He really is ignoring me now...

[FaithfulInLove]

Dear BPD-Family

You won't be proud of me, hearing my news and about my codependant behaviour... .I hope it's okay I'm still asking for your support

Maybe you've read my old threads - my ex fiancé (long distance) is ignoring me since he has a new girlfriend (1 month) because I've been asking for some space and then didn't text back for a few days... ."ignored" him... .
I really wanna stay friends like we've promised each other and struggle with the thought of losing this person.

We had planned holidays in his country and I'm spending them on my own now, arrived here yesterday... .It's hard for me.

l have asked him if he'll be here and he really answered me after a month of no contact, saying:
"You really think I want to spend time with you after how you spoke to me when I was being honest with you? When I really needed someone you wasn’t there... .I told you this before... ."

He's sounding really hurt and angry and it makes me regret that l took my space... .l have promised to always be there and l just wasn't. That must feel horrible for a person with BPD... .
Still I'm happy he replied as l can be sure about the issue now... .
I tried to answer in a validating way and apologised for hurting him - think my answer got way too long... .had too much to say, l know that's not a good thing... .

The hardest thing is that l know he'll come down to the city I'm in on Monday, to see a show, not to see me. Today I've been offering to help him out with a thing that's important to him, that he could use a friend for - he doesn't react at all... .l wanted to make up for how much I've hurt him, I'd really do anything to make things good again... .

l am so scared this friendship is over forever. He means the world to me... .do l just have to stay silent now? Or is there anything l can do to get back on better terms with him?

I'd be thankful for opinions... .and sorry for **cking up  It's just that I've never missed anyone that much like I'm missing him

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad! I don’t know your backstory so well, but no one here is gonna be mad at you about co-dependency. Okay?

It is not always easy to pull off staying friends with ex’s. I’ve always done that (with nons) because we were such good friends and the friendships transcended the romantic parts. I had seen that modeled in my childhood so it just seemed normal to me. That is not the case for all though! Do you think he’ll want that?

Do you have lingering regrets about the romance part? Are you having a hard time watching him start to move on?

Hopefully others will join us to offer you some extra support today! 

with compassion, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello pearl!

Thank you so much for being there for me! That post is really sweet and made me smile

I've got a quick update, he just texted me and it seems like he is at least thinking about accepting my offer to help out... .
Never thought this would happen and I'm trying to stop myself from hoping too much as helping him would also mean seeing him for a second on Monday - and he seems to be pretty unsure. I'm trying to put no pressure on him at all.

I always stayed friends with my "non"-ex's.
l just don't wanna see a loved person walking out of my life. Who once mattered will always matter is what I'm thinking - guess that attitude can be quite unhealthy though...

Yes, it is hard for me to see him moving on, but l had my time now to accept that he's with someone else and l am sure that a friendship is what l want because... .well l care about him and l wanna know if he's alright and what he's up to.

I didn't have regrets about the romance part first because he really just has been fighting about such a little thing from my point of view but l've seen what the whole fights actually were about since l know more about BPD. He wouldn't have broken up with me if l knew more about his illness back then and handled this differently, l guess. I see my mistakes now and I'm sorry about them.

[FaithfulInLove]

Is there a way to change this posts title? Things have turned around that quickly again and l don't wanna open a million threads although l really really could use some advice now... .

He told me yes, he wants my help (which will include seeing me as l need to give something to him) but he said l shouldn't mention it to anyone... .

To me that sounds as if he's accepting my favour - but he doesn't want his new girl to find out and it also seems as if he doesn't really intend changing his behaviour towards me, or does it? He took hours to answer and to decide although this is all about a thing that really matters to him and he doesn't have a chance to do without my help

Actually l don't want him to use me like this - can you help me out finding a way to tell him l want him to treat me like a friend in return, without ruining things completely?
Told him he has a FRIEND here and it wouldn't be a big deal for me, but actually I'll really be making an effort for him and he knows this
I would love to see him but am afraid of a "Oh yeah thanks, goodbye then" reaction... .

