Engaged BPD contacted me...

[Struggler123]

I thought that since it had been a month of no contact, it was done with. My ex contacted me saying hey how are you and I just had no feeling to it, I could reply to it with one word answers but what good would that do. She called as well, but I just don’t know if this is the right or wrong thing, but I can’t be someones doormat or puppet, I know what its like to stuck in the mud and I think its time for me to just act like I never recieved the call or text, because my feelings are slowly fading and I dont ever want her to know that there could be something there. I don’t know what type of game this is but im folding.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Struggler,  I'm a little confused.  Your BPDex is engaged to someone else?  Your engaged Ex contacted you?  Then someone else contacted you, "She," called as well?  Fill us in when you get a chance.  I'm uncertain how to respond without understanding what's happening. 

LJ

[Struggler123]

Hey Struggler,  I'm a little confused.  Your BPDex is engaged to someone else?  Your engaged Ex contacted you?  Then someone else contacted you, "She," called as well?  Fill us in when you get a chance.  I'm uncertain how to respond without understanding what's happening. 

LJ

My BPD ex who got engaged to someone else, (we broke up because she wanted a commitment and I couldn’t give it to her), we had our closures. But, after a month of no contact; she contacted me today, first tried calling and then texting but she called once, so i think it was just a impulse.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Struggler123, I'm still a little confused.  You broke up a month ago and now she's engaged to someone else, but nevertheless she recently tried to contact you?  It sounds like a recipe for drama and I think you're wise to avoid jumping back into the BPD swamp, unless you are still hoping for a recycle?  It sounds like the answer is No to any recycle?

LJ

[Struggler123]

Hello again, Struggler123, I'm still a little confused.  You broke up a month ago and now she's engaged to someone else, but nevertheless she recently tried to contact you?  It sounds like a recipe for drama and I think you're wise to avoid jumping back into the BPD swamp, unless you are still hoping for a recycle?  It sounds like the answer is No to any recycle?

LJ

Yes we broke up a month ago and shes getting engaged to someone else. She tried contacting me but I didnt return her call or her text. She asked me how i was doing and whats going on. Honestly, its not about hoping its just about thinking realistically, if I do go through with this recycle, is it going to change anything? Is she still going to go through with the engagement to the other guy. Its a temporary thing, and we’re in different places, I just feel like theres nothing to gain but so much to lose. I don’t want to get caught in the webs, just to have her blame me at the end. Considering she already does for not fighting for her. Thoughts?

[Lucky Jim]

I think you're wise to avoid getting into an emotional triangle.  Maybe take some time to let the water clear and just sit with your feelings, without the need to do anything?

LJ

[Struggler123]

I think you're wise to avoid getting into an emotional triangle.  Maybe take some time to let the water clear and just sit with your feelings, without the need to do anything?

LJ

I think thats the best advice, I think that I’ll just let her figure out her life while I work on making myself better. Her trying to form a friendship/emotional triangle isnt going to work well for me. Cause ultimately I feel like I will be the one thats discarded, I keep playing her saying, “shes happy in my head.” to keep myself away.

[Shawnlam]

Anyone who gets engaged so quickly tells a sure tale story of instability for anyone involved with her ,weither that’s you or this new guy.I say ignore and continue walking down the path of sanity you’ve chosen for yourself.Yes I’m sure you still love her any sane normal person would continue to love her it’s only been a few months, but love doesn’t always equal sacrifice.

[Struggler123]

Anyone who gets engaged so quickly tells a sure tale story of instability for anyone involved with her ,weither that’s you or this new guy.I say ignore and continue walking down the path of sanity you’ve chosen for yourself.Yes I’m sure you still love her any sane normal person would continue to love her it’s only been a few months, but love doesn’t always equal sacrifice.

Hello Shawn,

Glad to see you man. I hope your doing good. Thats actually very accurate. No one just jumps into an engagement that quickly, it takes a minimum of 4-5 months to know the person and even then you cant fully know the person. I completely agree she called 5x today, but I just don’t see any good coming out of it. And I’d hate to hear her call me just to tell me like oh this is my wedding date and im just worried like what im gonna do etc. Everytime I feel like I’m doing something wrong; I just listen to the voice in my head that says “she told you shes happy with this guy.” I wish her the best, but i’ve come a long way forward and I don’t want to look back. Thanks LJ, for the advice as well.

[Cromwell]

Maybe theyve already had their first little argument and shes looking for a shoulder to cry on, or use you as emotional leverage.

She might also not like to have been so easily "discarded" by you and that you have wriggled off the hook, perhaps you were supposed to bolster her low self esteem by being a spectator of how happy she supposedly is.

