This has been pretty surreal. It feels good, honestly. She’s finally talking.

[JNChell]

Hello friends. I’ll just get to it. My ex is opening up about her feelings, what she’s been through and how she’s handling it. I’ve utilized tools that I’ve learned here. Honestly, I realize now that it has to be all about her to get her to open up. But, she is opening up. I find joy in this. Not for the sake of anything other than she is opening up. At least for now. She’s beginning to describe her anger, depression and anxiety. I’m keeping myself in check, but there is a lot of emotion involved. Strangely, her opening up is very attractive to me, but I know the dangers involved. We’ve talked about her therapist. Thankfully, she’s still in therapy, but it doesn’t sound like her therapist is equipped to help her. It sounds like band aid therapy. I asked her what an ideal therapist would look like to her. She doesn’t know. I recommended a PhD psychologist. Our conversation was cut short by her D8 having a meltdown. We’ve been having a peaceful, yet deep, conversation over the last two days. It’s all been through text.

She has said things that I never heard her say before, but I think it’s because I didn’t really know how to ask or engage her before. I can’t really explain it in a matter of utilizing the tools that are available here. I basically just had to put her first and validate her. It feels overwhelmingly good to have an open and meaningful line of communication with her, but I know it would end up becoming exhausting if a reconciliation was on the table. I’m not a doormat, and it would not be sustainable. It would end up full of resentment and feeling bad for both she and I. I have to be honest though, it feels so good to talk to her.

I asked her why it took what it has for us to be able to talk on this level. Why we couldn’t have this discussion while we were together. She said it was her anger. Towards me and in general. That is how we began talking about her T and if she saw any real progress being made. Through this conversation, I’ve also realized that I truly care for her. I love her and I care about her well being. I’m being vigilant in validating her, asking permission to go deeper, keeping her as the main topic and simply being kind and receptive. It’s working. The conversation may never pick up where it left off, but I feel like I know her now. I know how she ticks, and how to talk to her. I know it takes a great deal of effort to get her to communicate, and I would probably fail if it was a face to face conversation. I had to edit much of what I said. You can’t do that in real time.

I’m finding that I have more sympathy and empathy for her through these latest communications. She is hurt, and has said as much. I, being part of her pain. I accept that and am sincerely apologetic to her for my part in that. I’ve been keen to notice that she doesn’t ask about my feelings, nor does she offer any apologies. I won’t try to elicit these things from her. I don’t want to trigger her.

This has been pretty surreal. It feels good, honestly. She’s finally talking. Talking through things instead of screaming over them. Tomorrow could be a different story and I’m prepared for that. I hold no expectations. I do wonder if I would had the ability to talk with her the way that I am now three years ago, how things would be. Wise mind tells me that I would be exhausted and void of self. Exactly the way I ended up. Only in a more peaceful manner. She’s captivating, intriguing and lustfully triggering. She’s the Mother of our Son. She was my world in an instance. Today, I realize what it has taken to get her to communicate. I got very close to her, now I’m at a distance where I’m not a threat. Now she is comfortable with me. Conversations that should be had in a naked embrace are now taking place via text messages. It’s ok. I understand now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Conversations that should be had in a naked embrace are now taking place via text messages. It’s ok. I understand now.

Listening is an incredibly powerful skill. You have a 3 year old son together. It's good that you two are talking.

[JNChell]

That situation quickly deteriorated. It was a quick reminder that there is nothing there.

[Skip]

What happened?  What brought it down?

[JNChell]

It was a reminder that the dynamic between us is real. A kind and casual conversation, albeit, via text doesn’t change anything. It was there, and just as quickly, gone.

After the initial conversation I asked her if the conversation was going to continue, and if not to be up front with me. To not leave me hanging. I already see that I was putting pressure on her by asking that. I just didn’t see it at the time.

Over the course of a week it deteriorated into PA threats and who had enough ammo to go to court... .again. I don’t want this. Right now, if I knew that I put the work in to somehow salvaging this, I wouldn’t want it. Simply getting to the point of her opening up felt like a triumph, but once we were there I was full of anxiety and worry over how I could keep it there. Inevitably, the outcome was the same as it’s always been.

I’ve been setting myself up for perpetual failure because I still have a stubborn mind. I can’t fix or even facilitate her in her own healing. I have no part in it. It’s not mine and I need to unravel this enmeshment.

[Skip]

Did you get into a fight? What about?

[JNChell]

Yes. Over time with our Son. It was miscommunication. She eventually exploded. I JADE’d. It went downhill from there.

[Skip]

It will really help to learn tools - for this relationship or the next.

[JNChell]

Point taken. You’re right.

[Radcliff]

Did the miscommunication over time with your son happen over text, in person, or on the phone?  Do you have formal orders laying out the split of parenting time?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi JNChell,

This sounds like a really difficult position to be in. You are broken up, and from looking at your previous posts, pretty serious about detaching from this person, and yet there is a still a bit of a pull, an attraction, somewhere in the mix.

It’s nothing to be too hard on yourself about.  When there are unresolved issues in a break up, with our heart and head pulling us in different directions, we are bound to feel pain. Especially when we suddenly seem to be getting something from the person that we couldn’t get before…And after all isn’t that the crux of it? If you’d been able to get along perhaps you two would still be together.  That is the frustrating part, that lingering, built in sense of “why couldn’t we just along?” “Why couldn’t this work when I loved (and may still?) this person so much?”

I wonder if looking at this latest phone communication, this opening to understanding, as something that helps your child and is not for you personally, could help depersonalize it a bit/protect your heart? Perhaps that kind of mental adjustment could help you to not get caught back up with in her in terms of attraction? (If you want to avoid that?)

And one more point, remember the idea that our pain in life comes from our expectations and attachments…I hear some grasping going on here…and that is a set up for pain.

Sorry if I am off base…Perhaps you can clarify what it is you want out of this interaction with her?

with compassion, pearl.