Good or bad,idk

[Catlady3.14]

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how to order this either  but I'll give it a shot. Forgive me if I bounce around.
I'm trying to stay calm and tell myself no matter good or bad I can not control it and I can only control myself. So far I've done an decent job.
My husband had a job this week. A side job,  I've known about it for a week. The night before, Friday he gets a call the guy wants him to come over at 6pm to get set up for the following day. Hee said then he might stay there. Because it'd be late to drive home( a 15 min ride)
But okay. First I was mad. Then I thought you know a break from you and from us may just be what we need. things have went pretty well between us for a week now? Not sure on dates. But I was thinkin, of asking for a separation these last few fights and blow outs.
Where he is staying though is the exact place he has been when he is often dishonest with me. Then telling me once he has done what he wants to.
Idk I really want to think that he realizes maybe we need some separation to get better for ourselves.  And he has been messaging me all day and things have went well.
I am really worried though that he might be with someone or relapse and i feel alone. I
I keep having to flick the "devil" off my should as he's telling me all the ways I look like a naive fool... .He's cheating, he's lyimg , he's blah blah blah again... .
I think I shouldn't feel this way and I don't want to. Honestly I'm scared to trust him with too much of my heart or to trust my own judgements.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi CatLady3.14,

I’ve looked through some of your past posts to try to get a better handle on your story! I’m not sure I have one yet though!

What are the big issues you and your husband are having? Do you feel it might be time to separate? Does he have a drug problem? You are having trouble trusting him while he is away?  What in yourself are you trying to control?

with compassion, pearl.

[Catlady3.14]

Pearl,
This is the start of my cycle with pmdd. I go in a 28 day cycle.
I'm " normal" til I start to, well, ovulate.
Then it feel like I have been hit by a tranquilizer but I'm still walking around. trying to function.
My mind is foggy and my emotions are like a switch. I sometimes can't hear or understand what someone is saying unless I read their lips and process it very slowly.This last for 3-5 days.lingering for up to 10 days. Depression, self hate. You name it.

Because I know this is coming I can understand and deal with it better.
I guess in the post I'm try to wages the good and bad...
There are valid reasons he stayed and there are reasons he should have come home.
His work wasn't an overnight thing. He was only 15 mins from our home.
He stayed at his buddies house where he really shouldn't be. I'm my opinion.
He has cycles through drug abuse. Usually every 4_5 months he relapsed and swears to never do it again.
What I had to control in myself is letting go of trying to control him in anyway and dealing with !myself and controlling my reaction even though I wanted to be mean, cry and ask him to not stay in such a place.
Yes  I wanted to kick and scream like a toddler and demand what I wanted done.

On the good side of him staying the weekend(as it turned out)
Is that we didn't fight. Argue. Or anything.
And I think that helped me come out of my stage without causing more harm to our situation\ rs.

Starting a job or any change like that is a trigger for him. Ann's to some extent for me as well because he rages and lashes out during these stressful times for him.

[Catlady3.14]

I also wanted to add. We have so many issues I don't know what the "biggest" one is.
But my pmdd is a trigger for him. So while my brain is beating me up with every hurtful thing it can conjure up from the past, pressent. During my "norm" I have depression and self esteem issues. During my fog. It is multiple x 1000.
He feels and acts  like I am abandoning him every month.
I understand and try to be present and centered but it isn't something I can fully control.
He gets upset and it turns into a fight of I don't respond quickly or if I ask him what he said because I didn't understand it didn't hear him
No matter what I try this happens to me every month. ( have an appt for family doc this week) and hope to get some help with pmdd.
I have become better at explaining it to my children and him and asking for a little slack during this time.
This weekend with him gone . I messaged him that I was in pain and my mind was very foggy and I was physically exhausted.
I think because he was away he didn't see it as a personal attack/abandonment and he told me he was sorry and to take care of myself and get as much rest as I could.

We have never really been apart during "good times" and this week End was a hard one for me, overlapping with pmdd symptoms and dependency .
My mind kept switching back and forth... .He's cheating. He's doing drugs. He just doesn't love me want to be with me because it was going good and he left. I'm not good enough... .
To... .this is maybe a good step in claiming our own lives and I  know I  can trust him to be honest with me even if he makes a mistake. I need this time to myself so I don't place my emotions in him. ... . 
But I think it turned out to be a good thing. As we both need to be individuals and have our own lives so to speak.
We didn't fight and he is home. We'll see how today goes.
Day by day.

