facing challenges

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi I'm an adult female with a sister who has BPD. I'm pretty certain my mother also has BPD, but she is aging and a long distance from me. My sister lives near me. I have my own family now. She seems to be running fast on her roller coaster of emotions the last 2 weeks, after another break up from a boyfriend. Her go to tactic is to try to bait me into an argument. It's been a while since I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I'm having a harder time than usual dealing with her roller coaster of emotions, because I have my own family with little kids to take care of and a full time job I love, but that sometimes requires a lot from me. At the end of the day, I really don't even want to get on board with her. I came here to find support.

[Go2Gurl]

Hi I'm an adult female with a sister who has BPD. I'm pretty certain my mother also has BPD, but she is aging and a long distance from me. My sister lives near me. I have my own family now. She seems to be running fast on her roller coaster of emotions the last 2 weeks, after another break up from a boyfriend. Her go to tactic is to try to bait me into an argument. It's been a while since I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I'm having a harder time than usual dealing with her roller coaster of emotions, because I have my own family with little kids to take care of and a full time job I love, but that sometimes requires a lot from me. At the end of the day, I really don't even want to get on board with her. I came here to find support.

[LeneLu]

Go2Gurl,

My story is similar to yours and can only offer sympathy.  I am married with a family and job, yet if I didn't put my BPDsis first (I am NC now), all hell would break loose.  And if I ever put my own personal needs first, forget about it. 

I haven't had to nurse my sis thru many romantic break ups.  When she was about 35, she seemed to just give up on dating altogether aside for an occasional flirtation. She really couldn't handle the potential for rejection so she just stopped. Up until then, she dated a lot, yet never got serious enough with anyone to even bring them home for one dinner. I don't think she dated men weak enough to stick around... .I think they figured her out before too long.

Dating must be an incredibly fear-inducing experience for BPDs. It is the ultimate kind of rejection if there is a break up.  Family can't break up with them, so of course they can take it out so easily on us without the same repercussions.  I wish I could break up with my sis.

I know it feels totally unfair that you have "many gods to serve" so to speak with your primary responsibilities and you still have to be at her beck and call. 

LeenLou

[Sparky5]

Hi I'm an adult female with a sister who has BPD. I'm pretty certain my mother also has BPD, but she is aging and a long distance from me. My sister lives near me. I have my own family now. She seems to be running fast on her roller coaster of emotions the last 2 weeks, after another break up from a boyfriend. Her go to tactic is to try to bait me into an argument. It's been a while since I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I'm having a harder time than usual dealing with her roller coaster of emotions, because I have my own family with little kids to take care of and a full time job I love, but that sometimes requires a lot from me. At the end of the day, I really don't even want to get on board with her. I came here to find support.

Hey Goto,
   Glad you here, I remember reading that book many years ago and the fit of rage my gf went into when she found it. That must be difficult to experience BPD from a sibling perspective. Perhaps she's looking to create some chaos since her recent target is out of the picture? It has been my experience that this is often the case. It seems that serenity just isn't something they are comfortable with for very long. Hang in there!
-Sparky

[Sparky5]

Go2Gurl,

 I don't think she dated men weak enough to stick around... .I think they figured her out before too long.


LeenLou

A few thoughts... .
1.) What an incredible insight I had never considered.
2.) I must resemble that remark as I was in a r/s for a decade
And 3.) Thank you!

-Sparky

[LeneLu]

I am sorry.  That was a poor choice of words.  What I meant is that she may have dated men that probably weren't very accepting of her behavior. Unlike me who has put up with it because my self esteem allowed me to think it was my problem.

[Sparky5]

I am sorry.  That was a poor choice of words.  What I meant is that she may have dated men that probably weren't very accepting of her behavior. Unlike me who has put up with it because my self esteem allowed me to think it was my problem.

Oh no you don't need to apologize I really believe that was incredibly insightful and true. My divorce wasn't even final when I started the relationship. I was still hurting and vulnerable, trying to stop the bleeding. I had no business getting into a new relationship but it's what I do because I have never been good at being alone. This time around I'm going to do some intensive therapy to sort out my emotional baggage so as not to repeat this behavior. This is the third mentally ill woman I have gotten involved with so what does that say about me? I'm a caretaker and a codependent.
    Seriously, that was very insightful. Thank you so much!
-Sparky

[Go2Gurl]

Thanks so much for your replies! Just finding this page and being able to express in a "safe place" is invaluable. My sister doesn't view herself as having BPD (of course). She has a slew of other diagnoses. I went to a therapist after my sister tried committing suicide (1 of like 5 times). I was explaining the relationship and that was when my therapist introduced me to this diagnosis and recommended "Eggshells" to me. When I read it, I realized that the description and what I had grown up with also distinctly described by mother. It was eye opening. I watched a video last night on you tube of the author of that book describing her relationship with her mother. She described how since she had a great physical distance from her mother, they had a great relationship. I always say my mother and I have the best phone relationship. Her BPD tendencies have mellowed over time, she is much less verbally demeaning now. My sister is essentially a by product of that behavior and learned behaviors. I feel like she looks the most like she has BPD after a break-up. She has vowed to not date and expresses she is unlovable and alone. No words from me really support her. She does try to pick fights to aim her frustrations towards someone. I will likely check back in with a therapist soon, because these behaviors wear on my after a while, no matter how knowledgeable and patient I initially feel.

[Sparky5]

Sounds like you already have some great insight into the childhood issues, which I believe are the genesis of it all. Great job!