped me feel some resolution, and helped me turn a corner.

but when i was ready to move on, i did, and then i found myself bumping against the same old baggage, the same outcomes, the same frustrations, the same heartache, the same dysfunctional coping, and all with my ex long out of the picture. it glared at me. i couldnt ignore it.

i was the problematic one. this was my life. i was responsible for it, and therefore capable of changing it. but first i had a lot more learning to do. i came here to do that. i learned the skills and the tools, and that had a way of revealing how emotionally immature i was in a way i simply couldnt see before, even if i were open to it.

Did their relationship eventually end, and if so, did it end as you expected it would and did you feel any feelings of validation, or did you feel differently because of how you were able to move on?

it ended after four years. i dont know the details. truthfully, im sure i felt some level of validation (mostly surprise and curiosity. i was privy to a lot of detail in the early months of their relationship and that did make me feel better), but youd be surprised how anti climatic it was.

Did you have any other complicating factors like having to potentially deal with your ex spreading a very distorted narrative about you?

no, but in those first few months i imagined a lot of things to the point of shaking.

even if I was right and my relationship failed in large part due to my ex's behaviors,

learning about how relationships evolve, break down over time, devolve, become terminal, helped me get to that 30,000 foot view. its often pretty textbook. couples break up over mostly the same things: money, fighting too much, jealousy, infidelity, growing apart, in some cases things like the loss of a child, religion, clashes over values. youve read the stories. if need be, read them again with it in mind that its often one or two significant things that the couple as a whole cant get past. its not about fault, and BPD is only a piece of it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

why isn't she making any effort at all to accept any responsibility whatsoever for the downfall of our relationship?

because thats not usually how breakups work. we dont tend to help each other heal and go out of our way to take responsibility. we focus on our hurt, our feelings of injustice. i accept a lot of responsibility for the downfall of the relationship (and probably she does too). my ex doesnt know that. i dont owe her that.

in your case, her responsibility probably flew out the window to her when things ended like they did. more than likely, she has mostly moved past it by now, and achieved some balance, but she likely hasnt reached some place where she "totally understands where you were coming from and all is forgiven", shes moved past it.

Did you have any anxieties like this? How did you cope with them?

i had a lot of feelings of injustice, if thats what youre asking. i worked through those with creative writing, saying my piece.

bottom line, 99% of our exs relationships will fail. 100% have failed until now. 99% of our relationships will fail. 100% have failed until now. some of the details change, some stay the same. the fundamentals tell the story, and that changes from partner to partner. ourselves and our exes - we couldnt get past those fundamentals.

[truthbeknown]

once removed, thanks so much for your posts. I find that they really resonate with my experience.

Reading your post and in particular this part of it gave me the same feeling I got after my relationship ended - I discovered BPD, found this board, and found that my experiences with my ex's behaviors were not uncommon. Over a year later and I still find myself feeling a lot of these exact feelings.

My replacement, which my ex immediately traded me for, has now officially lasted longer than our relationship did and it still drives me crazy. I keep looking for ALL kinds of rationalizations as to why that could be the case - more distance between them, replacement's greater tolerance for BPD-esque behaviors, replacement's lower status and thus more willingness to hold on to a "great catch", etc. I could go on and on. None of them really help. I wanted the relationship to crash and burn like ours did (and still kind of do). I'm becoming impatient.

Some of my worst fears are that I was the problematic one in the relationship, and that its downfall was my fault, and that I'll never have another chance at happiness or a great match like that again, and that I lost everything (not just intimacy and companionship but a lot of friends and a fluid social circle).

I often wonder why she was willing to change and improve and address some of the problematic behaviors that killed our relationship for someone else, someone that I think is worse than me by a lot of meaningful metrics. I constantly begged my friends and my therapist to reassure me that she hasn't changed and that she can't change, and that she seems to be thriving now because she's found someone to feed into all of her nonsense - and that their new relationship is headed down the same path our relationship went, it'll just take longer. I asked them to tell me these things, and they did, and then I didn't believe them when they said it. It was horrible. Eventually I stopped asking as much. I hope that one day I'll stop asking entirely.

I guess I'm reaching out to you for more guidance on this topic (and hoping that it doesn't hijack the thread), if you would be so kind... .how did you achieve that balance and finally move on?

I had a therapy session where we talked about the thought process of "why".  Wondering "why" it didn't work, why they chose someone else, why they are happier now (perceived), why they didn't try harder with us? doesn't serve us and in fact stimulates the brain to go back into trauma response and makes us feel victimized. She said a more empowering question is "what".  What else is possible now?  What can i learn from this? What am i going to do now?  What are the good qualities that i would like to see in a future relationship and what are the qualities that i would like to stay away from?  By shifting from "why" to "what" i have made some progress.  Now when my brain tries to ask why, I reframe and redirect and ask some what questions. 