[Catlady3.14]

Yesterday seemed to be going well. He slept til 1pm and I woke him up with coffee.
He hadn't seen the baby in 3 days, baby was asking for him.
He did initially fuss that I had woke him up but then was okay when I told him, I think he should get rest all day and i be wanted to sleep again too do that but I thought they'd like to see each other before the babies nap.
Things were fine all day long.
Dinner time now. Baby punches him in the crotch. I gasp and ask if he is alright. He flips me off and says I laughed at him... I didnt. I said I gasped and asked again if he was okay but he didn't respond. he didn't seem to continue being mad though Things still alright...
He son17 is leaving in 3 weeks to stay the summer with his mom.  He starts talki mg to son about that and visibly gets upset. Starts shaking/ tapping legs.
The night goes on.
All the kids get to bed/ except baby he starts tossing things around, cup, cigarettes. I look at him and he kind of jumps towards me and says what's the problem.
I shake my head and say I'm not sure.
Take baby to bed. Come back down... I say to him what's going on. You seem really upset.
He starts in on how I sent him a crappy message.
( @830pm on Sunday before he was to come home He tells me he was off at 730 and has just been sitting with his buddy but he is on his way home. _a15min drive_ by 930 still not home. By ten I sent him that I was start ing to feel bad, like he didn't really want to come home. By 1145 I call him, thinking something is maybe wrong. He answers, hangs up, calls me back 2 minutes later. Says he is going over the day with his buddy, some weird things happened. I said okay. He said are you okay, we're you worried about me? I say yeah I was really worried, you said you would be home. He said so you're mad. I said no I'm not mad just getting upset and worried... he said I just got your message my phone has been charging and I'm not being a jerk just talking with buddy. I said alright well talk things through and come home he said I'll be there soon. I think he got home around 4 am.)  I realize this wasn't the message I should have sent, it is pathetic and need y to him.)

he can't do anything without me being a complete c*nt.
I should have walked away at this point but I tried to soothe the situation.
He goes on a rant of how I have changed since I started talking to my family again... HE accuses me of this all the time. What ever time line it is, is exactly how long I've been a different person.
He said last fight I had changed in the last month because of my family. I said I have been writi mg my family for 6 months. Now this fight I've been a different person for 6 months.

 " I just can't manage to be a decent partner. " on and on.

The whole last week that I thought we had gotten along fine. " was me "being a c*nt."
 "I was fighting with him the day before he started his job"
None of this is true his time line is off he keeps mixing things up.

I say to him" I'm not sure why you feel that way. Id like to understand where you're coming from. "
That wasn't received well.
He isn't listeni mg to my therapy bs. And that s why I'm crazy.

More bad language and more hostile so I walk outside to smoke. Come back in and ju st go to bed. No words just go to bed because this is the hail storm and the tornado hasn't hit yet and he is going to get worse.
And thankfully I can at least sleep and be a little better prepared.


I know it's all over the place. I just needed to vent. Hopefully someone makes sense out of it.
I wish I could go into more detail. But I have a doc appt for my little one today.
Ugh. So depressed and disappointed.

[pearlsw]

Hi CatLady3.14,

Oh my! Well, I see. My heart really goes out to you for these very stressful parts of your cycle. I have a shorter period of not feeling like myself and it can be pretty rough, but this sounds incredibly intense.

Do you try to make him aware of these times to help him help you a bit - by either using this as a chance for him to take some space or give him the chance to be extra nice to you? (if he wants)

I hear what ya mean though. Because my SO can’t regulate his own emotions well, when mine are off, he will almost inevitably err on the side of making things worse between us, but not always.

On the other hand, one of the best things about having these short periods of being “off” myself, I think I am much more understanding of how truly hard it must be for him to control himself at times. My brain feels completely different and I cannot be so positive or upbeat.  Suddenly things can look very bad if I forget that this is what’s happening to me. It is very foggy and takes a lot of self talk to maintain balance!

I used this self awareness of changes my body as an “in” to express understanding to my SO for his issues and he seemed to appreciate it.

Knowing he won’t handle this phase of your cycle well do you have things you can or could do to help reduce conflict at this time?

There is a lot to discuss here, but I will let others pick up on some of the other points for now…I hope!

warmly, pearl.

