How Do You Handle Loss?

[Angie59]

Hello  everyone,

I have been posting for some time now and think I am improving regarding my son's uBPD fiancee and getting into my head what I need to do and how to react to all of this.

What I don't know how to do is how to handle this feeling of loss inside.  The loss comes from making boundaries of our own, which we desparately need to do at this point and now having to handle the more distance it will create with seeing our son and grandson.

It reminds me of the saying about losing a loved one (this regarded death).  It went something like, you have taught me so many things in life, but you didn't teach me how to live without you.  I believe it was a child speaking to a parent.  Now, it's the parent trying to figure out how to go on in this world losing my son and grandson both. 

I'm  afraid there will be no easy answers to this.  As usual, just need others opinions and responses and sometimes those in the same position. 

As always, thanks for your time and help.

Angie59

[Panda39]

What boundaries are you planning on setting regarding your son and his fiance?

Panda39

[Angie59]

I guess I really did not make a complete post.  There is something else that I've been thinking about as well as what I just posted.  Would love to pick your brains about this.

Maybe the saying, birds of a feather flock together.  We tend to choose friends it seems who certainly can have some differences in their beliefs, be it, religious beliefs, how they handle their adult children, etc... . So whenever someone wants to show you "who they are," so to speak, in a sense they are showing you things they get pleasure from, hobbies, their belief system, their opinions, their morals and their values, just as we all pretty much show those things in words, actions, what we wear, etc... .to others.  

It seems like in life, we tend to gravitate towards those people who share similar (don't have to be exact), beliefs, morals, likes and dislikes, etc... .We become friends with them, share times with them because it is pleasant to.  We don't cringe when they call because some sort of battle is probably impending, but because we like/love them and since we have so much in common, our experience is things will go well and we are happy to pick up that phone, and say hey my friend, how have you been? Catch up on what's been going on in each other's lives, etc... . So you get the picture.

When people reveal themselves to us and show us who they are in bits and pieces of our relationship, we end up with a picture of who they are, or at least a good sense of it.  

I know when I reveal myself to others, I of course, want acceptance and love from them.  So if I wish this for my own self, am I wrong by feeling unable to accept others who are very different from us?  If it is wrong to do that, how to force myself to be fake and act like you accept them and like them?  I'm not a good faker and I am at a loss as to where I am at this point.

If I can't do it, a very big loss comes to me and it will create the kind of hole in your heart that nothing can ever fill it.  I'm really scared of that happening.


Angie59

[Angie59]

Hi Panda!

The boundaries are this:

His uBPD was just offered a job much closer to our area than to where they live.  She has a really good ride from their house to this job, but it is closer to where we live than where they live.  Here is what would help my husband and I tremendously.

Since it is a long ride (with traffic) for her, I suggested we either meet her somewhere convenient along the way and pick GS2 up that way to come to our house.  Arrangements for him to return home haven't been worked out yet. 

One thing that is really big to this situation is the fact that my husband is a smoker and does smoke in the house and they said GS2 gets a runny nose and coughs a lot when he gets home from here.  We already knew this so the offer included:

Completely getting a scrub down/disinfectant of our car, buying the extra car seat needed for him ourselves, getting our carpets and furniture professionally cleaned, rearranging our bedroom in such a way that he will have ample space to sleep for his naptime (and if he needs to get used to, Grandma will be happy to lie on my bed which is in the same room and take a nap with him)!  LOL!  We will provide all diapers we need here for the 2 days we watch him as well as hiney wipes, changes of clothing, food, toys, etc... .we will provide all of this for him for those two days. We are also willing to get him a high chair and whatever else we need to do to equip our home to give him everything he needs and to also take down curtains and get new ones (we need anyway).  My husband never smokes in front of any children.  However, he is willing to stop smoking in the house and to even work on stopping smoking altogether.  Since we are both retired, we will work it out with transportation for whatever fits best for them since they are the ones working.

Angie

[Angie59]

I just re-read my last post and have to work on getting to the point and not being a rambler.

Panda, you asked what the boundaries were.  All of what I described was really just what we would do here to accommodate GS2 as well as them.  The boundary is that the set-up as it is right now is very hard on us both, in a physical way as well as mentally.  The environment I am describing at our home would help us greatly in that way.  Easier on us physically for sure, and keeping away from an environment that is toxic to us, which is their house.

