Divorce advice

[Exbpdhusband]

Hello, this is my first post. Before I start, I want to express my highest respect and admiration to those people, especially the women, who understand they have BPD. From having lived with one, and from the research I've done,
I know how incredibly difficult this must be.  I'm sure many people would attest that if their partners understood they had it, then a relationship could certainly be possible.  And of course, when a Borderline is good, she is off-the-charts good. And it's from the heart. She's not phony about it. That's unfortunate, because it's easy to eventually spot a phony.  That's why I took the abuse for so long.  Oh, and I did all this endless research on the subject because she was able to convince me that  I WAS THE BORDERLINE until two women psychologists who saw us both over the years
diagnosed HER as the Borderline.

Now to the subject... .PLEASE at least consider what I'm about to write.  It could save you tons of money and lots of
BPD inflicted torture. When you are divorcing a Borderline, you and your lawyers should negotiate for one month. THEN go right to trial.  This seems exactly the opposite of what one would do in a normal divorce, and it is. But this is NOT a normal divorce.  Borderlines cannot go under oath.  The absolutely cannot do it. It might "expose" them. This means either in court or a deposition in someone's office. That is why this strategy is imperative.

My 2nd marriage lasted 9 years before I couldn't take it anymore. It was a simple three week divorce, with no young children, and with me agreeing to all state mandated requirements.  She stretched it out to three YEARS. Oh, and she went through five lawyers.  Every time one of them wanted to end it, she fired them.  Three of them later told my attorneys "She is the sickest client I've ever dealt with." That is a direct quote.  Two of them are going to sue her for back payments.  Of course Borderlines (who won't ever acknowledge that they are borderlines) have no consequences, so they don't have to pay them.

Again, going right to court goes against every normal idea in a divorce.  But going up against a Borderline makes this anything but a normal divorce.  It will save a ton of money to do this. 

My lawyers hit them with everything in the book. It would have obliterated a normal opponent in a normal divorce situation.  A borderline divorce is NOT a normal situation.  It was equivalent to a doctor prescribing a huge amount of antibiotics thinking it was a bacterial infection, when in reality, it was a virus, and antibiotics are useless against a virus.

In California there are only three attorneys who specialize in divorcing a borderline woman. Two of them are in the
Bay Area.  The other is in Los Angeles where I live.  He has a waiting list of men longer than people wanting to buy
season tickets to Green Bay Packers home games.

So take heed when divorcing a borderline wife. I am speaking from experience.

[pearlsw]

Hi ExBPDhusband,



It sounds like you've experienced some difficulties in a previous relationship. My heart goes out to you that you had such a hard time with your wife!  What's going on for you now relationship wise?

As I was reading your post one thing that popped right to mind for me is how the spirit of the community here is take a nuanced approach towards folks who have BPD or BPD traits. While there is a lot of similarity in our experiences, there are certainly significant differences as well so I find it really, really important not to label "all" people with BPD in a certain way. There are more extreme cases, some people may have multiple mental health issues, and it can look very different by gender it seems, etc.

In my case my partner is male and I can safely say none of this "advice" would really fit my situation, though I respect and agree that it may fit for others.

Can I ask where you are with your healing and recovery from what experienced in this relationship?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[ArleighBurke]

I separated from my BPD-wife 13 months ago.

In the first month after we separated, she told me she wanted to separate finances quickly. We agreed on a split (55% her way) and she told me to get it drafted by my lawyer and we'd be good to go.

She then questioned the value of my super.
She then questioned the value of our home.
She then questioned the value of our cars.
She then accused me of having secret bank accounts.

In the past 13 months, she has proposed 4 agreements, and I have agreed to 3 of them. But each time I agreed, she'd find something else to question, and we'd go through another month delay while we had something valued, or until I could "prove" i did or didn't have what she accused me of. Always, the values come back as what we already knew they were. Her last offer (that I accepted) was 58%, but then she renegs.

I don't believe she actually wants to settle.

She loves the drama, the process, the manipulation of me and my lawyer. She loves that she can claim I have secrets, or that I'm lying to her, that she is the victim, and her lawyer will listen and go on the offensive for her. Of course nothing ever comes of any of her claims. And some of her claims are just completely inconceivable.

I've allowed it because I still believe that I am financially better off by NOT going to court. But I am fast approaching the point when I've had enough, and will have no alternative but to go to court. Perhaps this will back her into a corner and she'll settle outside of court, but I doubt it.

BPD = crazy.

[gotbushels]

Hi    ExBPDhusband

I join the others in welcoming you here. 

You shared an interesting perspective on divorce and thank you for sharing the practical advice about time frame for the divorce.

And of course, when a Borderline is good, she is off-the-charts good. And it's from the heart.

Yes, this strange happening isn't what people expect from "normal" people. It's interesting that you mention "from the heart", because that's one way people figure out honesty--and a BP may seem to communicate from the heart even though we later see it as dishonest.

That's why I took the abuse for so long.

As you've read, many partners often do take forms of abuse--and tolerate it over a long time. It's hard.

... .she was able to convince me that  I WAS THE BORDERLINE until two women psychologists who saw us both over the years diagnosed HER as the Borderline.

Yes, to have things projected onto you is very difficult to deal with. It often takes practitioners many sessions of training to learn how to handle these things effectively. So many of us have been projected upon--and I know a bit of what this feels like.

I hope you'll continue to share more of your story. It seems that the arrangement worked somewhat well for you, and 1 month is so quick.