It's all going to hit me one day, but for now I'm getting things done

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone! How's it going? Whatcha doing over here? Detaching from a Failed Relationship, huh? Mind if I join you?  

So, I just looked at the calendar and it's been 3 and a half weeks. Exactly 25 days ago, my 18 and a half year relationship, 15 and a half married years, came to a most definite end when I received a text message from my wife: ":)addyBear, I filed for divorce" - Not exactly the way I expected it to end, but of course I can't say the end was unexpected.

It's really amazing how many emotions hit you all at once at the beginning. Relief was a big one. Fear. Sadness. Shock. Numbness. I also felt kind of pumped up, a new kind of energy, knowing that the plans I'd been forming needed to be brought into action, now, quickly, and without a lot of rethinking. Divorce IS happening. It's no longer a drill, or a consideration, or a future choice I might have to make. In many ways, I feel like saying "thank you" to my wife for taking that painful, agonizing decision out of my hands.

But, um, that's not going to happen.

You see, we all hear and read about two different kinds of divorce. The first kind is the one we fantasize about. Partners sit down together on the sofa, or side by side at the table, maybe holding hands, maybe looking at each other. They say "we tried so hard, but this isn't working out. Lets do what's best for us and for the kids." The court plays into this fantasy, and many states apparently have mandated mediation sessions. So that initial conversation on the sofa moves to the mediator's office, everyone hugs, shakes hands, and things are done.

Then there's borderline divorce.

The complaint comes in a few days after she texts me. "Extreme cruelty" she says. I've neglected our daughter, emotionally and financially abused her. I've tortured our family pet. I've abused opiates. That's a partial list. The accusations are ridiculous and even reading them, most people I've asked have said "Really? A financially abused person has tens of thousands of dollars in her bank accounts that you earned, AND has tens of thousands of dollars of jewelry you bought her?" Etcetera etcetera.

The tone is set - unsurprisingly - for a contentious all out war for custody and fair distribution of assets and alimony. I've been told now by multiple lawyers that litigating ONE of those issues is at least a $50,000 proposition, IF we're lucky. Doing both, well, you can do the math.

Do you really think, after sinking so much cash and destroying my credit and filing for bankruptcy, that EITHER of us has enough cash to sustain this? OF course not! Each of us could easily burn through most, if not all, of our PARENT'S retirement savings, and move on to other friends, before we're even half finished.

And for what? Seriously and literally the issue at hand is the competency of MY PARENTS and their ability to be kind and loving GRANDparents! Could my wife be using this as an excuse because she really doesn't want ME to have our daughter? Sure. That's possible, even probable. But the message she is telling her lawyers (this is confirmed) - DaddyBear is a good parent, but I will do everything I can do to keep HIS parents away from our daughter.

This is insane!

Anyway, the good news is that for the first time in at least 12 years, maybe more, I am going to spend Mother's Day with MY mother. Plans are made. I'm making the trip. I'm doing it solo - wish I could take my daughter, but, well, I can't see that going well.

More good news - I'm connecting with so many old friends it's like I just got out of prison or something. I met up with my best friend from high school last weekend and had an awesome time. I'm meeting up with an old college friend in a couple of weeks while traveling on business. My co-workers have been incredibly supportive. It's all been outstanding.

Another interesting development was something I didn't expect, don't know what to do with, but I'm glad it happened / is happening. Long story short, I got back in touch with a friend who, back in high school, was more than just a friend. I certainly didn't expect there to still be feelings, let alone mutual feelings, but there seemed to be. It opened my eyes to the possibility that there's still love in my heart, that there's still a place for romance and when the time is right, I can be open to it. I still talk to her every couple of days or so, and we still flirt a little, but we're both in complicated situations and we know the time isn't right. That's not even the point, though. Although, I admit, it would be nice if it did work out someday  

Anyway, since this is the detaching board I'll just add this. Right now, I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I think this is carrying me through the stage where things need to get done. There's a legal battle, there's custody at stake, there's some financial stuff that needs closure. But, does that mean that I don't hurt, a lot, every time I see her around the house? (we still live in the same house, but right now it's more like an involuntary nesting arrangement where we try not to be here at the same time).