How did you stop waiting for your ex's replacement relationship to crash and burn? How did you find the right midpoint between "it was all their fault because of the disorder" and "it was all my fault because I'm not good enough and this other person is better in every way"? Did their relationship eventually end, and if so, did it end as you expected it would and did you feel any feelings of validation, or did you feel differently because of how you were able to move on? Did you have any other complicating factors like having to potentially deal with your ex spreading a very distorted narrative about you?

A good friend of mine is a hypnotherapist and talks about smoking cessation.  He often says, "there isn't a day that passes that i don't think about or remember being a smoker.  The difference now is that i don't "crave" smoking or a cigarette and when i do remember being a smoker or think about smoking i am able to redirect my mind and know that it wasn't good for me so therefore i am choosing better for myself."   I believe these relationships become an addiction for most of us. For one thing the sexual component of many of these relationships is addictive but just like alcohol or tobacco can have Power over people, these relationship can have power over people.  As an ex smoker he said that he doesn't look at other people who smoke and feel bad that they get to smoke and he doesn't because now his mind says, "I remember when i chose unhealthy too and now i choose to be healthy."   So I have used this information to think about healthy vs unhealthy.  If the relationship had been healthy for me i believe that i would still be in it and i believe that she would have had the ability to regulate her emotions and change.  Just because somebody else is "smoking" them doesn't mean they are healthy for that person but that person may not be choosing to be healthy.  So perhaps a "pat on the back" is necessary to realize that at some point you identified that there was dysfunction and made a healthy decision to move away from it.  Even if they cheated and you said "no" to taking them back it is still healthy to make that choice. 

I am still struggling with the fact that, BPD or not, humans generally have the capacity to grow and improve, and that even if I was right and my relationship failed in large part due to my ex's behaviors, that doesn't mean that she is completely void of the ability to learn from them and adjust them for the future. It just kind of hurts that I feel like I was able to do that, and I'm willing to acknowledge my failures to her (should we ever be in a position to speak to each other again), and that if she's actually capable of some self-awareness and introspection and growth, then why isn't she making any effort at all to accept any responsibility whatsoever for the downfall of our relationship? Did you have any anxieties like this? How did you cope with them?

Again, asking "why" won't help us here.  If their relationship last longer then yours perhaps asking "what could she have learned from my stable point of view that she used to improve herself in the new relationship?"  I know there may be some things my ex learned to say or not to say from me moving forward.  Whether she uses these manipulatively or not is no longer my concern.  I have worked hard to understand "enmeshment".  They enmesh with us and then we seem to enmesh back with them.  It's part of our Mirror Neurons.  Humans have an innate ability to Mirror each other back.  I've studied this because we all do it on a subconscious level.  I believe part of the PTSD that we non's experience has to do with the mirroring back of the enmeshment.  So at because they think we are an extension of them and they focus on all the positive aspects of us- the beginning of the relationship is lovely.  But then when they see our flaws and realize we are human, they look at us as an extension of themselves and don't like what they see (because they can't separate themselves from us).  In reverse, we see them pull away and get with someone else and we lock into that enmeshment and wonder what we did wrong.  I believe that is the enmeshment- we are now seeing them as an extension of ourselves and feeling like they are a reflection of us.  I am staying with my Mother right now and I believe she has BPD tendencies.  She tries to project perfection onto me to the point where i can never do anything "right" in her eyes.  One day i told her, "mom, i'm not a reflection of you. I'm a separate person and I love you but i will never BE you.  So therefore you're not going to like everything that i do.

I'm trying to effect change on her enmeshment with me. Wish me luck.  But i believe We have to break free from our own perceptions of them being a reflection of us when they leave and get with someone else.  They are separate people and what they do is not about us.  They just do it in a way that makes us think it's about us. Just as my friend who smoked needed to break free from of the cigarette being part of him and being linked to his happiness, we have to realize that it was never our job to make them happy ( from what i've learned).  In healthy relationships the responsibility is taken by each person for their own happiness and differentiation.  David Scharch talks about the concept of differentiation and going into our crucible.  Someone with borderline tendencies doesn't allow for the other person to be themselves because of the enmeshment.  These are the things and concepts that have been helping my recovery from Borderline PTSD.  I hope this helps!

Sorry for the barrage of questions, and please don't feel obligated to address all (or any) of them even - I just really value your perspective. Thank you so much.

[gilac]

the thing is, they are probably consciously trying to have a longer relationship than the previous one

why do I think this? well, my ex used to get very excited in announcing "from today, this is my longest relationship" along with the usual "I don't even count any of the previous ones, this is my first relationship"

so, by painting all the previous ones black, she was desperate to prove herself that she is in a better place now and that the relationship is finally validated because it is the long lasting, and someone actually needs her that long

she'll probably try this once again with my replacement, I bet she will do anything and hold her panic mode back just to prove herself that it's all better now, because she's already bragging that I'm her dark past and that this is her "new life" as she always points out

second thing, maybe the new person is more toleratable with the whole depression thing... I was diagnosed with mild social anxiety few years ago, when her depressive episodes came in, I knew how to cope with it all, all her exes gave up after two months or so...  that + long distance relationship for the first 8 months = her longest relationship so far
if I didn't know how to cope with her melancholy and darkness and even this suicidal crap, we would probably last just a couple of months

[Wicker Man]

How do you deal with anxieties that they're better with the replacement?

