Thanks,
pearl... .
What do you expect the reaction to be like? Worst case scenario? Best case?
I cannot tell her alone, because I know things will fly off the rails pretty immediately. I plan to do it in couples session in a few weeks so that the MC can help keep some control over the situation. As far as her reaction... .
Best case: She'll understand that this has been coming for a while now (even if she's upset about it) and recognize that I have tried so hard to give things a chance to turn around. She'll go home--or to a friend's house--and work through her feelings over the next few days, and come into the following week prepared to discuss separation arrangements. In my state, you have to live apart for one year before you can file for divorce.
Worst case: She will completely fall apart, leave the couples session and find a way to hurt herself. I don't think she would damage property, but worry that she will rage a lot. She may panic and take the limited money from our account (I'm currently working on the best approach to protect finances without triggering/escalating her behavior). She'll vilify me to her family, and make things as difficult as possible for us to actually separate.
I am trying to figure out a script for how to say what I need to say without inviting her desire to argue against my feelings or try to convince me otherwise. Input is invited!
uBPDw, I need to tell you and MC that I just can't continue anymore. I know you're aware I have been struggling with my feelings in this marriage. I have been working hard with my T, trying to change the way I feel and give it a chance to get better, but I think I have just been in denial of where I am. I know you have been working very hard, too, and I have absolutely seen your progress, but I just can't get past this. The work we have both been doing will be so important for us to continue co-parenting together.
I do need to be sure to tell her we will make arrangements that help her get on her feet as part of our separation. That will of course be a huge fear... .how she'll make ends meet since she's just starting up her business.
Do you want to talk more about the things that led to you being traumatized? (Lately, myself, I've had intrusive thoughts and I realize there is a lot of unprocessed stuff inside me too.) Hearing what you are going through is so insightful and always gives me so much to think about/reconsider!
It's hard for me to pin it down. As I have tried to explore and better understand my T's observation, I found an article about behaviors that constitute psychological abuse (
https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17). I have bolded elements that I have experienced for years and added my comments in parentheses. The problem for me is that they were always so subtle, and it has taken a very long time for me to finally start recognizing the behavior. Between years of this, and some very explosive arguments and upsetting behaviors from her, I take it this is what my T believes has caused me trauma.
1) Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2) Constant
put-downs. (She very frequently shares her opinion about something she doesn't like about me, but most often hides it in a joke... .she'll comment about how I look/smell too sweaty after I exercise, or say my breath is bad, or talk about what a turn-off something I'm wearing is to her)
3)
Hypercriticism. (She always has something to say and typically some contradictory argument back to me about what I do, what I think about something, or even just her own general observations about the world in general)
4) Refusing to communicate.
5) Ignoring or excluding you.
6) Extramarital affairs.
7) Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
8)
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice. (Whenever she gets angry with me, the argument is laced with sarcasm and her tone gets very unpleasant... .then she denies that she was being mean because the words she actually said were not mean)
9) Unreasonable jealousy.
10)
Extreme moodiness. (Pretty standard borderline trait)
11) Mean jokes or
constantly making fun of you. (Subtle, and as with the put-downs always cloaked in the excuse of helping me be able to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously)
12) Saying “I love you but…”
13) Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
14) Domination and
control. (She micromanages so much!)
15) Withdrawal of affection.
16) Guilt trips.
17) Making everything your fault.
18)
Isolating you from friends and family. (This has gotten slightly better lately as I have been standing up for my boundaries, but our history over the years has been to pull away from spending time with family and friends, either because we're not spending as much time with her family as with mine, or because the idea of spending that time is "too stressful" because she feels like we have too much going on as a family. Or if it's just for me to go and spnd)
19)
Using money to control. (Not a direct control effort, but she spends and spends, and doesn't follow through on budgeting, so I'm left feeling responsible for making sure we stay afloat)
20)
Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her. (Some days, she will text and text, in addition to sending multiple different emails about different topics... .and if I haven't answered all of them, I get told she feels ignored or dismissed)
21)
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave. (She didn't threaten this to me directly, but has shared that she has had suicidal thoughts, and said in a therapy session I attended with her that if our relationship were to end that would be the most likely thing to push her to follow through. And she has made a comment to me that her life wouldn't have any purpose if we weren't together)
mw
