Why do I still want to be with her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All,
   Where to begin? I've been in a relationship with a BPD woman for over ten years. The abuse started early. As I look back on old journal entries, it's been going on for a long time. We have been cohabitating for most of our relationship. I moved her and her two daughters into my home and did my best to love and care for them. She was abusive to the children as well and I often stood in the gap. When her oldest was just sixteen she left the home. Four years later her youngest left as well at the age of fifteen. Her own family wrote letters to the court expressing their belief that she was an unfit parent and that the biological father should assume custody, which was granted. About a year after that, I lost my adult daughter to cancer. Fast forward four years and I find out that she's been entertaining another relationship. Staying out all night partying and admitting that she's been doing meth... .again. In the past she was using drugs and effectively hid it from me. Squandering family resources on dope. I even took in her dying father. So here I am, wondering what the hell just happened? I think as soon as I started standing up for myself and refusing to allow the abuse to continue, she probably began looking elsewhere but here's the kicker, she's still living in my home. She's on SDI for phychological reasons. Only taking in 600 a month because child support arrears are being taken out. Her youngest actually told me to be strong and let her go so that I can be happy. That child is such an amazing young woman and it amazes me that she is doing so well. Maybe that was the whole point? Maybe that was Gods plan, that I be there to shield her? I don't know. All I know is that my heart is broken and this is going to take some time and therapy to heal. How do I do it ? How do I move on from this? Why do I still want to be with her? I'm so confused. On an intellectual level, I know this has been damaging and unhealthy for nearly nine years. There must be some childhood issues that I need to explore and relate to. I can't think of any other reason why I would be trying to stay in something so toxic. Any thoughts?

[Sparky5]

Hello All,
   Where to begin? I've been in a relationship with a BPD woman for over ten years. The abuse started early. As I look back on old journal entries, it's been going on for a long time. We have been cohabitating for most of our relationship. I moved her and her two daughters into my home and did my best to love and care for them. She was abusive to the children as well and I often stood in the gap. When her oldest was just sixteen she left the home. Four years later her youngest left as well at the age of fifteen. Her own family wrote letters to the court expressing their belief that she was an unfit parent and that the biological father should assume custody, which was granted. About a year after that, I lost my adult daughter to cancer. Fast forward four years and I find out that she's been entertaining another relationship. Staying out all night partying and admitting that she's been doing meth... .again. In the past she was using drugs and effectively hid it from me. Squandering family resources on dope. I even took in her dying father. So here I am, wondering what the hell just happened? I think as soon as I started standing up for myself and refusing to allow the abuse to continue, she probably began looking elsewhere but here's the kicker, she's still living in my home. She's on SDI for phychological reasons. Only taking in 600 a month because child support arrears are being taken out. Her youngest actually told me to be strong and let her go so that I can be happy. That child is such an amazing young woman and it amazes me that she is doing so well. Maybe that was the whole point? Maybe that was Gods plan, that I be there to shield her? I don't know. All I know is that my heart is broken and this is going to take some time and therapy to heal. How do I do it ? How do I move on from this? Why do I still want to be with her? I'm so confused. On an intellectual level, I know this has been damaging and unhealthy for nearly nine years. There must be some childhood issues that I need to explore and relate to. I can't think of any other reason why I would be trying to stay in something so toxic. Any thoughts?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Sparky5 and welcome.  Here you will find a supportive community of people with related experiences who are willing to hear your story. And quite a story it is. I'm so sorry for all of the suffering you have had to face, especially losing a child. As a father of two myself that pain is inconceivable to me. 

Coming here and posting was a great first step. For the next step, I suggest looking through the articles on the righthand side as well as posting on other members threads to start getting some context on your situation. There are tremendous resources here in terms of written materials and videos. But the greatest resource is other members!

Could you describe the abuse in more detail, both towards you and her children? Have you at any point in the relationship visited a therapist?

