Better to clearly ask for NC or to let it slowly dwindle?

[blooming]

Hi everyone!

I was wondering what in your opinion is the best way to achieve NC/LC with an ex BPD, so the way that creates the least problematic situations/conversations. Would it be better to let your ex in a polite way know that you need space to get over him/her and that it's better for you to not have contact at the moment and that you hope he/she understands it. Or would it be better to keep reacting to their messages, but be clear with your boundaries when it comes to meeting up or something? In the hope that they eventually get the message?

[spero]

Hi there blooming,

How are you doing?

Hi everyone!

I was wondering what in your opinion is the best way to achieve NC/LC with an ex BPD, so the way that creates the least problematic situations/conversations.

Before i jump into a personal response, have you managed to take a look at our resource? on No-contact?

You may find the link to the article here below.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Yours,
Spero

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blooming,

How much contact are you having at present and what do you wish to achieve?  You mention LC as well as NC.  Have you got in mind one or the other?  For myself, I found being clear and resolute was the best way.  Maintaining contact can give the impression that the 'door is open' and that there is a possibility of a recycle either now or in the future.  The main thing is to know what you want.  I didn't want to string my ex along or allow him to have any hope of reconciliation because for me there was none.  It was also very painful for me to continue speaking with him or seeing him and was preventing me from healing.  Let us know what your thoughts are on this and we can help you to decide the best course of action that is right for you.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Blooming,

If you're saying that you're going to state your boundary if she doesn't respect NC I'd say it once maybe a second time but I wouldn't go beyond that because you can't control someone else you can only control how you act and react. Set the boundary on yourself and if she contacts your boundary is that you won't respond keep defending it if you didn't have boundaries before and you set a hard one like this expect some backlash.

[blooming]

Hi there blooming,

How are you doing?

Before i jump into a personal response, have you managed to take a look at our resource? on No-contact?

You may find the link to the article here below.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Yours,
Spero

Hi spero,

I'm sorry, I was away for the weekend so could only reply now. I'm not doing very well. I think I kind of expected my ex to contact me again this weekend, but he didn't. And I checked his last.fm account last night and he was listening music, which means he didn't go to the concert he asked me to go to with him after all. From the music he was listening I gathered he was with someone else. I really need to try to stop looking at his last.fm account, because it's pretty much only hurting me. I'm happy when I see he's listening to classical music in the middle of the night, because I know he's alone (he listens to that when he can't sleep). I'm sad when I see he's listenig to certain types of music around dinner time and after that, because he used to put that kind of music on during our dates and then I start thinking about who he's with and that hurts so bad. I really can't cope with the fact that he's probably already with someone else. And I'm starting to think more and more that he's really letting me go (because he hasn't contacted me since last weekend) and that hurts so bad. I know it's for the best, but I can't be glad about it. Part of me wished for him to beg me to come back, so that I know that he cared. Especially after finding out he cheated on me.

I have read the article you talked about. I don't really understand it though. No contact the right way means low contact? Because you should try not to trigger your BPD and detach slowly?

[blooming]

Hi Blooming,

How much contact are you having at present and what do you wish to achieve?  You mention LC as well as NC.  Have you got in mind one or the other?  For myself, I found being clear and resolute was the best way.  Maintaining contact can give the impression that the 'door is open' and that there is a possibility of a recycle either now or in the future.  The main thing is to know what you want.  I didn't want to string my ex along or allow him to have any hope of reconciliation because for me there was none.  It was also very painful for me to continue speaking with him or seeing him and was preventing me from healing.  Let us know what your thoughts are on this and we can help you to decide the best course of action that is right for you.

Love and light x

We're having me pretty much no contact. My ex contacted me last weekend and we had a pretty long conversation. Because of that conversation I thought he would contact me again soon and that he would try to recycle, and I wanted to know what the best way was to prevent that. But he hasn't contacted me since, so I was worried about nothing. Apparently he doesn't care anymore and is probably happy with another.

Well I think that in the future I'd like to know from time to time how he and his family are doing, that's why I mentioned LC.

You're right that it hurts to see him or speak to him. But it hurts to not see him or speak to him too. I keep envisioning him with another and it hurts so bad. I saw him last Friday, he was cycling the other way. He didn't see me or he ignored me. It was so strange and has left a gaping hole. I miss him so much. I know it needs to be over and I know I can never have him back, but I just can't cope with the fact that he'll be out of my life now. Or that when I see him he'll be happy with another. It hurts so bad.

[MyBPD_friend]

Dear Blooming,

I think it'sd not a good idea to be indifferent about contact, NC or low contact.

What Harley Quinn pointed out is very much bottom line for me.

" Maintaining contact can give the impression that the 'door is open' and that there is a possibility of a recycle either now or in the future.  The main thing is to know what you want."

It is very difficult to go NC completely, like I did in April. I found this is the only chance to get myself feeling free. She can't contact me, except by mail, which she would never do. I got a new phone number. I think much less of her, I don't think or wait for any contact or message, because she can't do that anymore.

I also found every recycle might take you deeper into depression and feeling badly.
You'll see, things will get better and life will improve by time, just give yourself time and be patient.