Physically and mentally this would help us greatly.  If they say no, then we will have to either split days with someone else (for instance, don't get there until noon instead of 7:00 a.m. and have a morning babysitter), or decide that it is too much enough that we must stop the childcare. 

This is an extremely hard thing for us to do.  We know there will be repercussions, but my husband and I are no longer spring chickens and 2 year olds never stay still.  As I said, it is tough mentally and physically.

Anyone have any opinions or comments on this?

Angie59

[Learning2Thrive]

In general terms, in answer to the question in your subject line... .

I ask myself 3 questions:

1. Did I cause or contribute to causing the loss?
2. Can I control anything related to the loss?
3. Is there a cure for the loss that is within my power (note: any prospective cure must be within my physical and financial means and fit within my moral code and personal boundaries)?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, I own my responsibility and respond respectfully toward any prospective cure—see note above on prospective cures.

If the answer to all of the above questions is no, I acknowledge the loss and allow myself time to grieve it. I also allow room for hope, healing and change in the future should the other parties have a change of heart. Then I disengage fully, focusing on my own positive, personal growth and healing.

What I no longer do is spend time trying to understand the insane choices of another person. They are allowed to make their own choices and suffer the natural consequences accordingly.

[Lien]

Hi Angie,

What I don't know how to do is how to handle this feeling of loss inside.  The loss comes from making boundaries of our own, which we desparately need to do at this point and now having to handle the more distance it will create with seeing our son and grandson.

My DH and I have been dealing with loss since we shared with my uBPD SIL some ways that we have been hurt and clearly laid down some boundaries (this was back in January). Since that time she has, for all intents and purposes, stopped talking to us. Our story is on another thread, but I did want to share that bit of background with you so you know where I'm coming from. It has been incredibly painful. We've reached out several times in ways that didn't compromise our boundaries, but still showed that we wanted a relationship. Ultimately it is her choice whether she wants to be in relationship back with us.

I like the three points that Learning2Thrive stated. If we act with integrity and do everything in our power, then the rest is out of our control. Check your conscience and see if it is clean. If it is not, then you must make reparations, but if it is then you must let go. That's the hardest part, the letting go. We have to allow ourselves to grieve, just as with a death, the loss of our pwBPD (and even those that are caught up with them)... .the hopes and dreams for that relationship, who we once thought they were, what we once had and so forth. It isn't easy and there will be waves of anger, denial, guilt, depression etc. Allow yourself to feel those things, name those things and mourn. Remember it is a process and don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect.

[Angie59]

Thank you so much LearningtoThrive and Lien for your responses.  Here comes a big hug to both of you!   

I am printing out both of your replies to me.  I am finding them both so valuable and thought provoking; which is just what I need right now.

The other day when I made those posts I was having a hard time and things were not going well with son, with his uBPD fiancee, and me wondering not if, but when this was all going to come to a screeching halt.

I'm curious to know how you both felt regarding what we were will to do in order to have GS2 at our home those two days?  I have received several strong reactions from other family members and feel I need opinions from those that are not emotionally invested in us.

The feelings my husband, older son, and myself especially usually have is one of exclusion from activities, continual defense from our son for his uBPD fiancee and sometimes we have to point out how contradictory and how nonsensical they are.  At that point when he cannot come up with an other explanation, he just says, "yeah I know." 

We feel we have done a lot of catering to these two and they have an unbelievable sense of entitlement.  That is why I wrote this post.  I am literally so anxious about putting our boundaries out there that my anxiety medication has been increased - and that is not good for me.

These posts have helped me incredibly to look at the whole situation and really search myself.

Angie59

[Harri]

I think your son and his fiancee have already stated they do not want to drop your GS off at your house several times.  You stated that they first said distance was a factor and now the smoking issue, which is a big deal for a lot of people.  It sounds like a generous offer on your part.  Who knows how they will feel about it.  They may feel more comfortable having him in his own home and close to where her mother is as well (I believe you mentioned in another thread her mother is 10 minutes from their house?).  They may feel pressured by your offer. 

