SET example. Feedback and share ideas

[AnonP]

I was advised to share the following. I have come up with an example for a SET conversation based on my experience (follow the link for background info https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324827.0 ) and I would like to know if I have gone about this technique correctly and for you guys to share examples of your own so we can all learn from each other.

I've thought of the truth part as ambiguous but here's what I came up with anyway... .

S: I don't like seeing you hurt or knowing that you're hurt. It worries me that you feel like hurting yourself when you're feeling low.

E: I can see how my actions would've made you feel hurt. I too would be hurt if the roles were reversed.

T: Truth is, at the end of the day I can't change or take back what has already been done, but you came back and I had a choice. I could've chosen to carry on sleeping with Dave (made up name) or anyone else and eventually find someone new, or I could have given you the second chance you were asking for. I chose you. Despite all the reasons I could have said sorry not this time, I still chose you because I believe in you and I think that's the bigger picture to be considered. So I'm deeply sorry for hurting you, but I am not a bad person and I won't continue to allow myself to feel like I am for being single.

ok so at the end I basically want to say sorry I hurt you but I was single and didn't do anything wrong.

Please let me know what you think and share your ideas

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi AnonP,

Thanks for your post!

I'm gonna post this link to SET.

Hoping others who are skilled or want to work on this skill (like I do!) join us here!

Thanks all!

[Radcliff]

Hello AnonP,

I think you are working through your SET scenario very well.  The only feedback I have is that your "Truth" sounds like it's getting a little JADEy.  Can you see that?  How might you simplify it a bit to get to just the essential thing you want to get across?  Your truth has a couple of facets to it -- one is that you really are there for her and have chosen her, and the other is to ask her to cut you a break and stop giving you a hard time.  Which do you think will play most effectively with her?

WW

[SunandMoon]

AnonP, I agree with Wentworth - your truth part looks a bit like JADE to me too.

I think you want to say something like: "The truth is we had broken up, so I was just being single. Then you came back and I didn't want to be single any more. I want to be with you."
Or something along those lines - short and to the point, to allay her fears.

I would also drop the part in the "sympathy" section about her self-harming. That's a separate issue and it might trigger her at the beginning of the conversation.

[Feeling Better]

Hi AnonP

This is just my take on it, bearing in mind that I’m still learning too.

Your S to me seems quite invalidating and blaming:

S: I don't like seeing you hurt or knowing that you're hurt. It worries me that you feel like hurting yourself when you're feeling low.

“I don’t like” to me is not a good way to offer anyone sympathy. How about “I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt right now”.

The sentence that I have highlighted, I’m not sure whether that could be T (truth) as you are stating a fact, however, how about just saying “I’m worried about you”?

I agree with Wentworth and SunandMoon that your truth is full of JADE. You just need to state the fact that at the time you were single and that it is now in the past and that your choice is to be with her.

[AnonP]

 You just need to state the fact that at the time you were single and that it is now in the past and that your choice is to be with her.

Thanks. All the input has been taken on board. The truth part did confuse me to start with, it's easy to slip into JADE. Thanks for pointing it out

[pearlsw]

Thank you Anon! This was a really helpful way for members to consider how to use this tool! If you (or anyone) has more examples, it would be greatly appreciated!