Hey everyone! How's it going? Whatcha doing over here? Detaching from a Failed Relationship, huh? Mind if I join you?
So, I just looked at the calendar and it's been 3 and a half weeks. Exactly 25 days ago, my 18 and a half year relationship, 15 and a half married years, came to a most definite end when I received a text message from my wife: ":)addyBear, I filed for divorce" - Not exactly the way I expected it to end, but of course I can't say the end was unexpected.
It's really amazing how many emotions hit you all at once at the beginning. Relief was a big one. Fear. Sadness. Shock. Numbness. I also felt kind of pumped up, a new kind of energy, knowing that the plans I'd been forming needed to be brought into action, now, quickly, and without a lot of rethinking. Divorce IS happening. It's no longer a drill, or a consideration, or a future choice I might have to make. In many ways, I feel like saying "thank you" to my wife for taking that painful, agonizing decision out of my hands.
But, um, that's not going to happen.
You see, we all hear and read about two different kinds of divorce. The first kind is the one we fantasize about. Partners sit down together on the sofa, or side by side at the table, maybe holding hands, maybe looking at each other. They say "we tried so hard, but this isn't working out. Lets do what's best for us and for the kids." The court plays into this fantasy, and many states apparently have mandated mediation sessions. So that initial conversation on the sofa moves to the mediator's office, everyone hugs, shakes hands, and things are done.
Then there's borderline divorce.
The complaint comes in a few days after she texts me. "Extreme cruelty" she says. I've neglected our daughter, emotionally and financially abused her. I've tortured our family pet. I've abused opiates. That's a partial list. The accusations are ridiculous and even reading them, most people I've asked have said "Really? A financially abused person has tens of thousands of dollars in her bank accounts that you earned, AND has tens of thousands of dollars of jewelry you bought her?" Etcetera etcetera.
The tone is set - unsurprisingly - for a contentious all out war for custody and fair distribution of assets and alimony. I've been told now by multiple lawyers that litigating ONE of those issues is at least a $50,000 proposition, IF we're lucky. Doing both, well, you can do the math.
Do you really think, after sinking so much cash and destroying my credit and filing for bankruptcy, that EITHER of us has enough cash to sustain this? OF course not! Each of us could easily burn through most, if not all, of our PARENT'S retirement savings, and move on to other friends, before we're even half finished.
And for what? Seriously and literally the issue at hand is the competency of MY PARENTS and their ability to be kind and loving GRANDparents! Could my wife be using this as an excuse because she really doesn't want ME to have our daughter? Sure. That's possible, even probable. But the message she is telling her lawyers (this is confirmed) - DaddyBear is a good parent, but I will do everything I can do to keep HIS parents away from our daughter.
This is insane!
Anyway, the good news is that for the first time in at least 12 years, maybe more, I am going to spend Mother's Day with MY mother. Plans are made. I'm making the trip. I'm doing it solo - wish I could take my daughter, but, well, I can't see that going well.
More good news - I'm connecting with so many old friends it's like I just got out of prison or something. I met up with my best friend from high school last weekend and had an awesome time. I'm meeting up with an old college friend in a couple of weeks while traveling on business. My co-workers have been incredibly supportive. It's all been outstanding.
Another interesting development was something I didn't expect, don't know what to do with, but I'm glad it happened / is happening. Long story short, I got back in touch with a friend who, back in high school, was more than just a friend. I certainly didn't expect there to still be feelings, let alone mutual feelings, but there seemed to be. It opened my eyes to the possibility that there's still love in my heart, that there's still a place for romance and when the time is right, I can be open to it. I still talk to her every couple of days or so, and we still flirt a little, but we're both in complicated situations and we know the time isn't right. That's not even the point, though. Although, I admit, it would be nice if it did work out someday
Anyway, since this is the detaching board I'll just add this. Right now, I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I think this is carrying me through the stage where things need to get done. There's a legal battle, there's custody at stake, there's some financial stuff that needs closure. But, does that mean that I don't hurt, a lot, every time I see her around the house? (we still live in the same house, but right now it's more like an involuntary nesting arrangement where we try not to be here at the same time).
It's going to hit me one day, maybe all at once, maybe in chunks. I've got a lot of crying and hurt and pain to process. It scares me but it's got to happen. I'll be ok. I've got support (especially everyone here). But it still sucks.
Thanks for listening - I'm sure this is the first of many posts over the coming days weeks and months.
~DB