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you pearl.
It is hard for me and then he seems to bash me when I try talk to him about pmdd. He uses it against me to validate why I am wrong for everything and why he is right and I am crazy.
Me telling him about my pain and foggy mind while he was away this weekend was the first time I have had a positive response from him.
He also has my cycle down so he knows bout when it is coming. And he anticipates it and uses that against me.
He uses it in a derogatory way and picks at me with sarcastic statements.

I have tried to use it as an in but with no luck.

Reducing conflict means we are back to the silent treatment.
I will attempt to speak to him and he will either ignore me or rage.
If he rages I walk away.
If he ignores me I stop talking.


As for last night it just went terribly wrong.
I asked him if he could tell me when the last week ( after our fight but before he left to work the weekend) I had been crappy to him?
Because as far as I had know we were okay.
He just kept saying we have current problems. You make me miserable, you gaslight me and make it to where I can't even see my son.I can't stand to be around you Because you are such a crazy c*nt. I

I want to run. I want to run and hide and get away because I don't have much of any faith things will ever be Better.

I am not in a position to leave though. And most of the time I couldn't imagine not being with him.
I really do love him. The more I love him the more I hate myself.

[Catlady3.14]

Came home from the doctor... .And we're in silent mode.
He walks out of every room I'm in. And doesn't look at me. Because I'm dont exist to him right now.
I got possible bad news at babies doctor. They're unsure and want to do a MRI. Baby has to be sedated for and hour dur ing process.
Terrifying.

I put the baby to sleep and come back downstairs. I tell him what the doctor said and wants done.
He softens for a few minutes,.  then starts ranting about how the doctor is wrong and the possible diagnosis is crap, doing an MRI doesn't make sense.
I say maybe it is crap and they just want to see his brain. either way, I think the best thing to do would be talk to his primary for blood work and simpler diagnostics first. What do you think?

It is possible that it is a genetic problem for baby. So I say that some of the symptoms are visible in me and that maybe if I asked to be tested this could be ruled out.so the baby avoids having to do blood work.
The conversation turns into, "why baby should do the MRI and it isn't about me. And I should be concerned about baby not my own problems."

I just let him vent and don't reply much for fear of an arguement.

For the record, I of course want the MRI of doc says so. just dont  want to put baby through something he doesn't need if it could be ruled out by blood work or something less extreme.

So anyhow, he stops talking and goes instantly into mad mood. Body away from me, no eye contact, silent mode again... he then calls a friend and talks right beside me.
I wait for kids to come home from school and tell them to go to the library today. They leave.
I go upstairs to lay down. I don't try to talk to him. I guess I should have said I'm laying down or something but I just didn't have it in me.


Come down and he has left.
I have no idea where too.
Possibly the store for food. He doesn't like when I shop and he doesn't like when I go with him... .Freaked out on me in Wal-Mart for getting things I cook with. The look on the ladies face who heard what he was saying to me was such an embarrassment. I wanted to crawl in a hole.

I post this because I want to keep a time line.
It helped me be able to know I wasn't crazy last night. And it is better to have someone to tell me where I Am wrong too
Ugh lost lonely and disappointed things aren't better

[Catlady3.14]

So I got to the doctor yesterday. New medication for my pain and depression. I really hope it works. I'm NOT a fan of any medication. But I plan on giving this a solid month to see changes. I have to get better for myself. I know I'm amped up on emotions for the last what? Week?   Time line in my head is hard to keep up with.
I do Need this to be a good medicine.

Through all my ranting and our episodes I didn't see it but now today I realize how out of touch husband is at times. And I know question, how the he=double hockey sticks did I not see it before.
he honestly lost 4 days. He either doesn't remember them at all or he eliminated them so I could be the bad guy?
I'm not really sure.
He said that we had been fighting all last week while I don't recall us fighting at all. I have been writing all of these things down and trying to keep track. Because he makes me feel crazy alot, saying things didn't happen or did.


So I ask Him what he was talking about. I didntt remember what he is talking about
 He tried to say I was conveniently forgetting how crappy I was.
Then proceeds to quote from at least five days prior but he is certain it was the night before.
I point out it was days ago. He shuts down!
Is this typical BPD?



I feel like I am always putting husband down on here. So I wanted to state a few things I really love about hubby.
He is smart, romantic, funny, a great musician, a very thoughtful person, hard worker, an animal lover,