It is not really a boundary you are stating, it is an offer or a proposal.  Even if it were a boundary they have the right to refuse.  What then?  How is their house toxic to you?  The mess you mentioned?  What else?  What reason will you present them with regarding your offer?

If they end up saying no to your offer what will that mean to you?  I ask because I am trying to tie your first two posts in this thread to your other about boundaries.  I assume your question about how to deal with loss is tied to the offer you want to make?

[Angie59]

Hello Harri!

I can certainly understand your confusion - it is because my thoughts to race around in my head (a lot of it is due to my anxiety), so things are probably not coming out as fluid and clearly as they should.  My apologies for that to everyone who may be wondering what in the world is this lady talking about!  LOL!

I promise to do better in the future to make things clearer.

When I expressed what my husband and I were going to do with the house, it was really more a kind of "here is what we will do for GS2 to make things more possible acceptable to both of you to have him here to take care of instead of your home."  A boundary?  Maybe not so well put, but their house is not such a great house for myself or my husband to be.  This is why we thought of doing all of this.  A compromise in the sense that if we can make things here more acceptable to you, then it will in turn help us.  If you chose this won't work, then it may not work for us to keep coming to your house.

I hope that did not come off as a threat on our part, and we nixed the whole idea before we even offered it to them anyway, so it really is a mute point, but that is what I was trying to get across.

I feel like we need to clearly state what we will do for them regarding not only babysitting our GS2 but in all areas as well.  The reason boundaries has become such a big issue right now is because my T talked a lot about it last session, so I am trying to work on that.

My son and his uBPD seem to have a sense of entitlement and they do not like being told no.  In fact, they will even get angry about it if you do not do things the way they want (events, babysitting and such), and that is why I am also talking about "loss."  If you do not do things my son's uBPD's way, then it's hit the highway, and we have experienced this before.  Many periods of being angry (the uBPD), NC or very little, some short periods, some long periods.  Always a price to pay.

... .and I think I'm rambling again.  I sure hope this is more clarifying. 

Oh yes, I do not feel it is good for me and for my anxiety to be at their home because not only is it a complete disaster area, but I would not have to encounter many of the things I do now if we were not there to see and hear it.

Does this make more sense now?  Sorry, I feel like I'm all over the place!

Angie59

[Turkish]

I think doing the clean up regarding the smoking is a reasonable and responsible thing to do,  and any medical professional would agree.  I'm not an anti-smoking zealot either. 

[Angie59]

Totally agree Turkish.  The only thing I will say about it is that we are talking about third-hand smoke (which I do not know if it is dangerous or not, as the professionals I have talked with have said there has not been enough research done on it yet). 

I am not a smoker.  My husband goes outside to smoke, so we are never inhaling second hand smoke. 

I feel very angry right now because the only thing I can say about my son and his uBPD finance is so inconsistent it is getting "laughable" for lack of a better word.  First, they claim he is coughing at night and they have to use his inhaler, saying it was because he was over at our house the night before. 

Then, my other son and I cook out for my husband's b-day, no one else was here, just the 3 of us, so no big deal and my other son gets mad because he isn't included.  But - thought you just blamed us for his coughing? 

Then we got a text about an hour ago from my son's uBPD fiancee to ask if we could watch GS2 while she takes her mom to lunch and to the mall!

One could say they are just trying to drive us nuts, but I believe this is really what is going on.  Whenever it is convenient for them, they come over - no smoke talk at all.  When we ask them to come over, then it becomes an issue about the smoke. 

I feel like saying one way or another - pick one and stick to it! 

Sorry, just needed to vent!

[Turkish]

I'd your son an asthmatic? The drama would piss me off. Even so,  smoke free is good for your grandchildren.

[Angie59]

Well, he will be turning 2 next month, so to officially say if he is asthmatic right now isn't possible.  He was born with a cleft lip and has had surgery for this, so since his little nose was also affected, whenever he seems to get sick, it seems to center around respiratory issues.  This is what the pediatrician told my son's uBPD fiancee.  I only say this because she has been caught in many, many lies. 

However, the fact still remains that he has respiratory issues and should not be exposed to many things (even things such as camp fire smoke) and such, so I am totally on board with you on that.  I would never jeopardize my GS2's health for anything or anyone.