By contacting her she gets this buzz of being "wanted" by so many guys, it gives her also the option of showing these texts to the guy she is with as a way of making him work harder for her, lavish her with gifts and attention. If she is anything like my ex, he will have had quite a story told about her previous r/s and you will have been painted black in some way or another, so that he becomes the saviour who will do all he can do be the better man. It is a game that women like her play to appeal to mens egos of competitiveness.

My ex cant stand it that I ghosted her, no contact, meaning that the best she could do would say to anyone new is "I was with him for 3 years, then the b%stard just left me without a trace". She would have preferred to have kept me in contact and then exaggerate to her new partner that im still chasing after her. Does it not send some sort of a message to the new partner about how the previous r/s ended? The fact that you have not only ended with her but you have chosen she doesnt even deserve to remain friends. That will put a question mark up in the mind of the replacement, especially when the fracture lines start to appear, he might think to himself that the previous guy might not have been as black as he has been painted after all.

Never forget, you have no idea what she has been saying about you. If there is no benefit for you to remain in contact, id suggest not allowing the possibility that you are being triangulated for her benefit, let her work be that little bit more. It is a form of still using us even though we now dont get the benefits of actually being with them.

I actually figured out that my ex had used me (I was only a friend at the time) to intimidate her current partner at the time. When she finally wanted to leave him to be with me I recall him phoning her whilst she was with me and could hear him ask "are you with Cromwell" and she put on a false front and lied to him. The thing is, I had never met him before in my life or spoke to him. So it just goes to show that despite being her friend for a short time, she must have used me in some way to keep him a bit unbalanced, enough for him to assume that as their r/s was falling apart that she might have been with me. So I was triangulated without even realising it. Just be aware of this possibility of being used the same way. It is also in her interests to maybe exploit the emotional investment you made previously, keep you as a fall back option.

In short, it is nothing about catering to your needs or feelings, but it is a good sign that things are already starting to falter and shes looking for a truss somewhere to support that house-built on-swamp land, structural engineering methods they apply to every relationship.

[Struggler123]

Maybe theyve already had their first little argument and shes looking for a shoulder to cry on, or use you as emotional leverage.

She might also not like to have been so easily "discarded" by you and that you have wriggled off the hook, perhaps you were supposed to bolster her low self esteem by being a spectator of how happy she supposedly is.

By contacting her she gets this buzz of being "wanted" by so many guys, it gives her also the option of showing these texts to the guy she is with as a way of making him work harder for her, lavish her with gifts and attention. If she is anything like my ex, he will have had quite a story told about her previous r/s and you will have been painted black in some way or another, so that he becomes the saviour who will do all he can do be the better man. It is a game that women like her play to appeal to mens egos of competitiveness.

My ex cant stand it that I ghosted her, no contact, meaning that the best she could do would say to anyone new is "I was with him for 3 years, then the b%stard just left me without a trace". She would have preferred to have kept me in contact and then exaggerate to her new partner that im still chasing after her. Does it not send some sort of a message to the new partner about how the previous r/s ended? The fact that you have not only ended with her but you have chosen she doesnt even deserve to remain friends. That will put a question mark up in the mind of the replacement, especially when the fracture lines start to appear, he might think to himself that the previous guy might not have been as black as he has been painted after all.

Never forget, you have no idea what she has been saying about you. If there is no benefit for you to remain in contact, id suggest not allowing the possibility that you are being triangulated for her benefit, let her work be that little bit more. It is a form of still using us even though we now dont get the benefits of actually being with them.

I actually figured out that my ex had used me (I was only a friend at the time) to intimidate her current partner at the time. When she finally wanted to leave him to be with me I recall him phoning her whilst she was with me and could hear him ask "are you with Cromwell" and she put on a false front and lied to him. The thing is, I had never met him before in my life or spoke to him. So it just goes to show that despite being her friend for a short time, she must have used me in some way to keep him a bit unbalanced, enough for him to assume that as their r/s was falling apart that she might have been with me. So I was triangulated without even realising it. Just be aware of this possibility of being used the same way. It is also in her interests to maybe exploit the emotional investment you made previously, keep you as a fall back option.

In short, it is nothing about catering to your needs or feelings, but it is a good sign that things are already starting to falter and shes looking for a truss somewhere to support that house-built on-swamp land, structural engineering methods they apply to every relationship.