It's going to hit me one day, maybe all at once, maybe in chunks. I've got a lot of crying and hurt and pain to process. It scares me but it's got to happen. I'll be ok. I've got support (especially everyone here). But it still sucks.

Thanks for listening - I'm sure this is the first of many posts over the coming days weeks and months.

~DB

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone! How's it going? Whatcha doing over here? Detaching from a Failed Relationship, huh? Mind if I join you?  

So, I just looked at the calendar and it's been 3 and a half weeks. Exactly 25 days ago, my 18 and a half year relationship, 15 and a half married years, came to a most definite end when I received a text message from my wife: ":)addyBear, I filed for divorce" - Not exactly the way I expected it to end, but of course I can't say the end was unexpected.

It's really amazing how many emotions hit you all at once at the beginning. Relief was a big one. Fear. Sadness. Shock. Numbness. I also felt kind of pumped up, a new kind of energy, knowing that the plans I'd been forming needed to be brought into action, now, quickly, and without a lot of rethinking. Divorce IS happening. It's no longer a drill, or a consideration, or a future choice I might have to make. In many ways, I feel like saying "thank you" to my wife for taking that painful, agonizing decision out of my hands.

But, um, that's not going to happen.

You see, we all hear and read about two different kinds of divorce. The first kind is the one we fantasize about. Partners sit down together on the sofa, or side by side at the table, maybe holding hands, maybe looking at each other. They say "we tried so hard, but this isn't working out. Lets do what's best for us and for the kids." The court plays into this fantasy, and many states apparently have mandated mediation sessions. So that initial conversation on the sofa moves to the mediator's office, everyone hugs, shakes hands, and things are done.

Then there's borderline divorce.

The complaint comes in a few days after she texts me. "Extreme cruelty" she says. I've neglected our daughter, emotionally and financially abused her. I've tortured our family pet. I've abused opiates. That's a partial list. The accusations are ridiculous and even reading them, most people I've asked have said "Really? A financially abused person has tens of thousands of dollars in her bank accounts that you earned, AND has tens of thousands of dollars of jewelry you bought her?" Etcetera etcetera.

The tone is set - unsurprisingly - for a contentious all out war for custody and fair distribution of assets and alimony. I've been told now by multiple lawyers that litigating ONE of those issues is at least a $50,000 proposition, IF we're lucky. Doing both, well, you can do the math.

Do you really think, after sinking so much cash and destroying my credit and filing for bankruptcy, that EITHER of us has enough cash to sustain this? OF course not! Each of us could easily burn through most, if not all, of our PARENT'S retirement savings, and move on to other friends, before we're even half finished.

And for what? Seriously and literally the issue at hand is the competency of MY PARENTS and their ability to be kind and loving GRANDparents! Could my wife be using this as an excuse because she really doesn't want ME to have our daughter? Sure. That's possible, even probable. But the message she is telling her lawyers (this is confirmed) - DaddyBear is a good parent, but I will do everything I can do to keep HIS parents away from our daughter.

This is insane!

Anyway, the good news is that for the first time in at least 12 years, maybe more, I am going to spend Mother's Day with MY mother. Plans are made. I'm making the trip. I'm doing it solo - wish I could take my daughter, but, well, I can't see that going well.

More good news - I'm connecting with so many old friends it's like I just got out of prison or something. I met up with my best friend from high school last weekend and had an awesome time. I'm meeting up with an old college friend in a couple of weeks while traveling on business. My co-workers have been incredibly supportive. It's all been outstanding.