I am just tired of the back and forth and back and forth.  It seems like no matter what my son's uBPD does - it is something that she wants to do for herself and she benefits from it. 

This whole thing just makes me so angry.  Just like losing my dog - it broke my heart and I still can't talk about it without tearing up and crying about it.  A few days after it happened I was quiet when I got to their house (babysitting day) and my husband just said, yeah, Angie is still pretty broke up about losing K., I guess explaining why I was so quiet.  She just looked up at me and said, "Oh." 

Sometimes it is hard to have empathy and sympathy for those that have none for us at some of our most painful moments.

Thanks for letting me get off subject there!

[Learning2Thrive]

I'm curious to know how you both felt regarding what we were will to do in order to have GS2 at our home those two days?  I have received several strong reactions from other family members and feel I need opinions from those that are not emotionally invested in us.

Angie, big hugs back to you. Take a breath.

Truthfully, you don’t need my opinion. Your feelings are valid all on their own. If you need to make changes because they are right for you and for your husband, then you absolutely should make them no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Of course, I also understand that your decision to make changes may not go over well with your son and his fiancé. I’ve been in similar situations. It feels like you will lose no matter what you do... .so you keep doing more and more and it seems to mean less and less to those you’re doing it for until you feel like you’ve completely lost your grip on the situation. It’s not a fun place to be.

So, give yourself a break. Breathe and consider all your options.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into what you are able to offer in terms of childcare. It sounds like keeping yourself out of their home will be much less triggering for you. Those seem like reasonable and healthy decisions to me.

That said, pwBPD are rarely reasonable.  So, it’s very possible your son and his fiancé will react poorly or in a seemingly punishing manner which may trigger FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Your son is likely living in his own FOG and no amount of discussion or information from you will make him “see” it.  It seems to me you have a few choices (many variations to these are possible):

1. Continue doing what you’ve been doing and you’re likely to continue receiving what you’ve been receiving.

2. Try to neutralize emotional reactions on both sides. Create some space (at least temporarily) so you can ease your anxiety, begin to step out of the FOG and continue working with your therapist to navigate this murky situation.

3. Throw down immediate, very defined boundaries and limitations which may be immediately rejected and result in loss (in the short term, but not necessarily forever).

Only you can decide what the best path is for you.

We feel we have done a lot of catering to these two and they have an unbelievable sense of entitlement.  That is why I wrote this post. 

I completely understand this sentiment. It took me a long time to learn that I should not be giving anything that sacrfices my health and well-being. If I feel I’m catering to someone, I’m no longer in “give” mode because it feels like I’m being taken... .and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Learning  that I am worthy of choosing what’s best for me and to say no and mean no, and not get into explaining or rationalizing. Just no. Just because I said so. Then standing firm in my conviction that it was the right choice for me. This has been so difficult for me to learn, but it has been life changing.

It’s hard when our adult child (or anyone we love) doesn’t see the truth of their own situation. It hurts so much when their choices destroy our dreams and hopes. But, they have the right to make their own mistakes. Just like we did... .and still do. I certainly know I am far from perfect.

All we can do is be responsible for our own choices and our own integrity.

Take good care Angie. 

[Angie59]

Dear Turkish and Learning to Thrive,

Thanks for keeping me company this evening!  LOL!

Seriously, you have both brought out some very good points and certainly a lot of ponder.

I think I will take that much needed breath now!   

[Learning2Thrive]

Good morning, Angie. I hope you got some good rest last night.

I had a thought this morning. What would happen if you changed your perspective?

What if you took your focus off your son and his fiancé and placed it directly on yourself and what you need to do for yourself and your husband to improve your own health and well-being?

So instead of focusing on your son and his fiancé’s hurtful behaviors and choices, what choice can you make for yourself to improve your own well-being today?

For example (this is only an example not a suggestion), instead of throwing out detailed limitations on childcare, what if you simply told your son that you and your husband love him and his children so very much and want to help him the best you are able; but at the moment you are experiencing some health concerns and need to take a short break from child care (so you can get your anxiety under control)?

 Or, instead of mentioning health concerns, it could be that your husband has surprised you with a vacation getaway so you won’t be able to provide childcare for x number of weeks. Or any number of other ideas that are about healthy choices FOR YOU. You get the idea? Create some positive space for yourself and your son and his family?