I would not be surprised at all if that’s the case, I know in the past when we would have a problem, and it was not even a problem, because I was very flexible. I would just get quiet and tell her i’ll call her later to recollect my thoughts. She would call her ex, and then she would tell me like how he told her she was doing the wrong thing etc. So in short, it probably is a shoulder to cry on or use as emotional leverage. She didn’t call again in 24 hours so thats a good thing. She pretty much threw it in my face, and the thing is most people if they put up an engagement picture they put one with a ring on or with the new guy, but since she wanted to make a point she just put a caption under her own pic and sent it on all social media. It was after that I realized everything was always about her and its sad because I lived in fantasy for so long.  I’m sure, i’m painted black and white all the time. Only difference is, she knows that I gave her everything and I was all about my principles. She was just in a fanstasy that engagments dont change anything and that this way she can make me realize like hey look what you missed out on, while fulfilling all her needs. Honestly, I agree with you, i’m not trying to become triangulated, its been nice to know her but its time for me pick myself up and let go. I’d be lying if I said I dont still have feelings for her, but the person I liked doesn’t exist and thats the truth. It’s sad to see how their constant battles in their minds work, I want to help her but I can’t cause myself to become destroyed in the process. She made a choice when she said yes to the new guy, and personally if this house is going to crash, I dont want to be the one left standing under it. I’ve blamed myself for too long. I’m sorry for everything you went through. Your thoughts speak my mind, I’d really like to hear more thoughts, is this the right thing to do?

[Shawnlam]

If this helps you in anyway I will tell you my present story with my ex.She is back to texting me with all the happiness in the world right now even calling me by my nickname she gave me, and the I miss u stuff .She said she wanted to have lunch and catch up tomorrow.As I’ve read endless stories on here including all of yours , I can say with utmost confidence it’s always the same pattern.There is either option A: They want to gloat and show you what you missed out on their great personality that someone else appreciates ... .”look what you don’t have anymore “ ! When in reality we all know they will inevitably will screw it up. Option B: their new toy isn’t as entertaining as we were or isn’t working out too well so your back in their target zone “ that is until they dump you again because after all you can’t be trusted anyways”.You either loved them too much so you have to be stupid because of all the bad things they have done to us means we should have left awhile back ... .so we are defective in their eyes .Or they started to love us too much same result .Whats the common denominator with option A&B , it’s about them ,always has ,always will be .Once this sinks in for us as it has for me and you and many others like wickerman ,Cromwell etc... .it’s game over for these people and we certainly not the last people they will do this to.!

[Shawnlam]

A good quote : I forgive you but I also learnt a lesson,I don’t hate you but I will never let you get close enough to hurt me again.I can’t let my forgiveness become foolishness.

[Struggler123]

A good quote : I forgive you but I also learnt a lesson,I don’t hate you but I will never let you get close enough to hurt me again.I can’t let my forgiveness become foolishness.

That’s exacty the best way to describe it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Your experience, certainly does help. Its sad but its true it is the same pattern all over again. Also, I just feel like theres too many issues. I’m not looking for a long distance relationship anymore, its too exhausting. Yes theres good times when we meet up but, I doubt I will be meeting her anytime soon. Its always about them despite other wise. You really can’t do anything to change their minds, I wish it were different. I want to believe that I can be friends with her but ultimately its never going to work. I’ve slowly started to accept my demons. I dont know if its the right thing to do, but its always hard making the right choice. I will never be able to satisify her needs and So I started focusing on mine and slowly I stopped caring about what shes doing or who shes with it just gradually fades. Good luck to her, but I have to focus on myself.

[Struggler123]

If this helps you in anyway I will tell you my present story with my ex.She is back to texting me with all the happiness in the world right now even calling me by my nickname she gave me “sparky” and the I miss u stuff .She said she wanted to have lunch and catch up tomorrow.As I’ve read endless stories on here including all of yours , I can say with utmost confidence it’s always the same pattern.There is either option A: They want to gloat and show you what you missed out on their great personality that someone else appreciates ... .”look what you don’t have anymore “ ! When in reality we all know they will inevitably will screw it up. Option B: their new toy isn’t as entertaining as we were or isn’t working out too well so your back in their target zone “ that is until they dump you again because after all you can’t be trusted anyways”.You either loved them too much so you have to be stupid because of all the bad things they have done to us means we should have left awhile back ... .so we are defective in their eyes .Or they started to love us too much same result .Whats the common denominator with option A&B , it’s about them ,always has ,always will be .Once this sinks in for us as it has for me and you and many others like wickerman ,Cromwell etc... .it’s game over for these people and we certainly not the last people they will do this to.!