Another interesting development was something I didn't expect, don't know what to do with, but I'm glad it happened / is happening. Long story short, I got back in touch with a friend who, back in high school, was more than just a friend. I certainly didn't expect there to still be feelings, let alone mutual feelings, but there seemed to be. It opened my eyes to the possibility that there's still love in my heart, that there's still a place for romance and when the time is right, I can be open to it. I still talk to her every couple of days or so, and we still flirt a little, but we're both in complicated situations and we know the time isn't right. That's not even the point, though. Although, I admit, it would be nice if it did work out someday  

Anyway, since this is the detaching board I'll just add this. Right now, I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I think this is carrying me through the stage where things need to get done. There's a legal battle, there's custody at stake, there's some financial stuff that needs closure. But, does that mean that I don't hurt, a lot, every time I see her around the house? (we still live in the same house, but right now it's more like an involuntary nesting arrangement where we try not to be here at the same time).

It's going to hit me one day, maybe all at once, maybe in chunks. I've got a lot of crying and hurt and pain to process. It scares me but it's got to happen. I'll be ok. I've got support (especially everyone here). But it still sucks.

Thanks for listening - I'm sure this is the first of many posts over the coming days weeks and months.

~DB

[Sparky5]

 Hey DB
   Ouch! That sounds like a very difficult, painful situation. My heart goes out to you brother and it makes me very greatful that I never married mine. Even in our current state of dissolution the resentment and anger oozing from her are unbelievable so in that respect, I totally feel your pain. Can i ask what your plans are for self care? How do you stay out of your head when the pain comes?

-Sparky

[Radcliff]

DB,

Thanks for the update.  Regarding all of those allegations, I would expect that some of the most ridiculous ones will just evaporate.  Save your strength and ammunition until you figure out which ones evaporate and which ones need dealing with.

Regarding your friend -- is she in a complicated situation she is likely to get out of, or stay in?

WW

[ozmatoz]

Hey DB, going along in my ride right along side of you.  Allegations of unfit parent, unreliable, wants me to basically disappear but give her the house and 100% of my earnings to continue to pay for things "as is".  Smearing to our local friends.  She's reached out to a few recent divorced women who "got it all" for advice.  (These women were married to some pretty terrible guys so I'm not surprised).

Basically its one big steaming pile of horse$hit.  Its ludicrous that any person would put someone through this.  Only difference really is after years of her asking/threatening for a divorce it was me who actually filed.

I am happy to hear that you've been able to connect with some old friends.  I have a tiny bit, but I'm pretty captive at my house until I can legally get out of here.  Also good to hear that even after all of the crap you've been through you can still feel a spark.  Flirting feels good.  The more my eyes have been open, the more I realize there are plenty of normal loving women in this world and I will find one that is interested in a mutually loving relationship.  You will too.

All I can say is good luck, I've got my flak jacket and helmet strapped on tight... .

-Oz

[DaddyBear77]

Thanks for the quick replies, everyone - I stepped away from the board for a couple weeks while I screwed my head back on tight, and now I'm going to be spending more time regularly here, so look forward to hearing everyone else's stories as well.

Had another great weekend with my daughter. Today, by random chance, one of D4's schoolmates and her mom were at the playground we went to. i don't know why, but I didn't feel comfortable just yet disclosing the divorce. The mom knows each of us, but neither of us very well. She just knows us from a single birthday party and a few times we crossed paths at the preschool. I talked to her for an hour or so, which again, is more time than either my wife or I have. I think if we talk again I'll mention it. Or maybe not. It's tough to figure out who to tell and how to tell them.

Can i ask what your plans are for self care? How do you stay out of your head when the pain comes?

That's a great question Sparky5. I have some professional support with a really good therapist, as well as the friends I've connected with who are very very supportive (the handful of really good friends know the situation well). I've got my work here on the board which really helps when I immerse myself. Then I've got my job, of course, and that can provide a really good distraction. My weak points are getting enough sleep (I don't), eating well (I'm improving but lots of work to do), and exercise (no regular fitness, I need to fix that).

Regarding your friend -- is she in a complicated situation she is likely to get out of, or stay in?