 What would that look like for you?

[Harri]

Hi Angie.  No worries about clarity.  I appreciate that it is hard to write stuff down in an orderly and clear fashion when thoughts are racing.

So this generous offer that I quoted below was never presented?
Angie wrote:

One thing that is really big to this situation is the fact that my husband is a smoker and does smoke in the house and they said GS2 gets a runny nose and coughs a lot when he gets home from here.  We already knew this so the offer included:

Completely getting a scrub down/disinfectant of our car, buying the extra car seat needed for him ourselves, getting our carpets and furniture professionally cleaned, rearranging our bedroom in such a way that he will have ample space to sleep for his naptime (and if he needs to get used to, Grandma will be happy to lie on my bed which is in the same room and take a nap with him)!  LOL!  We will provide all diapers we need here for the 2 days we watch him as well as hiney wipes, changes of clothing, food, toys, etc... .we will provide all of this for him for those two days. We are also willing to get him a high chair and whatever else we need to do to equip our home to give him everything he needs and to also take down curtains and get new ones (we need anyway).  My husband never smokes in front of any children.  However, he is willing to stop smoking in the house and to even work on stopping smoking altogether.

What caused you to nix the offer?

Angie wrote:  we nixed the whole idea before we even offered it to them anyway, so it really is a mute point

Has any offer been made at this point?  I like what Learning2thrive said about changing the perspective.  Perhaps present the issue as "this arrangement is not good for us any longer.  We are having difficulty with the travel, health issues, etc.  We would like to watch GS2 in our house and here is what we are willing to do... ." and then offer everything you came up with that I bolded and highlighted above.

When you discussed boundaries with your therapist did she help you find ways to handle your own anxieties and how not doing so tends to get you into trouble (looking at things you should not, worrying about the future... .) 

Where do things stand now with you, your son and stb dil?

[Angie59]

Hello everyone!

Especially to you, LearningtoThrive, I really do appreciate your support and thoughts you have shared with me.  I not only find them helpful, give me a lot to think about, but are heartwarming just because it feels good to know others think of you and care. 

Also to Harri, I also appreciate the interest you have been taking as well in trying to muddle through these situations.  I am getting a sense of "family" here and that in and of itself is helpful to me more than I can express.

Regarding creating some healthy space between my son and his uBPD fiancee, and not concentrating so much on them, but more on ourselves I think is a wonderful idea.  It is in fact part of what was mentioned to me in therapy to do.  This is good to do for all of us, I believe, at any age, and I don't mean to sound morbid here at all, but I am 59 years old and my husband is 64.  My son and his uBPD fiancee are 28 and 24 respectively.  We don't exactly have another 50 years on this earth as they probably have!  So while we have our issues, aches and pains, me with the anxiety and depression, etc., we are still getting around and trying to enjoy life the best we can.  Focusing on ourselves does sound like a great idea to me - seems almost necessary really.

Harri, as far as why the idea of watching our GS2 was nixed was my decision.  I was so worn down mentally at that point in time, I just didn't want to get into it with them.  I know a lot of people may say, why would it necessarily mean "getting into it" with them; maybe it all would have been okay. 

The most honest reason I can give as to why I am operating on a "catering system" with them for both LearningtoThrive and Harri is fear.  Most all of the conversations that I have tried to have with my son's uBPD and my son have been unsuccessful and I have some terrible memories where she cut us out of her life - NC totally - before our GS2 was born, and another time she did the same thing because our conversation went south.  To put it in a nutshell, it's kind of like Forrest Gump's saying, "You never know what you're going to get."  That's what it is like trying to communicate with her.  The best was to describe it is she seems to be looking through a telescope where she only sees what she wants ahead of her and all of the rest of us (including her own parents, my son, her children) are all on the periphery.  She knows we are there, but the focus is on what she wants - period.

I know this is really going to sound stupid - it sounds that way in my head right now - but I am being as honest with myself right now as I possibly can and relating it to you.  I am afraid.  Afraid of her reactions.  Afraid of what the repercussions may be.  Afraid she won't let me see my GS2 or GS4 anymore.  Afraid, afraid, afraid of her. 