~ROE

[Sparky5]

Hi Sparky5 and welcome.  Here you will find a supportive community of people with related experiences who are willing to hear your story. And quite a story it is. I'm so sorry for all of the suffering you have had to face, especially losing a child. As a father of two myself that pain is inconceivable to me. 

Coming here and posting was a great first step. For the next step, I suggest looking through the articles on the righthand side as well as posting on other members threads to start getting some context on your situation. There are tremendous resources here in terms of written materials and videos. But the greatest resource is other members!

Could you describe the abuse in more detail, both towards you and her children? Have you at any point in the relationship visited a therapist?

~ROE

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I do plan on using every available resource here and hope that I can make a meaningful contribution as my situation unfolds. Did we seek therapy? Absolutely. I remember her saying she always felt worse after a counseling session. I believe that was most likely due to the fact that I am able to communicate effectively and even though the therapist was validating, it may have seemed to my SO that she was taking my side. I remember our last session, my Girlfriend was taking adderall, which is pharmaceutical amphetamine. The therapist suggested we try our relationship without it, and she never went back. Not to long after, she admitted that she was doing meth "for a year or so" by her own admission. That takes an awful lot of dishonesty to pull that off.
     As far as the abuse of the children, she was always hypercritical , judgemental, condescending and just plain mean. Her youngest actually has decided that she needs to distance herself from her right now after the crap she has pulled with me. The older daughter is now a raging heroin addict.

[Sparky5]

Oops, I meant to preview, not post. So, as I said in the OP, I have more than one journal that documents the abuse. As far as the abuse that I have endured, constant gas lighting , rehashing of wrongs over a decade old, hyper critical judgement, condescension , lack of affection, rudeness, drunken rage, two instances of physical abuse and destruction of my self esteem. I've grown eyes in the back of my head , I never know when it's coming and now, while still living in my home, is beginning anothe relationship, which she claims to not have consummated but I've the feeling that she's buying time and trying not to anger me until the new white knight is ready to pick up her slack. What a horrible mind f*ck.

[once removed]

hi Sparky5, i want to join RolandOfEld and say

im really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us.

it does sound like a very emotionally trying place to be.

whats the status of this relationship shes entertaining? is it an online thing? how did you find out, and how long has it been going on?

what are the primary sources of ongoing conflict between the two of you in say, the past six months, and what do they look like?

often times, the first step is stopping the bleeding. do you have any thoughts to a plan, as far as what youd like to do, outside of that?

[Skip]

She leaves on weekends and doesn't come home... .

How often does this happen? Where does she stay? Do you know if she is seeing someone?

I don't know if I should start getting moving boxes and packing her things or if that would trigger an outlandish episode.

She has been living with you for 10 years? You may have obligations to her under the common law marriage statutes (if your state has common law marriage) and/or the property code regarding evictions. This is only to say, getting her out is more about working out terms and giving her notice than getting boxes.

Is the relationship over and dead? How long? You say you find it hard to leave - what is the good part of the relationship currently?

[Mutt]

Hi Sparky5,

The pain is bad but my family is behind me.

Family and friends mean well when it comes to these things usually they’ll tell you to just get out.

Ten years is a long time and it’s more complicated than that, you said that it’s painful Sheri’s site validates that anger but her site doesn’t have legs beyond that, that’s what we’re here for. We work with you constructively at your pace. Play the long game.

I’d advise against packing her things up for now this isn’t easy and you’re probably right she’ll lash out I think that you have the right idea for now with emotionally detaching if that’s what you want.

[juju2]

Hi,

Am also dealing w separation from a ten year r/s, dxBPD, untreated.  We see eachother once a week.

  When i was married, went to counseling, before our divorce, the T said it would take me a long time to recover, to be healthy enough to trust myself around dating, like 5 years.  That was 20 years ago, it was very good advice that i actually followed!

For me, it's like having to get a heart transplant, and then figuring out when you will run a marathon.

I have to take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time.  I need to also gather loving closed mouth friends, who will just listen.  ((I don't need my family upset at me because i am not following their advice to run... .)so, i stopped sharing anything about my r/s with family or friends who are not closed mouth.

