How can I have my needs met without putting a 'burden' on my boyfriend?

[SpaghettiSandwich]

Hello to everyone. I'm new to the site and have so many questions.  Just recently I came to the conclusion that my boyfriend may be suffering from BPD.  He too, agrees and so now the sigh of relief has passed and the hard work begins.  I am reading books and trying to figure out how to move forward in the most supportive way possible but so far I cannot seem to find any reference to bridging the gap of his wants and needs with my needs (emotional connection, need to feel heard, need to feel supported when I may be feeling less than my best, etc.)

When things are 'good' between us I can sometimes talk about my emotions without setting him off... .I would like those times to be best spent by expressing myself in a way that makes sense as is more easily understood than what is currently taking place.  He tells me that 'dealing' with my emotions is too much for him. I'm left feeling alone and uncared for no matter how much I give.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Hi ReachHigh,
I'm fairly new to all this as well. Kudos to you for doing the research it takes, because a BPD relationship is no easy thing. Currently I'm in a similar place as you with my BPDbf, who is actually not able to interact with me at all as he's in some state of depressive emotional shutdown. He hasn't broken up with me (he's 41 and has at least learned not to take permanent action on temporary emotional state) but he is literally inaccessible to me right now. It's like I'm single, except off the market, and has been like this for a month now. :/

The thing you have to decide is whether you can live with this permanently. There will be ups and downs, and sometimes he will simply not be there for you. But if you decide that sometimes he will, and if you decide that is enough, then you've got to work on being the most supportive girlfriend you can be, giving him acres of space and trusting him to give back when and only when he can. If he is willing to seek therapy and make strides to overcome this you all have a great chance. Stay active here, keep studying, learn validation and other communication strategies, and be ready for some alone time.

I wish you all the best. Sometimes he won't be able to meet your needs, and patience becomes vital.

[SpaghettiSandwich]

Thanks ShrimpandGrits, for taking the time to respond.  I'm sorry to hear that you are so cut off right now from your boyfriend.  That's got to be really tough for you and I imagine you're probably not getting all of your emotional needs met either.  How do you cope with that? 

[once removed]

hi SpaghettiSandwich and

what a relief it must be to finally identify what youre experiencing, and to learn there are strategies to deal with it and to cope. things really can get better, and im glad you found us; youre among folks who get it, and have walked, or are walking in similar shoes.

additionally, we have lessons and tools to the right of the board that can make a huge difference, and give you a lot more breathing room. some of them can be awkward at first; my advice would be to practice them with everyone in your life. they work with everyone, people with BPD just tend to need a higher dose of them.

He tells me that 'dealing' with my emotions is too much for him. I'm left feeling alone and uncared for no matter how much I give.  

i really hear you on this. it can be a very isolating feeling.

for starters, its good that there are times where you can speak your mind and your heart, and it helps that he is honest with you about his limitations.

this is going to seem very trite in comparison, but i want to share a brief story about the limitations of one of my friends, that frustrated and hurt me. im very close with most of my friends. we can speak our hearts and minds pretty openly, and we tend to be pretty supportive of each other. i had one friend, though, who could make you just feel awful if you tried to cry on his shoulder, so to speak. he would always say the wrong thing. id get frustrated and resentful. id try to explain to him what was wrong with his approach.

eventually, something clicked. there was a lot i enjoyed about our friendship. he was hilarious, fun, and the two of us could laugh about anything. so long story short, i accepted his limitation, that he simply was not an ideal shoulder to cry on, and focused more on the things about our friendship that i enjoyed. if i needed a shoulder to cry on, i went to someone that was good at that. if i needed a laugh, i went to him.

obviously, he wasnt my girlfriend, and friendships can be very different, but it still illustrated to me that basically, some people are better or worse at some things than others. it pains me to say it, but i know there are times when people could have used support from me that i couldnt give. it is common for people with BPD to struggle with this. often times, for example, they may take any dissatisfaction in your life as a reflection of them, or a complaint against them, or feel inferior for not being better able to help.

now im not telling you to simply accept that you cant share your emotions with him, i dont think that need be the case; just that there are times he will be better at it, and times that he wont. having a strong support system in place is crucial for these challenging relationships, so it will help to have a diverse group (us included!) who you can open to.

can you tell us more about your needs, and how he responds when youre trying to open up?

how long have the two of you been together, and is he considering therapy since hes open to the idea that he has BPD?

[BasementDweller]

Hi all, 

Welcome, SpaghettiSandwich! My deepest sympathies to you, ShrimpAndGrits, and once removed - I'm also in the same boat. My dBPDbf has been dysregulated for about a month now, and is currently deep in the rabbit hole as they say. I too have had to accept that there are times when he can be supportive but quite often managing his own needs and emotions is very challenging for him, and he hasn't got much room left for me in the mix. As odd as this is going to sound, my go-to person when I am at my absolute worst is my ex. He's the polar opposite of my pwBPD - calm, rational, and extremely understanding and selfless. I usually have a sit down with him about twice a month where we really just talk to and support each other. We broke up five years ago, but have stayed really close friends. It's a bit of an odd arrangement, but it works when either of us really needs to be heard or get some genuine support.

Sometimes we have to lean on a close friend or trusted relative when the going gets tough, because our partners really can't handle being the voice of strength and reason quite often.

These boards are a godsend when you really feel low. One of the problems us "nons" who are in relationships with BPD's encounter is that it often seems there is nobody to talk to in the worst of times. People will often not believe you because the truth is uncomfortable for them. Or they don't see what we see behind closed doors. It gets very lonely and isolating and sometimes you even lose friends because of the BPD drama. But everyone here "gets it". And there's so many of us. New people join the board every day. Then you start to realize that you aren't suffering alone. 

How does your partner react when you need support, and he IS feeling good? Does he offer verbal/physical comfort? Mine typically tries to "problem solve" for me, which isn't always what I need, but I realize that IS his way of trying to help, so I've learned to accept that as a gesture of kindness.

[pearlsw]

Hi SS,

First I have to say that this name really cracks me up! Thanks!

Secondly, I think there are lot of good ideas in the replies here! I know it helped me just reading them.

My SO has not typically been so great at providing emotional support. One thing I did to help with him this, because he can't think so quickly or clearly, is to write out some things for him to say when I am speaking to him and he can't think of a reply. So, he's learned to say he cares about my feelings, etc. It's something we can actually laugh about now. Even though I handed him the words, getting to hear him say them back to me does help. I might be a little crabby at times, but I really do appreciate that he is doing his best with this particular effort. I am lucky though in that he was willing to take my collaborative assistance. One other strategy I have is to make things a team effort so he does not feel lacking. I think it has given him some confidence and he ultimately appreciated better understanding what the "right thing to do" is.

Can you think through and imagine how your partner might be able to better provide some support, perhaps with your assistance?

with compassion, pearl.