There, I said it!  I am a big chicken!  LOL!  Seriously though this is why I do the things I do regarding this relationship.  She is very unpredictable, life is chaotic all the time, she seems to misconstrue things more times than not and I just plain don't know what result will come out of any situation I find myself in with her and my son.  Whatever she choose to do at any particular time, my son will back her.

I am afraid I will lose my relationship with my son as well as my grand kids.  It's really that simple.  Pretty sad, huh? 

Thanks guys for hearing me out!

[Learning2Thrive]

The most honest reason I can give as to why I am operating on a "catering system" with them for both LearningtoThrive and Harri is fear.  

<snip>

I am afraid I will lose my relationship with my son as well as my grand kids.

Please read this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I urge you to read the entire article. Read it several times. But for right now, let’s focus on this section:

Are You Rewarding Bad Behavior?
It’s easy to focus on other people’s behavior and to think that if they change, things will be fine. But does that make practical sense in matters such as these?  In many ways, this problem is more disturbing and costly for us as we are the ones on the short end of the transaction. As adults, there is something we can do about it.

With knowledge can come change.  

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

Change has to begin with us.  We are not helpless. We need to act.

Angie, if you want change it has to begin with you. Until then, the cycle will continue and you never know what you’re gonna get.

Sending you love and understanding, gentle hugs.

[Panda39]

I also want to point out that your son is likely experiencing the FOG too. 

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

I agree with Panda.

The difference is that your son is most likely deeply entrenched in denial and clinging to hope that his allegiance to her (ummm... .choosing her over you even when he knows she is wrong, out of control, outrageous and unreasonable) is proving his pure and undying unconditional love for her.  Sadly, your decision to “cater” to her helps enable him to continue his choice to be in denial. And so the cycle goes.

It is not easy to untangle this stuff but it is necessary if you seek genuine change and long term healing.

I’m going away for a while and won’t have internet access. Best wishes to you, Angie.

[Angie59]

Thank you so much LearningtoThrive and Harri for your replies. 

I do realize that my son is in the FOG.  My heart bleeds for him and my mama claws come out and until today I have been able to control that.  Today, I reached a limit in staying quiet and listening to my son's uBPD fiancee ridiculous ranting, and unbelievable expectations she places on my son that she herself would never be able to stand up to. 

We have out-of-town company coming the weekend of May 19th.  They all decided (and my son with the uBPD financee was included) to go to a baseball game.  Tonight she asked about when they could get together with the company coming in and I was just thinking out loud saying, well Saturday night they are seeing so-and-so, Sunday (then named all the people going) is the baseball game, and her face changed into a how-dare-him look and she said, he never told me he was going to a baseball game!

I didn't even think before I said it - I just looked at her and said, "Really? Are you kidding me?  You just got back from a 6-day vacation in the Caribbeans with whatever his name is and you're going to bitch about a baseball game N (my son) is going to? 

She then laughed and acted and like she was just kidding. 

Then she became so serious again and had this look on her face like, oh no he isn't getting by with this look.  She said, "Well, I have to work on Sunday.  What time is the game?  I said early afternoon, but didn't know when they would be back.  I also just shrugged my shoulder like she did to me when she told us about the trip she was taking a few weeks back with this other guy. 

I know this all sounds immature, but I am so, so sick of this behavior.  All about me - I can go wherever I want, with whoever I want, when I want and don't try to hold me down doing it either, and by the way, watch the kids, clean up the kitchen, make sure you get the laundry done, etc... .

Yes, I do know that my son is in the FOG and I know that he may pay dearly for this communication between myself and her today.  At the time my only thought was to say what I was thinking.  It felt like a switch went on and my mouth starting going. 

Repercussions of all this?  Who knows!  I know this has my anxiety level at an all time high and I need to calm down about it all.  She usually acts like everything is okay with us and then immediately calls our son and makes a huge thing out of it.  She will even start crying to him about how bad we made her feel and we are left scratching our heads and thinking, didn't we just leave there saying pleasantly, okay see you tomorrow, have a good evening!"  She would be just as pleasant and then make it a huge deal to our son.

Anything anybody?  I actually feel like a little kid who is worrying about getting caught and the outcome will be awful.  Yes, I'm also in the FOG!

Please help!