I don't have any answers.  I have one day at a time, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time.

Bless you,

j

[Sparky5]

hi Sparky5, i want to join RolandOfEld and say

im really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us.

it does sound like a very emotionally trying place to be.

whats the status of this relationship shes entertaining? is it an online thing? how did you find out, and how long has it been going on?

what are the primary sources of ongoing conflict between the two of you in say, the past six months, and what do they look like?

often times, the first step is stopping the bleeding. do you have any thoughts to a plan, as far as what youd like to do, outside of that?

I'm not sure what the status of the relationship is. She admits that she is interested in someone else and refuses to put it on the back burner until she moves out. Her oldest daughter actually told me about it, said she's behaving like a "home wrecker" , apparently this guy is in a relationship that's not doing so well. she also has an online dating profile as well though I have no idea what's going on there.
    Our primary sources of conflict? Could be anything that comes to her mind. She would probably say that she doesn't get enough attention but how do you interact with someone that has been raging weekly for nearly a decade? God knows I tried but after all of the FOG I became passive and to be honest, afraid of her. From what I understand this is a predictable evolution. She no longer has any respect for me as a man. Quite emasculating. Also, in the last few months, she decided she did not want to take her meds anymore and has increased her alcohol consumption quite a bit. I must say, her rage is terrifying.
    Plans to stop the bleeding? I suppose I need to start the eviction process. I've tried writing letters from the heart, praying with her, reasoning with her (which seems impossible) I even asked if she could just table this behavior until she moves out, but to no avail. I've lost 25 pounds in the last three weeks. I can't sleep when she's out all night and I can barely eat. My therapist is on vacation and I don't have an appointment until June 14. This is taking a real physical toll on me. Any advice you could give me to stop the bleeding would be appreciated. Family doesn't seem to get it, they just say "get over it, she's been using you and abusing you for years and you deserve to be happy!" I'm beginning to understand that as a small child my mother was emotionally unavailable. I actually had a speech impediment (stuttering) until I was six and when my gf really rages, I actually start stuttering which REALLY must mean something.
     Intellectually, I know this has been toxic for long time. Emotionally, I vacillate between wanting her out NOW and being willing to do anything to keep her. Good Lord am I a mess. Thank you for your help in advance.

[Sparky5]

How often does this happen? Where does she stay? Do you know if she is seeing someone?

She has been living with you for 10 years? You may have obligations to her under the common law marriage statutes (if your state has common law marriage) and/or the property code regarding evictions. This is only to say, getting her out is more about working out terms and giving her notice than getting boxes.

Is the relationship over and dead? How long? You say you find it hard to leave - what is the good part of the relationship currently?

Hey Skip, thank you for the response.
Lately she leaves on Friday afternoon and I don't see her until Sunday night. She claims she sees her "crush" in a group but I've caught her in big lies before and when questioned her body language is very revealing. I've tried to throw a Hail Mary in the last week but I am met with a stiff arm and "it's to late". It's my house so she's the one who needs to leave. Is there a good part of the relationship? I don't know. I've been able to have a few conversations with her and a few dinners at the kitchen table in the last week but she seems to have her mind made up. It's my understanding that Borderlines will try to leave doors open a crack in case they need an option. Other than that it hasn't been good. I've been the target of her rage for a long time, in the last year I began standing up for myself, I couldn't take it anymore. I probably didn't do it right but when she would start with the FOG I would just say " you know what? This isn't a prison, if you really think that little of me why are you here?" Now she tearfully throws that back saying that is the reason she's interested in someone else. I just want a peaceful relationship but I don't think that will ever be possible with her.
     As far as the common law marriage is concerned, we live in California and as far as I know there is no common law marriage here UNLESS you ever PRESENTED as a married couple. I did propose and gave her a ring about five years ago but she kept taking it off and on and talking about divorce before we were ever married. After finding out that she had a bunch of back child support due, I told her we would have to wait until that was handled. I refused to end up being on the hook for sixteen grand of back support. In the last week, in desperation, I presented the wedding bands which I still have, which she refused. I'm sorry I such a mess. I understand the eviction process and I have to give her thirty days written notice after which if she is still here, I have to go to court to get an injunction which will give her fifteen more days after which I can have a sheriffs deputy intervene. I don't think it will go that far... .I hope! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-Sparky

[Sparky5]

Hi,

Am also dealing w separation from a ten year r/s, dxBPD, untreated.  We see eachother once a week.

