Estranged uBPD mother and uNPD father talking trash behind our backs

[cedarview]

My wife and I have been NC with my uBPD mother and uNPD father for a few months. It was their choice to abuse us with the silent treatment and so, even though they are elderly and have health problems we get no regular updates on what they are doing. Apparently my father was at a birthday party for a mutual acquaintance and he took this guy's wife aside (she is a friend of ours) and let loose a torrent of criticisms aimed at my wife. My wife's friend was shocked at the level of anger and resentment he was verbalizing. He called my wife "crazy" over and over again and said that she was keeping my mother and father from seeing the grandchildren.

Of course my wife was upset. Her friend hesitated to even tell my wife about it at all but since we have no contact with my parents at all we do wonder what is going on with them and their thought processes about cutting out the only family they have left. My wife requested no more updates from her friend until one of my parents are in the hospital or dead.

I am angry with my parents for smearing my wonderful life partner and the first thing I wanted to do was drive over and scream at them. On further review we decided that would be playing into their hands because they want a reaction from us. They continue to see me as a helpless chump being manipulated by my crazy wife into estranging us from them. They think I can't make my own decisions because they see me as useless without their support and input, and so it appears they have decided to split my wife and I and blame her for everything. I want to tell them to their face that all decisions are made by my wife and me together as a team and that I have been fully on board with everything we are doing.

I just really wanted to get all of this off my chest. I remain amazed and disturbed at the depths to which my parents are sinking. My father's sense of self and ability to see this all with any objectivity seems to have flown out the window as he is probably subjected to non-stop vitriol from my mother concerning my wife and I. We live in a small town. We are trying to tell ourselves that it doesn't matter what they say and that anyone who believes them must have problems of their own, but they are saying these things in some cases to people I have known for most of my life. It bothers me that people who should know better are giving them encouragement with this garbage.

We should ignore and continue on with our lives right? Right now we are planning on still sending a card for Mother's Day that says we are still open to family therapy but if this trash talk continues I am afraid my wife is going to close that door. If they knew what consternation they were causing to us I think they would be pleased.

[Panda39]

They continue to see me as a helpless chump being manipulated by my crazy wife into estranging us from them.

Hmmmm who does this really sound like?

Right now we are planning on still sending a card for Mother's Day that says we are still open to family therapy

Have you already told them that you are willing to see them for therapy?  If so I would skip the card with that message in it... .it is sending a mixed message and comes across as Passive/Aggressive.  Either send you mom a Mother's Day card because you want to wish her a Happy Mother's Day or don't.

The badmouthing sucks and unfortunately is a common thing... .your wife has been painted black.  As much as you'd like to jump on the triangle and defend your wife don't.

Don't get on the dysfunctional Karpman Triangle it just goes nowhere good and don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) why?  Because JADING just leads to more engagement, more drama and circular arguments

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

It sounds like you’ve set your boundary…therapy = contact.  The ball is in their court leave it there.

As hard as it is let this stuff go, you can’t control what they are doing and saying you can only control what you do.  People will come to their own conclusions about believing what your parents say or not.

Panda39

[sklamath]

cedarview, I am sorry to hear that your parents are roping your friends into the drama. It sounds like your wife's friend told her what had transpired not because s/he believed the trash talk, but because s/he recognized it was out of line and cares about your wife. As much as the trash talk hurts, there's some relief in knowing that people who really do care about us, and who have the benefit of an outside perspective on the situation, can usually recognize the real "crazy" when they see it. 

If they knew what consternation they were causing to us I think they would be pleased.

Seeking validation from my friends may be the behavior from uBPD mom that bothers me most. I've lived with it this long and the damage is done, but no one else should have to deal with it!   But what you said about them being pleased is at the core of why I have never confronted it--mom would love to know that she'd hit her target. My friends are good friends who care about me. When they have brought up these conversations with my mom, I believe it is their way of showing that they recognize mom's behavior isn't right, and want to make sure that I am OK.

That said, a good friend will respect what your wife asked about no more unsolicited updates. Because even though their intentions may be good, you're NC for a reason, and it doesn't help to hear that your parents are up to the same old shenanigans.

[zachira]

It is so infuriating to have parents who talk badly about their children and make up lies about their children to cover up the parents' bad behavior. I personally have been dealing with this for years with my mother and siblings, and I admire how you and your wife are working together as team to do what you have to do when it comes to your parents. Doing the right things for both you and your wife, does not in the short term take  away the pain and anger of having your wife trashed by your parents. I admire you because you have married a wonderful woman, made a good life for yourself, and are nothing like your parents. For the time being, it is so hard not to let what your parents are doing upset you, as these are the people who are supposed to love you and support you no matter what. You can take comfort in that you have made a good life for yourself, have a wonderful supportive wife, and with time you will come out smelling like a rose. For many years, I met people for the first time who knew my mother who obviously disapproved of me for no apparent reason except mom had been trash talking about her children as usual. As I have become less affected by mom's behaviors and more able to show my best self, most people these days are just shocked by the contrast between what mom says and what I am actually like in person. I am constantly on guard to not take any of mom's behaviors personally, because she has a need to put down others to feel better about herself. Many people avoid mom, and  are smart enough to know that those who talk badly about others are usually the ones with the dirty laundry. Time is on your side, and you are expressing your feelings so they get processed and don't contaminate your life unnecessarily. Keep us posted about your courageous journey and let us know how we can help.