This is true, even today she contacted me and was like where are you, I miss my friend. And I’m just like in my head, that no you don’t this is just another technique to make me feel bad and have me come back just to be discarded again. Cause you know shes engaged, and she just wants a shoulder to turn and twist. I really wish it wasnt like this, because at times I do feel weak but I just can’t.

[Shawnlam]

If you still love her ,being friends will be completely impossible.Because of your precise relationship and the whole engagement and how that was delivered to you as a ultimatum, speaking to her must be excruciating.But you did the right thing by not taking that ultimatum,you saved yourself and frankly to some extent you saved her from yet another dissatisfaction/ sabotaged relationship.Dont feel bad about not talking to her,but feeling sad is perfectly normal on every level.Even if she gets the better of you and you do answer her texts ,well YOUR intentions are pure ... .never forget that... .it won’t make you a lesser person , but it will hurt you to continue speaking.In time it may reside but maybe not,I foreone can’t continue seeing her or talking without triggering my feelings today’s test for me proved it.

[Struggler123]

If you still love her ,being friends will be completely impossible.Because of your precise relationship and the whole engagement and how that was delivered to you as a ultimatum, speaking to her must be excruciating.But you did the right thing by not taking that ultimatum,you saved yourself and frankly to some extent you saved her from yet another dissatisfaction/ sabotaged relationship.Dont feel bad about not talking to her,but feeling sad is perfectly normal on every level.Even if she gets the better of you and you do answer her texts ,well YOUR intentions are pure ... .never forget that... .it won’t make you a lesser person , but it will hurt you to continue speaking.In time it may reside but maybe not,I foreone can’t continue seeing her or talking without triggering my feelings today’s test for me proved it.

Its not even about how I feel about her, I mean yes it is to a certain extent, and I feel like you understand what im trying to say which is, that this friendship is not going anywhere. It’s just going to remind me like hey look what you missed out now and im doing better without you. I want to move on and im slowly not caring about the consequences of not talking to her because I made my closure.  But thank you so much for your words. I don’t know you personally, but to be able to tell someone something like that means a lot. I’m trying not to answer her texts and calls but, if I do I know I will do it at a time where I no longer care about what she says and won’t be wrapped back in. I don’t want to trigger anything and nor do I want to blamed for ruining her “engagement.” I wish her the best but she can’t expect to keep two feet in different places. And, the truth is I can’t make her first priority when I don’t mean anything to her. When shes feeling down she comes to me, but what about my needs, where was she for the last month? When i was posting on this forum, and feeling guilty? It took a lot out of me to finally accept that she is someone else’s and im not about to go back at least until i feel numb around her and im slowly getting better. I hope you find the love that doesnt bring you down but brings you to higher places. Thoughts?

[Cromwell]

Struggler my thoughts exactly equate to yours, especially when you bring up the fact "where was she when I needed her"

Its like the situation i find myself in now, 8 months of NC, the first 2 were pretty much a nightmare, then as time went on I slowly recovered and distanced myself, dealt with all those repressed emotions from 3 years prior.

Now were back in contact and she is behaving as if nothing ever happened, she texts me things like "im having such a bad day" as an invite for me to meet her needs and show sympathy. I think you can probably imagine my take on it, the incredulity of it.

Ive not reacted to any of it and as a result havent heard from her. No doubt she has enough of a "supply network" like an army has a logistics division running alongside its main battle units, thats all I eventually start to feel that I ever was, yes I had a very central place in her life but only in the sense of being the best supply company attached to her at that time, then went through her own little warfare in life, got decimated and had to rout back to HQ.

Now having built up strength again in the BPD family field hospital, shes back in my face and wanting me to come down and waste away with her again.

If they have something that they feel is "better", we are as important as chopped liver to them.

Its because they havent really invested into "love" as much as it "appears" that they have. They walk the walk, talk the talk, but ultimately dont deliver on the promises. (which were more based on a whimsical fantasy than concrete plans for a future).

They spread themselves thin and wide, and have learned that the "i love you" hook is an effective one in keeping people reeled in. Its to fill that empty void. They dont put all the eggs into one basket, cant afford to, the devastation of the risk of being abandoned by us is too great, so they have to hedge their bets for security. The irony is, in doing so, they are sabotaging what they are most wanting to achieve by triangulating and being discovered in "cheating". Its not so much infidelity as its just part of an overall strategy or doctrine they have adopted for a very long time. It is just "all in a days work" occupational hazard if they get caught out.

