Husband needs advice with physically violent wife

[Aarnik1201]

Hi first off thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. My wife (32) and I (34) have been married for a little over a year but have known each other for about 8 years. We have 2 teenagers that live with us from my prior relationship. It wasn't until we got married that I became exposed to her violent side. Most days we are very much in love and frequently tell each other how much we love one another. We are very affectionate towards one another and are miserable when we are away from one another. However after we got married I began to see a dark side of her. She began to get physically violent punching and scratching me for the smallest things, sometimes seemingly for nothing at all. She has a history of self-harm and often cuts herself or burns herself when she's stressed, angry at herself, or when confrontation doesn't get her desired result. She's very insecure and it usually stems from some scenario she has made up in her head. I'm a big guy 6' 210 lbs athletic so I never fight back just try and block her attacks. A couple of months ago she was arrested out of town because instead of blocking I let her do what she wanted which resulted in alot of my blood. I wanted her to see the damage she was causing and hoped that would wake her up.  I can usually tell when she is trending this way and try to steer her thoughts in a different direction but more often than not it doesn't work. I have no idea how to approach this or what to do, I feel like I've tried everything. Her thoughts are often irrational and she comes to irrational conclusions even when confronted with evidence contrary. Because I'm a guy even when I tell people of these occurrences I'm asked "well what did you do/say to her to make her do that?" or "I just can't see her doing that." Last night she had it in her mind I was sleeping with a co-worker and decided to punch me in the eye twice while I was trying to go to sleep and de-escalate things. When I confronted her with this she flat out denied even punching me even though I had fresh blood over my eyebrow. This is not the first time she has denied such things either. She's very careful to not do these things around the kids. She refuses to seek help because "you just want me to be a drugged up zombie." Please give me any advice you can. I really do love her and I know she loves me, but I don't know if I can continue down this path if she doesn't get help.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Aarnik1201,

I am so saddened to hear about what you've been experiencing. Sadly, we have many members who have had similar experiences.

I only have a few moments here, but I want to at least put some of the site resources in front of you until others can come by and offer more ideas and support! We definitely care and do not want you to suffer!

This is the site information as it specifically relates to domestic violence for men: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

Have you reached out to anyone in your local community or read online about domestic violence? Have you been keeping this mostly to yourself so far? Her hitting you is not okay, for you or the kids, or her for that matter, and there is help available!

with compassion, pearl.

[Turkish]

She could be dissociating. I was lying on the bed face down and my ex walked by and slapped my leg angrily.  I got up and said "did you just slap me?" She was always saying that if I ever touched her that we would be done (her mother was an abused wife). She stared at me wide eyed "Noo."

Obviously that's not even close to what you have experienced.  What was the result of the arrest, and do you have support of anybody who believes you such as a counselor?

[zachira]

It is confusing and hurtful to be physically and emotionally abused by a partner you care for so much, and it is even more so when you are a man. First of all, I want you to know that it is not that unusual for a woman to physically abuse a male partner. Second and most important, is that you take steps to protect yourself, as the violence is likely going to get worse and you, your children, and your wife may suffer irreparable harm. Is your wife in trouble with the law because she is physically abusing you? If so, have there been any interventions or treatment for the physical abuse? There are treatment centers for domestic violence everywhere now, and many of these programs help men and women who are being physically abused by their partner.
I would start by consulting one of the domestic violence centers, get them to help you make a safety plan for you and your children, and find out how to get help for your wife. Many of these programs do not charge for their services, and have literally saved and improved the lives of many families.
Let us know how you are doing. Post anytime, as we are here to listen and there are many people on this board who are dealing with situations similar to yours or have done so in the past.

[livednlearned]

I can usually tell when she is trending this way and try to steer her thoughts in a different direction but more often than not it doesn't work. I have no idea how to approach this or what to do, I feel like I've tried everything.

What are some things you've tried? Maybe we can walk with you and think together about specific skills that might work. A lot of the skills for dealing with someone prone to emotional dysregulation are not intuitive and must be learned.

even when I tell people of these occurrences I'm asked "well what did you do/say to her to make her do that?" or "I just can't see her doing that."

To be beaten by her, and then have no one believe you must make you feel very isolated and alone   I'm glad you came to the site and shared what you're going through. People here understand.

Last night she had it in her mind I was sleeping with a co-worker and decided to punch me in the eye twice while I was trying to go to sleep and de-escalate things. When I confronted her with this she flat out denied even punching me even though I had fresh blood over my eyebrow. This is not the first time she has denied such things either.

Does she ever enter a tender cycle after the violence?

Are you aware of any patterns that lead up to the violence? When she mentions affairs or whatnot, how does the rest of the conversation typically go?

[Radcliff]

Most people think that domestic violence primarily affects women.  Crime studies tend to support this view because women tend to inflict less damage on men and men are less likely to report.  Studies that randomly survey large populations show that women are abusive just as often as men.  You are not alone.

To start coming up to speed on domestic violence, I would suggest you start with this bpdfamily article on BPD and physical abuse, which also links through to this bpdfamily topic on domestic violence for men.

We can help you get a handle on this.  Do you have someone you can talk to in person who will believe you about what's going on?  Is there someone who knows both of you and who she trusts who would believe you?

WW