My best wishes to you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blooming, I wonder whether checking his last.fm account is helping you to detach?  It seems counter-productive to me, because it is giving you fodder to project about what he is doing.  Instead, I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  What can you do to treat yourself with care and compassion?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[blooming]

Hey blooming, I wonder whether checking his last.fm account is helping you to detach?  It seems counter-productive to me, because it is giving you fodder to project about what he is doing.  Instead, I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  What can you do to treat yourself with care and compassion?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

It's definitely not helping me detach, but somehow I can't bring myself to really do that. I know I should detach, I know that I can never let him back in (not that that's necessary, because he doesn't want me anymore anyway), I know it's really over now. I just can't get myself to realise that that's good for me. That I should be glad about that. All I'm feeling is sadness and hurt and not being good enough and failure. Today I realised that he probably didn't want or love me anymore after that first break-up in november (if he even loved me at all). The past half year he has probably just used me for easy attention. He never wanted me back. He never wanted to really have a relationship with me again. He didn't think of me in that way anymore. I was just easy and he probably liked the fact that I got back with him every time, that was good for his ego. I really can't cope with this realisation. I feel like such a zero. I just want to disappear.

[Wicker Man]

I know I should detach

I don't know if this helps you any --but I know my BPD ex loved me deeply when she loved me, just as she hated me bitterly when she hated me.  She has no control over her emotional state -she is a leaf blowing in the wind.

I am firmly no contact for a few reasons.  One of them being: I believe her life will be as traumatic, horrific, and painful as her childhood had been.  I simply can't watch the slow and painful demise of someone I cared so much about.

It is fortunate my therapist is currently treating some BPD patients, so he understands the experience I have endured and the emotional fallout.

Having partial contact puts you on a 'variable reward schedule' -this is the most seductive of all the reward schedules -like a slot machine.  It means every time you look at your phone -which, if you are like me, is often... .You will constantly be wondering if he sent something -hurt if he has and hurt if he has not.  damned if you do, damned if you don't... .

It feels very liberating to leave my phone on the table now and walk away from it.
 

I know how much it hurt for me to end my BPD relationship, and I sure as hell remember the devastation I felt the week she ghosted me.  Ending any relationship is painful, but for some reason BPD transforms painful into excruciating.   --If you can try to stop viewing yourself through the lens of this relationship. 



Wicker Man

[blooming]

I don't know if this helps you any --but I know my BPD ex loved me deeply when she loved me, just as she hated me bitterly when she hated me.  She has no control over her emotional state -she is a leaf blowing in the wind.

Yeah I guess it helps a bit knowing that he loved me. I don't think he hates me know, he's never said anything like that to me and I have never given him any reason to hate me. I just think he's kind of indifferent or something.

I am firmly no contact for a few reasons.  One of them being: I believe her life will be as traumatic, horrific, and painful as her childhood had been.  I simply can't watch the slow and painful demise of someone I cared so much about.

Hmm never thought about that. I hope his life won't be. On the other hand it will be very hard to see him happy with someone else, with whom it does work and who is good enough for him.

It is fortunate my therapist is currently treating some BPD patients, so he understands the experience I have endured and the emotional fallout.

Having partial contact puts you on a 'variable reward schedule' -this is the most seductive of all the reward schedules -like a slot machine.  It means every time you look at your phone -which, if you are like me, is often... .You will constantly be wondering if he sent something -hurt if he has and hurt if he has not.  damned if you do, damned if you don't... .

It feels very liberating to leave my phone on the table now and walk away from it.

Well I don't have it every time I look, but multiple times a day, yes.
 

I know how much it hurt for me to end my BPD relationship, and I sure as hell remember the devastation I felt the week she ghosted me.  Ending any relationship is painful, but for some reason BPD transforms painful into excruciating.   --If you can try to stop viewing yourself through the lens of this relationship. 



Wicker Man

What do you mean by ghosting? And what do you mean viewing yourself through the lens of this relationship?

[Struggler123]

Yeah I guess it helps a bit knowing that he loved me. I don't think he hates me know, he's never said anything like that to me and I have never given him any reason to hate me. I just think he's kind of indifferent or something.

Hmm never thought about that. I hope his life won't be. On the other hand it will be very hard to see him happy with someone else, with whom it does work and who is good enough for him.

Well I don't have it every time I look, but multiple times a day, yes.
 
What do you mean by ghosting? And what do you mean viewing yourself through the lens of this relationship?

I’m not sure if this helps but, just a few words of wisdom if you call it. My ex said she will never love anyone the way she loved me but the truth is words=feelings, feelings=opinions, opinions=changing. The truth is, its like a tipping scale, one day its like all the load is off and the next day your about to get piled. The point is, BPD’s don’t rationalize the same way we do. The terms ghosting, replacements these are all terms we use to cope with the fact that it was not a NORMAL relationship. Its been a month since my ex last contacted me. At first she felt like I was leaving her, but once she got the sense that she was leaving me, she was suddenly calm about it. The thing is, its all about “I will leave you first before you leave me.” She found someone else to cater to all her needs. The main question is what are you looking for, closure? If thats what your looking for, you will have to do it one sided. I remember telling my ex, I can’t be friends with you because I don’t know how to anymore, and she said I understand, I love you. Point is, its all mirroring, if she understood what I said. She would have showed remorse, or an apology, she felt it was my fault and now here are the consequences. Was my break up, better than others in this forum? Sure, but thats because I gave up myself to please her. When she felt like, the new guy can “replace me” she went for it. And the cycle repeats... .just my opinion but the more you dig the bigger the hole gets. Concentrate on yourself, exercise, eat right and be with the people that actually love you and not a temporary discarded kind of love. Wish you the best!