Actually I'm really scared of seeing him the very last time on Monday
I don't know at all how to behave towards him. I need to act strong, don't l? I mustn't beg him to treat me better, right?

[pearlsw]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

No need to worry! Sometimes situations change fast, as long as we're more or less on the same theme it's good to keep updating your post. I only put a fresh one if there is a whole other issue I need to discuss, or if my last one slips off the board and it seems appropriate to start again. People can follow you as you work your way through an issue. It's okay!

Hmmm. Well, you suspect, but aren't sure that he's hiding this help you are giving him from his new girlfriend? Is it something his new girlfriend (like anyone) would be upset about or are you just guessing? Why is this something he needs to keep private? Without the details it is hard for us to say much... .On principle, in general, I think you should respect his privacy, and if you can't maybe you should not be helping him? In fact, I would say if helping him is going to be anything other than altruistic, something you can do without a lot of expectation, it might be not be worth doing. But I can't say. I just know, whatever it is, if it has a chance to lead to drama I'd avoid it.

If there is a risk of you feeling used you have to decide for yourself if you can take that risk, and not put that on him. His behavior is his choice and you can't control it, ya know?

You might want to study up on boundaries so you can learn how to set them better with him and others. If your values tell you that you can't keep any secrets for him, then it's worth sticking to that - otherwise you'll feel bad, ya know?

Are you able to give more details?

take care, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you for your reply!

I don't have a problem with keeping things private, just him saying it this way scares me a bit cause l don't understand what is wrong with me helping him out.

He's coming to this city for a show that is important to him and was quite sad that he would arrive too late to get a (free) Meet & Greet Ticket. Getting one for him was my offer, so actually nothing that should affect his relationship. (I must admit I'm scared that he'll be too late for any kind of meet and greet anyway, but that really is nothing l can change... .)

I don't know a lot about his girlfriend (he has already been with that girl in January, but only for a week).
Last time he was with her, he said she didn't want him to talk to me, but l can't tell if this was the truth or if he was just looking for an excuse why he didn't really talk to me during the week they were together and then came to see me still when they broke up... .

What I'm assuming is that he has told his family about our planned holidays and that he also told them that they won't happen because of... .some reason that is not true? That l don't want to see him or something? Maybe he's scared they'll find out - but as l said, those are assumtions. We haven't been talking for so long, so l just can't know what's going on.

I can keep secrets but I'd do this all just for the sake of seeing him again, l guess, cause as l said, most likely he'll just be too late and l can't help.

My way of trying to set a boundary this morning, was telling him I'd be doing this as his friend and that friendship never is a one way street... .I'm not even expecting a reply from him on that

[FaithfulInLove]

He's saying thank you and "of course" to me asking yoo be treated like a friend

Believing in this is something l guess l shouldn't do after all the promises he has broken, but let me just say thank you to everyone on here who has been replying to my threats and stopped me from being pushy and texting him too much... .

I think without the tools I've learned here, I'd have never gotten back on speaking terms with him.
I know l have to be really careful now in communication and l also know that maybe he will still even cancel seeing me, if he is too late to make his plans happen - which isn't unlikely unfortunately. I'm really sorry if he'll end up being disappointed

Well, thank you for your support! I know l made mistakes, however I'm sure if you knew how bad I've been handling things before l came here, you'd be really proud of me... l made enormous steps the past weeks

[FaithfulInLove]

At the moment I'm just so happy that he said yes to my offer, yet I'm still concerned what will happen when we're seeing each other.

Communication is on a very low level, he's texting back, but only once or twice a day and very short, only discussing the ticket issue.

I'd be happy about some advice on how to handle seeing him on Monday, how to handle the whole situation.
I'm not sure if l should apologise again and tell him our friendship matters to me or just act as if nothing ever happened.
I don't want him to feel invalidated. That l took time for myself was a big deal for him and I've hurt him a lot with not being there "when he needed me".