Well, it turns out that prior to her second marriage (which she is in now), my friend was in a really bad relationship with someone who was diagnosed NPD, suspected BPD. From the stories she's told me, I suspect some ASPD as well. This new relationship / marriage is something she admits was a "bad decision" - she seems to feel very stuck, but I don't know if she'll leave or not. She has 2 children that live with her full time from the first marriage. She has no children (and no plans for more) in the current marriage, but her D9 has bonded with the second husband. It's a lot of complication and I'm listening as a friend, but it's hard to deny (and hide) the sexual tension. I'm backing off as best I can - the timing isn't right, and more than that, I don't want to put my friend into a really tough spot where she has to make a decision, her husband suspects an affair, etc. Lots of things could go wrong.

The really important take away from the situation is confirmation of the idea that I'm a potentially attractive to another female I also find attractive. It's not this impossibility that I had once feared.

Allegations of unfit parent, unreliable, wants me to basically disappear but give her the house and 100% of my earnings to continue to pay for things "as is".  Smearing to our local friends.  She's reached out to a few recent divorced women who "got it all" for advice.  (These women were married to some pretty terrible guys so I'm not surprised).

For the allegations, I think WW is right on - it's a "normal" part of the process, and one that doesn't need much attention at this point.

As for the second part, where friends and professionals line up beside the STBX... .Negative advocates are what those kinds of people are called, I think. It's called out in Bill Eddy's book Splitting. My biggest concern all along has been how much of a negative advocate the women's crisis center became. This is apparently very common, because all of the lawyers and therapists I've spoken to are not surprised in the least. I heard a rumor that the crisis center even wrote some sort of letter on my STBXw's behalf. We'll see if that's true or not or if it even makes a difference. As for me, I've consulted and lined up quite a few advocates myself. I have 2 or 3 therapists who have offered to send written testimonials or make appearances if needed. Of course many of my good friends have said they'll be character witnesses, but I'm not sure if that's even a thing, is it?

I guess as you can see, I'm still in the middle of so many moving parts and focusing on the details. The emotional stuff feels so far away at the moment, but every once in a while I get a little dose of hurt. For example, my STBX has a birthday coming up as well as Mother's Day next weekend. I decided I'm not going to buy a gift, and I still am wondering if I should get a card or not. What I DID do was help my daughter pick out a card and some presents today for both occasions. I'll put them in nice packages and leave them for my daughter to hand to my wife, probably at a time when I'm not around.

It's not like the love stops suddenly after so many years. But there are MANY reasons to put it aside now and focus on what's next for me and my daughter.

[Radcliff]

DB, I get you about needing time to screw your head on straight.  For me, it's a repeating need.  It seems like I keep finding my head all over the house.  "Where is that head? It was right here on my shoulders but it seems to have come unscrewed again."

I think you've assessed the dangers and the key takeaway with your friend well.  Step carefully.  Both of your hearts could get tied in knots.  You are both vulnerable.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with Mother's Day.  Support your daughter.  That is how each of you can show respect for the other, working towards that joint purpose.  Or at least you can!

WW

[ozmatoz]

Agree on the "gifts" for upcoming events.  I know this well.  I turn 40 this week and uBPDw asked me if I even want her at the house... .  I said yes but that she does not need to buy me a gift but knew the girls would want to.  I gave her a few small ideas they could do and even offered to get home early and fire up the grill for the first time. 

It's not like the love stops suddenly after so many years.

No it doesnt, and it shouldnt.  I think of this as taking the high road.  I will be sure the girls get their mother something for mothers day as well.

There have been times I needed to take a break from here as well.  No matter what we are here for you too.

good luck
-Oz

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DB, Yikes!  I have been in your shoes, friend.  One thing that helped me during the divorce process was acknowledging to myself that I was going to be under a lot of stress and would need to be proactive about employing stress reduction techniques.  I guess that sounds pretty obvious, yet it enabled me to view stress reduction as a conscious decision and necessary part of my daily routine.  How to reduce stress?  That's up to you, but here are a few ideas: share feelings with a close friend or family member; get a good workout at the gym; write in a journal; meet with a T; spend time outdoors, perhaps walking in the woods or on a beach; do something creative that requires your full attention (I play guitar and mandolin); practice mindfulness; reach out to friends; be kind and compassionate with yourself; go skiing, or do some other sport that you enjoy; etc.  You get the idea.

Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim