Feel like I may have to make a really hard decision soon.

[LL]

I need some input/advice. So I left my partner in December. Things have been rough since I left. I've been working my butt off to rebuild my life. In the meantime, he has had our dog. She means the world to me. He has "let" me see her, usually making it quite difficult, saying he won't drop everything just to let me see her (even though I've given plenty of notice) or that he is busy, or that he is looking out for her best interest now and doesn't want to reset the clock on her missing me. He has been all over the board regarding excuses. I finally have transportation and am able to come pick her up myself, so this week I asked him on Wed if it would be possible for me to see her this weekend. He didn't respond until Friday, saying maybe Saturday would work. Basically, he didn't get back to me with a time until 30 minutes before asking if I could come right then. Of course, I am waiting for a response and can't wait to see her so I go to get her. We met at a park. I walked up, he dropped her leash on the ground and walked away. He clearly can't stand the sight of me. This and his recent comment online are pretty hurtful. I don't know what to do. I love my dog so much, but I can't subject myself to this type of treatment.

I feel this might seem silly to some. Just a dog, etc. I'm sure dog lovers will understand. I don't know what to do. I don't like being treated this way. I know he thinks he is justified in his anger. I've told people about the way he treated me, hoping for support. I had to leave my home, my life has been destroyed. He can't seem to see past himself enough to see the damage he has caused.

Again, sorry if my troubles seem trite. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm really glad that this place exists.

[mama-wolf]

Hi LL, so glad you are here! I’m a dog lover and I completely understand where you are coming from!

Quick question... .how is it that you as a couple  came to own the pup?  Was she a rescue?  Whose name is on the paperwork? Just wondering if you have any standing to be recognized as owner... .

Either way, I can imagine missing her dearly.  I am on the cusp of separating from my uBPDw, and I really don’t know what will happen with our dog. uBPDw’s name is on the rescue paperwork, but I am in the best position to buy out the house that has a nice big yard, which the pup would benefit a frat deal from.  It will be hard not having the dog in the house if uBPDw digs her heels in... .

mw

[LL]

She is a rescue. We got her for both of us, but a huge part of the decision to get her was as an emotional support for me. She is in his name. I dont really have a leg to stand on in regards to ownership. That and having to start from nothing, I don't have a stable living situation just yet.  I was hoping to have visits until I get a place of my own, but he is making it very hard.

[Mutt]

Hi LL,


I’m sorry that you’re going through this especially for a Saturday night. I think that he knows that the dog a lot to you. There’s a period after a break up where there are a lot of hurt feelings and sometimes when we hurt we want the other partner to know so we retaliate.

The options that I see are you could keep trying, have more time behind you and wait until things settle more or if you get your own place you could if the could visit. I know that they’re probably not the most optimal options.

I think that you have time you might not make a hard choice yet you could shelve for now you even got be it a couple of weeks and try asking then again? My point is if he knows that the dog means the world to you unfortunately he’ll probably take advantage of that. Maybe spacing the requests out might help.

[LL]

I don't ask him to see her often. I hadn't seen her in two months before yesterday. I'm just finding that each time I do initiate a visit that it involves a lot of emotional pain. I'm stronger than I was when I left him, but I am still struggling with what has happened and each time I see his face it triggers me, especially when he is being unkind.  I feel lost in the world right now, and my dog makes me feel happy and safe. I'm also considering a move away from the city I live in, I don't really have friends here and this place is so full of painful reminders of the past. This, of course, would mean having a discussion about our dog and who she would live with permanently. I guess I don't have to make a decision about her yet.  I'm worried that I may have to leave her in order to distance myself enough from him to heal completely. NC is not an option with joint custody arrangements in place.

I'm hurt because this man feels that he is the victim. He refuses to acknowledge the abusive behavior and he is mad at me... How does that work? You mistreat someone, say and do terrible things, lie prolifically, and then you play the victim in the situation. It's so frustrating. I did have a realization last night though; I put up with way too much for too long AND I'm still doing it to myself. I can be compassionate, but I also need to keep in the forefront of my mind, the fact that he is an abusive partner. He did this, I didn't abuse him, I'm not crazy. As long as he refuses to acknowledge his abusive behavior there is nothing that can be done. It's painful, it's loss, but it wasn't my fault. I need my pain about the loss of the relationship to not cloud the reality, that he is abusive, he doesn't think he was, therefore he won't change. I can't control that.

Ugh... .It's a rollercoaster. I feel sad, angry, compassionate, empowered, and weak. Retraining your brain is not easy work, and the rollercoaster sometimes makes me feel like a crazy person.

[Wicker Man]

I don't mean this to sound horrible, but have you considered adopting a new dog?  There are shelters full of dogs which need a loving home.

Theoretically, if you were to find another dog to love, in a different way, because all dogs are uniquely special. Could then perhaps begin to distance yourself from your ex and his continued abuse?

My ex's dogs were safe with her.  They never were the focus of her rage, so at least in my experience your dog is in no danger.  She was great with her dogs -it was one of our connections. 

Now that I think about it... .if she treated me as well as she treated her dogs -I wouldn't be writing on this BBS... .

I feel very deeply for people who have lost so much to BPD.

Your feelings of loss and despair are not trite.  Loss hurts.


Wicker Man


Wicker Man 

[LL]

Hi Wicker Man. I have thought about adopting another dog. It may be something I have to do. I don't know if I can tolerate my ex's behavior and still progress in my own healing. It's a tough decision. Right now I am going to try to focus on working and saving. When I am settled in my new place I will have to have a conversation with my ex, explaining that I just can't have him in my life as long as he continues down the path he is on and that means not having contact with him even to do doggie handoffs. Hopefully we can come up with an arrangement, but in the end, it's all up to what he wants to do, I don't have legal rights to her and if he doesn't want to give her to me then I will just have to accept that.  It's not an easy decision for either of us and I do recognize that it will be hard for whoever ends up not living with her.

Now that I think about it... .if she treated me as well as she treated her dogs -I wouldn't be writing on this BBS.

I can relate to this.  It's hard to explain but he used to use her to cause emotional harm to me. He stopped giving me affection, he stopped doing nice things for me and started doing them for her. If someone offered a kindness to me, he would walk up and say, oh, it's for the dog? when it was obviously not for her. Again, hard to explain what he did, but it was hurtful.

[Wicker Man]

I don't know if I can tolerate my ex's behavior and still progress in my own healing. It's a tough decision.

This is what I was picking up on from your post earlier.  Yes -the importance of our furry friends in our lives cannot be underestimated.  (If nothing else they give us plausible deniability when we are talking to ourselves... .  Nope... .I was talking to the dog... .)  My dog must be incredibly bored with hearing about my failed relationship by now... .I swear she is rolling her eyes at me from time to time... .

Your well being has to come first.  You do have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things.  --You first.

Hopefully we can come up with an arrangement, but in the end, it's all up to what he wants to do

--I know what you meant, but the things we say and repeat to ourselves effect our emotional state and ultimately our actions.  You do have some say in this matter. --When you discuss arrangements for your dog try to keep in mind you are both equal.  Try to keep the discussion level, emotionally cool and on topic.

I hope you have some luck.

It's not an easy decision for either of us and I do recognize that it will be hard for whoever ends up not living with her.

Please be careful about allowing yourself to be open to more abuse out of love for your dog.  In my situation I have had to maintain no contact -I cannot have my undiagnosed BPD ex in my life. 

There are some things I will never see again, but they are only things -I tried, through a mutual friend, asking to get some of my things (family heirlooms) back... .it didn't go well.  The friend instead suggested we re-start our relationship... .ugh.

Your situation is difficult -and I do wish you the best of luck with it.



Wicker Man