Dont blame yourself for not understanding that such a thing actually exists, it took me plenty of time to get my head around. but dont feel too sorry either, she cant ever commit to you the way it appears she does, she wont ever risk it beyond a very well practiced facade. Yet you were duped into thinking youd found the love of your life. Of course its going to be hurtful, yes she may or may not get a pang of guilt in a certain state of mind, but ultimately its their survival strategy at the core of it all, we were just resources, if you stay around as a "friend" you are the equivalent of a vegetable that has been planted for when they are ready to come along and harvest.

[Struggler123]

Struggler my thoughts exactly equate to yours, especially when you bring up the fact "where was she when I needed her"

Its like the situation i find myself in now, 8 months of NC, the first 2 were pretty much a nightmare, then as time went on I slowly recovered and distanced myself, dealt with all those repressed emotions from 3 years prior.

Now were back in contact and she is behaving as if nothing ever happened, she texts me things like "im having such a bad day" as an invite for me to meet her needs and show sympathy. I think you can probably imagine my take on it, the incredulity of it.

Ive not reacted to any of it and as a result havent heard from her. No doubt she has enough of a "supply network" like an army has a logistics division running alongside its main battle units, thats all I eventually start to feel that I ever was, yes I had a very central place in her life but only in the sense of being the best supply company attached to her at that time, then went through her own little warfare in life, got decimated and had to rout back to HQ.

Now having built up strength again in the BPD family field hospital, shes back in my face and wanting me to come down and waste away with her again.

If they have something that they feel is "better", we are as important as chopped liver to them.

Its because they havent really invested into "love" as much as it "appears" that they have. They walk the walk, talk the talk, but ultimately dont deliver on the promises. (which were more based on a whimsical fantasy than concrete plans for a future).

They spread themselves thin and wide, and have learned that the "i love you" hook is an effective one in keeping people reeled in. Its to fill that empty void. They dont put all the eggs into one basket, cant afford to, the devastation of the risk of being abandoned by us is too great, so they have to hedge their bets for security. The irony is, in doing so, they are sabotaging what they are most wanting to achieve by triangulating and being discovered in "cheating". Its not so much infidelity as its just part of an overall strategy or doctrine they have adopted for a very long time. It is just "all in a days work" occupational hazard if they get caught out.

Dont blame yourself for not understanding that such a thing actually exists, it took me plenty of time to get my head around. but dont feel too sorry either, she cant ever commit to you the way it appears she does, she wont ever risk it beyond a very well practiced facade. Yet you were duped into thinking youd found the love of your life. Of course its going to be hurtful, yes she may or may not get a pang of guilt in a certain state of mind, but ultimately its their survival strategy at the core of it all, we were just resources, if you stay around as a "friend" you are the equivalent of a vegetable that has been planted for when they are ready to come along and harvest.

Cromwell, your words resonate and echo in my head. I can only imagine your struggle and im sure you have been through 1000x worse than I have. I was lucky enough to get out while I did, did I lose a part of myself sure, but my dignity was still intact. Exactly, those two months when you were trying to find yourself, and someone to tell you that its not your fault. She wasn’t there. It’s unfair and in no way am I saying that BPD is the root of everything, but you know what the truth is. Those that want change, fight for it. A diabetic person, has hyperglycemic attacks and in those times he/she might be angry, but they learn how to CONTROL it. BPD is no different, if you get the help you need, it is treatable but, Thats the problem, they don’t want to get better, because then they wont be the victim anymore. Where theres a will theres a way. You and I can go to the end of the world for them but if they dont get the help they need, we’re usless just pawns which will be sacrificed by the queen, and then whatever is left of us we will try to piece it back together. I’m sorry but, you can forgive a person but you cant forget what they did so if shes asking for sympathy, she will have to look elsewhere. I completely agree, if it didnt work out as a relationship, highly doubt itll work out as friends. If this was a normal relationship, I know for a fact that they would not contact me unless they were trying to patch things up, but for her its just a way to get whats left of me. I am just trying to get on with my life, im seeing new people trying to work on my career, and the past is the past. She wanted marriage she can do as she pleases I just dont want to be the one to hesr about it. It’s like they say find yourself a person that works to solve your problems with you, not the one that creates problems for you. I try my best to remember her as a good person, even when some of my friends say she was whats the word “crazy.” But, a part of me really thought I could tone down the crazyness but, like they say you cant change someone we can only change ourselves, and its time to
Move on. I’m sure she will get the hint.

[MyBPD_friend]

... .but ultimately its their survival strategy at the core of it all, we were just resources, if you stay around as a "friend" you are the equivalent of a vegetable that has been planted for when they are ready to come along and harvest.

Cromwell, this is a great description of a BPD strategy - I like it.