My stance on this is, perhaps, unique. 

Nothing, but nothing would make me happier than for her to find a loving lasting relationship.  To find the safety, security and peace which our love could not grant her.

She is an emotional leaf blown in the wind. Sometimes loving and other times raging.  The loving part of her is incredibly beautiful, as beautiful as her hatred is terrible.  She is a brilliant woman, resplendent in so many ways. 

In our year together I experienced soaring highs and she also showed me the nicer parts of hell.  In our own ways I believe we both did the best we could.

Our lives no longer touch at any point -I feel an incredible loss, but I still wish her nothing but the best in life, for I did love her.


Wicker Man

[truthbeknown]

How do you deal with anxieties that they're better with the replacement?

My stance on this is, perhaps, unique. 

Nothing, but nothing would make me happier than for her to find a loving lasting relationship.  To find the safety, security and peace which our love could not grant her.

She is an emotional leaf blown in the wind. Sometimes loving and other times raging.  The loving part of her is incredibly beautiful, as beautiful as her hatred is terrible.  She is a brilliant woman, resplendent in so many ways. 

In our year together I experienced soaring highs and she also showed me the nicer parts of hell.  In our own ways I believe we both did the best we could.

Our lives no longer touch at any point -I feel an incredible loss, but I still wish her nothing but the best in life, for I did love her.

i feel the same way Wicker man.  In some ways i learned what love truly is because despite all my pain i am able to love her from a distance.  I just can't let her hurt me anymore.  Strangely enough i would have held her hand through hell if she hadn't pushed me off the cliff during our journey.  It's not so much blame but just reality that i have to deal with.  I understand why she is the way she is.  I only wish she had the capacity to understand me as well.


Wicker Man

[Jeffree]

How do you deal with anxieties that they're better with the replacement?


I'd be disingenuous to myself to forget that when I was knee deep in the dance with her devaluing me, I kept wishing she'd find someone else to be with and leave me alone and move out. Thus, it doesn't work for me now to think she'll ever be better off in anything in life. I loved her with every fiber of my soul and she knew it. There is no way someone else will be able to come close to duplicating that. As a matter of fact, she doesn't realize it, but she will likely be in harm's way should she pull the same crud with someone else. Hers is an infuriating form of abuse that can hardly be tolerated by the strongest of men. She best choose wisely.

That being said, the thought did enter my mind for the first time the other day that she's now doing all those amazing things she did to me in the beginning with someone else. That stung a little, but those things stopped so long ago I barely remember them enough to miss them. Plus, instead of seeing those things as genuine immutable gestures, they now seem like manipulative brain washing techniques that proved poisonous to me in the end.

Long story short... .it becomes a knee-jerk reaction to shrug off any thoughts she'll be better off with her replacements because she turns everything from jobs to friends to lovers into poop in her mind. Nobody and no thing ever meets her needs or standards, and its a friggin drag to listen to day in and day out. She can't help herself.

The more important thing is that I am better off without her!

J

 

[Wicker Man]

In some ways i learned what love truly is because despite all my pain i am able to love her from a distance.  I just can't let her hurt me anymore.  Strangely enough i would have held her hand through hell if she hadn't pushed me off the cliff during our journey.  It's not so much blame but just reality that i have to deal with.  I understand why she is the way she is.  I only wish she had the capacity to understand me as well.

@truthbeknown This echos my sentiment completely.  I had been holding her hand as we strolled through the gates of hell from the first weeks of our relationship.  During my tenure with her she had stopped cutting herself.  She had stopped hearing voices, and her rage seemed to be abating slightly.  It felt good to be seeing more of her light side and less of the darkness.  I was quite proud of being able to offer her a safe place to heal.  At this point I was unaware of BPD.  She had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and Bi-polar disorder.  It turns out she would have ultimately become 'tolerant' of my love and the curative effect would have wained.  I think of my love for her as acting like a temporary pain killer, like an opiate the user becomes tolerant and needs more to achieve the same effect -well she had all of my love... .  When it was no longer enough the pain came rolling back.

In her last 7 day rage she broke up with me -ending our engagement.  It took me a few days and a minor breakdown to process the idea that -she would leave me one day. 

This epiphany caused me to agree with her and formally end our engagement.  It was the single most difficult thing I have ever done.  Since then I have come to believe she sufferers from BPD.  We were, assuming my presumption of BPD, in the twilight of the idealization phase.  I was very likely spared the torment so many people on this board know all too well had our relationship continued.   

Back to the original post -I hope to God she can be better, happy, and healthy with her next relationship.  I refuse to say replacement, because I am not replaceable. 

I can sympathize with the horror of being 'replaced', but we are all unique human beings with our own strengths and weaknesses, but none of us are replaceable. 


Wicker Man