  When i was married, went to counseling, before our divorce, the T said it would take me a long time to recover, to be healthy enough to trust myself around dating, like 5 years.  That was 20 years ago, it was very good advice that i actually followed!

For me, it's like having to get a heart transplant, and then figuring out when you will run a marathon.

I have to take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time.  I need to also gather loving closed mouth friends, who will just listen.  ((I don't need my family upset at me because i am not following their advice to run... .)so, i stopped sharing anything about my r/s with family or friends who are not closed mouth.

I don't have any answers.  I have one day at a time, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time.

Bless you,

j

     Thank you juju and bless you for your responses to my post. Indeed I am taking it one hour to one minute at a time. I am in recovery and actually picked up a new sponsor today. I hadn't been to a meeting for about five years but was quite active for a seven year period. I've been hitting lots of meetings in the last few days and it has been a great blessing to be welcomed back with open arms. I chose a sponsor this time that always intimidated me a bit, a real ass kicker but with an absolute heart of gold.
    I've been told that recovering from these relationships takes a long time which may be one of the reasons I am so apprehensive to begin my journey in aloneness. I can see some childhood issues in this and I want to relate to them in a healthy way and move forward. I pray A LOT and I know that God is not the author of confusion, my emotionally battered mind is. I also know that He has a plan for me and I need to be in a healthy enough position to seek His will so that I may experience His plan.
     How long have you been separated? Did you frequently deal with rage and FOG? How did you cope? God bless you juju!
-Sparky

[Sparky5]

Hi Sparky5,

Family and friends mean well when it comes to these things usually they’ll tell you to just get out.

Ten years is a long time and it’s more complicated than that, you said that it’s painful Sheri’s site validates that anger but her site doesn’t have legs beyond that, that’s what we’re here for. We work with you constructively at your pace. Play the long game.

I’d advise against packing her things up for now this isn’t easy and you’re probably right she’ll lash out I think that you have the right idea for now with emotionally detaching if that’s what you want.

Thanks Mutt for the comment and advice and thank you for being here for the long game. Sheris site is interesting but once I watched a video of hers I realized she was pretty ill herself. I'll take your advice against packing her things or rounding up boxes for the move. I just feel like I can't really heal until she's actually out of the house. I really feel like I'm being played Mutt. Like she wants to keep this door open until she solidifies the relationship with the next white knight. It's not that I want to detach, it's just that I feel it's probably the most healthy thing I can do. I don't sleep when she's gone and get vivid x rated images in my head... .it's horrible. I lay in bed and pray. I've lost 25 pounds in three weeks. This is taking one hell of a toll. Any advice is appreciated more than you can imagine. Thanks Mutt
-Sparky

[once removed]

okay. so youve made it clear you want to restore the relationship and shes shut you down, and is unwilling to even table going out.

so as far as stopping the bleeding, we can write off any romantic gestures or reconciliation attempts.

stopping the bleeding in this case looks to me like getting emotionally centered and taking good care of yourself, eat, sleep, the whole nine yards. it might look like being in the house less often. do you have places you can go?

it also looks to me like no discussions about the relationship, staying out of the way and avoiding being a target.

does she have any plans, has she taken any steps, as far as moving out?

thats pretty tough that your therapist is out until the fourteenth. are there any local counseling options in the meantime? i would highly recommend seeing a doctor for a meds evaluation. ive been there with the inability to eat or sleep, and it makes everything much worse.